Should we let her come home for a short while?

[AliceLee]

Hi all. I haven't posted for a while because difficult child was out of sight and out of mind (at least, I wasn't obsessing over her...much!)

To make a long story shorter, difficult child and boyfriend have apparently broken up "for good" (we'll see) this time. difficult child called husband today and asked if she could come home for 2 weeks (along with all her furniture and dog). Supposedly, the apartment they are in is in his name only. difficult child plans to get an apartment with a girlfriend whose lease is supposed to be up in 2 weeks.

On one hand, I am thrilled that she is getting away from boyfriend. I think they are BOTH abusive to each other, and it was just unhealthy all the way around. I just hope it sticks this time.

On the other hand, she has treated me like sh*t on so many occasions, I am not eager to open the door to her. husband and I are on the same page, for the most part. We will put clear rules in place before we allow her home for even one night. The rules will be: 1. No profanity or calling any family member names. 2. If you plan to be away for more than 24 hours, you will call and check in with us. 3. No going in your sister's room without an invitation (she helps herself to easy child's stuff and doesn't return it). 4. No computer usage or incoming phone calls after 11 pm. (this has been a problem in the past...tapping on keyboard keeps us awake).

I'm wondering if we should add: she must get a full psychological evaluation and follow the psychiatrist's recommendations. This is a <u>definite</u> requirement if she wants to stay more than two weeks, but maybe we should insist from the get-go.

I don't want to go here again, but I love my daughter and don't want her "on the streets." HELP!

 

[Abbey]

It sounds like she has a rather short termed plan to be on her own again. I'd just lay down the requirements and make it clear what happens if she violates them. Is she does...she WILL be on the streets, period.

Two weeks is not a long time to help. I'd probably give it a shot.

Just my 2 cents.

Abbey

 

[kris]

<span style='font-size: 14pt'> <span style='font-family: Georgia'> <span style="color: #333399"> .....and if she's gone more than 24hrs who gets stuck taking care of HER dog???

i'm sorry, i know you want to help her but it's making me kind of queezy thinking about it. her history with-rule & respect is not good.

you need to define things in terms of time. just how long can she stay in your house. you & husband have to define for yourselves & then to her exactly what disrespect means in your home, will there be a curfew & how much wiggle room does she get with-each rule. i would make the list very specific.

then the big one....if she breaks the rules can you stand up & make her leave even if she doesn't have another place to go to? are you VERY, VERY sure she's going to stay broken up with-him or will she come home & be back with-him in two days or a week. how will you ensure she will be out looking for an apaprtment every single day until she finds one? can she support an apartment?

sorry to sound so negative here, but you have to protect yourself.

kris </span> </span> </span>

 

[ScentofCedar]

I agree. Before I told daughter that though, I would discuss with husband which of daughter's behaviors are the deal breakers and then, I would let daughter know that if any of the following things happen (whatever the deal breakers were), she is out.

If there are things you would like to see happen for daughter, now might be the time to think about discussing those things with her, too.

Wishing you well with everything, Alice Lee.

Barbara

 

[ScentofCedar]

I agree. Before I told daughter that though, I would discuss with husband which of daughter's behaviors are the deal breakers and then, I would let daughter know that if any of the following things happen (whatever the deal breakers were), she is out.

If there are things you would like to see happen for daughter, now might be the time to think about discussing those things with her, too.

Wishing you well with everything, Alice Lee.

Barbara

 

[KFld]

If it's only for 2 weeks and you set the rules and stick to them, I guess I would do it. Are you sure her and her boyfriend are finished?? Mine has said that so many times about wingnut that I don't even listen to it anymore.

 

[everywoman]

After my last experience with having difficult child home, I would say no. But...I am jaded right now...I just know that she has been extremely disrespectful of you and your house rules. If she comes homes, easy child may resent the intrusion into the peace in the house...

 

[kris]

<span style='font-size: 14pt'> <span style='font-family: Georgia'> <span style="color: #333399"> ....and what will you do when the two weeks are up? will you make her leave or grant an extention?

can you tell yet that i'm not thinking this is a good idea??

sorry.

kris </span> </span> </span>

 

[HereWeGoAgain]

We let our difficult child come home for four weeks and she did pretty well, but we made it crystal clear that only if she was actively working on getting into a residential treatment setting could she temporarily stay at our house, otherwise driving her to the homeless shelter and storing her things in the garage was all we could do for her.

We've been burned before letting her come back for a short stay in between living arrangements. She always claimed that she had everything set up but it usually turned out that she had turned some vague "maybe" into a definite invitation; she ended up squatting at our house, using it as a base to sleep, get hot food and showers, and recuperate in between benders for as long as she could get away with it.

Before her last disappearance she had just gotten out of a rehab and supposedly had some friends who were going to help her get into a soberhouse. Turned out to be a song and dance. She took off on Christmas Day with her then current b/f leaving her daughter wondering why mommy didn't come home from her "meeting" (not that it bothered her that much; mommy was hardly ever around anyway).

Goodness, I guess I'm sounding pretty jaded too. Sorry about that.

I'd certainly check with the g/f and the prospective landlord, and make doubly sure that she and b/f are well and truly broken up, and the other stuff people have mentioned.

Whatever you decide, best of luck, and I sincerely hope and pray it works out for the best.

 

[Jen]

Personal experience now after many returns home, wont even go there anymore. You have to do what is best for you two. Rules are great for ones that understand because of matuirty and normalcy, but not these kids. Keep it short, and pick the most important ones.

Jen

 

[AliceLee]

Each day brings something new. For now, she is not coming home. She is sleeping on the couch of the girls she plans to move in with. We do have the dog again. So, I guess for now, our lives will not be too disrupted. The dog is used to us and our home now, and she is good, so we don't mind too much. I suppose I'm enabling by taking her, though.

 

[Kathy813]

My suggestion was going to be that she stay with the girl that she is going to move in with.

Looks like she thought of that herself.

I think its for the best. The time that we let our difficult child move home didn't work out very well. She is doing much better on her own.

~Kathy

 

[hearthope]

Alice ~ Just want you to know that I am reading along.

I admire your strength

I know it has to be much harder with a daughter in an abusive relationship, than dealing with what all my son has thrown at me.

wishing you all well and hoping she stays with girlfriend and away from him.

 

[ScentofCedar]

I am glad things worked out as they did this time, Alice Lee. One of the hardest lessons husband and I had to learn was to "gird our loins" for the next round whenever something turned out well.

Try to keep your priorities straight where difficult child is concerned. "What you will do if" kinds of questions, so that you and husband are not taken unprepared if her situation changes. If you are going to have her home again, know in advance what your rules will be. If you are going to suggest a shelter, have the number and address available. If you are going to suggest a women's shelter, have that number, address, and rationale ready to go as well. (Which is an excellent idea, now that I think about it. Didn't you post initially that boyfriend was abusive to difficult child?)

She would receive counseling and information at a women's shelter that she would not have access to even if she did move back in with you and husband.

I would make some phone calls to shelters in the area, Alice Lee.

They may be able to help you know what to tell difficult child about recognizing and turning away from these kinds of relationships.

The other thing I would say is to remember that, although it does not feel much like it, you and husband are still teaching difficult child about what matters and what doesn't. I think it is important for us to say the words we want our kids to hear, whether we think they are listening or not.

I too admire your strength, Alice Lee.

I know this is all so different from anything you had hoped for when difficult child came into your lives.

You can do this.

And even though all this is so different than anythig you dreamed you would be copiing with as a parent, you are getting stronger every day, and doing well.

None of this is easy. Even doing the right things does not bring with it the same sense of a job well done that doing the right thing for a non-difficult child child does.

But you are on the right track now, and you are doing well.

Barbara