She's back....!

[AliceLee]

Hi all---haven't posted in a while. Had a WONDERFUL Christmas! :laugh: However, difficult child and her boyfriend were on again, off again all through the holidays. You may remember that he got quite abusive with her. She has anger issues, too, so it was quite a volatile situation.

To make a long story short, she got sick of supporting him (he has not worked other than some odd jobs given to him by my husband and my brother for 4 months) and coming home to find him drunk with an apartment full of his friends each night. She has been showing much improvement in her work ethic and attitude so we invited her to move back home. So she is back, along with a 4 month old puppy.

Our plan is to give her a few days to decompress, then sit her down with a few house rules. In the past, she has been very defensive when we've tried to do this with her. Typically she gets angry and storms off.

Any ideas on how to do this without the same result as in the past?

I am stressed out over her return, but I love her and am trying to think positively.

Thanks---

 

[Suz]

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...sit her down with a few house rules...

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AliceLee, it would probably have been ideal to have had that conversation before she moved back home so she knew going in what was expected. Did you lay any groundwork when you broached the subject of her moving back home?

Suz

 

[Hound dog]

I too, hope you broached the subject before she moved in. It makes it easier when you sit down later.

Have you tried having her help make at least some of the rules?

My grown kids had no cerfew. But if they weren't home and I'm in bed, the door is locked too bad. They can have a key if they're work keeps them out. I consider it common curtasey for them to let me know where they'll be. But I don't push too hard on this one either. I don't always think to let someone know where I'm off to either.

I think my big ones are no smoking in the bedrms. This applies to me and husband, too. No coming in drunk or stoned. No dragging the whole town to my house expecting me to play hostess or even welcome them. (I've been known to turn people away) Pay me my rent each month on time, and whatever else I feel it necessary to charge for. Keep your room tidy and pick up after yourself.

Now I don't have to worry about the friends one with T. And I have a few add ons with him I'd probably never have with the girls. Like he has a half hour limit in the bathroom. If I don't he'd never come out. (and they say women are bad :tongue: )

I try not to make them too damanding. Things we can both live with.

 

[hearthope]

Hi AL
My difficult child moved back and we just became a storage house for his clothes.
We made rules (very simple ones) and he half way abided by them. One thing led to another and when he showed up in the middle of the night I let him know he was no longer welcome if he couldn't live by the rules.
It is your home and she has understand that it is DIFFERENT now. You set the rules that you and husband can live with and let her know it is your way or else.
Wish you luck, I know this is such a trying time on you and husband.

 

[ScentofCedar]

Well, you could ask whether she has any questions about what the rules are .

You could say something about being glad she has come back home, and tell her you have planned a family meeting to discuss rules and goals and priorities for Wednesday at six or something.

If she refuses to consider meeting or discussing rules with you, then you and husband may need to come up with a list of what your own limits are.

Just because she refuses to discuss what she needs to do to stay with you, that does not mean you and husband should not be on the same page regarding when she will be asked (or told) to leave.

Or, you could avoid any confrontation at all by writing your rules out, along with time limits and consequences, and posting them on the fridge.

Let her come to you with any questions.

Barbara

 

[hearthope]

Alice~ I thought about your situation after logging off last night.
Just remember that she is 20 yrs old. You have given her the tools she needs to cope with life IF she makes the right choices. You did not pick her boyfriend, she did. You and husband tried your best to get her away from him and SHE chose to continue on the same path.
I would let her know that as long as she is making choices that all of you can live with that you will help her. I would also let her know that you will in no way help her if she chooses to keep down the same path.
I am sorry you are going through this, and I hope you have peace in your decisions.
I do want to share that since husband and I got on the same page, and I stood my ground about what difficult child could do here at home, husband and I are getting along better than we have in yrs. difficult child and I are speaking on a daily basis and he tells me he loves me each night. I think he has much more respect for me standing up for what is right then when I was a rug under his feet allowing him to turn our home upside down.