Stepdad needs help

[CableDawg]

I'm married to the love of my life I knew since the day I first met her. She moved in after dating 6 months with her 2 boys 15 and 16 at the time. The boys father has had nothing to do with them since they were 8. i knew the very first week the older one was gonna be a problem. I tried to approach her with it and instant hell breaks lose. The boy has no motivation to do anything and every time I bring it up I'm the bad guy. He is now 20 and spends most his time in his truck smoking dope. His mom refuses to make him work or help with anything. Hell she even gave him credit card. I'm going crazy she has no idea she's hurting him and everytime I bring it up I'm cussed out and told I'm worthless and she hates my guts. He takes my tools loses them tears them up and she just makes excuses for him. His room is disgusting along with his general hygiene.

Please I need help. This boy is destroying our marriage. I love her to death but do not know what to do??

 

[pigless in VA]

Welcome, CableDawg.

While most people here will agree with you that your wife should take a stand with her son, she is not ready to do that yet. In fact, she becomes furious with you when you bring it up. I don't know when she will be ready to push him to grow up. It could take many more years.

It's been 4 years. Can you hang in there longer? Will she go to couple's counseling with you to discuss the issues?

I was a step-mother many years ago, and it was exceptionally difficult. When you aren't the natural parent, you have to take a backseat in the decision making. When faced, like you are, with some awful behaviors, it can become unbearable.

Is there a way for you to lock up your tools? I think I am most concerned about the credit card. Since the two of you are married, that puts you on the hook for half of the debt on the card. I, personally, would not be comfortable with that scenario. This "kid" is an adult. There is no reason for the two of you to give him a credit card.

 

[Tanya M]

Hi CableDawg,

I'm sorry for what you are dealing with.

I understand that this woman is the love of your life but my concern is her love for you.

I'm going crazy she has no idea she's hurting him and everytime I bring it up I'm cussed out and told I'm worthless and she hates my guts. He takes my tools loses them tears them up and she just makes excuses for him.

She is showing zero respect for you. Your step son sees how she is treating you. He knows that he can get away with whatever he wants.

I truly think you and your wife need some marriage counseling. If she is not willing to go then you should seek out a counselor for yourself.

This boy is destroying our marriage.

Your wife is allowing him to drive a wedge between the two of you. I've been there. My husband is a also a step parent and the chaos my son created drove a wedge between us.
One thing we did to help us reconnect was to take drives on the weekend. Our one rule was there would be no talking about our son. It was not easy at first but we managed to keep it together.
You cannot force your wife to change anymore than you can force your stepson to change. The only thing you have power over is how you choose to respond to all of this. If you truly want to fight for your marriage then get some counseling.

Is there a way for you to lock up your tools? I think I am most concerned about the credit card. Since the two of you are married, that puts you on the hook for half of the debt on the card. I, personally, would not be comfortable with that scenario. This "kid" is an adult. There is no reason for the two of you to give him a credit card.

I agree with pigless 100%

This is not an easy road but you can get through this. There are many here who have been where you are.

Hang in there!!!

 

[Crayola13]

I'm married to the love of my life I knew since the day I first met her. She moved in after dating 6 months with her 2 boys 15 and 16 at the time. The boys father has had nothing to do with them since they were 8. i knew the very first week the older one was gonna be a problem. I tried to approach her with it and instant hell breaks lose. The boy has no motivation to do anything and every time I bring it up I'm the bad guy. He is now 20 and spends most his time in his truck smoking dope. His mom refuses to make him work or help with anything. Hell she even gave him credit card. I'm going crazy she has no idea she's hurting him and everytime I bring it up I'm cussed out and told I'm worthless and she hates my guts. He takes my tools loses them tears them up and she just makes excuses for him. His room is disgusting along with his general hygiene.

Please I need help. This boy is destroying our marriage. I love her to death but do not know what to do??

I think your wife is in denial. If there was a way you could prove how much he spends on dope, maybe that would be helpful. I agree the two of you need marriage counseling. The kid may need some counseling, too.

 

[BusynMember]

Wow
Nothing could make my husband, who is a stepdad too, cuss me out. Not in 22 years. Wife doesn't sound as if she respects you at all. That is terrible.

If my husband said he hated my guts and I was worthless, in anger or in any other way, I would be gone unless he showed extreme remorse and controlled himelf better. Shame on her.

Serious marriage counseling may be the only thing that saves or improves this marriage. She doesn't seem to think her son is doing anything wrong and how dare you question him. Ugh. I am sorry for you. This is not a good situation. Wife isn't doing her son any favors either. You may love her, but does she love you too?

It is up to you what you are willing to take from a partner. You do put up with a lot. Thats verbal abuse.

I agree that if your wife refuses marriage counseling, go for yourself. Take care of YOU, the only person you have any control over.

You have a lot on your plate. Good luck.

 

[susiestar]

Your marriage has serious problems. I would start by taking some real, concrete steps to protect your property from this boy. I would put locks on anything you value that he could destroy, ones that your wife does not have access to. She won't keep him out and she won't make him take care of them, so you need to take concrete steps to protect your tools, especially if you earn a living with them. If you must, rent a storage unit and don't tell her where or put her name on it. Don't even show her where or keep the bills at home. Keep all of your tools and valuables there, away from this young man.

Get counseling with your wife. Go alone if you have to. Go al anon or narcanon and talk about things. Work the program along with going to counseling - it really does help, I promise. It might not seem like it at first, but it really does help a lot of people if they stick with it.

I would have a serious problem with a marriage to a person who treated me with so little respect, who spoke to me the way your wife speaks to you. Her behavior sounds more abusive. I would encourage you to not stay if she cannot treat you with true respect and love.

 

[pigless in VA]

It is up to you what you are willing to take from a partner. You do put up with a lot. Thats verbal abuse.

CableDawg, I know you still love her, but SWOT is right. When she is yelling at you about her son, she is not showing love for you. She is denying that he has a problem. He does have a problem; you know this. To her, you represent the voice of reason that she isn't ready to hear.

If you look at my signature, you can see that my son has a lot of issues. My significant other (SO) is his step-father. When SO talks to me about my son, I listen. I don't yell at him. We try to find way to help my son. Ways to push him into adulthood which do not include giving him a credit card.

We here are worried about the toll all of this is taking on YOU. Please find a way to educate yourself about your step-son's issues. Al-anon and NarcAnon are great ideas along with counseling. You will find others there who are dealing with the same issues, and you won't feel so alone.

I'm sorry that your wife is not in a place in her own personal journey where she can hear the wisdom in your words. None of us knows what you can say to her to wake her up. Please protect yourself. Your stepson is only going to get worse.

 

[CableDawg]

Welcome, CableDawg.

While most people here will agree with you that your wife should take a stand with her son, she is not ready to do that yet. In fact, she becomes furious with you when you bring it up. I don't know when she will be ready to push him to grow up. It could take many more years.

It's been 4 years. Can you hang in there longer? Will she go to couple's counseling with you to discuss the issues?

I was a step-mother many years ago, and it was exceptionally difficult. When you aren't the natural parent, you have to take a backseat in the decision making. When faced, like you are, with some awful behaviors, it can become unbearable.

Is there a way for you to lock up your tools? I think I am most concerned about the credit card. Since the two of you are married, that puts you on the hook for half of the debt on the card. I, personally, would not be comfortable with that scenario. This "kid" is an adult. There is no reason for the two of you to give him a credit card.

Thank you

 

[CableDawg]

Welcome, CableDawg.

While most people here will agree with you that your wife should take a stand with her son, she is not ready to do that yet. In fact, she becomes furious with you when you bring it up. I don't know when she will be ready to push him to grow up. It could take many more years.

It's been 4 years. Can you hang in there longer? Will she go to couple's counseling with you to discuss the issues?

I was a step-mother many years ago, and it was exceptionally difficult. When you aren't the natural parent, you have to take a backseat in the decision making. When faced, like you are, with some awful behaviors, it can become unbearable.

Is there a way for you to lock up your tools? I think I am most concerned about the credit card. Since the two of you are married, that puts you on the hook for half of the debt on the card. I, personally, would not be comfortable with that scenario. This "kid" is an adult. There is no reason for the two of you to give him a credit card.

Thank you