standswith courage

[Sunlight]

you are doing a beautiful job of putting in a post all the turmoil that goes thru a parent's mind when their difficult child is so out of control. reading the anguish, the second guessing, the constant need for reassurance reminds me of myself many times with ant.

your conversations with Barb and others are being read possibly by others in similar situations but fearful of speaking out. I know I was PM'd by several moms too fearful to publicly speak out after watching a poster be put down or made to feel even worse than when they first came onboard.

do not be afraid of speaking your concerns, your wishy washy back and forths, your fear for your son, and your thoughts of what to do. we all wavered like you til we grew our strength. you deserve to speak and be heard. you have not harmed anyone.

I truly understand and hope you are not muzzled and are allowed to speak what you must. the decision for action will be ultimately yours, and you alone will bear the results of your decisions. listen long and patiently to others advice and we will be patient with you as well. those who are tired of talking or listening please ignore this post. those who need it will see it. one of my parents' favorite sayings "if you dont have anything nice to say, dont say anything at all" seems to fit.

after all we didnt become warrior moms overnight.

 

[standswithcourage]

How is your son doing ant's mom? I think about you often. I just wondered how you were?

 

[Suz]

I'm not sure where you are coming from with the "muzzled" and other comments. If you are trying to subtly take a stab at me or the other parents who post in this forum I certainly don't appreciate it, Janet.

I lock a thread if the subject is exhausted and repetitious and/or if I feel that patience is wearing thin.

It serves no purpose for you to come here on your high horse and make snide comments about other posters under the guise of watching out for Susan.


Suz

 

[Sunlight]

I have never seen a moderator lock a post simply because the poster needed more reassurance, more input, wanted to talk more about her feelings and the subject torturing her. I would think the moderator would be the one to caution posters to be more kind, patient and supportive.

if patience is thin, why should they answer her at all? those with thin patience should simply let it be and go be supportive to someone who doesnt try your patience. how do you think psychologists and counselors feel when they continue to prod their clients to move on or give helpful suggestions that are not heeded simply because the person needs more time?? can you imagine a counselor losing patience in listening to a person in need? I would think they would continue to encourage baby steps rather than squash the person.

I repeat:
this board is to support, not to condemn. I know I was PM'd by several moms too fearful to publicly speak out after watching a poster be put down or made to feel even worse than when they first came onboard.
I would hate to see already hurt folks go underground and not get as much input as possible without being intimidated. how many other "Susans" are out there reading the posts, and then not coming forth after seeing harsh words directed to her???


going to PM robs others in the same scenario who might benefit from seeing someone else's journey. intimidating a person already beaten down only makes them stop expressing, only adds to their pain.

for those who have never had a child in jail, you cannot possibly understand the pain and sadness, the mix of emotions, the sound of their voice on the phone, the begging they do to have you visit. perhaps this board needs a forum for those with people in jail.

yes their actions made them get there in the first place, it takes a lot to turn off our natural parenting instincts and allow your child to feel the pain so they can learn. it is also frustrating from the perspective of a parent to see no results from their incarceration.

No high horse here, no stabs, no snide comments-not my style.
perhaps just tired and shocked to see the tone of some of the words put out here lately on this board. I am simply asking that Susan and any others who need to speak be allowed to voice all their concerns as long as they need to. here on the board, not hiding for fear of being shut off.

 

[busywend]

I have seen many threads locked when they get too big. Nobody said she could not create a new thread.

Stands and all of us should feel free to create a new thread everyday if we need to. I do not think anyone is saying 'stop the support' at all.

I personally feel the poster was done a favor so she could start a new thought by starting a new post.

I agree with your patience statements.

I am not sure why a member would not PM a moderator or administrator if they have a problem. That would seem odd to me.

 

[Sunlight]

Susan,
in answer to your question about ant and me I will post in general as others have also asked.


busywend: those who PM'd me were offering support to me and then sharing their own stories and mentioned that the nature of the posts lately seems to be harsh on difficult children.

 

[Fran]

Not to drag this discussion into infinity but if there is a problem then busywend is right. It should be addressed to the moderators,adm, or owner.
If it's a group who pm each other, it becomes a clique.

If I had a dime for every e mail/pm I got from members who have something to say about long winded, no point threads, I would be well off. No group as large as this can all be happy with everyone or every policy. Tolerance goes both ways.

Janet you have received more support than anyone on this site. It's wonderful. I'm glad the members are supportive of your struggle and sadness. I don't ever see a muzzle put to you. Ever. If someone is unhappy there is a proper avenue to put a voice to their opinion. So I don't quite get your involvement here.

 

[Sunlight]

Fran only once did someone try to muzzle me and I did email that to you in detail at that time. if you have forgotten I can refresh your memory in private. I was asked by a moderator to remove my post as it was upsetting folks. I then posted to the board to ask their opinion as to whether I should discontinue posting about ant when he was at his worst. no one else ever asked me to do that. water over the bridge... I stayed on board and continued to post even when it was intense for me to post, very much due to the loving support I have gotten here from 99% of the people.

My involvement here is the same as anyone, to support others.
I so appreciate the support and kindness of the board to me. I am very grateful for that but cannot simply stand by and watch someone be so strongly pressured without speaking up.


I have deleted many of the PMs sent to me after responding to save space. I do not seek PMs, if someone wants to contact me they do. I do not intend to share the contacts of private messages. it is not a group, but individuals who expressed concern and hopefully they too will let moderators know if they feel the tone of posts is going too harsh.


In fact~~~ I emphasized that it would be sad to have folks PM and lose the benefit of the general board's input. <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">going to PM robs others in the same scenario who might benefit from seeing someone else's journey</div></div> Susan was suggested to go to PM. I found her comments to be very common for parents who are torn with emotions when going thru the struggle to detach while a loved one suffers conseqeuences.

I am not a moderator and do not envy their job, it is a tough call in a lot of cases.

 

[Suz]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">I am not a moderator and do not envy their job, it is a tough call in a lot of cases. </div></div>

Yes it is.

There isn't a parent who posts habitually in PE who is mean spirited just to be nasty. We are family here. This is a place for us to lay out our fears and problems (and joys) for the world to see, but when you do so you have to be willing to hear even those things you might not want to hear.

If you only want people to say "good job" then go stand in front of a mirror and say it to yourself.

Susan and I have corresponded via PM several times, including last night. PM is a place to have private conversations, it isn't being banished to "no man's land."

And locking Susan's thread was not putting a muzzle on her- it was to encourage her to start a new thread with a new thought. It's interesting that she understands that and has never taken offense and you don't.

But I am not going to debate- or defend- this endlessly. It is my job to look at the forum as a whole, as well as the people and posts individually. You aren't the only one who gets PMs from members- I get a good number as well- and I have to be fair to all.

So you have had your say and I have had mine. And with that it is time to move on and concentrate on why we should be here- and that is helping others.

Suz