Still having hope

[CrazyinVA]

I've been thinking about this since I posted.. and I wanted to say, that after all our prodding about you seeing a counselor, Susan, I'm GLAD you took the step and are seeing one.

I hope you don't feel, after reading all these comments, "wow, they suggested I see a counselor, and I'm seeing one, and they're still not happy?!" (not that you need to make US happy, but I can see how you might feel that way, after reading some of our responses).

I just wanted to suggest that you really think about your choice in a counselor... it seems as though you chose a counselor who you thought could help your SON, and not YOU. (Hence, Witz' question to you).

This isn't about your son, do you understand that? It's a basic Al-Anon principal. We have no control over the addict. We accept that our lives are unmanageable. OUR lives, not theirs (well, theirs are too, but that's beside the point).

I just felt like I needed to say this. Again.

 

[standswithcourage]

So I believe I hear you saying I shouldnt be seeing a counselor that has anything to do with substance abuse, etc. because that is not what is wrong with me it is what is wrong with him? right? that makes sense. The counselor did tell me to ask him to write his obituary. She said it made her addict daughter think about what she was doing. Also she said she always thinks intervention is a good idea but it doesnt always work. So I understand what you are saying to me but the reason I went to the counselor was to understand why he did what he did and how I could cope with what might happen - that is the only reason I went was to try and cope with what was happening. If i had not gone I never would have heard the word codependent, enable, nor would I have thought that what I was doing was wrong.

 

[Shari]

Hay, stands, your last post gave me a little hope that you are truly detaching and learning. Keep it up.

Now that you are armed with this info, tho, I would either ask this counselor to focus on YOU, or find a counselor that isn't this assictionologist to take over with you.

Its about YOU now and its sounds like you're getting it. Congrats.

 

[susiestar]

stands - you say that with-o this "addictionologist" you would not have heard of enabling, codependence, nor would you have heard that what you were doing was dead wrong??

Are you REALLY saying this??

Do you realize that this board has been telling you this - USING THOSE WORDS - for a very long time - since well before you mentioned this "ologist".

So you are saying that NOTHING that anyone here has said about this was ever absorbed, even a tiny bit by you?

I guess that clears some things up for the rest of us.

 

[witzend]

The counselor did tell me to ask him to write his obituary. She said it made her addict daughter think about what she was doing. Also she said she always thinks intervention is a good idea but it doesnt always work.

So she is counseling him through you?

the reason I went to the counselor was to understand why he did what he did and how I could cope with what might happen

I take it, then, that your post "I understand now!" wasn't about what you understood about yourself, or about what you understood about what we have been saying to you for the last year+, but that you understood something about your son? Because going to a therapist to understand your son's addiction is just plain mind numbing to me. You are unhappy, Susan, because you are unhappy. If you want to be happy, you need to work on you.

Are you going to Al-Anon? How many meetings have you actually been to? You have told us for nearly a year now that you go, but the addicts and their families that I know go at least a couple of times a week if they are successful. Many of them go every day.

 

[witzend]

If i had not gone I never would have heard the word codependent, enable, nor would I have thought that what I was doing was wrong.

Susan, that is just plain a lie. We have been telling you that you were enabling him, that you are co-dependent, and that what you have been doing is wrong for over a year in those exact words. I gave you the link to Co-Dependent's Anonymous myself more than once! I'm not even believing what I am reading.

Are you for real? I mean, seriously, are you for real? I have wondered many times over the last year how anyone could in reality not understand anything anyone says to them the way that you seem to totally read the opposite of what we are writing to you. But to post that you had never heard of these concepts before is just beyond comprehension. You're not real, are you? You're someone who is just yanking our chains, right?

Try this. Do a "search" for "enable". You will find that every one of your threads has advice to you that says you enable your son and need to stop. Even your very first post, "My son in jail...", on August 27, 2007, Reply #54 #54! tells you that the problem is that you enable your son. It got 7,635 hits. Who is looking up your posts so often? Why is someone needing to look back at your posts so often? Is someone needing to remember who they are and what they've said? Next time you try to say you have never heard of a theory before, maybe you need to do a search first and see if the word shows up in every single one of your posts before you try to sell us that idea.

These threads of yours go on for days and days and thousands of people read them and dozens of people contribute and they all say the same thing thing and you don't remember them. If you are for real, Susan, and you truly have never heard of these concepts before, you seriously need medical and/or psychiatric help - as in MD, because there are great gaps of things that are happening in your life that you are unaware of, and that's just plain scary.

 

[CrazyinVA]

I have to say, I'm confused as well. How could you be as active in AlAnon as you say, and have a sponsor, and not understand the concept of enabling? I'm baffled.

As for a counselor involved with substance abuse, I think you SHOULD see someone well versed in substance abuse. The problem is, it should be someone who is on the FAMILY end of it, and not just the addict end of it.

 

[BusynMember]

I look at it this way. Other people ARE reading the threads, so maybe we've helped a few parents who really do want help. I don't k now what's up here, but nothing is bad when so many folks read our advice. Hey, we aren't perfect and different things work for different people, but we are pretty much giving the same advice as Al-Anon. I was glad to have this group here when my daughter was drug abusing. I mostly read the posts, I was too depressed to post myself back then. But they helped A LOT. So I see these threads as positives, even if Susan doesn't "get" them--somebody else may.

 

[janebrain]

[ The counselor did tell me to ask him to write his obituary. She said it made her addict daughter think about what she was doing. Also she said she always thinks intervention is a good idea but it doesnt always work.

Is this counselor living in the real world?! She thinks if you ask your 24 yr old son to write his obituary it will make him think about what he is doing? I am flabbergasted that she thinks your son would actually write it! Does she know he is not a 13 year old and is living with other drug users?

This counselor is not helping you to detach, this counselor is encouraging you to be right in there trying to "help" your son.

Also, I am very offended that you claim you would not have known the words "enable" and co-dependent if not for this counselor. What ****! You have heard them here a million times!

Jane

 

[witzend]

MWM-

Hopefully someone is also getting it that if you totally ignore every bit of advice people give you that those people are going to get really angry at you.

 

[Suz]

Like the rest of you, I don't know what to make of Susan's comment either.

Is she a troll- getting her jollies by intentionally upsetting those here who are genuinely trying to help her?

Maybe she has difficulty understanding written word? Not likely since she says she's a teacher, but I guess you never know.

To be honest, when I read the bit about what she'd learned from the (cough) "addictionologist" I almost spit out my drink because I was laughing so hard.

I do like MWM's post that hopefully our sweat and tears to help Susan have helped someone else along the way. I think that's a great way to think of it.

As moderator of this forum, I try to sit on my hands and let everyone have his/her say. As long as it doesn't get vicious or mean-spirited I figure everyone has a right to their words and their feelings. And, to be honest, I've been waiting to hear how Susan explains this gaffe, because surely, it can't be true.

But she hasn't and you know, I really have to draw the line when I think a poster is intentionally insulting or trying to make fools of the membership like Susan has done here.

So family, I'm going to lock this thread before I say any more.

Please don't start new threads to continue this topic. If you have anything more you would like to say, please PM Susan...or me.

Thanks,
Suz