Something is up

[toughlovin]

Oh Nancy I am so so sorry!!! It does sound like she is drinking again.... that bad mistake leads to other bad decisions. Our difficult children are so much alike.... the self sabatoging thing i just don't understand. My difficult child always self sabatoges himself too.... in ways that really make no sense.... and he loves to live on the edge and play with rules so I can totally see him wanting a pit bull just because they are considered dangerous. He has always been like this but drug use really clouds what little sense he does have.

Her is hoping she figures out soon that once again this isn't going to work for her.

Try to take care of yourself in all of this!!!

TL

 

[Tiredof33]

I'm so sorry to hear this Nancy, I understand your frustration. My son quit his job to go to college full time, who in the hell did he think was going to support him??

My hubby says they just think differently than we do, but it's more than that! Something in their heads has shorted out! I am not sure if drugs and alcohol has altered his brain, or if he was born that way, or both.

(((prayers for us all)))

 

[rejectedmom]

Nancy, I am so very sorry. I do understand how you are feeeling right now. Frustration, anger, sadness, resignation...My difficult child#2 does well for awhile then goes right back to bad choices and impulsive behaviors. I got off the roller coaster also. But it still hurts so bad sometimes it takes my breath away. -RM

 

[Calamity Jane]

This is what I can never understand about substance abusers whose brains are "disordered", and their thinking is disordered even if they can manage to stop using for a while. We're told to let them hit bottom, detach, don't interfere, but if they really are mentally incapable of making healthy, normal choices for a sustained period of time, how can we just deal with this over and over again? Alternatively, how can we just program ourselves to detach if they are our children and their brains are compromised? It's a conundrum. Isn't it like yellling at someone with dementia or alzheimer's? They can't or won't hold jobs for long, and their perspective on society is skewed, combined with their low self esteem and apparent disregard for a "normal" lifestyle. Everything is just hard for them, Know what I mean?? They are what they are, no matter what we or anyone, or possibly even they can do about it. Even if they stop using for a while, they don't magically transform. We exist in either a world of guilt for stepping away, or face a lifetime of being held hostage by them and the results of their poor choices.

 

[Nancy]

Calamity Jane I sure do KWYM. I think you have described the situation perfectly.

Nancy

 

[Signorina]

They are what they are, no matter what we or anyone, or possibly even they can do about it. Even if they stop using for a while, they don't magically transform. We exist in either a world of guilt for stepping away, or face a lifetime of being held hostage by them and the results of their poor choices.

You're right; but my H puts it to me another way:

"He is going to do what he wants to do regardless of how we feel about it. So, he can do it with our blessing and our money as we look the "other way", or he can do it on his own dime and without our approval. Either way, he is going to do what he wants to do."

We can't change it; we can't change it, we can't change it. So I will be damned if he is going to do it with our money and while we pretend that everything is AOK. Because if we don't stand for something, we will fall for anything. If I want him in my life, I will have to fake approval of his behavior. If I do that - I can't live with myself. Do I want him in my life or do I want to be able to live with myself? I choose me.


And yes, I am not really as brave or stoic as that paragraph implies. But every word is the truth. Even if I have to repeat it to myself or h has to remind me of it 100x a day.

This is my reality.

 

[recoveringenabler]

"We exist in either a world of guilt for stepping away, or face a lifetime of being held hostage by them and the results of their poor choices."

Well said. Wise words from someone whose been there. Sad words, but true words.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Thanks for putting it so clearly Signorina. I appreciate your words.

 

[Calamity Jane]

I'm with you, Signorina, but it's so hard, it's like Sophie's Choice - someone's going to get hurt. Something husband brings up frequently is the fact that when a person proves himself to be untrustworthy time after time, esp. to family, that's a dealbreaker for us. A house built on sand...

But Nancy, doesn't it seem ironic that your daughter is traveling with a pit bull? The breed is ostracized and often misunderstood and rejected. It's like she's trying, in her own way, to rescue and rehabilitate this substitute for herself (unconsciously, I mean). My difficult child won't eat any meat, eggs, milk products, wear leather, because animals are exploited and mistreated, but he'll put damaging chemicals into his body and willfully self-destruct. F'd up, no?