Still on the downside of the track, need to vent.

[PonyGirl]

Short answer? Give him the basement :cool: Sounds like a Win-Win deal.

BUT, what are you looking at for consequences? Are you willing / prepared to / physically able to "take away" the basement if he breaks trust?

Is there a separate entrance to the basement? What constitutes the greater privacy?

I never had any luck with negotiations. I never had the iron-clad agreement well in hand, or even well thought-out. I was always grasping at straws.

Sounds like you & wife are much better equipped in that dept. :warrior:

That's my vote, anyway!

Peace

 

[Mikey]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: PonyGirl</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Short answer? Give him the basement :cool: Sounds like a Win-Win deal.

BUT, what are you looking at for consequences? Are you willing / prepared to / physically able to "take away" the basement if he breaks trust?

Is there a separate entrance to the basement? What constitutes the greater privacy?

I never had any luck with negotiations. I never had the iron-clad agreement well in hand, or even well thought-out. I was always grasping at straws.

Sounds like you & wife are much better equipped in that dept.
That's my vote, anyway!

Peace </div></div>

Consequences: he puts up a cash deposit, pays "rent". Every month he stays clean and doesn't break the rules, the rent builds up like a bank account. When he graduates, whatever is in the "account" he gets to keep. Break the rules (minor), money is taken out of the account. Major rule break or account runs dry, back to his little room on the 2nd floor.

Incentives: go for a while with no rule breaks, stay clean, build up trust, curfew increases, and we start "matching" his rent (like a 401(k) plan). Maybe other perks (like pay for an all-night sleepover party). Or maybe get one free month of no car payment (we financed it).

He's wanted the basement for a long time. Hopefully, it'll be like crack: once he's down there, he's hooked and won't want to give it up. Oh, he'll push the boundaries, but we'll have to push back just as hard.

:warrior:

Only one entrance in or out. Nobody can sneak up on him, but he can't sneak out, either.

wife and I aren't better equipped, we're just too whipped to try the total "tough love" thing yet. Trying to address the other normal teenage problems and see what difficult child things are left before we bring out the big guns. We already know about the S/A, but if we give in on this and a few other areas the other acting out may subside (like the curfew stuff).

Also, I'm just starting a book called "Parenting your out-of-control Teen", by Scott Sells. Haven't read the whole thing, just perused it for quick bits that may help the immediate situation. That's where I got the idea for this. Therapist thinks it might work as well. We'll see.

:surprise:

Mikey

 

[DDD]

How many friends are allowed in the basement?? What time do they
have to leave?? Is the cell turned off at a certain time??

I think the basement sounds like a good opportunity to "try" to
work with your teen. Just be sure you and wife are on the same
page as to the consequences if it doesn't fly right.

Geez, I hate this stuff! DDD

 

[Mikey]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: DDD</div><div class="ubbcode-body">How many friends are allowed in the basement?? What time do they
have to leave?? Is the cell turned off at a certain time??

I think the basement sounds like a good opportunity to "try" to
work with your teen. Just be sure you and wife are on the same
page as to the consequences if it doesn't fly right.

Geez, I hate this stuff! DDD </div></div>

Wow, 3d. Good questions, and the book I'm reading talks about that too. He says that your teen will always be two steps ahead of you and your rules, mentally. So, when you put these agreements into place, you must first play the "what if" game with wife/husband/SO before you present the agreement to your teen.

You also have to have contingency plans for when (not if) they push (or cross) the boundaries set in the agreement.

Still reading, still learning, not ready to pull the trigger yet. But working on it...

Mikey

 

[KFld]

I don't think it would so much a question of how many friends would be allowed at a time, but what friends?? When my difficult child was living home I was very straight with him when it came to certain friends I did not allow in our home, at anytime. My difficult child was always home and his friends were always at our house, which was nice because I always knew where he was, on the other hand I thought that meant I knew what he was doing. WRONG!!!! Boy was I shocked at the things I found in his room when he moved out.

I think the basement is a good idea, especially because there is only one way in or out, so he can't use it to escape when you think he's there. I would however set up rules that he has to follow, like the curfew and letting you know where he's going when he's out. Not that he'll always be where he says, unless your going to call for proof every 2 seconds, which I was never into, but I was always very strict on the curfew because I work and needed to sleep at night. The curfew to me is just simple respect whether your a easy child or a difficult child, I don't care how old you are when you live in my house.

I would tell your son this is a trial. These are the rules, follow them, you can live down there permanently, break them and the basement is gone. Then stick to it.

 

[jbrain]

Hi Mikey,
I think you should give him the basement too. I read that book, Parenting your out-of-control teen and thought it was a good book for people with easy child's. my difficult child was too far gone--contracts meant nothing to her, consequences meant nothing, incentives didn't work, etc. I am thinking your son is actually not so bad since he will actually work with you or at least it seems he will work with you!

Good luck
Jane

 

[AliceLee]

Getting in on the tail end of this post, but here are my 2 cents:

1. A therapist (specializing in substance abuse) we have worked with told us that when parents know or suspect that their kids are using drugs, usually the kids' drug use is actually 3 times greater than what we would estimate.

2. Have you thought about using the basement as an incentive? He gets the basement AFTER following rules for a specified time period. I don't think I'd want to reward him for the way he's been behaving.

3. I read that book on parenting out of control teens, too. It did have some good ideas, which I used, but unfortunately wasn't the fix I'd hoped it would be. I agree with whoever said that it probably was better for easy child's who were just going through typical teenaged angst.

4. Can you legally kick your son out at age 17? That may not even be an option until he's 18 in your state.

 

[SunnyFlorida]

Gotta reply back Mikey :smile:

#1, sounds like you’ve got a great therapist. Some of us should be so lucky. I know I tried at least three of them and none of them gave me the answers or guidance that your’s has. Lucky you!
#2, your difficult child sounds like a smart cookie. The alternative school sounds like a place that was able to pique his interest and help him move along. The fact that difficult child is attending and doing well is exceptionally good.
#3, your difficult child is working and paying for things as well as going to school. That is absolutely fantastic. So fantastic is this, I think you should rename him a easy child/difficult child. He’s got quite a easy child side to him. From reading your posts, it does sound like your easy child/difficult child is using a balancing act of school, work, friends, and family. The family part may not be near the top…but it’s in there.

There’s an author named Ross Greene. He’s got a book called “The explosive child” and I think he’s got another book for teens also. He uses collaborative problem solving. Many parents here have found success with “the basket system” If you haven’t googled or read it, this might be a great resource for you.

I think the basement is a good idea. It's worth a try. in my humble opinion you might think in baby steps though with the outcome being your incentives and consequences when your difficult child has reached 18 and moving beyond.

Let's be real here. Yes we know teens need/want privacy. That's a given. easy child teens have secrets, experiement with drugs, sex, etc, want to hang with friends, etc. The difference is that easy child teens can manage their lives. ie: they can balance school, friends, parents, work, etc. difficult child's cannot do this. They are stuck on one avenue with no sidestreets and no exit. It's only when they crash into a wall that they seek another street.

If you give difficult child the basement, you should expect that difficult child will test the rules and experiment. By using the basket system, you could define what is most important to you and what you will let slide.

One other thing. You might be surprised, difficult child’s when they have their privacy become very aware that “this is their crib” and they don’t want anyone else messing up their stuff. They become very protective.