Son wants to move to Canada

[rktman]

Greetings all,
We have had our head down for several years trying to keep our 26 y.o. son headed in the right direction (or at least alive).
Recently he has come up with the delusion that he will move to Canada to meet an internet girlfriend and possibly live there. He just can not take care of himself and is a mess. If it were not for us and grandparents, he would be living on the streets.
We dont know much about Canadian immigration or work (lol) policies. Has anyone had a similar experience with their kids?
We are just trying to help minimize damage he can do. He is disabled with Tourettes and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD).
Moving to another country will end his disability income and probably his life.

 

[BusynMember1]

Hi and welcome. Can you please sketch out the story a bit? You can't just decide to live in Canada. On the other hand, unless your son has a guardian, he is free to make his own decisions even if disabled.

But first....are you maybe just panicking or is it realistic that he may do something rash? Why does he need so many caregivers?

Sending lots of love.

 

[rktman]

Hi and welcome. Can you please sketch out the story a bit? You can't just decide to live in Canada. On the other hand, unless your son has a guardian, he is free to make his own decisions even if disabled.

But first....are you maybe just panicking or is it realistic that he may do something rash? Why does he need so many caregivers?

Sending lots of love.

Thanks. Yes, he does not listen to those facts. He is a high functioning mess, with no assigned guardian. He has his drivers license but does not take care of his vehicles or living space. He will not do the simplest maintenance or grooming, brush teeth, etc.
I don't believe we're panicking. We're pretty numb to his BS, but this appears to be different. Its an obsessive and re-occurring thought for him that logic will not counter.

 

[Nandina]

I don’t think your son can just decide to move to Canada and do it, can he? Without a little red tape regarding Immigration processes, etc. Wouldn’t he at least need to have a job lined up? I‘m fairly certain there are restrictions on just moving there, special visas or something. Moving to other countries is not that easy to do usually. There are legal and immigration processes that need to take place.

I guess people can try to sneak in but that brings up a whole lot of other issues, one being getting caught.

What are your son’s plans, exactly? Is this just something of an obsession that lives in his imagination or is he doing the work to actually try and make it happen?

A little more information would be helpful. Does he usually follow through on ideas or obsessions he has?

 

[NWSanta]

As somebody who has a friend who just went the other way, it's quite a process to immigrate into another country. My friend took 2 years of red tape and paperwork before he was allowed to move to the USA. He is a Canadian citizen but, it was quite involved to move down.

Now that having been said your Son could do 6 months at a time across the border and then have to return for a short time back to the USA before making it back to Canada. I am not 100% clear of all the requirements though.

Quite a few Canadians "Snow Birds" do this, they leave Canada and spend 4-6 Months in the USA and then return to Canada for the rest of the year. Like a Travel Visa.

Hope that helps?

 

[MissLulu]

So sorry to hear this. It must be really worrying.

Just on the immigration stuff - Many countries provide working visas for young people (under 30) to allow them to work for 2+ years. I'm Australian and lived in the UK on such a program. Many of my friends' kids are overseas in the UK and Europe on such visas right now. Unlike the USA (which is trickier for us) the visa requirements are minimal and there's no need to have a job lined up. Having said that, I have no idea about the requirements for Canada. All I'm saying is I wouldn't assume that it is prohibitively difficult. It might be, or maybe not! A quick good should provide the necessary information, so at least you know how difficult/easy it would be for him if he tries to follow through.

I hope this is just a passing phase. My son is one who "talks big" but often doesn't follow through...

 

[Crayola13]

I hope he doesn’t move to Canada to live with that girl. She obviously doesn’t know how he is, and it will break his heart when she throws him out.

 

[rktman]

I hope he doesn’t move to Canada to live with that girl. She obviously doesn’t know how he is, and it will break his heart when she throws him out.

Yes, that's the most likely outcome.

 

[Copabanana]

When my son was 18 (he's 33 now) he saved his money from a Christmas job to go visit a girl he knew from when we lived in Brazil. It was a disaster. He got thrown out of her family house within a couple days, somehow lost all his money and was homeless on the beach. Until the day of his return ticket he slept in my friend's dance academy and my friend bought him food. He was able to travel easily because we had visas for that country.

Personally, I don't think it's that hard to cross the border into Canada, as a tourist. I don't think many of our adult children (here) think that fully about more than the present moment. It's one day at a time. I think there is something to be said for that point of view. I think the only way to tolerate what we have to is to stay in the present, and not worry about what hasn't yet happened.

What I am saying here is that it is likely this will blow up quickly, even if he finds a way to cross the border. What he will be doing is calling you for a ticket home, and money to buy food, if his experience is anything like my son's. SSI will allow 2 weeks out of the country before there is any impact on his payments, as far as I know.

My son's heart was not broken, but I always feared he was somehow abused when he slept on the beach. He denies it.

The thing is, what can you do? What could I have done? These are adult people free to make their own mistakes. If your son had a payee, there would be some control. Does he? My son was not on SSI at the time, and was functioning normally.

I think the whole issue here is boundaries. Our boundaries. The acceptance that we can't protect them, we can't steer them the right way, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. We fear that the messes they make with their lives are our messes. Messes for us, to clean up, when this is not the case. I empathize totally but I don't know what you can do to stop him.

 

[rktman]

When my son was 18 (he's 33 now) he saved his money from a Christmas job to go visit a girl he knew from when we lived in Brazil. It was a disaster. He got thrown out of her family house within a couple days, somehow lost all his money and was homeless on the beach. Until the day of his return ticket he slept in my friend's dance academy and my friend bought him food. He was able to travel easily because we had visas for that country.

Personally, I don't think it's that hard to cross the border into Canada, as a tourist. I don't think many of our adult children (here) think that fully about more than the present moment. It's one day at a time. I think there is something to be said for that point of view. I think the only way to tolerate what we have to is to stay in the present, and not worry about what hasn't yet happened.

What I am saying here is that it is likely this will blow up quickly, even if he finds a way to cross the border. What he will be doing is calling you for a ticket home, and money to buy food, if his experience is anything like my son's. SSI will allow 2 weeks out of the country before there is any impact on his payments, as far as I know.

My son's heart was not broken, but I always feared he was somehow abused when he slept on the beach. He denies it.

The thing is, what can you do? What could I have done? These are adult people free to make their own mistakes. If your son had a payee, there would be some control. Does he? My son was not on SSI at the time, and was functioning normally.

I think the whole issue here is boundaries. Our boundaries. The acceptance that we can't protect them, we can't steer them the right way, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. We fear that the messes they make with their lives are our messes. Messes for us, to clean up, when this is not the case. I empathize totally but I don't know what you can do to stop him.

Thanks for sharing. For now, I think we have him talked out of it (or at least that's what he says). The next couple of months will show what he intends.