She loves everyone except me

[Dp1963]

My daughter is nearly 30 and has just had her first child. If you look through her social media you will see beautiful posts to and from her, you will see a gorgeous young family picture postcard perfect.

What you wont see is her passively aggressive behaviour towards me. Her less than perfect mum who has apologized and tried to talk things over so many times. Who doesnt even know really what the problem is. Well i know life had a few big ups and downs but i also know my support and love for her never waived. Love that has been verbalised, written down and demonstrated in many ways.

An imperfect mum who divorced her abusive stepfather, moved away to save her sanity yet tries in vain to keep a relationship in tact.

A mum whose calls are only ever returned days later never answered, who texts are never answered, who only found out 3 days after she gave birth that she had a ceasar.

Who never gets a birthday or Christmas present or card (his mum does), who cant talk about anything for fear of being labelled hateful and unaccepting...this is just who i am....but the evidence is that in reality its who she is only with me.

I am flying interstate in a few weeks, eould love to see my new grandson but am filled with dread. I know i am not wanted or accepted. I am tolerated. I really dont know why. It hurts so much i have thought about walking away so many times.

I dont know what to do when she wont talk and its so hurtful to continue.

 

[BloodiedButUnbowed]

Sorry to hear of your situation. My stepsons don't love us and it's only a matter of time before they sever all contact completely.

We cannot change the choices or behavior of others. All we can do is take care of ourselves. I am not the biological parent so it is a lot easier for me. Due to the drama and domestic violence they bring, it is better for me to have very limited to no contact with my stepsons. For my wife, their mom, it is a much different story. She will never stop loving them, never stop wanting them close. They hate her. She is coping. It is always painful.

 

[Triedntrue]

I am so sorry i know that is difficult for you. My middle son has done the same and for awhile it was really hard. Overtime we have started to communicate a little better. Sometimes it is just a matter of time. He was angry at me because he felt i had spent too much of my time and energy on my difficult child. Maybe she just needs a little space. That is what he requested from me. When i accepted that he eventually contacted me.

 

[BusynMember]

I feel for you.

We adopted a six year old adorable, smart boy from another country and he never bonded.....even asked his adopted sister to marry him??! She told him where to go and what to do when he got there because SHE understood he was her brother and that it was gross.

Once he actually got married he disappeared and it took two years of intensive therapy to grieve his loss (just like a death only he is still alive). It was a grieving process though


Some adult kids are not nice. It is usually parents who gave their kids all and kids who were never abused and we never find out what we did. I am not sure that THEY know. You have no idea if your daughter is nice to everyone but you. Here are ways I got over my son's leaving. And he left the entire family.

1. Therapy with an amazing man who understood attachment in adopted kids. Your daughter isn't adopted...was there a major break of a major caregiver in her first five years? Nasty divorce? Foster care? Change of major caregivers? Abuse that she saw? If not this is probably just a not so endearing part of her personality. Is her father in the picture? If not is he a nasty man? Personality is partly inherited. The point is, you probably did nothing to deserve this.

2. I have four other kids who are amazing. I started counting my blessings and embracing the good in my life, appreciating my loving kids and my husband and even beloved dogs all the more. I know I can't control anyone but me,not even my grown kids.

3. I now refuse to hang around anyone, even a child, who disrespects me. I have to love myself to be happy. And I am VERY happy, even without him and some other abusive people from my family of origin. I won't let anyone take my happiness from me.

4. I am very spiritual. Not in organized religion but I believe Source, the Universe, has my back and that everything in this particular life, good and bad, is a lesson to help my soul evolve. This helps me. I think even hugging a tree for real is help, at least to me. It's positive energy.

4. Take care of yourself. Exercise. Eat well. Sleep well. Get involved in activities. Do not obsess. It doesn't help and takes away from your other loved ones and friends.

I have never seen the kids of the son who left us. But I have two other grands. That is who is in my life, I love them so, I accept what I can not change. I will never grovel again. Never. All it did was make this son and his wife laugh at me and deny me access.

5. Build a support system of folks who do love you if you don't have one. Join a singing or dancing group or any type of group. Common interests form bonds.

I am sorry your daughter is treating you poorly. It is up to you how much you want to put up with. No matter what you decide, you can still live a happy fulfilled life. Honest you can. I would not beg and plead. That does not work!!!
Love and light!

 

[Tanya M]

Hi DP,
I'm so sorry that your daughter is acting that way towards you. It's really not that uncommon. When an adult child has issues, it's much easier for them to "blame" mom. That way they don't have to hold themselves accountable and they project their feelings onto mom.

If you look through her social media you will see beautiful posts to and from her, you will see a gorgeous young family picture postcard perfect.

I don't always buy what's on social media. Don't get me wrong, I love FB and it's a great way to stay in touch with people and share pictures, however, just because someone posts pictures of a "happy life" does not always mean that's so. I believe some people use FB and other social media as a way to make themselves feel better about their own lives. When they post pictures and get positive feedback, it boosts their fragile self esteem.

I think if you have the chance to go see your grandson you should do it. As for interacting with your daughter, I would not expect much from her. You can confront her and ask her why she treats you the way she does but if you do, be prepared for what she might say. It could be anything from "there's no issue, I have no idea what you're talking about" to "you were the worst mother ever and have ruined my life"

I'm sorry for your hurting heart.

((HUGS)) to you.............

 

[Dp1963]

Hi DP,
I'm so sorry that your daughter is acting that way towards you. It's really not that uncommon. When an adult child has issues, it's much easier for them to "blame" mom. That way they don't have to hold themselves accountable and they project their feelings onto mom.


I don't always buy what's on social media. Don't get me wrong, I love FB and it's a great way to stay in touch with people and share pictures, however, just because someone posts pictures of a "happy life" does not always mean that's so. I believe some people use FB and other social media as a way to make themselves feel better about their own lives. When they post pictures and get positive feedback, it boosts their fragile self esteem.

I think if you have the chance to go see your grandson you should do it. As for interacting with your daughter, I would not expect much from her. You can confront her and ask her why she treats you the way she does but if you do, be prepared for what she might say. It could be anything from "there's no issue, I have no idea what you're talking about" to "you were the worst mother ever and have ruined my life"

I'm sorry for your hurting heart.

((HUGS)) to you.............

Thank you soooo much.

 

[Dp1963]

I wrote those words through tears at 3am this morning and woke to beautiful words of encouragement.
Thank you ALL so very very very much. You have made a massive difference and i send you the warmest possible embrace from the bottom of my heart