Son left sober living....
- Thread starter RN0441
- Start date
Littleboylost
Long road but the path ahead holds hope.
Let go and let God NO MONEY NO BAIL OUTS. This is a hard path to follow my heart and spirit are with you. I cried when I read this. I was so hoping he would try to make a go of it considering he was living with a sober person.
ColleenB
Active Member
Hugs dear friend. I know how awful it is to watch....
I am sorry for this setback, but you are doing what you need to do, and that is important.
I have no idea why addicts do what they do, despite knowing what they should be doing... it must be a hell existence for them. They are battling with their own minds and demons constantly.
Our son has moved out and I doubt he isn't using ... I know he still thinks weed is ok. But having him out of my home has made a huge difference in my own mental health. He has come to eat and visit often and we are not fighting anymore so that is progress.
I can't live in his addiction anymore. I have too many good things in my own life.
I hope you can stay strong and find some peace in knowing you did every thing you could.
Take care xoxo
I am sorry for this setback, but you are doing what you need to do, and that is important.
I have no idea why addicts do what they do, despite knowing what they should be doing... it must be a hell existence for them. They are battling with their own minds and demons constantly.
Our son has moved out and I doubt he isn't using ... I know he still thinks weed is ok. But having him out of my home has made a huge difference in my own mental health. He has come to eat and visit often and we are not fighting anymore so that is progress.
I can't live in his addiction anymore. I have too many good things in my own life.
I hope you can stay strong and find some peace in knowing you did every thing you could.
Take care xoxo
Littleboylost
Long road but the path ahead holds hope.
We see with clarity the disaster and they see with a drug addled delusion that all is fine. He has made this choice and you need to live your life. Easier said than done. Hugs.
A little angel to watch over you.
RN0441
100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
I feel better today than I did yesterday. Not sure how he thinks he can use and keep his job. He works at a deli so hope he doesn't cut his friggin hand off! It's not just weed.
I told his girlfriend not to text us anymore about what he's doing. We can't deal with it.
My husband left him a message yesterday that we want to do a FaceTime to tell him goodbye for now until he is ready to be sober. We cannot do this with him AGAIN. He did not call back.
He knows we love him and support him when he is doing what is right. I have to face it that he does not want to live his life without drugs.
I told his girlfriend not to text us anymore about what he's doing. We can't deal with it.
My husband left him a message yesterday that we want to do a FaceTime to tell him goodbye for now until he is ready to be sober. We cannot do this with him AGAIN. He did not call back.
He knows we love him and support him when he is doing what is right. I have to face it that he does not want to live his life without drugs.
RN, first of all. I am so sorry that you are going through this again. The bottom line is that your son doesn't want to be sober. So far, all of his stays in treatment and sober living has been because you thought it was the best thing for him (which it probably was). However, until he decides that he wants to live a sober life it isn't going to happen. The fact that the first thing he did after leaving sober living was to look for weed is very telling.
The other posters are right. It is time to step back and let him fall. He needs to learn that you cannot use drugs and function as an adult. He will lose his job and probably end up in legal trouble. Al-Anon teaches that we need to let the alcoholic/addict suffer the consequences of their substance use. I think that is the single most difficult thing for a parent to do but our loved ones will never stop using until their addiction becomes harder than sobriety.
If you need to take a break, do it. If your husband can keep in casual contact like mine could, do that. My husband was much better at being able to talk to our daughter while maintaining a loving detachment than I could.
I don't think I would even do the Facetime goodbye. I just see it as drama filled and accomplishing nothing. Personally, I would just send a text wishing him luck with his new living situation and tell him you need some space and will touch base in a week or two. After that, just keep it light and casual as long as he isn't asking for your help or emotionally abusing you.
I am glad that you are seeing your therapist tonight.
{{{Hugs}}}
~Kathy
The other posters are right. It is time to step back and let him fall. He needs to learn that you cannot use drugs and function as an adult. He will lose his job and probably end up in legal trouble. Al-Anon teaches that we need to let the alcoholic/addict suffer the consequences of their substance use. I think that is the single most difficult thing for a parent to do but our loved ones will never stop using until their addiction becomes harder than sobriety.
If you need to take a break, do it. If your husband can keep in casual contact like mine could, do that. My husband was much better at being able to talk to our daughter while maintaining a loving detachment than I could.
I don't think I would even do the Facetime goodbye. I just see it as drama filled and accomplishing nothing. Personally, I would just send a text wishing him luck with his new living situation and tell him you need some space and will touch base in a week or two. After that, just keep it light and casual as long as he isn't asking for your help or emotionally abusing you.
I am glad that you are seeing your therapist tonight.
{{{Hugs}}}
~Kathy
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
If you truly want to do the Facetime goodbye, which I feel could be risky to you when he turns in the water works, (and he will), maybe just have husband do it. This could go down badly and isnt necessary. Its defiitely drama waitingto happen.
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RN0441
100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Thanks ladies.
I agree that I don't want to do a Facetime with him. His dad left him a voicemail that we have to say goodbye for now because of his choices. I don't know why my husband suggested that. To see how fuc*ed up he is? No thanks. Seen that enough to last a lifetime!!
I need a break from this drama.
I have to accept that he just doesn't want to stop using drugs. It is that simple. Why didn't I see that before?
I told one of our older sons that he had left sober living (again) because he was sick of being told what to do. My son said "that is the only way he can have anything change for him" and "does he never want to get better?".
It's really that simple. I am trying to read all this high level mumbo jumbo into everything and it's really simple.
Sometimes I need to just stop and think!!!
I agree that I don't want to do a Facetime with him. His dad left him a voicemail that we have to say goodbye for now because of his choices. I don't know why my husband suggested that. To see how fuc*ed up he is? No thanks. Seen that enough to last a lifetime!!
I need a break from this drama.
I have to accept that he just doesn't want to stop using drugs. It is that simple. Why didn't I see that before?
I told one of our older sons that he had left sober living (again) because he was sick of being told what to do. My son said "that is the only way he can have anything change for him" and "does he never want to get better?".
It's really that simple. I am trying to read all this high level mumbo jumbo into everything and it's really simple.
Sometimes I need to just stop and think!!!
Snow White
On the Mad Tea Party Ride
RN, I just saw this post and am so sorry to hear what has happened.
I think you and I have had the same past couple of days! Drama starts, we go into FOG-mode, we come to this forum, get valuable feedback WE need and then re-focus.
It is interesting how differently 2 parents of the same child respond to the Difficult Child's drama/issue. We are often at different place/time in our detachment journey and everyone handles things in their own way. Just as you are trying to accept that your son doesn't want to stop using drugs, I am trying to accept that my daughter doesn't want to stop her borderline and addictive ways. Your husband is dealing with this in his own way. I hope that you can find something happy to do together this weekend.
Subconsciously, I think I have programmed myself to believe that, "If I believe it enough and do all the work to get daughter to a better place, she'll buy into it and change her ways." When I think of all the thousands (and I mean thousands) of hours and $$$$ I have invested in trying to get resources in place, trying to stay a step ahead of her, being her bank/travel agent/problem solver, making excuses, liaison for emergency services, etc., I almost get sick over how much useless heartache, time and effort I put in with zero in return. This is time and effort I should have been putting into the rest of my family - who wants, needs and appreciates it.
RN, your comments yesterday really helped me to see that. I hope that our responses to you will help you in the same way! No kicks necessary!
{hugs}
I think you and I have had the same past couple of days! Drama starts, we go into FOG-mode, we come to this forum, get valuable feedback WE need and then re-focus.
It is interesting how differently 2 parents of the same child respond to the Difficult Child's drama/issue. We are often at different place/time in our detachment journey and everyone handles things in their own way. Just as you are trying to accept that your son doesn't want to stop using drugs, I am trying to accept that my daughter doesn't want to stop her borderline and addictive ways. Your husband is dealing with this in his own way. I hope that you can find something happy to do together this weekend.
Subconsciously, I think I have programmed myself to believe that, "If I believe it enough and do all the work to get daughter to a better place, she'll buy into it and change her ways." When I think of all the thousands (and I mean thousands) of hours and $$$$ I have invested in trying to get resources in place, trying to stay a step ahead of her, being her bank/travel agent/problem solver, making excuses, liaison for emergency services, etc., I almost get sick over how much useless heartache, time and effort I put in with zero in return. This is time and effort I should have been putting into the rest of my family - who wants, needs and appreciates it.
RN, your comments yesterday really helped me to see that. I hope that our responses to you will help you in the same way! No kicks necessary!
{hugs}
