Hi Newlife,
Ahhhh birthdays and holidays are hard times to get through for us Moms. How well I know the heartache.
Thoughts of does she know what day it is in jail? Thoughts of last year buying her an ice cream cake and gifts for the new car she had just bought. How much difference a year makes, I laid in bed and cried.
I’m sure she knows what day it is. Hopefully she is receiving help. There are routines set up in prison. My daughter ended up the last stint on the work line because it gave her something to do and a small monetary compensation in her account. I’m so sorry for your sadness, but I do believe it’s important to process those feelings, otherwise it just affects our health to try to bottle it up. I hope you feel a bit better after having a good cry.
My son says, why do you care so much after all she has done to you?!? For the most part I am much better today than when she first went into jail Nov 2023 but, I did carry her for 9 months and did give birth to her……how am I just to forget this day? It’s different for me than him.
My twos’ siblings are much the same as your son. They are able to detach themselves from the drama. It is different for us Moms. We have to work harder to let go. Letting go is not a straight line. Especially when it is new to us. When we are deep in the thick of trying everything to rescue and help our wayward kids, it becomes a bizarre cycle. When we were raising them as young children, we learned to put our own needs on the side to take care of them. When they became teenagers and made poor choices, it set off alarms and we did everything in our power to correct their course. It’s no wonder that we stay on that course when they become adults. We love them, the self sacrificing we practiced while they were growing up, literally turns into sacrificing ourselves, our time, our finances, the peace in our homes, as if we could save them by doing so. It is a hard cycle to break. Not impossible, but it takes work and learning to love ourselves enough to see the reality of the situation and change. Change
ourselves that is, and our response to each new “crisis.” We have no control over what our adult children choose.
Words from that day of her leaving echo in my mind…..”much better living out of my car than with you 2!” Her Dad telling her as she packed up her stuff, “you don’t have to do this, you don’t have to move out.” We already knew what was going to happen when she is out on her own.
I’ve heard hateful things from my two in the past. Not so much anymore. I think it’s because they know I’m done blaming myself.
But it is as if your child has been hijacked. In so many ways we would be so much better if we could remember that. And to try to not take it personally, to the same degree. Of course, we take it personally. How could we not? But we are not seen by our children as whole people. They see us in terms of their own needs. They deflect their self-blame and self-hatred onto us. You see what I mean? We end up catching all these rotten eggs, that we don't deserve. Why accept them? We have a choice.
This is spot on. Thank you Copa. A good reminder for all of us.
You are the ride conductor.
Yes. I compare this “ride” to being captains of our own ship. Our children as adults have their ship to captain. When they continually make bad choices, they are sailing into a storm of consequences. We do not have to follow them into the storm. It does no good for them, or us.
All we need to understand and accept is that we have free choice. It is a muscle that we can or cannot exercise and utilize.
Yes. Our adult children have free choice as well. How they exercise that free choice is their decision.
And then choose based on our own welfare and the greater good of our family.
Yes.
Your focus is still on your daughter. How about putting your focus on your feelings and needs?
Newlife, you have already begun to take the reins back in your life by setting boundaries and following through. The hard part with that, are the emotions we go through taking those first steps. It is a grieving process. It’s not that we miss the drama and chaos, it’s that our lives were so caught up, for a long time in trying to fix things. It feels foreign to let go. Like we have given up. We have not, we still have hope for our wayward kids, we have given in to the notion that we have
any say on how they will live their own lives.
Focus should be on me. I have to start and retrain my way of thinking, so many years of being the “go to” person that I bet we all have been. My being the classic enabler
Yes. Focus should be on you. That is not selfish, it is essential to our health and well-being.
I find joy when others need me but, hurt comes right back when it’s not reciprocated. I had the very best Mom but….oh goodness she taught me to have the same enabling and fears as she had. Bless her heart I thought she was just really into her family, I see it all so clearly now.
We definitely have learned behaviors from our parents. One thing that happened while I was new to letting go and pulling back from my twos drama, was taking a deep dive into my childhood. It was and is a lot of inner work to try to understand myself and my reactions to my situation. Heck, I’m still trying to find myself.
My daughter especially only sees us her parents, for money - place to live - taking her here and there. She helped us not one bit while she lived with us, no gratitude. It is this I must think of in weak moments the person she really is.
I am continuing it with my son as well. He said we will make plans soon to get together and does not follow through. Yesterday I was making plans for a BBQ. Hubby and I talked and said NO! If he is not going to put forth the effort, we will no longer be the ones to make him feel he has to come over. If you don’t want to be in our lives willingly, then your not going to be.
Our daughters are in there somewhere. The people they are when using, are not recognizable. We can still love them, but understand that as long as they are using drugs, or not taking care of their mental health, we are targets. It’s sad, but true. One quote that helps me is “What you allow, will continue.”
We don’t have to wear the bullseye t-shirt and be victimized by our adult kids. I know you wrote that there are limited resources in your area, your daughter, if she truly wants help, can relocate. You and your husband should not be her lifeline. She obviously does not respect or appreciate your effort.
As for your son, he will do as he chooses. Your husband is right. Why should you both bend over backwards try to get him to spend time with you? Goodness, my Mom is 90 and my brother has neglected calling her, moved three hours away to be closer to his children. Times have changed where families used to get together. It’s sad.
I know you have valid fears over when your daughter is released from prison. For me, when my Tornado is locked up, I’m relieved. I can leave my house without worrying that she will show up. Since your daughter is there, you have a bit of reprieve from worrying what may happen. Can you and your hubs take time to get away together? Even if it is for a date night, or a “staycation”. Girl, it’s way past time for you to focus on you and your relationship with your husband. My late hubs fought illness in the middle of all the crazy stuff happening with my two. We were not able to enjoy what I now know, were our last years together. Between fretting over our two, working and raising their younger siblings, the years flew by and unfortunately, hubs succumbed after battling sepsis for the third time. I thought that losing their dad might wake my two up, it did not.
We have so little precious time on this earth. Hubs and I wasted a good many years trying to rescue two adult children who wanted to “ride the gravy train” and remain as is. They wanted their cake and eat it too, and anything else they could grab. But the saddest loss, was the time spent on focusing on something we had no control over, hence, we became door mats to the whims and choices of our grown children.
I wish I could go back and do things differently. All I can do is share my story in hopes it helps others avoid the mistakes we made.
Your life, your relationship, your time is precious. Step outside the box, do something epic!
Hugs
New Leaf
Even the cute little chihuahua I used as my photo passed away last year. So much pain in one years time where your whole life falls apart.
I do feel if I am in a mental jail as having my own issues mentally makes it that much harder to get out of these feelings some days. You hit the nail on the head about sucking the life out of you but also, my memories are not so great. After typing this message had a huge cry and my husband came out….what’s wrong? I remembered her birthday last year with sweet memories, my husband made me remember she appreciated nothing I did for her that day. Once I too remembered, became so mad! My mind is a master at pushing unpleasant memories far away and never bring them out again….since I was a child. 
