Son self-sabotages every opportunity

[New Leaf]

Nandina,
I wonder what’s going on with your quote thingy? Hope it can be resolved. Being able to insert quotes helps me so much.

But it takes great effort, doesn’t it?

It does take great effort, especially when there is “news” or attempts by my two at contact. Then I have to process the sadness all over again. I do find each time I am getting a bit better at it, not allowing myself to delve too deep into the madness and sadness of it all. But it does take a bit of a toll. The other day I got a call from an unknown number, I don’t pick up because of scammers. It was Rain, using someone’s phone. I called back the number and it went to voicemail. Then got a call back. One of her street friends explained she was trying to get Rain to go to a DV shelter with her, that Rain was going out with her former boyfriend, who is quite violent. This is not the first time my daughter has tangled with this and probably won’t be the last. I am sad for her, but this pattern has become so predictable. Those chance calls of some disaster or drama, then…..nothing. I am left a bit rattled but have to steady myself and give it to God.

Bless you for providing a loving and stable home for your grands in the midst of it all. When you can, I hope you’ll give us an update on how they’re doing. I pray they are doing well.

Thank you Nandina, I try to provide stability. My two grandsons decided four years ago to drift back to their Dads family. They are doing better, the eldest has two children and a steady job. The younger is a senior in high school and hopefully, will graduate. My granddaughter decided to stay with me and is now a sophomore. She has her moments as most teens do, but for the most part has a good head on her shoulders. She is very stoic in regards to her parents and does not want contact with them. They all have a lot to process because of their trauma, and I hope that they will be able to do that when they are ready and find peace. My two and half year old grandson (their half brother) is doing well so far, despite his drug exposure with Tornado. He has calmed a bit with the love he receives from the family. He is still quite reactive and agitated at times but is learning to regulate somewhat.

That meth was bad enough, but didn’t cause the almost instantaneous psychosis and delusional behavior that today’s meth does. It is just shocking to watch the effect it has on the mind and body of a loved one in such a short amount of time.

I don’t remember meth as a teen of the 70’s, but there were plenty drugs back then to experiment with. I was a wild child, and dabbled for a bit, but thankfully didn’t get hooked like my two are. It is shocking to see the effects of meth. One of my nephews a few years back, asked me why I just don’t let my daughters camp out in the back yard, that would be better than them being on the streets. I explained to him that that it is not possible to house people that can’t be trusted. I asked him if he did meth, “Only a little bit, Aunty, but I control it.” A few weeks later he was running around screaming and ranting- full meth psychosis, threatening to kill his grandmother. So much for controlling it. He is on the streets now, and looks like so many others who have succumbed to this awful drug.

Surely that would dissuade him, I thought. I told him he had huge addiction issues in his family with both parents and both sets of grandparents being alcoholics/addicts and that he could become instantly addicted if he touched it. What good did it do? Sometimes I wonder if my warnings just made him more curious to try it.

Who can tell a teenager or young adult anything? They know everything…….not! Especially boys. Don’t beat yourself up for being a good parent and trying to inform him and warn him.

When they are ignored, it feels like a big slap in the face. Why did he ignore that? Does he even respect me as a parent? I thought I was getting through.

I read somewhere that teens are DNA programmed from tribal times to rebel against parents. That inclination made them leave and seek out other clans which prevented inter- breeding. Hmmmm. Not to mention the new studies that say the pre frontal cortex is not fully developed until——gulp—-27. My son is 22 and struggles at times. I have 5 more years of this? Lord help me! My Hoku tells me that now that she has her own kids, she understands what we parents go through.

I once had a doctor tell me that every time my son’s birth mom took a hit off her crack pipe, or smoked meth, that baby in her womb, who eventually became my adopted son, was taking that hit as well, and getting a “rush“ from it, even before he was born. That image is hard to fathom. But it probably set my son up for his eventual attraction to drugs. However, he opened the floodgates by trying them the first time in spite of all my sage parental advice.

I am hoping my grandson will be able to overcome the challenges we all face due to his exposure. I had a conversation with an EMT awhile back. He spoke of being a meth baby, but fortunately, he was able to rise above the challenges and make a life for himself. I still hold out hope for my two, that one day they will see their light and potential without drugs. But, I can’t base my own life on whatever outcomes may be. I think examining the past, the whys and how’s and what ifs, is part of our road to our own recovery.

I am full of questions with no answers like many of us probably are. But I so appreciate the comforting words from all of you who “get it.” Thank you.

So many questions and no answers. It all boils down to the fact that we have no control over any of it. Letting go and letting God has helped me in many instances from spiraling into the emotional abyss of it. I do have my moments, but, am thankful to have this site and a few friends that are going through a similar journey. Writing and speaking our pain is so important to flushing it out. I read recently that our perspective on life has a lot to do with our physical health, regulating hormones, etc. It was once too painful for me to remember my two as babes and young children, that kept me in the fog of it all, and desperate for solutions and outcomes that I had no control over. I am now able to look at old photos and be thankful for the memories and good times. What the future holds is up to our adult kids choices. With Gods grace, I hope that we all can continue to acknowledge that with our thoughts, words and actions and focus on what we can control, our reactions. It is not an easy process, but we do deserve peace and joy in the lives we have ahead of us.
Keep up the good work, Nandina, you are resilient and strong. You’ve got this, one day at a time.
(((Hugs)))
New Leaf

 

[Crayola13]

In the 1970s they had what were called pep pills, prescription amphetamines. Those were weak compared to what is out there now.

 

[Quincy Kathy]

Apologies for the length of this. I haven’t posted about my son much lately because things had been going relatively well. I posted about his stay in jail a year and a half ago and his psychotic break there after doing meth and received good advice here. After being released from jail, he entered treatment for the third time and like all the other times, got kicked out after three months of a nine month program for anger issues and not following the rules. Apparently, they gave him multiple chances and he blew every one of them. This is so typical of my son.

He is 22 and has not been allowed to live in our home for the past four years due to drug use, anger issues and not following rules. He lived with his birth family in another state for about 6 months, but realized how dysfunctional they were and decided to leave which was a good move on his part. Even with all his issues, my son and I have maintained a decent relationship.

Last December, his life-long friend who lives in our city invited him to live here with his family (at home) and with his mother’s approval. The mother also managed a business and gave my son a job there. All was good and any reports to me were positive and flattering about my son, his good manners, work ethic, kindness, and how much everybody liked him.

I tried to stay out of the picture as much as possible, because his friend’s mother was acting in the role of caretaker, taking my son to appointments, driving him to work, etc. and he was doing so well. I was breathing easy.

Fast forward to about a week ago. I got a text from her saying my son is out of control, she had to fire him and kick him out of her home. We spoke and you wouldn’t know she was talking about the same person she had sung praises for previously. She told me she had never been treated so badly in her entire life. He’s on drugs, she said, acting out, hearing voices, doing things like jumping out of a moving car, yelling and going off on people.

She was so concerned that she helped get him mental health treatment and he spent time in a psychiatric facility but apparently it was to no avail. His behavior made him homeless once again. She never communicated with me during this time and apparently tried to handle all of it on her own. I felt awful that my son had put her through this and repeated the pattern he has become so accustomed to: Blowing every opportunity anyone ever gives him. Again, and again, and again. He’s been kicked out of three homes, one transitional living situation and three drug treatment facilities in four years all for drugs, anger issues, or refusing to follow rules. His behavior ruined his life-long friendship with the young man who invited him here.

My son admitted to me that he had done meth “like maybe 5 times,” and once again, I saw all the signs…the paranoia, “God” complex, rage, talking nonsense (our government is being run by pedophiles and cannibals—I saw it on the internet!), and in general just being out of his mind.

We sadly drove him to the homeless shelter where he has spent time on and off over the last four years knowing that he needed mental health and drug treatment but would probably not seek it. Within days, he was kicked out of the shelter permanently for going off on someone who borrowed something and didn’t return it. So now he was on the streets with no job, no home or shelter, little money and not thinking clearly.

I knew it would be hard for him to find a job right away, given his recent firing and probably a poor reference from the caretaker/manager as well as being a convicted felon. He also was still affected by the meth although I haven’t seen him high anytime recently and he claims he has not used. He does want to work and has been applying for jobs.

I knew he had a couple of paychecks coming and that the money had to last until he found a job. He has absolutely no money management skills and can blow through a paycheck in no time even if drugs are not involved. I suggested only giving himself about $50 a week spending money, mainly for food, so that he would have enough to last for weeks if need be until he found a job. He even agreed to let me manage the money so I could dole it out weekly and make it last, as he is truly incapable of doing so. He turned over his ATM card to me and I breathed a sigh of relief that he would have plenty of time to find a job with me helping control his money.

But, as it turns out, my son totally disregarded this agreement and continued to go to the bank and withdraw funds. He blew through the first paycheck in a matter of days, he says, mostly on fast food. I was livid. It was a small paycheck but at $50 a week could have lasted him a month. Perhaps I should have held onto the money, but I trusted him not to touch it since he knew there would be little more forthcoming.

The next paycheck was larger and I decided to withdraw the entire check and dole it out because I knew he would blow it if he had access to it. There was enough to last him two months. He knew we had agreed on $50 a week. When I checked the balance on payday, he had already withdrawn $150 and by the end of the day had blown through the entire amount. That was nearly half of his balance. But when I tried to access the funds, something was preventing me from withdrawing anything. I found out he had placed a block on the account that he had given me permission to manage!

That was the final straw for me. He claims he was worried about getting hacked and therefore blocked the money. But I called BS on that. He just didn’t want me to have access so he could take as much money as he wanted, knowing there was no more coming and no job in sight. Because he NEVER thinks of consequences.

I recently started seeing a counselor because I’ve been overwhelmed with my son’s issues and I wanted to be sure I wasn’t enabling him and needed a little guidance. She has helped me see that we have done everything we can possibly do for him and that he needs to avail himself of the social services in our city designed to help the mentally ill or drug addicts. She suggested several options for him.

So, yesterday, with great sadness and a little anger, I made my son go through some clothes we were holding for him so he wouldn’t have to lug them around, decide which ones he wanted to keep and throw away or donate the rest because we are done. I told him he violated my trust by blocking the account and blowing through the money, and that we couldn’t help him anymore. He would be totally on his own without us in the picture for the first time since he left home four years ago. And he is down to less than $200 with no job in sight.

He was shocked, I think, that I was doing this. He mentioned taking a bus (spending even more money) to another city with a homeless shelter. He kept saying, “I know you’re probably going to try and talk me out of this.” But I didn’t. I told him I knew he would do whatever he wanted regardless of what I say. He always does. I repeatedly mentioned the services my counselor had suggested and told him when he seeks help and is enrolled in a program, feel free to contact me.

And then I dropped him off downtown. And cried all the way home.

Thanks for “listening.”

Nandina: My heart breaks for you bc I know how deeply it hurts to do something you know you have to do when there’s no alternative. Especially to your own kid. I hope you cope with your son’s actions that helps you understand and not drown in guilt.

 

[Nandina]

Dear Kathy,

Thank you for your kind words and the compassion I know you feel, like all of us here who have been through similar circumstances with our problem adult children.

Sadly, my son passed away in December, of a drug overdose. You may not have seen my post about it, but he was actually doing well and had been drug-free for a couple months. Losing our loved ones to drugs is a possibility we all live with and for some of us, it has become reality.

My counselor tells me I am going through the grief process in a healthy way so I am doing well, considering. My son was suffering so toward the end with psychosis, an effect of meth, not so much the drugs anymore, although he did choose to use that one last time. But I know he is at peace and perfect now and that is my consolation.

I am so glad you are here seeking help on how to deal with your son. There is such great wisdom here and many kind people you may never meet in person who will walk with you in your struggles with him, send you virtual hugs, give helpful advice, and always, love. You will feel it.

So, welcome. Please continue to post here. It helps.

 

[Copabanana]

Please continue to post here. It helps.

Dear Nandina
I miss you and think of you often. I wish you would post. Love, Copa

 

[Nandina]

Thank you Copa. I don’t think you’ve heard the last from me, lol. Love you back.