some more questions

[Skylark Matrix]

A quick update - last week my difficult child stayed with neighbours and made the decision that she will never live here again. On Friday she stopped here to put air in the tires before going to work and to collect her weekly allowance - we had previously agreed to divide her pay check into 4 weekly allotments so that she would have money to end of the month. She went to work and quit her job. Sat she came here when we weren't home and packed her things and moved to a near by town where she will hopefully start college on Sept. 17. She left the truck here as she was only to be using it for work and I guess she did realize that we meant it when we told her that was all she could use it for. She never left a note, or called to say she was moving, and still has not contacted us. I don't know the number of where she is staying.
Questions:
Should I be looking around trying to reach her?
She left her room in a mess, of course, dirty clothes, junk, garbage, etc all over like usual. What would you do with that? I would like to have use of the room for company in a couple of weeks. I feel mean if I pack all the garbage, dirty clothes and good stuff together, yet I feel like I shouldn't have to sort through her mess either. She could have moved like a normal person, there was no reason to sneak out when we weren't home.
I would continue to help her budget her money and have in fact set up her student funding account as a joint signature account hoping to yet teach her to live on a weekly allowance.
I'm just so sad, I've tried so hard and nothing works, and she can't even leave normally and be friendly. Why does she always have to leave in a hostile stupid manner?
And why does she always have to be promiscuous as soon as she leaves home?

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

First, (and if you mentioned this in the past sorry, I don't remember) your signature is confusing, it lists the dates that you adopted your kids but not their ages. That would help.

I'm guessing that your daughter is 18 or better if she is in college. My suggestion would be to offer to show her how to budget. I would not budget it for her. (give a man a fish, he eats for a day; show a man to fish, he eats for life)

As far as her belongings go, I has the exact issue with my GFGI. She left a huge mess. I gave her a date that she had to have the room cleaned out completely by. And I stuck by it. What she left behind, I either tossed or gave away.

Good luck to you.

 

[CrazyinVA]

First, how old is your daughter? I read your other posts but didn't see her age anywhere. Assuming she is over 18, I wouldn't bother looking. She's made her intentions clear. Let it go. If she's quit her job, then I wouldn't give her any spending money. Assuming you are paying for her college education, that is huge already ... let her find ways to support her spending habits. I also would secure the truck so she can't take it.

As for the room, I understand your resentment over cleaning it, but you have to do what is going to make you feel better in the long run as well. I would bet it won't be but so hard to throw the garbage away (especially if she treated her belongings as garbage), put the rest in boxes, and put it away. You will feel better when that room is clean and ready fro company.

 

[WhymeMom?]

Who is paying for school? If its you I would think she will be contacting you. If she is paying then she may not....

I don't think I would go looking for her. She feels like she needs a little room to try things on her own....let her make her own mistakes for a while.

As far as her room goes, I think I would box up all the stuff, sorting anything YOU want to keep and then email her at college, I guarantee she will have an email account thru the college and tell her a date (maybe two weeks out) that she can come pick up boxes that will be out on the porch, garage, some open place where you don't have to let her in and if they are not picked up by that time, they will be disposed of.....

She is staying quiet because that is the only power she has over you. She probably knows you will be wondering about her....her only control on the situation is to remain silent about her whereabouts.

On the good side, she didn't take the truck and didn't steal anything (I am presuming)....

Let her settle (she may be back sooner than you think). Enjoy the peace and quiet......

 

[Skylark Matrix]

Hi - I've changed my signature to hopefully clarify my children's ages. The one I write about here is 20. This is her 4th run away from home since she graduated from high school. During school she was a bit trying, but not as bad as now. Probably because her executive functioning is 30% behind, so at graduation she was mentally 12, now she is mentally 15 - just when trouble really starts I suppose.
She is treaty status First Nations and her originating band is paying for her college. We have previously set that up in a joint two signature account for when the money starts coming in. When she is in her right mind she knows that she can't manage money and she knows I will help her. She currently is not in her right mind, and the money will not start until Sept and I don't think we can change the account at this date. I don't know what she will do for money before that. She supposedly is going to look for a job her friends say, however, this is a poor time of year to find work as all summer jobs are of course coming to an end. I will not give her money from my own pocket and neither will my husband, we are fairly "rigid" about that !!!
Thanks for pointing out the silence on her part is a control issue, I hadn't thought of that and I knew upon reading it that you are correct. Other times she has run away - to Calgary, and other large cities I have nearly had a nervous breakdown and she does know that.
I am going to enjoy the peace and quiet and I am going to be thankful that she is in a small urban center where there is not any real danger.

 

[Sunlight]

clean up her mess, box anything good, toss the rest.

let her go. she knows how to reach you.

time for her to see what she is capable of and not.

 

[KFld]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: ant'smom</div><div class="ubbcode-body">clean up her mess, box anything good, toss the rest.

let her go. she knows how to reach you.

time for her to see what she is capable of and not. </div></div>

I totally agree. She's old enough and it's time.