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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember1" data-source="post: 754305" data-attributes="member: 23706"><p>Boundaries is a fantastic book. Although in my opinion anyone can benefit from it's wisdom, it has a Christian slant. But one can skip the religious part and just focus on the common sense part.</p><p></p><p>I personally think that how we suffer and how much and if we can detach is individual,based a lot on who we are and how we tick. We are not all the same. Ditto for our disordered children. They think of us differently because they are not necessarily thinking right and they are different people from one another. I think the main reason they attack us so much is because they often are mad at the world and don't accept blame. Nobody but us would listen to their abuse. They need a willing target and I was willing for over a decade. That I listened to Kay's abuse and made her road easier may have made me feel better (in fact it did) but it hurt Kay. She learned that Mommy and Daddy would save the day with no expectations of her. And that made her not try at all. She would talk to us nicely sometimes, if we did her bidding, but she did not grow.</p><p></p><p>I am not sure that cutting her off will help her grow but she has no choice but to figure out how to live a homeless by choice life now without our money. And so far she has. After buying houses, cars, paying rent and necessities we are broke and done with her eternal Christmas. Her son now lives with my other daughter. Thank God! Thank you, God.</p><p></p><p>I want to recommend the book Codependent No More by Melody Beatty. It was the first helpful book that set me on a new mindset and path. I am very codependent. I need to fix everyone. I love. Or once needed to. Now I know I can't.</p><p></p><p>A lot of what we do for them is really to calm our hearts. That's okay as long as we find more peace doing so. I did not feel peaceful watching Kay spoil every opportunity she was given, but it felt worse not to help her. I am Mom.</p><p></p><p>Once I truly was able to let go I saw how little she cared for us and how useless all our help had been. She needs to do for herself at whatever level that is.</p><p></p><p>I can not stay alive forever to pick her up.</p><p></p><p>On the plus side, my husband and I feel healthier now than we did while overly involved with Kay and knowing Jaden is safe. So maybe we can be here longer for our loved ones who are kind to us. Kay was literally killing us. Stress causes diseases and anything you already have can get worse.</p><p></p><p>All of my friends, be good to yourself in whatever way works. That may be different for us all. God bless you!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember1, post: 754305, member: 23706"] Boundaries is a fantastic book. Although in my opinion anyone can benefit from it's wisdom, it has a Christian slant. But one can skip the religious part and just focus on the common sense part. I personally think that how we suffer and how much and if we can detach is individual,based a lot on who we are and how we tick. We are not all the same. Ditto for our disordered children. They think of us differently because they are not necessarily thinking right and they are different people from one another. I think the main reason they attack us so much is because they often are mad at the world and don't accept blame. Nobody but us would listen to their abuse. They need a willing target and I was willing for over a decade. That I listened to Kay's abuse and made her road easier may have made me feel better (in fact it did) but it hurt Kay. She learned that Mommy and Daddy would save the day with no expectations of her. And that made her not try at all. She would talk to us nicely sometimes, if we did her bidding, but she did not grow. I am not sure that cutting her off will help her grow but she has no choice but to figure out how to live a homeless by choice life now without our money. And so far she has. After buying houses, cars, paying rent and necessities we are broke and done with her eternal Christmas. Her son now lives with my other daughter. Thank God! Thank you, God. I want to recommend the book Codependent No More by Melody Beatty. It was the first helpful book that set me on a new mindset and path. I am very codependent. I need to fix everyone. I love. Or once needed to. Now I know I can't. A lot of what we do for them is really to calm our hearts. That's okay as long as we find more peace doing so. I did not feel peaceful watching Kay spoil every opportunity she was given, but it felt worse not to help her. I am Mom. Once I truly was able to let go I saw how little she cared for us and how useless all our help had been. She needs to do for herself at whatever level that is. I can not stay alive forever to pick her up. On the plus side, my husband and I feel healthier now than we did while overly involved with Kay and knowing Jaden is safe. So maybe we can be here longer for our loved ones who are kind to us. Kay was literally killing us. Stress causes diseases and anything you already have can get worse. All of my friends, be good to yourself in whatever way works. That may be different for us all. God bless you! [/QUOTE]
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