Pasa. You're doing a great job allowing him to take his own responsibility...and recognizing what is yours.
I also usually am very careful to check caller ID-there are times when I know I can't take, physically, mentally, emotionally the contact. Or maybe I can't take knowing the truth of how our son views us as an avenue to get what he wants, over and over, without a thought to how it affects us.
We do...the kind of mothers that have the kind of sons/daughters that bring us here. I am so thankful for you all.
I'm always glad to "see" you Darkwing. You bring a perspective I don't have to a life I never believed could be so difficult. Our son has expressed remorse and apologized in the past (about 1% of the time) I'm hopeful that it's real at those times but I'm never sure. When I was in catechism as a child, the nuns would say if I was "heartily sorry" I wouldn't repeat the same sin over and over again. I've not forgotten that-yet he seldom learns from his mistakes. What do we do with that? and how it affects us all?
Pasa, McDonna and Seeking, you give me courage as you stand strong. Survivors in every respect. Thankyou. Prayers.
It is difficult for an active addict to truly feel any kind of meaningful remorse. As I have said before, long term drug abuse can mimic all the traits of a personality disorder, even in those who don't actually have a personality disorder. We become sociopaths. Manipulative, bored easily, constant need for instant gratification, and reckless behavior. Real remorse requires some level of shame, and humility. We have no room for either of those things while using. So, while we are still using, we aren't really sorry. We may say the words, but it is just like a serial killer mimicking human emotions. We know that we SHOULD be sorry, but NOTHING comes before the ability to get high. It is when we finally get some clean time under our belts that the fog is lifted, and we start to return to normal emotionally and physically. THAT is when it hits us for real. When we are no longer numb, and have to confront the despicable things we said and did for a fix. This is the truly difficult part of recovery. Addiction isn't just about physical dependence. You can become physically dependent on a drug without being a drug addict. People who require benzos to function, or pain medication. They don't abuse it, they don't take it to deal with anything other than the physical pain, or the anxiety. They don't over dose, and they don't display drug seeking behaviors. Addiction is a mental and emotional NEED. Going through physical withdrawal, while terrifying and unbelievable uncomfortable, is absolutely NOTHING when compared to picking up the shattered pieces of our lives. Facing all of the shameful and hurtful things we did and said, and hoping to salvage as many relationships we possibly can. The physical discomfort lasts a couple of weeks, then is stops. The part that comes next is what causes an overwhelming number of relapses.
My point being that just about everything said by an active addict must be taken with a grain of salt, and healthy skepticism. He may know that the stealing was wrong, and may say the word "sorry", but he cannot truly appreciate it until he is sober. He cannot appreciate the pain it causes you because he is so numb to normal, human emotions. In his mind, he most likely thinks that the part that is upsetting you is having less money in your pocket than before. It doesn't even cross his mind that the real problem is the betrayal, and the complete lack of regard or consideration for you.
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