I am so stressed and tired of life. Last year was a hard year. This year has started even worse. My eldest daughter who I think has borderline personality disorder has been relentless in her hate campaign and I am exhausted with the constant game playing. If it weren't for my grand daughter, I could quite easily stay in bed with the covers over my head. My husband and I are suffering financially at the moment, and every penny counts. I have £60 to last me to the end of March. Under $100. I have tried to work as many hours as I can, but my job is a zero hour contract and the pay fluctuates. For a woman who has spent the last 20 odd years bringing up kids, and not pursuing a career this is the best I can do at the moment. My youngest daughter suffers from an auto immune disease, and has done since aged 5. She is at University a 4 hour drive away. Whenever she is unwell, it is always me or her step dad that go fetch her and bring her home so I can look after her. My ex husband her father a multi millionaire, never, ever goes to get her. Ever since he left when she was 6 years old I have looked after all 3 kids alone, on a budget. He has never been there for them its always me. Yet, they respect him and not me. He always says No for everything, so they always ask me. I cannot afford the train fare of £120 to go and pick her up and help her on the train to come home. I do have a car, but again the Petrol would be around £90 which I do not have! I am also have anxiety attacks due to the stress that my eldest daughter has put me under. I can't eat properly or sleep at the moment. I would drive if I could get the money together but am not confident enough to even try. I am too scared. I have never been scared of anything in my life, but I have been reduced to nothing and cannot face anything. My husbands work has been very erratic and we don't know if we can pay our two mortgages this month. He actually has work on the day she wants us to pick her up, so he can't go get her either. He needs the work. We have two mortgages as he pays his sisters mortgage, as she has been unwell for some time, and he has always looked after her, she doesn't work. I just got off of the telephone with my youngest and I said out straight I am sorry but we can't come and get you. She was really upset. As am I as I feel guilty that I can't get her. She is 22 years old and is very forthright with her opinions with me, but always lets her Dad off the hook. He could afford to send someone to pick her up or go himself. He drives a Ferrari thats how much money he has! His last bonus was One million pounds! Why won't she ask him? Because he won't go, and will tell her we have to go. He doesn't talk to me, and I am too embarassed for him to know that we can't afford to go. She will find it very difficult on the train alone, as her walking will be hard for her. I am scared also that she will then team up with her elder sister who currently hates me, and be also horrible to me. Her sister is also married to a very wealthy man, and she could easily afford to help her sister come home. I am always there for them, but this time I just can't cope or go. I feel desolate and desperate, ashamed and useless. My youngest daughter and I are usually very close, but she is used to me always saving the day, and this time I can't deliver. I fear for the consequences. Her birthday is at the beginning of April and when I get paid I will have some money to buy her a nice gift. If I can borrow the money from a friend to go get her by train, I will then not be able to give her a gift on her birthday. I am so ashamed. I have sold anything of value through E Bay, but there's not much left. I am in my 50's and can't believe the situation I am in. This is my second marriage, and we are happy but having 5 kids between us it is very hard. They are all adults but very needy. I know it is our fault, as my ex and his ex are used to us always being there for them. When we on the rare occasion say No, they are angry and shocked. Emotional blackmail is rife. I feel like a fool and a failure. What am I to do? I have never said No to my youngest as she has ill health, and its hard for me to change. I may have to phone her Dad, but 16 years later he doesn't talk to me. He was the one that had an affair, but has been very angry with me as I re married! Feel like the worst mother and human being ever.
Stressed and sick can't take much more of ungrateful adult children
- Thread starter Lioness
- Start date
LittleDudesMom
Well-Known Member
Billy, please don't feel you are the worst mother and human being! That is not true!
We all have regrets and things we wish we had done differently. We all make mistakes raising our difficult children. Heck, I wish I could go back and do a few things over on a regular basis.
Bottom line, even if you do everything right there are no guarantees, even with typical kids. Don't be ashamed about your financial situation. Folks all over the world are experiencing the same thing. These young people are in their majority now and you are not responsible for their financial needs. I would be honest and up front, "sorry honey, I can't afford it right now, why don't you ask your father (or your sister)?" Or just eliminate the second part and leave it at the first.
Sometimes being open and honest up front removes the problem and relieves the guilt.
Give yourself and your husband a hug and have a glass of wine (or a bubble bath)! You are ok.
Sharon
We all have regrets and things we wish we had done differently. We all make mistakes raising our difficult children. Heck, I wish I could go back and do a few things over on a regular basis.
Bottom line, even if you do everything right there are no guarantees, even with typical kids. Don't be ashamed about your financial situation. Folks all over the world are experiencing the same thing. These young people are in their majority now and you are not responsible for their financial needs. I would be honest and up front, "sorry honey, I can't afford it right now, why don't you ask your father (or your sister)?" Or just eliminate the second part and leave it at the first.
Sometimes being open and honest up front removes the problem and relieves the guilt.
Give yourself and your husband a hug and have a glass of wine (or a bubble bath)! You are ok.
Sharon
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Ok, ok, ok, ok.
Take a deep breath.
Hon, it's time to take care of YOU.
First, Easy Child. If she is that sick that often and needs you to visit her, and it's hard financially, she needs to transfer to a school near to where you live or not expect you to take care of her. There is no other option other than for you to go broke and get so sick you can't visit her anyway, even if you want. She is an adult and even if she wants to go to the college she is at, it might just not be in the cards for her. If she can't manage her disease alone, she knows this and should stay closer to you. Does it make her feel bad or is she actually immobilized? At some point, she will have to learn to manage her illness or find outside resources to help her with it. None of us can live forever!!!
Now I did not have very good parents, but they did one thing right. My brother had/has Crohn's Disease. He almost died once. He moved to NJ from IL. They did not rush up to take care of him whenever he was sick. He learned how to take care of himself. They did go if he had surgery. That was it. Crohns is also an immune deficiency disease and it is very painful and most adults who have it are on Disability.
As for borderline daughter, you have talked about her. Have you gone low contact with her?
My opinion is that since borderlines never quit the drama and the love/hate/meanness/niceness and never make any sense it is mandatory for anyone who wants to keep on his/her life to get therapy from a psychologist who truly understands borderline and knows best how to deal with having one around. They are not pleasant and it has nothing to do with you.
If you are her target, it is best to stay away as much as you can. She will then probably find another target, but not before punishing you first, if you allow it. The less you react, the better it will be for you. A wonderful book called "Stop Walking on Eggshells" is available on Amazon. It is for the loved ones of a borderline...how to live with it. I don't know the author, but it is the only book with that name. It will come up if you try to order it.
Now, this puzzles me. Why on earth would your husband pay sister's mortgage? That is unnecessary. She can move. If it is hard on you financially, in my opinion it is not right to do it...it is treating yourself badly and since Sis can't afford the house, she can move to an apartment, cant' she? If you give everything you have to others, you will not even notice that you had a life at all.I feel it is selfish of her not to offer to move. If you can't work...you expect your brother to pay for your house?
That doesn't make sense to me...at any rate, take what you like from what I said (if anything) and leave the rest. A lot of this seems unreasonable on the part of others to me...so this is just my opinion. I'd never let anyone pay my mortgage for me. I'd move to a cheap place I could afford...Here is a hint that I didn't pick up until my late 40s. Your adult kids respect their father more than you because he takes care of himself and is unwilling to jump when they tell him to. It seems unfair, because you are doing everything for them, but that's how it works. You don't get respect by being a doormat, and I was one once so I know.
Hugs! BE GOOD TO YOURSELF. Don't make your whole life about your children. They are grown now. Go out and have a ball!!!
Take a deep breath.
Hon, it's time to take care of YOU.
First, Easy Child. If she is that sick that often and needs you to visit her, and it's hard financially, she needs to transfer to a school near to where you live or not expect you to take care of her. There is no other option other than for you to go broke and get so sick you can't visit her anyway, even if you want. She is an adult and even if she wants to go to the college she is at, it might just not be in the cards for her. If she can't manage her disease alone, she knows this and should stay closer to you. Does it make her feel bad or is she actually immobilized? At some point, she will have to learn to manage her illness or find outside resources to help her with it. None of us can live forever!!!
Now I did not have very good parents, but they did one thing right. My brother had/has Crohn's Disease. He almost died once. He moved to NJ from IL. They did not rush up to take care of him whenever he was sick. He learned how to take care of himself. They did go if he had surgery. That was it. Crohns is also an immune deficiency disease and it is very painful and most adults who have it are on Disability.
As for borderline daughter, you have talked about her. Have you gone low contact with her?
My opinion is that since borderlines never quit the drama and the love/hate/meanness/niceness and never make any sense it is mandatory for anyone who wants to keep on his/her life to get therapy from a psychologist who truly understands borderline and knows best how to deal with having one around. They are not pleasant and it has nothing to do with you.
If you are her target, it is best to stay away as much as you can. She will then probably find another target, but not before punishing you first, if you allow it. The less you react, the better it will be for you. A wonderful book called "Stop Walking on Eggshells" is available on Amazon. It is for the loved ones of a borderline...how to live with it. I don't know the author, but it is the only book with that name. It will come up if you try to order it.
Now, this puzzles me. Why on earth would your husband pay sister's mortgage? That is unnecessary. She can move. If it is hard on you financially, in my opinion it is not right to do it...it is treating yourself badly and since Sis can't afford the house, she can move to an apartment, cant' she? If you give everything you have to others, you will not even notice that you had a life at all.I feel it is selfish of her not to offer to move. If you can't work...you expect your brother to pay for your house?
That doesn't make sense to me...at any rate, take what you like from what I said (if anything) and leave the rest. A lot of this seems unreasonable on the part of others to me...so this is just my opinion. I'd never let anyone pay my mortgage for me. I'd move to a cheap place I could afford...Here is a hint that I didn't pick up until my late 40s. Your adult kids respect their father more than you because he takes care of himself and is unwilling to jump when they tell him to. It seems unfair, because you are doing everything for them, but that's how it works. You don't get respect by being a doormat, and I was one once so I know.
Hugs! BE GOOD TO YOURSELF. Don't make your whole life about your children. They are grown now. Go out and have a ball!!!
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Thank you so much for your words. I have said we can't do it think she was shocked because we usually always do it. I texted her to say it nicely but have yet to receive a reply.
Every one of yoir points is 100% correct. You have advised me to keep my distance with the Borderline (BPD) daughter & I have but she now keeps texting/calling with trivi questions! I stay away from antagonising her just don't talk about anything inflammatory. I am actually tired of my life as it is and want to make changes. Before it's too late. They are all resistant to change and we will have a battle on our hands. My youngest who is unwell is finishing university this summer. So it's nearly over. Thank God. When she's here & unwell as she has difficulty walking as in too much pain it is exhausting for me & she's quite demanding. She has noone else. She's a lovely girl normally but when in pain it's hard work. Her Father has no conscience but I have even though she's 22 years old now. It's just too much for me now. I can't cope anymore. I can't be everything for everyone. I know I have to look after myself but I'am the bottom of the pile. If it weren't for this forum and your wise, kind and good advice I don't know what I would do. I'am not depressed just desperate and tired toy bones.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Do you have any nursing services in the UK? We have nurses who will come to your house. I don't think it is good for your older daughter to rely on you to take care of her when she is ill. Some day she is either going to have to learn to take care of herself, even if it's painful, or have no life at all ever. My brother did it and she can do. And trust me he lives with pain every day of his life. But he's far, far away and teaches (he is NOT on Disability) and there is nobody to care for him when he is sick. If we have a chronic illness, it is up to us to learn how to best manage it on our own or we will truly be crippled by it. Again, you can't live forever. She needs to learn how to care for herself. She is well enough to go to college. She can do this. You should not need to run after her each time she has a flare up. She needs to rely on health care professionals when she gets sick...and herself. I don't know what she has, but unless it is cancer, I can not imagine it is more painful than childhood Crohn's. My brother is on medication that they give to Leukemia patients, although he doesn't have it, and also other medications, like Prednisone. And he is taking care of himself. He lives alone. He left Chicago when he graduated with his Masters so at 24 he was in a new state far, far away and from then on, he learned how to pace himself and how to take care of himself when ill. And he is ill almost every day. Now my mother is gone so if he had depended on her, for the past ten years he would have been REALLY helpless. I am not close to my brother for various reasons, but I admire him and I think my parents did the right thing, telling him he would have to take care of himself. He does!!!!
Now your husband's sister is still a puzzle to me. Why put her in front of you and your husband when she can very well find a place to live that is subsidized? I don't get that one at all.
You are only at the bottom because you put yourself there. Nobody can make you value yourself less than everybody else in the world. Only you can do that. Do I think that it's good? No. I don't think it is good at all to be so dog tired and burned out and depressed and sick that you endanger your own health and well being and financial security to take care of the rest of the world, family or not family. I think your ex is doing a better job of it than you are. He may be a psychopath. I don't know that. But in no way is he obligated to run and take care of anybody just because he has a lot of money adn it is easier for him. He can put himself first. And you can put yourself first. What will happen to those you take care of if you get so sick you need help? Will they all flock to care for you, financially and otherwise, or will they get angry or resent you for no longer being able to caretake them? It is not your responsibility to care for adults. At least (again, these are just my thoughts) I don't believe it is good to put everyone else in front of you so that your health and financial status and maybe even your life are in peril. Yes, I had to learn this too.
I think you'd enjoy another book "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie. I was super codependent until I joined a group called Codapendents Anonymous. I honestly believed that the worst way a person could be was to think of one's self at all, let alone first. Everyone threw me around. I was everybody's doormat and go-to helper. I felt I had to do it all. My life was a waste of time because I wasn't living life. I was living everyone else's life and barely able to keep my eyes open. Plus I suffer from severe depression.
I am happy now. It has been a long road and I hope you end up in the same place where I'm at. I no longer feel responsible for adults and I have many interests and a husband who is good at self-care too. I nurture me and try to be my own best friend. My kids respect me and I honestly think part of that is because I do take care of me and don't fall all over them and their needs and I let them live their lives. And if they abused me, I'd be very low contact. They know this. I have a very good relationship with all of my grown kids, but I work on it.
Strongly suggested: Do not read your daughter's text messages. It's the same thing as listening to her abuse.
You forgot to post in Parent Emeritus, where you would have gotten a bigger response. This particular forum is for parents of younger kids...under eighteen. You may want to try posting there to get more than just MY ideas. All of us on that forum bring something unique to the talbe...and we have all been through the mill with our grown kids. And we are sharing our experiences and trying to support one another.
Take care of YOU tonight. You and hub...just have a blast. Turn off the phones and have fun!!!!!
Now your husband's sister is still a puzzle to me. Why put her in front of you and your husband when she can very well find a place to live that is subsidized? I don't get that one at all.
You are only at the bottom because you put yourself there. Nobody can make you value yourself less than everybody else in the world. Only you can do that. Do I think that it's good? No. I don't think it is good at all to be so dog tired and burned out and depressed and sick that you endanger your own health and well being and financial security to take care of the rest of the world, family or not family. I think your ex is doing a better job of it than you are. He may be a psychopath. I don't know that. But in no way is he obligated to run and take care of anybody just because he has a lot of money adn it is easier for him. He can put himself first. And you can put yourself first. What will happen to those you take care of if you get so sick you need help? Will they all flock to care for you, financially and otherwise, or will they get angry or resent you for no longer being able to caretake them? It is not your responsibility to care for adults. At least (again, these are just my thoughts) I don't believe it is good to put everyone else in front of you so that your health and financial status and maybe even your life are in peril. Yes, I had to learn this too.
I think you'd enjoy another book "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie. I was super codependent until I joined a group called Codapendents Anonymous. I honestly believed that the worst way a person could be was to think of one's self at all, let alone first. Everyone threw me around. I was everybody's doormat and go-to helper. I felt I had to do it all. My life was a waste of time because I wasn't living life. I was living everyone else's life and barely able to keep my eyes open. Plus I suffer from severe depression.
I am happy now. It has been a long road and I hope you end up in the same place where I'm at. I no longer feel responsible for adults and I have many interests and a husband who is good at self-care too. I nurture me and try to be my own best friend. My kids respect me and I honestly think part of that is because I do take care of me and don't fall all over them and their needs and I let them live their lives. And if they abused me, I'd be very low contact. They know this. I have a very good relationship with all of my grown kids, but I work on it.
Strongly suggested: Do not read your daughter's text messages. It's the same thing as listening to her abuse.
You forgot to post in Parent Emeritus, where you would have gotten a bigger response. This particular forum is for parents of younger kids...under eighteen. You may want to try posting there to get more than just MY ideas. All of us on that forum bring something unique to the talbe...and we have all been through the mill with our grown kids. And we are sharing our experiences and trying to support one another.
Take care of YOU tonight. You and hub...just have a blast. Turn off the phones and have fun!!!!!
Thank you so much. You always make complete sense. I am trying to claw back a semblance of a life for myself, as things are getting harder, and harder. This has put my marriage under a great deal of strain. My husband is also a very accomadating person, and he is Mr Reliable and the go to person for his and my children. He has always supported his sister as she has mental health issues, severe depression so she works very erratically. He is so used to propping her up all the time. This is a second marriage and we have both been so super cautious to not upset our 5 kids between us from separate marriages, to the detriment of our relationship. Our exes do not help our kids at all. They therefore all rely on us for any emergency, or problem. I spoke to my husband today, and told him that we need to make changes as we can't go on like this anymore. He wants to change too. His daughter is upset with him today as she wanted to come for dinner tonight as she didn't want to cook. We are not having dinner tonight as we ate at lunch time, and will only snack. I am unwell today and trying to conserve my energy for work tomorrow. Mentally and physically exhausted with a sore throat. He said we weren't cooking, so she wanted him to take her out for dinner which he would normally have to do. He said he couldn't as we were on a budget so she hung up the phone! She is 24 years old, lives at home with her Mum. She only works part time for 3-4 hours a day! Seriously, she left a well paid job because she had to work 6 days a week but it was a very well paid job with prospects. Yet she wants us to cook for her! She has all day to sort out a meal. I feel like I am going crazy, what the hell has happened to this generation?! I applaud your parents for bringing your brother up to be more self sufficient despite his illness. My daughter too takes medication, that is very strong, she has to have blood tests every two weeks to test her kidney and liver function. She is ill most days and only feels ok for maybe one day a week. She has learnt to handle it pretty well. I do worry as I am her lifeline. I am going to look into what help there is out there. She does get assistance at University sometimes, they supply someone to push her around the campus in a wheelchair. This is a new development which really knocked her confidence. But most days she walks for herself. I feel so overloaded, and carry it all any more. I will post on the other forum from now on, what an imbecile I am! ThanksDo you have any nursing services in the UK? We have nurses who will come to your house. I don't think it is good for your older daughter to rely on you to take care of her when she is ill. Some day she is either going to have to learn to take care of herself, even if it's painful, or have no life at all ever. My brother did it and she can do. And trust me he lives with pain every day of his life. But he's far, far away and teaches (he is NOT on Disability) and there is nobody to care for him when he is sick. If we have a chronic illness, it is up to us to learn how to best manage it on our own or we will truly be crippled by it. Again, you can't live forever. She needs to learn how to care for herself. She is well enough to go to college. She can do this. You should not need to run after her each time she has a flare up. She needs to rely on health care professionals when she gets sick...and herself. I don't know what she has, but unless it is cancer, I can not imagine it is more painful than childhood Crohn's. My brother is on medication that they give to Leukemia patients, although he doesn't have it, and also other medications, like Prednisone. And he is taking care of himself. He lives alone. He left Chicago when he graduated with his Masters so at 24 he was in a new state far, far away and from then on, he learned how to pace himself and how to take care of himself when ill. And he is ill almost every day. Now my mother is gone so if he had depended on her, for the past ten years he would have been REALLY helpless. I am not close to my brother for various reasons, but I admire him and I think my parents did the right thing, telling him he would have to take care of himself. He does!!!!
Now your husband's sister is still a puzzle to me. Why put her in front of you and your husband when she can very well find a place to live that is subsidized? I don't get that one at all.
You are only at the bottom because you put yourself there. Nobody can make you value yourself less than everybody else in the world. Only you can do that. Do I think that it's good? No. I don't think it is good at all to be so dog tired and burned out and depressed and sick that you endanger your own health and well being and financial security to take care of the rest of the world, family or not family. I think your ex is doing a better job of it than you are. He may be a psychopath. I don't know that. But in no way is he obligated to run and take care of anybody just because he has a lot of money adn it is easier for him. He can put himself first. And you can put yourself first. What will happen to those you take care of if you get so sick you need help? Will they all flock to care for you, financially and otherwise, or will they get angry or resent you for no longer being able to caretake them? It is not your responsibility to care for adults. At least (again, these are just my thoughts) I don't believe it is good to put everyone else in front of you so that your health and financial status and maybe even your life are in peril. Yes, I had to learn this too.
I think you'd enjoy another book "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie. I was super codependent until I joined a group called Codapendents Anonymous. I honestly believed that the worst way a person could be was to think of one's self at all, let alone first. Everyone threw me around. I was everybody's doormat and go-to helper. I felt I had to do it all. My life was a waste of time because I wasn't living life. I was living everyone else's life and barely able to keep my eyes open. Plus I suffer from severe depression.
I am happy now. It has been a long road and I hope you end up in the same place where I'm at. I no longer feel responsible for adults and I have many interests and a husband who is good at self-care too. I nurture me and try to be my own best friend. My kids respect me and I honestly think part of that is because I do take care of me and don't fall all over them and their needs and I let them live their lives. And if they abused me, I'd be very low contact. They know this. I have a very good relationship with all of my grown kids, but I work on it.
Strongly suggested: Do not read your daughter's text messages. It's the same thing as listening to her abuse.
You forgot to post in Parent Emeritus, where you would have gotten a bigger response. This particular forum is for parents of younger kids...under eighteen. You may want to try posting there to get more than just MY ideas. All of us on that forum bring something unique to the talbe...and we have all been through the mill with our grown kids. And we are sharing our experiences and trying to support one another.
Take care of YOU tonight. You and hub...just have a blast. Turn off the phones and have fun!!!!!
No chance of him doing it, he is the original selfish Mr Big who won't do anything unless its for himself. She knows he wont do it. Emotional blackmail is a powerful offensive weapon. Thanks for the hugs, I really need them. Am going to post in the other forum MidwestMom recommended in the future, I am new to all this. Thanks again. x
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Billy, I am going to answer as a take off to something you said when your post was in "General." Your stepdaughter wanted you to cook for her (at her age, WTH?") and you asked, "What's wrong with this generation?" I want to give you some food for thought.
It isn't the generation of kids. It's us.
We give these kids everything, jump w hen they snap their fingers, and act like they are more important than we are. In previous generations (more in my time) parents demanded respect and got it. They did not buy the kids a car, a cell phone (there were none), they did not hand out money, they had expectations of adult children (work or get out). We are the ones who give ourselves entitled adult children. If we said "No" more often, they may pout or punish us or tell us how awful we are, but they also will learn that we are not on earth to do their bidding. Now if we keep doing it to keep the peace or because we don't want our little darlings, who are 35 or 25, to be pouty or angry, they will continue to learn that we will do all they ask us to do or they will feel entitled to hang up on us, swear at us, cuss us horrible names, and use emotional blackmail to hurt us. Your adult kids sound like that, both steps and yours. If you never change, this will be your life forever and it is partly on YOU.
Ok, it is A LOT on you.
Your husband does not have to pay mortgage for mentally ill sibling. She is mentally ill? So am I. Why does that give her the right to take so much of your money? Why does he feel he has to do this? Why doesn't she find somewhere else to live? I live in an apartment. It's not bad. Sis doesn't need a house. If it is making you monetarily tight, in my opinion, it is wrong to keep doing it. Mental illness does not mean a free house. She, like your daughter, needs to learn to use the healthcare system and let you and your husband live your own lives.
We made this generation what it is. There are plenty of not spoiled, entitled adult kids, who are kind and hardworking, but they had parents were knew better than we did. Adult children do not respect parents who are afraid of them and do everything they ask. Again, that is one reason why ex gets more respect. They know he will take care of his needs and they should know you will take care of your needs too. Or this will be your life...meaning you will not HAVE a life. And everyone will dump on you two yet act like you owe it to them while ex continues to get their respect. That's how it works. People respect those who are mindful of their own wishes and have boundaries. Doormats always rank last in how th ey are treated and thought of. Don't be a doormat anymore. Those feet walking all over you are quite dirty. And the footsteps hurt.
If your kids don't love our for your unconditonal loving heart and not because you can rescue them or give them expensive presents, think about whether they love you at all. Love does not have a dollar tag attached to it, Know what I mean?? Why are you afraid of what your daughter will do? Why does she have so much frightening power over you? This is not a good relationship. It is one based on fear. "If I don't do everything she wants, she may not like me." If that is the case, you have no relationship at all. My husband and I are the ones without the money and the kids don't get big presents from us and we can't run to visit them when they always want us to and all four of my kids really love and respect us. We did not do everything right, but this we did right. My ex gives them more expensive presents, but when it comes right down to it, I know they love me best and it feels good deep inside.And it is not because of what material things I have given them.
A good relationship is not connected to how much you can do for them. It is a good realtionship because you have mutual love, no matter what, and nothing else.
Hugs.
It isn't the generation of kids. It's us.
We give these kids everything, jump w hen they snap their fingers, and act like they are more important than we are. In previous generations (more in my time) parents demanded respect and got it. They did not buy the kids a car, a cell phone (there were none), they did not hand out money, they had expectations of adult children (work or get out). We are the ones who give ourselves entitled adult children. If we said "No" more often, they may pout or punish us or tell us how awful we are, but they also will learn that we are not on earth to do their bidding. Now if we keep doing it to keep the peace or because we don't want our little darlings, who are 35 or 25, to be pouty or angry, they will continue to learn that we will do all they ask us to do or they will feel entitled to hang up on us, swear at us, cuss us horrible names, and use emotional blackmail to hurt us. Your adult kids sound like that, both steps and yours. If you never change, this will be your life forever and it is partly on YOU.
Ok, it is A LOT on you.
Your husband does not have to pay mortgage for mentally ill sibling. She is mentally ill? So am I. Why does that give her the right to take so much of your money? Why does he feel he has to do this? Why doesn't she find somewhere else to live? I live in an apartment. It's not bad. Sis doesn't need a house. If it is making you monetarily tight, in my opinion, it is wrong to keep doing it. Mental illness does not mean a free house. She, like your daughter, needs to learn to use the healthcare system and let you and your husband live your own lives.
We made this generation what it is. There are plenty of not spoiled, entitled adult kids, who are kind and hardworking, but they had parents were knew better than we did. Adult children do not respect parents who are afraid of them and do everything they ask. Again, that is one reason why ex gets more respect. They know he will take care of his needs and they should know you will take care of your needs too. Or this will be your life...meaning you will not HAVE a life. And everyone will dump on you two yet act like you owe it to them while ex continues to get their respect. That's how it works. People respect those who are mindful of their own wishes and have boundaries. Doormats always rank last in how th ey are treated and thought of. Don't be a doormat anymore. Those feet walking all over you are quite dirty. And the footsteps hurt.
If your kids don't love our for your unconditonal loving heart and not because you can rescue them or give them expensive presents, think about whether they love you at all. Love does not have a dollar tag attached to it, Know what I mean?? Why are you afraid of what your daughter will do? Why does she have so much frightening power over you? This is not a good relationship. It is one based on fear. "If I don't do everything she wants, she may not like me." If that is the case, you have no relationship at all. My husband and I are the ones without the money and the kids don't get big presents from us and we can't run to visit them when they always want us to and all four of my kids really love and respect us. We did not do everything right, but this we did right. My ex gives them more expensive presents, but when it comes right down to it, I know they love me best and it feels good deep inside.And it is not because of what material things I have given them.
A good relationship is not connected to how much you can do for them. It is a good realtionship because you have mutual love, no matter what, and nothing else.
Hugs.
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Oh My! I bury my head in shame as you are totally right! I know it's my/our fault. I didn't have loving parents my Mum was a violent abusive mother who told me daily how much she hated me & wished I was dead. My Dad left us to "save myself". I vowed that I would be the best mother in the world and be a loving all giving Mother. I went too far the other way. I need to stop having my pity party and respect myself more my husband needs to do the same. His parents died when he was young & he has always been responsible for his sister. I don't know how we can resolve that issue. The kids need boundaries this was so much easier when they were little and before Divorce. It's taken years to create this mess I do hope it doesn't take years to undo. I need to make changes I really do. I do desperately wanted my kids to love me and that is a sad pathetic fact. Will try hard to slowly change. Thanks to you all.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Well, I think husband can care for his sister's emotional needs without paying her mortgage. Can you really afford that? She can't find another place to live?
Also, it's not just you who has done this. I had horrible parents too and decided I would love my kids to pieces. I get I got kind of "llucky" because my first husband was a cheapie and wouldn't give the kids anything and my second one is generous, but we don't have enough money to just hand them anything they want and my two kids from that marriage k now and respect it. They also think the world of their father. Although he wasn't a top provider, he also coached their teams, was there as often as me, was as loving as me and taught them wonderful values that both have utilized. You can't buy love. If I had married a wealthy, giving man I may have done what you did, but it was never an option and it worked out for the best.
None of my kids, even Difficult Child, are entitled and all bought their own cars, paid their own part of car insurance, put in gas themselves, had part time jobs by sixteen and all have good work ethics, even my most Difficult Child. When Difficult Child calls me 1,000 times a night because he "needs you!!!" he still knows and doesn't ask me to fly a plane or take train down to Missouri. He knows I can't afford to do it and that his decision to move made it unlikely that I can comfort him in person. And he is not exactly always kind...he just understands that money doesn't grow on trees and that traveling requires money.
I did not do it 100% right or I wouldn't be here. My Difficult Child was once so scary I had to make him leave and wondered if he'd end up in jail. I worried he was maybe a sociopath. My oldest daughter took a variety of dangerous drugs that I thought would kill her in the end. And my first hub and I adopted a son from another country at age six and he walked out on us. We haven't seen him for eight years.
I'm left with four loving adult kids, although one is difficult. The drug user is clean. The kids work hard, live on their own, are good parents, and do not expect me to fund them. I can feel how much they love me and it is reciprocated. But none of it was based on what we gave them. Yes, we gave them opportunties and found ways to send them to college, which all of them but one turned down. But they are still all hardworking and self-supporting and I do have one autistic son. He lives on his own by choice and never calls me to ask me to do anything for him. He was brought up to be independent. He needs a little help, which he gets from us sometimes and the community, but he is not demanding and he works.
I think too many parents believe their kids HAVE to have their own cars that they fund, HAVE to have all the toys that THEY pay for (even when they are 25), etc. I think this makes the adult children think of us as their personal bank. I don't feel it is a good trend. I believe strongly that when you work hard for something, you appreciate it more. Plus you can then relate to your parent's situation and not get so angry when the money isn't forthcoming.
My parents were horribly abusive too and the best thing I did for my kids was to unconditionally love them without expecting them to entertain me now that they moved out and I have an empty nest. I learned how to be a good mother to adult children from my ex-mother in law who has a special place in Heaven, I am sure. She was an angel. Kept her tongue. Never a bad word about anyone, let alone her grown kids or their significant others. If she had favoritism, we did not see it. I decided to be like her. I am grateful I had her as a role model as my mother was the exact opposite of her.
She did not hand out money, although we found out later, she had money. We still loved her to death.
Also, it's not just you who has done this. I had horrible parents too and decided I would love my kids to pieces. I get I got kind of "llucky" because my first husband was a cheapie and wouldn't give the kids anything and my second one is generous, but we don't have enough money to just hand them anything they want and my two kids from that marriage k now and respect it. They also think the world of their father. Although he wasn't a top provider, he also coached their teams, was there as often as me, was as loving as me and taught them wonderful values that both have utilized. You can't buy love. If I had married a wealthy, giving man I may have done what you did, but it was never an option and it worked out for the best.
None of my kids, even Difficult Child, are entitled and all bought their own cars, paid their own part of car insurance, put in gas themselves, had part time jobs by sixteen and all have good work ethics, even my most Difficult Child. When Difficult Child calls me 1,000 times a night because he "needs you!!!" he still knows and doesn't ask me to fly a plane or take train down to Missouri. He knows I can't afford to do it and that his decision to move made it unlikely that I can comfort him in person. And he is not exactly always kind...he just understands that money doesn't grow on trees and that traveling requires money.
I did not do it 100% right or I wouldn't be here. My Difficult Child was once so scary I had to make him leave and wondered if he'd end up in jail. I worried he was maybe a sociopath. My oldest daughter took a variety of dangerous drugs that I thought would kill her in the end. And my first hub and I adopted a son from another country at age six and he walked out on us. We haven't seen him for eight years.
I'm left with four loving adult kids, although one is difficult. The drug user is clean. The kids work hard, live on their own, are good parents, and do not expect me to fund them. I can feel how much they love me and it is reciprocated. But none of it was based on what we gave them. Yes, we gave them opportunties and found ways to send them to college, which all of them but one turned down. But they are still all hardworking and self-supporting and I do have one autistic son. He lives on his own by choice and never calls me to ask me to do anything for him. He was brought up to be independent. He needs a little help, which he gets from us sometimes and the community, but he is not demanding and he works.
I think too many parents believe their kids HAVE to have their own cars that they fund, HAVE to have all the toys that THEY pay for (even when they are 25), etc. I think this makes the adult children think of us as their personal bank. I don't feel it is a good trend. I believe strongly that when you work hard for something, you appreciate it more. Plus you can then relate to your parent's situation and not get so angry when the money isn't forthcoming.
My parents were horribly abusive too and the best thing I did for my kids was to unconditionally love them without expecting them to entertain me now that they moved out and I have an empty nest. I learned how to be a good mother to adult children from my ex-mother in law who has a special place in Heaven, I am sure. She was an angel. Kept her tongue. Never a bad word about anyone, let alone her grown kids or their significant others. If she had favoritism, we did not see it. I decided to be like her. I am grateful I had her as a role model as my mother was the exact opposite of her.
She did not hand out money, although we found out later, she had money. We still loved her to death.
I take on board what you are saying. However, when you haven't any good role models you do your best. My best I thought was to love and be there for my children. Especially when their Dad left. Their father and I came from very poor backgrounds and built our business up together. We were rewarded with great wealth, then upon divorce of course my husband syphoned money away. I therefore didn't get a great settlement. My kids were at private schools and were used to a certain way of life. I had stayed at home to bring them up and suddenly I had to go back into the workforce. I had a teenage daughter who hated me, a son who was depressed and needed coaxing every day to get out of bed and go to school with counselling he came out of it, and a younger daughter in and out of hospital. My Ex husband continued to pay for their private education, but hid most of his assets so money for us was tight. He rarely saw the children as he was too busy with his new life. This greatly affected the kids and I was very isolated as I have only one sister who I am not close to due to our childhood. I thank God for my friends, they were our lifeline. My Ex husband I realise now was very posessive (I thought that was love) and didn't allow me to go to work when we were together, he also didn't like me socialising unless it was during the day. We were together from aged 16 - 36. I tried my best to keep the kids grounded, but when he did turn up he would give them expensive presents. All they wanted was his time but he wouldn't give this. So I made myself the sole giver of love, time and attention. I know I over did this and over compensated to make up for their loss. They were my world. Now that they have all gone, it has taken me time to get used to being myself again. I am actually looking forward to it, and am hopeful that my husbands business will pick up again. Our goal is to sell my house, pay off the mortgage and down size. Travelling is on the cards as my old school friend has been living in Austin, Texas for the last 20 years and we intend on driving across America before it is too late and we get old and unwell! I know that I have given my children the best of me, and it is my turn very soon. Both my husband and I are natural nurturers and give too much of ourselves, this we are guilty of. We both want/need to change but it will be a hard process. We have both made many mistakes, as all parents do. The test now is to learn from them and make the change. Easier said than done, I'm sure. I hope it isn't too late. My mind and body are so dog tired at the moment, but I do have some hope reading everyones stories on this forum. I thank you for listening. I hope you understand my situation better. With regards to my husbands sister, my husband promised his mum on her death bed that he would look after her as she "Isn't all there". He was a 15 year old boy who helped nurse his Mum when she was bedridden as his Dad worked nights. His sister although older, couldn't wouldn't help. This has made him a very kind, thoughtful and nurturing man. He is six foot 3 and a big strong man, with a great sense of humour and a calm demeanour. He is a very special person who came into my life when I was used to a Selfish, callous, cold businessman - my ex husband. He gave me love and kindness and my children too when we needed it. I divorced 16 years ago and met my husband 12 years ago. We only got married 3 years ago, as we wanted all 5 of our kids to grow up and not feel pushed out. They all joined in the wedding and were very happy for us. The 5 of them are very close, 3 are mine 2 are his. They tell people that they are brothers and sisters and dont even mention the step. I think this is a credit to us, as we took our time and never favour one above another. I think we have done some things right. I hope this isn't too long winded for you all! Thanks again.
By the way MidwestMom your Mother In law sounds just like my Maternal Grandmother who brought me up from 3-7 years. I stayed close with her until she passed away in 1998, even though she lived in Greece and I in England. She had the same attitude as your Mother in law. She was my Mums mum! Totally different people, my mother was like my Grandfather an abusive, violent alcoholic. She lived long enough to meet all three of my children when they were aged 8, 6 and 2. My eldest daughter remembers her too and idolises her even today. That's probably because she has Borderline (BPD) and my Grandmother is in the "Good" pile and not the "Bad" which I am! That's quite funny really. Your Mother in law was a very wise lady.
My Borderline (BPD) Daughter texts or calls me every morning now around 7am with trivial questions, usually about my Grand daughters health. I.e. She has a temperature, has diahorrea or won't eat what shall I do? This is because I am not calling or texting her at all now. Have decided as advised to detach myself. She is now chasing me! Trying to suck me in no doubt. I don't answer her calls or texts straight away I wait till at least 9am. She is using her sweet voice again, so is obviously going through a peaceful phase at the moment. It always makes me hopeful that she may be ok with me again, but am too scared to have proper contact. Aaargh!
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Sometimes when you back off, they do chase after you. That doesn't mean she will be stable if you indulge her. She doesn't know how. I think short answers are good.
"Call the doctor." "Just do your best." Stuff like that.
Borderlines do not have the ability or will to change without intensive, focused therapy that THEY initiate. Don't be fooled again and all that stuff...lol. I would read "Child of Mine's" post "What Does It Take to do Nothing?" It's outlandishly wise and very good.
"Call the doctor." "Just do your best." Stuff like that.
Borderlines do not have the ability or will to change without intensive, focused therapy that THEY initiate. Don't be fooled again and all that stuff...lol. I would read "Child of Mine's" post "What Does It Take to do Nothing?" It's outlandishly wise and very good.
