"Stuff" hit the fan

[LauraH]

My son was doing so well and then he relapsed and lost his job, not sure in which order, and has been spiraling downward ever since. He is in a relationship with what seems to be a great guy, although I haven't met him yet but we have talked. But he is at the end of his rope and having been there myself I can't blame him. He has been using off and on since right before Christmas and recently stopped taking his bipolar medications (or some of them, I'm not real clear on that). Over the last few days apparently things got completely out of control to where the boyfriend went to stay with friends to get away from the madness. My son texted him repeatedly yesterday bragging about cheating on him and telling him that he was in the process of trashing his house. I had a three way call with the boyfriend and my son's sponsor, and eventually the boyfriend decided to call the police and have them meet him at his house*, because he was afraid to go there by himself. I'm not 100% what transpired but my son was taken to a hospital by ambulance. I don't know where it goes from there. I don't know Illinois law so not sure if they could discharge him after a couple of days once they get him stabilized. But I feel like he needs ongoing psychiatric help and I know he won't pursue it voluntarily once he is out of the hospital.

His sponsor said he has stopped going to meetings or anything else he had been doing towards recovery. And now if he's off his medications I fear he is a ticking time bomb. The boyfriend said he can't stay with him any longer and I completely agree. He did not sign on for this and he does not deserve it any more than I deserved it when my son was living with me. But on the other side of the coin I can visualize him living on the streets in the freezing Chicago weather because he has nowhere to go. He doesn't even have a car he could live in. I don't know what kind of homeless shelters are available or their requirements, or even if they are taking people in right now because of COVID.

My son's life is not sustainable. A few months of sobriety, employment, and treatment for his bipolar followed by even more months of drug use, off his medications, and homelessness or staying where he can when he can with friends (which from what I see outside of the boyfriend and sponsor his only friends are users and dealers).

The good thing for me selfishly is that I am not there in the middle of it. But when the boyfriend tells me things my son has said or did, I know it's true because it's the exact same behavior I have witnessed first-hand. Right now I am actually more concerned about the boyfriend than my son. He loves my son but he is at the breaking point. I don't know if he has it in him to try and make the relationship work or if he is ready to jump ship. I told him to do what he needs to do for his own sanity and wellbeing and I would support his decisions regardless. For the moment he is not ready to make any permanent decisions. He is shellshocked after yesterday's rampage and needs to regroup and recharge before making a huge decision about his relationship with my son. Going through this virtually alone myself, I am glad that I can be there for the boyfriend. Of course I am there for my son as well, but I am currently "the enemy" because I have been talking to the boyfriend "conspiring against him".

 

[Copabanana]

Dear Laura

I am sorry this is happening. I understand your worry as I have been in a similar place.

Your son is ill. You know that. Anything he does or says is fueled by this illness and by the drugs he uses. The boyfriend is a victim of a crime. While the boyfriend may not have filed charges, I believe your son committed a felony crime by trashing the apartment.. Right now you are a spectator in an unfolding self-destructive spiral that has become outwardly destructive.

Over and over your son has left treatment, resumed drug use, or stopped medication. I am wondering how you or any of us can be there for our children in these circumstances, at least without great cost. I can imagine how it feels to hear the voice of the boyfriend whose apartment has been destroyed, telling you that your son has bragged about betraying his confidence by cheating.

At the end of the day, we are worth protecting. Your well-being and state of mind are important. You are not less important than your son. Just as I am as important as my son.

Eventually, I have to make the choice for myself. To make distance. To not be involved. To choose to not call. To remove support. To not take phone calls or read social media about my son. Eventually, I had to make a boundary. My son knows I love him. In his heart, he knows this. My belief is that there are resources available if people choose to want to help themselves. Past a point, parents can't do it for an adult child. That has been my own experience. For me it has been the right choice.

 

[newstart]

My son was doing so well and then he relapsed and lost his job, not sure in which order, and has been spiraling downward ever since. He is in a relationship with what seems to be a great guy, although I haven't met him yet but we have talked. But he is at the end of his rope and having been there myself I can't blame him. He has been using off and on since right before Christmas and recently stopped taking his bipolar medications (or some of them, I'm not real clear on that). Over the last few days apparently things got completely out of control to where the boyfriend went to stay with friends to get away from the madness. My son texted him repeatedly yesterday bragging about cheating on him and telling him that he was in the process of trashing his house. I had a three way call with the boyfriend and my son's sponsor, and eventually the boyfriend decided to call the police and have them meet him at his house*, because he was afraid to go there by himself. I'm not 100% what transpired but my son was taken to a hospital by ambulance. I don't know where it goes from there. I don't know Illinois law so not sure if they could discharge him after a couple of days once they get him stabilized. But I feel like he needs ongoing psychiatric help and I know he won't pursue it voluntarily once he is out of the hospital.

His sponsor said he has stopped going to meetings or anything else he had been doing towards recovery. And now if he's off his medications I fear he is a ticking time bomb. The boyfriend said he can't stay with him any longer and I completely agree. He did not sign on for this and he does not deserve it any more than I deserved it when my son was living with me. But on the other side of the coin I can visualize him living on the streets in the freezing Chicago weather because he has nowhere to go. He doesn't even have a car he could live in. I don't know what kind of homeless shelters are available or their requirements, or even if they are taking people in right now because of COVID.

My son's life is not sustainable. A few months of sobriety, employment, and treatment for his bipolar followed by even more months of drug use, off his medications, and homelessness or staying where he can when he can with friends (which from what I see outside of the boyfriend and sponsor his only friends are users and dealers).

The good thing for me selfishly is that I am not there in the middle of it. But when the boyfriend tells me things my son has said or did, I know it's true because it's the exact same behavior I have witnessed first-hand. Right now I am actually more concerned about the boyfriend than my son. He loves my son but he is at the breaking point. I don't know if he has it in him to try and make the relationship work or if he is ready to jump ship. I told him to do what he needs to do for his own sanity and wellbeing and I would support his decisions regardless. For the moment he is not ready to make any permanent decisions. He is shellshocked after yesterday's rampage and needs to regroup and recharge before making a huge decision about his relationship with my son. Going through this virtually alone myself, I am glad that I can be there for the boyfriend. Of course I am there for my son as well, but I am currently "the enemy" because I have been talking to the boyfriend "conspiring against him".

LauraH, I have followed your posts for a while and was so happy when things looked better for your son, I am so sorry that things have taken an off turn but I pray that soon he will gather himself and get back on track. Sometimes it looks and sounds so horrible that we can't believe what is going on yet our children find a way to make it ok again. I am glad you are there for your son's boyfriend, being on the receiving end of horrible behavior can cause a person to think about suicide . I too would comfort my daughter's boyfriends because I know the damage her behavior can cause. There were many times I was more concerned with my daughter's boyfriends then with her, so I understand where you are coming from, you are not siding against him, you are siding against his wrongdoing and hurting innocent people, you are on the RIGHT side. I cannot side with my daughter when she leaves such a trail of destruction. I am sure if your son gets cold enough he will find a warm place to stay. I am so sorry for all the worry and grief you are experiencing. I just prayed a prayer of peace for you, a deep peace.

 

[LauraH]

It's really bad now. He's in a hospital but doesn't know where he is. He thinks he's about to go to prison for something that supposedly happened four years ago (which I have my doubts because he was in a meth-induced psychotic delusional state at the time and if he did what he said he did it would not have taken the law four years to find and arrest him). He won't give the hospital staff permission to discuss his case with me so my hands are tied. I'm thinking of flying out to Chicago to see if there is anyone I can talk to about the chances of getting him involuntarily committed. somewhere for more than just a few days stabilization period. And I am extremely leery of flying right now because of COVID. If he does get arrested (which would likely be for trashing the boyfriend's apartment) I might even go to court (virtually or in person) to see if I or someone in Chicago could advocate for court-ordered mental health at a facility and/or as condition of probation. Sadly if he is charged this would be his first encounter with the law since he got off juvenile probation in 2008. I thought I had seen it all but much of this is new to me. And it's the first time he's been in a hospital or rehab where he did not give the staff consent to talk to me.

On a good note, I am in contact with the boyfriend and with my son's sponsor, who seems to genuinely care for my son, so I have contacts of support for him and myself that I did not have when he was in Chicago the last time. And we all speak together, the three of us, so we are all on the same page. Last night when we were talking, we realized that my son had told each of us completely different stories. He can't do that now and I don't think he likes that. He did the same thing as a kid. He would tell his therapist one thing, his juvenile probation officer something else, and me something else completely different. And then there's my husband. I broke down after I got off the phone with my son's sponsor and he just held me and let me cry it all out. I truly thank God for this man every day of my life with him.

 

[LauraH]

Thank you both for the kind words and prayers. I feel much stronger dealing with this this time than I did 3 - 4 years ago because I have greater support, greater faith, and stronger boundaries that I have so far been able to hold firm with. I wish my nar-anon group were meeting but it is on hiatus because of COVID. I am trying to find an online meeting that the boyfriend I could attend together, because I think he could really benefit from it. He's never been through this before and he is as shellshocked as I was the first night I found this group and poured my heart out here. Whether he wants to try to salvage the relationship, and he says he loves my son with all his heart, or decides he has to break it off for his own sanity, nar-anon will help and I told him even if breaks it off with my son I will still be there for him, because he absolutely did not sign up for any of this.

 

[overcome mom]

The only way he can be involuntarily committed for more than 72 hours is if he is a danger to himself or others. Very rarely do they consider drug usage as a danger to himself. It usually has to be that he is saying that he wants to kill himself. They will also keep him if he is not in touch with reality; not orientated to person, place or time. I doubt that they will charge him unless his boyfriend is saying he wants to press charges. Did they charge him with anything when they took him to the hospital ? You should be able to see this online. Judici.com Good luck with it all and keep us posted

 

[LauraH]

The only way he can be involuntarily committed for more than 72 hours is if he is a danger to himself or others. Very rarely do they consider drug usage as a danger to himself. It usually has to be that he is saying that he wants to kill himself. They will also keep him if he is not in touch with reality; not orientated to person, place or time. I doubt that they will charge him unless his boyfriend is saying he wants to press charges. Did they charge him with anything when they took him to the hospital ? You should be able to see this online. Judici.com Good luck with it all and keep us posted

I don't know how to share pictures or even if it would be appropriate but he totally trashed his partner's apartment, ever single room. Every piece of furniture was upended, things thrown all over the place, things broken or shredded to pieces, holes in the wall, broken windows. Place looks like a war zone. don't know if that would be enough for him to be considered a danger or not.

 

[Copabanana]

Based on what you write, I would think this might be considered to be a danger to others. The thing is I see you as powerless in this. The staff at the hospital will make a determination. They will have to go before a judge to extend the hold for another 3 days (at least that is how it is in my state.) At that hearing your son will also have the right to argue on his own behalf, to dispute the need for an extended hold. If the 2nd hold is granted, there is the possibility of an even longer one after that--in my state it is 2 weeks, I think. And it can be extended even longer incrementally, as necessary.

The thing is Laura, family members are no part of this. It is between the system and your son.

Many bipolar people take their medication. Your son chooses to self-medicate with drugs. This is an extremely distressful situation he's gotten himself into. My personal opinion is that he needs to face the consequences of what he has wrought. Maybe this way he will come to the understanding that he needs a program and sobriety.

In any event, I am so very sorry you are going through this. But I am so glad it's not at your front door, like before.

 

[LauraH]

But I am so glad it's not at your front door, like before.

Yes that is a godsend. I wish I could be there though, for my son or at least for the chance to advocate on his behalf, but actually for the partner. I've had 31 years of this so I know what to expect and have learned with time how best to deal with it. This is completely new for the partner and he is beside himself. If I were there I would be at his house helping him clean up the wreckage my son wrought yesterday. No one deserves that. I keep emphasizing that he shouldn't take it personally because it's the drugs talking and acting, not my son. My heart is aching for him because I have been in the same shoes.

 

[BusynMember1]

I also feel terrible but don't believe he will be seen as a risk to himself or others. I think he has to be a risk at that moment. I would not go there. Stay off planes and be safe in my opinion. He is too old for you to have any input into his treatment. The doctors only can keep or discharge an adult. They probably won't discuss him with you. It is usually a 72 hour hold and the name of an outpatient facility for aftercare which is up to him to contact.

Meth is very nasty but it can be defeated. It is up to your son. And it breaks our hearts to the core. But do nurture the one person you can....yourself

Love and hugs. Prayers too.

 

[LauraH]

Update: My son sounds good and a little less delusional every day, though some of his delusions persist. I have decided to take a back seat in this and be a cheerleader for him and a sounding board for his partner. My heart breaks for that poor man. As of now he has agreed to go to rehab when he is discharged, and his partner has laid some strict boundaries down regarding him coming back into his house. He may file criminal charges, depending on the extent of the damage once he has cleaned his apartment and assessed everything. That remains to be seen. But he is not welcome at his partner's home until he has completed rehab and stayed at a sober living or halfway house and also must agree...and follow through...with ongoing outpatient therapy. This is all unchartered territory for the partner and I am proud of the way he is handling the situation. He's not ready to throw their relationship away but at the same time it cannot resume after only three days of psychiatric stabilization and nothing to prevent it from happening again. He has been at my son's side through a lot of chaos caused by his psycho ex and I believe this relationship may have a chance to rebuild and survive. But if it doesn't, my son has only himself to blame. Right now he's fragile and getting the kid glove treatment, so to speak, but as soon as he is stable and nondelusional he must and will be held accountable for the devastation he has caused. What form that accountability will take is anybody's guess at this point. But that's mostly between my son and his partner. And like last time, my son absolutely has to own all of this, but I place a significant amount of blame on the shoulders of the ex as well. I don't know if mentioned this already, but right before Christmas there was a package left at their door that contained a small amount of meth and a pipe. The Ring video showed someone walking up, setting the package down, and walking away. He was wearing a jacket with the Amazon logo on it but it was clearly a fake and you could tell that the lettering was taped to the jacket, not embossed or printed. For anyone who knows him, it is clearly the ex but he was concealed enough that it couldn't be proven in a court of law. I know that that small amount of meth was what got the ball rolling to this point. I hope I never see the ex face to face, because I might just end up in prison. (I doubt I would ever see him and I doubt I would do anything that would land me in prison, but as angry as I am with him, there is no guarantee of that)

 

[overcome mom]

So glad to hear that he is doing better and has agreed to go to rehab. His partner sounds like a good guy, the polar opposite of his ex. What sick person would do what he did?

 

[Deni D]

Laura ~ Sorry to hear all of this about your son. I hope he does go to and stay at the rehab. He seems to have some really good people in his corner, says a lot about him.

 

[JMom]

Laura,

I am glad to see that you are taking a backseat and acting as an advocate for all involved. Seems you are an empathetic, loving person. It is hard to not get overly involved, a lot of us have been there. I think you are doing great. Make sure you are taking care of you in all of this. Sounds like the boyfriend and sponsor are holding down the fort. Kick your feet up and enjoy the calm spaces.
love,
JMOM