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<blockquote data-quote="Lilacdust" data-source="post: 488299" data-attributes="member: 13363"><p>Thank you everyone. Yesterday I had a mental break down again. I was sleeping when suddenly I woke up hearing my older sister (who's 24) yelling because the cat food ran out that morning, everyone was still asleep but she started yelling and b*****ng because the cat food ran out and she was blaming everyone about it as if we did it on purpose. She wouldn't stop yelling about it for 20 minutes and finally I got out of bed and I CALMLY told her,"You need to realize that there is no reason to yell because of something as simple as the cat food running out. We'll get more soon, calm down, you need to realize that yelling and b*****ing about this is ridiculous. This is why so much fighting in the house happens because you and everyone yell for reasons that aren't worth yelling about. You need to realize that yes the cat food ran out but just calm down, REALIZE in your MIND that there is no reason to yell about that!"</p><p></p><p>She tried to make excuses and again I'm talking about my OLDER sister,"But the cat food ran out! You are all starving the cat!" (she was yelling as if we were starving the cat on purpose when that is utterly ridiculous!). I CALMLY tried to make her understand that no we're not starving the cat, the cat is healthy and the food JUST ran out and that is nobody's fault, that is no reason to BLAME anyone and start yelling and causing drama!</p><p></p><p>This was first thing in the morning and this already upset me. JUST MINUTES AFTER my dad came home from the store with more cat food (see?) and he noticed that my little sister (14 years old) had given the cat tuna in the mean time. My dad got FURIOUS because that cat didn't eat the tuna and the tuna was now wasted. He started yelling at my little sister,"Why did you give the cat tuna when you knew the cat wasn't going to eat it!" (no she didn't KNOW the cat wasn't going to eat it!). My dad continued on yelling at my little sister about how big of a ~mistake~ it was for her to give the cat tuna, instead of my dad calming down and realizing that it's no big deal, no he just kept yelling and my little sister started screaming to make my dad back off.</p><p></p><p>First thing in the morning and already drama has happened. I try to calm things down before things escalate. I go on my "inner family counselor mode" and I try to explain to my dad,"Dad, calm down, she didn't know the cat wasn't going to eat the tuna. She didn't know. You blaming and yelling at her that,"Why did you give the cat tuna if you knew the cat wouldn't eat it!" is a TRIGGER for an argument because you are BLAMING my little sister when there is no reason for blame, she didn't know the cat wasn't going to eat the tuna. Dad, you need to calm down, be aware of your own thoughts, you need to be aware of your language and how things you say trigger an argument by unnecessarily blaming my sister."</p><p></p><p>Nope, everything just went over his head. I tried to calmly explain it to him the reasons why fights escalate in the house (reasons like that, family blaming each other for the most innocent things). I want to PREVENT more fighting in the house, I try so hard to make my family understand what triggers the fights, I try so hard to make them AWARE of what triggers the fights and yet NOBODY EVER LISTENS TO ME.</p><p></p><p>I tried to calmly talk to my dad and he got more furious, he started yelling loudly at my face and trying to change the subject by complaining about the dishes and trash and I said,"You're changing the subject, all I want to do is let you know the reasons why arguments escalate, that's all I want to make you see, all I want to say is that sometimes you unnecessarily blame others for innocent things and that's what triggers all the arguments, I want you to be aware of when you trigger an argument so that no more fighting happens"...</p><p></p><p>Nope, he completely ignored everything I said, completely red in the face with rage and yelling at me, yelling yelling yelling right at my face. I was still calm, calm and patient like a saint, I again tried to tell him,"All I want is for you to listen to me calmly, listen to what I have to say, all I want is to help you and everyone prevent more fighting"....nope, he didn't listen, he continued yelling over me trying to change the subject and blame me for the broken state the house is in (he's the one that breaks the doors with his anger!) telling me to shut up, completely refusing to even listen to me when all I tried to do was <em>talk calmly with him.</em></p><p></p><p>I completely broke down at that point, I started bawling my eyes out, I couldn't stop crying, my dad didn't let up, instead of hugging me or something, he just yelled at me louder telling me to stop crying but I just cried even louder, I started having another emotional break down because all I tried to do was have a calm conversation with him trying to help prevent any more fighting from escalating and instead of him listening to me, he continued yelling at me and yelling at me and saying things like,"YEAH YEAH I GET IT SHUT UP ALREADY!" and yet he didn't understand a word I was saying. Everything ended up escalating which was the thing I was trying my best to prevent. I couldn't stop crying and he just kept yelling at me loudly until I locked myself in my bedroom and I bawled my eyes out, I wailed loudly for 4 hours, yes literally 4 hours I bawled my eyes out crying loudly, I didn't stop crying for a second. I cried and cried and cried and cried for 4 hours without stopping, I couldn't stop.</p><p></p><p>So much crying completely exhausted me, the emotional break down I had drained all of my energy, I literally couldn't walk. My legs were weak, I couldn't stand up, I couldn't walk. I couldn't feel my hands, I couldn't feel my arms, I couldn't feel my whole body. I was literally drenched in tears, my face and neck and shirt, everything drenched in tears. I couldn't stop crying for 4 hours non-stop. I was literally exhausted, I was dizzy, my eyes were blurry, everything spun around me, I had no strength for anything but to cry. My head was cold, I was shivering, my lips were tingly and numb, I felt like I would faint from so much crying, I literally couldn't stop wailing loudly because this family destroys my life, this family destroys my life and I felt so alone, so trapped, I wanted so badly to leave the house but I have nowhere to go. I wish I could go to a shelter, I wish I could leave. My boyfriend was calling many abuse shelters but none of them would accept me but to me this is pure hell, this is abuse, anyone that is in my shoes would call this a living hell.</p><p></p><p>My own family have no compassion, my own mom yelled at me,"SHUT UP!" because I was crying too loudly, my family doesn't care about how horrible they affect me. I don't know how to leave this toxic household. I truly wish I could leave and never see this family ever again, I can't stand to even see their faces, they literally make my life a living hell.</p><p></p><p>Try to be in my shoes, try to live 21 years with a family that all have irrational anger problems and no compassion and spend ALL DAY crying your guts out with no hope, no sense of hope to ever escape this hell hole and try not to feel abused and shattered. I can't stand it anymore, I can't. I already had 4 mental/emotional break downs like this in the last 2 weeks, I can't take this anymore.</p><p></p><p>I don't know how to seek help, I don't know where to go. I wish I could go to a shelter or something but so far the ones my boyfriend has called, they won't accept me. I wish I knew what to do. I often tell my dad to make me a psychologist appointment (I get anxious with phones) and he tells me,"Okay tomorrow" and he ignores it all. Right now I have a problem with insurance, there was a mix up and right now I can't have their services. Even if I had insurance, I don't know where to seek help.</p><p></p><p>"If you can get assistance due to your own disabilities, you can get help finding a job that YOU can do, and you can get housing assistance so that you can move away from that dysfunctional house and start being as independent as possible."</p><p>That's exactly what I want, to get help, to get assistance somehow because the way things are right now, I don't think I'll ever be able to get a job on my own. Even my 24 year old sister who's "normal" and confident and hard-working with a good resume, she has an associates degree and she's still going to college, she's studied Architecture and now she's studying Hospitality/Restaurant services and everyone loves her, she has a lot of work experience, a lot of praise, she's very hardworking and professional yet she STILL can't find a job! Not even minimum wage! She's stuck in the job she has but she's been trying for so long to get at least another minimum wage job and nope, nothing!</p><p></p><p>If even a normal person with high experience with work can't even get a job, even less I can because of my depression and anxiety and I get panic attacks when I'm in one place for too long, like I can't have school for 4-6 hours a day because I feel feel trapped and I panic and it's a lot of pressure on me, the same with work, I have panic attacks because the feeling of being in a job for 4-8 hours, it makes me feel trapped and like I'm there against my will and I panic, I can't stand it, I just don't know what to do.</p><p></p><p>I really do need assistance but I don't know where to find it. Volunteering is a good idea but just thinking about it makes me anxious, you're right it would have less pressure than a job but I would really love a job because at least I would earn money, even if it's 5 dollars, I really want to earn money so that I can feel more hopeful that even if I save it, I can be closer and closer to being more independent and leaving this hellhole of a household.</p><p></p><p>As for my mom, my dad has always tried not to physically hurt her because he KNOWS that if my mom gets a bruise he might get caught with his abuse so he has always emotionally abused my mom, humiliating her, making her cry deliberately, blaming her for things, when they first got married my mom was very independent and she was actually the one paying bills, he got envious and he literally got my mom fired and he dragged her physically out of her work and he forbid her to have friends, he didn't let her get a job or even learn how to drive. He always treated my mom like ****, even when my mom was pregnant and she was hungry, my dad would let her go hungry and come home drunk. Just so many problems. As time went on my dad "calmed down" a little more and he's not as home as much, when he comes home he still argues with my mom but it's more like they just can't stand each other. Whenever I mention to my mom in finding her help for all the abuse she has lived, she always defends my dad and says how,"Things aren't that bad right now, just let it go" and she just refuses any help.</p><p></p><p>Back when I was in high school, 15-18 I used to see a therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist but they weren't helpful, they didn't even give good advice. They were literally like,"You're 18 now! Go to college! Get a job! Take the bus if you have to!" when I was trying to explain HOW I CAN'T DO THOSE THINGS but no, they just don't understand! They were really awful "professionals" even the psychiatrist had a liking to my dad and she never let my mom speak, instead whenever my mom tried to talk to my psychiatrist about how abusive my dad has been to her, the psychiatrist would go,"Shhh let your husband talk" and she would let my dad talk for the entire hour, completely sympathizing with him (of course he acted all innocent and lied). They really didn't help, the therapist and psychologist would just nod and nod and nod when I was talking and they never really did or say ANYTHING to give me support or help, their type of advice was seriously like,"Have you tried having friends? Having friends might help".....arrrrgh that is common sense, that is not helpful of course having friends help, what I want is actual support, actual help but everything feels so hopeless.</p><p></p><p>It's morning here, the moment someone wakes up all the fighting will start again, as always. I've thought about walking out, having a walk to leave all the fighting but all the cars driving by and the openness makes me anxious....*siiiiigh*.</p><p></p><p>The thing I want the most is help myself right now, find support, find assistance, find something that can help me emotionally and mentally and help me find a job and help me come closer to moving out because every single day that I'm here, it's a struggle to keep my sanity. :/</p><p></p><p>Thank you everyone for listening to my problems and being understanding.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Lilacdust, post: 488299, member: 13363"] Thank you everyone. Yesterday I had a mental break down again. I was sleeping when suddenly I woke up hearing my older sister (who's 24) yelling because the cat food ran out that morning, everyone was still asleep but she started yelling and b*****ng because the cat food ran out and she was blaming everyone about it as if we did it on purpose. She wouldn't stop yelling about it for 20 minutes and finally I got out of bed and I CALMLY told her,"You need to realize that there is no reason to yell because of something as simple as the cat food running out. We'll get more soon, calm down, you need to realize that yelling and b*****ing about this is ridiculous. This is why so much fighting in the house happens because you and everyone yell for reasons that aren't worth yelling about. You need to realize that yes the cat food ran out but just calm down, REALIZE in your MIND that there is no reason to yell about that!" She tried to make excuses and again I'm talking about my OLDER sister,"But the cat food ran out! You are all starving the cat!" (she was yelling as if we were starving the cat on purpose when that is utterly ridiculous!). I CALMLY tried to make her understand that no we're not starving the cat, the cat is healthy and the food JUST ran out and that is nobody's fault, that is no reason to BLAME anyone and start yelling and causing drama! This was first thing in the morning and this already upset me. JUST MINUTES AFTER my dad came home from the store with more cat food (see?) and he noticed that my little sister (14 years old) had given the cat tuna in the mean time. My dad got FURIOUS because that cat didn't eat the tuna and the tuna was now wasted. He started yelling at my little sister,"Why did you give the cat tuna when you knew the cat wasn't going to eat it!" (no she didn't KNOW the cat wasn't going to eat it!). My dad continued on yelling at my little sister about how big of a ~mistake~ it was for her to give the cat tuna, instead of my dad calming down and realizing that it's no big deal, no he just kept yelling and my little sister started screaming to make my dad back off. First thing in the morning and already drama has happened. I try to calm things down before things escalate. I go on my "inner family counselor mode" and I try to explain to my dad,"Dad, calm down, she didn't know the cat wasn't going to eat the tuna. She didn't know. You blaming and yelling at her that,"Why did you give the cat tuna if you knew the cat wouldn't eat it!" is a TRIGGER for an argument because you are BLAMING my little sister when there is no reason for blame, she didn't know the cat wasn't going to eat the tuna. Dad, you need to calm down, be aware of your own thoughts, you need to be aware of your language and how things you say trigger an argument by unnecessarily blaming my sister." Nope, everything just went over his head. I tried to calmly explain it to him the reasons why fights escalate in the house (reasons like that, family blaming each other for the most innocent things). I want to PREVENT more fighting in the house, I try so hard to make my family understand what triggers the fights, I try so hard to make them AWARE of what triggers the fights and yet NOBODY EVER LISTENS TO ME. I tried to calmly talk to my dad and he got more furious, he started yelling loudly at my face and trying to change the subject by complaining about the dishes and trash and I said,"You're changing the subject, all I want to do is let you know the reasons why arguments escalate, that's all I want to make you see, all I want to say is that sometimes you unnecessarily blame others for innocent things and that's what triggers all the arguments, I want you to be aware of when you trigger an argument so that no more fighting happens"... Nope, he completely ignored everything I said, completely red in the face with rage and yelling at me, yelling yelling yelling right at my face. I was still calm, calm and patient like a saint, I again tried to tell him,"All I want is for you to listen to me calmly, listen to what I have to say, all I want is to help you and everyone prevent more fighting"....nope, he didn't listen, he continued yelling over me trying to change the subject and blame me for the broken state the house is in (he's the one that breaks the doors with his anger!) telling me to shut up, completely refusing to even listen to me when all I tried to do was [I]talk calmly with him.[/I] I completely broke down at that point, I started bawling my eyes out, I couldn't stop crying, my dad didn't let up, instead of hugging me or something, he just yelled at me louder telling me to stop crying but I just cried even louder, I started having another emotional break down because all I tried to do was have a calm conversation with him trying to help prevent any more fighting from escalating and instead of him listening to me, he continued yelling at me and yelling at me and saying things like,"YEAH YEAH I GET IT SHUT UP ALREADY!" and yet he didn't understand a word I was saying. Everything ended up escalating which was the thing I was trying my best to prevent. I couldn't stop crying and he just kept yelling at me loudly until I locked myself in my bedroom and I bawled my eyes out, I wailed loudly for 4 hours, yes literally 4 hours I bawled my eyes out crying loudly, I didn't stop crying for a second. I cried and cried and cried and cried for 4 hours without stopping, I couldn't stop. So much crying completely exhausted me, the emotional break down I had drained all of my energy, I literally couldn't walk. My legs were weak, I couldn't stand up, I couldn't walk. I couldn't feel my hands, I couldn't feel my arms, I couldn't feel my whole body. I was literally drenched in tears, my face and neck and shirt, everything drenched in tears. I couldn't stop crying for 4 hours non-stop. I was literally exhausted, I was dizzy, my eyes were blurry, everything spun around me, I had no strength for anything but to cry. My head was cold, I was shivering, my lips were tingly and numb, I felt like I would faint from so much crying, I literally couldn't stop wailing loudly because this family destroys my life, this family destroys my life and I felt so alone, so trapped, I wanted so badly to leave the house but I have nowhere to go. I wish I could go to a shelter, I wish I could leave. My boyfriend was calling many abuse shelters but none of them would accept me but to me this is pure hell, this is abuse, anyone that is in my shoes would call this a living hell. My own family have no compassion, my own mom yelled at me,"SHUT UP!" because I was crying too loudly, my family doesn't care about how horrible they affect me. I don't know how to leave this toxic household. I truly wish I could leave and never see this family ever again, I can't stand to even see their faces, they literally make my life a living hell. Try to be in my shoes, try to live 21 years with a family that all have irrational anger problems and no compassion and spend ALL DAY crying your guts out with no hope, no sense of hope to ever escape this hell hole and try not to feel abused and shattered. I can't stand it anymore, I can't. I already had 4 mental/emotional break downs like this in the last 2 weeks, I can't take this anymore. I don't know how to seek help, I don't know where to go. I wish I could go to a shelter or something but so far the ones my boyfriend has called, they won't accept me. I wish I knew what to do. I often tell my dad to make me a psychologist appointment (I get anxious with phones) and he tells me,"Okay tomorrow" and he ignores it all. Right now I have a problem with insurance, there was a mix up and right now I can't have their services. Even if I had insurance, I don't know where to seek help. "If you can get assistance due to your own disabilities, you can get help finding a job that YOU can do, and you can get housing assistance so that you can move away from that dysfunctional house and start being as independent as possible." That's exactly what I want, to get help, to get assistance somehow because the way things are right now, I don't think I'll ever be able to get a job on my own. Even my 24 year old sister who's "normal" and confident and hard-working with a good resume, she has an associates degree and she's still going to college, she's studied Architecture and now she's studying Hospitality/Restaurant services and everyone loves her, she has a lot of work experience, a lot of praise, she's very hardworking and professional yet she STILL can't find a job! Not even minimum wage! She's stuck in the job she has but she's been trying for so long to get at least another minimum wage job and nope, nothing! If even a normal person with high experience with work can't even get a job, even less I can because of my depression and anxiety and I get panic attacks when I'm in one place for too long, like I can't have school for 4-6 hours a day because I feel feel trapped and I panic and it's a lot of pressure on me, the same with work, I have panic attacks because the feeling of being in a job for 4-8 hours, it makes me feel trapped and like I'm there against my will and I panic, I can't stand it, I just don't know what to do. I really do need assistance but I don't know where to find it. Volunteering is a good idea but just thinking about it makes me anxious, you're right it would have less pressure than a job but I would really love a job because at least I would earn money, even if it's 5 dollars, I really want to earn money so that I can feel more hopeful that even if I save it, I can be closer and closer to being more independent and leaving this hellhole of a household. As for my mom, my dad has always tried not to physically hurt her because he KNOWS that if my mom gets a bruise he might get caught with his abuse so he has always emotionally abused my mom, humiliating her, making her cry deliberately, blaming her for things, when they first got married my mom was very independent and she was actually the one paying bills, he got envious and he literally got my mom fired and he dragged her physically out of her work and he forbid her to have friends, he didn't let her get a job or even learn how to drive. He always treated my mom like ****, even when my mom was pregnant and she was hungry, my dad would let her go hungry and come home drunk. Just so many problems. As time went on my dad "calmed down" a little more and he's not as home as much, when he comes home he still argues with my mom but it's more like they just can't stand each other. Whenever I mention to my mom in finding her help for all the abuse she has lived, she always defends my dad and says how,"Things aren't that bad right now, just let it go" and she just refuses any help. Back when I was in high school, 15-18 I used to see a therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist but they weren't helpful, they didn't even give good advice. They were literally like,"You're 18 now! Go to college! Get a job! Take the bus if you have to!" when I was trying to explain HOW I CAN'T DO THOSE THINGS but no, they just don't understand! They were really awful "professionals" even the psychiatrist had a liking to my dad and she never let my mom speak, instead whenever my mom tried to talk to my psychiatrist about how abusive my dad has been to her, the psychiatrist would go,"Shhh let your husband talk" and she would let my dad talk for the entire hour, completely sympathizing with him (of course he acted all innocent and lied). They really didn't help, the therapist and psychologist would just nod and nod and nod when I was talking and they never really did or say ANYTHING to give me support or help, their type of advice was seriously like,"Have you tried having friends? Having friends might help".....arrrrgh that is common sense, that is not helpful of course having friends help, what I want is actual support, actual help but everything feels so hopeless. It's morning here, the moment someone wakes up all the fighting will start again, as always. I've thought about walking out, having a walk to leave all the fighting but all the cars driving by and the openness makes me anxious....*siiiiigh*. The thing I want the most is help myself right now, find support, find assistance, find something that can help me emotionally and mentally and help me find a job and help me come closer to moving out because every single day that I'm here, it's a struggle to keep my sanity. :/ Thank you everyone for listening to my problems and being understanding. [/QUOTE]
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