Teen ran away (again) ... should I call police?

[JJJ]

Can you revisit custody? Can she stay with biomom during the week and with you and husband on the weekends? husband can take her to dinner on Wednesdays so he sees more of her and she won't be unsupervised around the younger children.

If you can find an adult sitter, maybe that would work??? Or maybe somewhere that the younger two can go after school until you get off from work???

 

[susiestar]

I am sorry you have to deal with all this. It really hoovers.

I understand your feeling torn about how to handle it. It isn't much different when they are all your biological kids.

I have wondered many times how people with kids the ages of yours manage to have them at home all summer and still work. What about signing the kids up for full days of volunteering at the animal shelter or domestic violence shelter or the library? You could have each one alternate days of volunteering so one is home with the 11yo and the other is volunteering.

Or make daughter get a job. At 16 she is more than capable of working. I had my first job at 14 and was working 6 days a week by age 16. I still kept my grades up enough to get academic scholarships. If she wants all that independence, let her get a job and pay for what she wants.

Also switch things at home to "Do to get". If the child does what is expected, they get what is expected. If not, they get a sandwich they don't like for dinner, along with lima beans or whatever veggie is hated (I am NOT kidding - purposely stock up food difficult child will HATE and then insist that it is ALL she can have at dinner when she wants pizza or whatever the rest of the family is eating.

It won't hurt the other kids to do this also.

If difficult child is running away, doing drugs, etc... then she loses everything but a few hated outfits, a mattress, maybe a box spring under it, and maybe a lamp. Keep books you want her to read in there, maybe. No stereo to play music on, no door to slam, no headphones and mp3 player to tune you out, NOTHING. ALL her little trinkets and stuffed animals, etc... even her makeup. GONE.

Get rid of it. If she wants it she has to do what you want in order to earn it back. Or to earn ANYTHING besides what is in her room.

It sounds mean. But it is not nearly as mean as the streets would be. That is where she is headed. It is a dose of reality, a much needed one for most teens.

There is something called Reality 411 that my mom told me about. They are going to do it with Wiz just before his 18th birthday. It shows teens how much it costs to live on their own, with the stuff tehy want to have. It shows how much they would have to work to earn that money. This might be a useful thing for her.

Don't let it destroy you or husband. If you need to see a doctor for some medications, do it. Make husband do it if he needs it. Same for seeing a therapist. One just for YOU, or for you and him together. Make sure your marriage doesn't get lost in the conflama. Without a stable home, founded on a stable marriage, you will end up all in trouble. No one wants that.

Lots of hugs and support. Hope I have not overwhelmed you with suggestions.

 

[myfirstandlast]

Bio-mom finally called yesterday, panicking because daughter-16's internet accounts (MySpace, etc.) were deleted or hacked.

daughter-16 still has a Facebook account active because she was taking quizzes at 4:30 a.m. today. *sigh*

Nothing seems to have changed. She claimed to have called to see if the plans were still to pick up daughter on Sunday evening.

She also said that daughter has been 'moody' and doesn't want to come back to our house because everyone 'hates' her.

No mention of any attempt on daughter's part to make contact with her father, much less to apologize for telling everyone he punched her.

As usual, no attempt by bio-mom to keep her from staying up all night or to block internet access ... if she's ever "grounded" it is only in effect at our house.

Still no plan in place for Sunday, other than to have the two younger kids stay over at grandma's for the night since we have no idea what will happen.

Hating life.

 

[standswithcourage]

Try to take one day at a time or even one moment at a time and dont think of the worst. I know you want to be prepared but do what you have to do to save yourself. Try to remember that you have a life too. I know it is hard but I am sure something will change soon. Keep the faith.

 

[myfirstandlast]

She came home that Sunday as expected.

Nothing has changed.

Same cycles of doing nothing, unless she wants something really bad, then acting the angel and doing whatever asked until she gets what it is she wants.

Still running around behind our backs. Still lying.

Nothing remotely like an apology.

Trying to get back with the first young man she ran off with, the 19 year old. Telling him she's pregnant with his baby. Finding this out from his mother, who knows they've been trying to sneak out to see each other. Probably successful because she's still sleeping all day, still has these "headaches" for no reason.

Telling friends that she's going to be moving back with her mom before school starts. Only know this because we still monitor the laptop (keylogger).

Calling boys (men) with her sister's cell phone after hours. She doesn't care if she's not allowed to do something; if she wants to, she does anyway.

Last Friday we get a call, she had gone with her mom for the weekend and on the way there, they stopped at a supermarket and she got busted trying to shoplift. Store didn't involve police, is handling it internally, and don't know what they are going to do for sure (had to send the incident report in to corporate, is what we're told).

Still all nice to me to my face, still argumentative with hubby when he says no to something, acts like the shoplifting bust was "no big deal" -- whether it is because it was a small item or because she's probably just getting yet another slap on the wrist.

Sick of this dancing-around-the-problem we always seem to be stuck in. Even if we confront her on an issue, she denies it or blows up. She's supposed to be working off her debt but doesn't do anything unless she really wants something "now" and waits all day to do it.

Should I confront her about the pregnancy thing? I know she's had a period since the "negative" test at the doctor's office, or at least her mom said she started. I honestly think the pregnancy thing is a ploy to manipulate the ex-boyfriend, who she is saying will buy her a cell phone, even though we say she has to earn the money herself.

She has picked up job applications but hasn't turned anything in. Didn't know how to fill them out. Really can't work past the end of August due to school, has no transportation, and looking for a job with no qualifications in a state with 15% and rising unemployment. (Job search prospects dismal at best.)

Hubby does NOT want her going back to her mom's and I get WHY but honestly don't think that it is helping her to be here and I know it is harming us. :/

 

[Charmedpea]

Hi,

I havent read threw all the replies but here is my experiance with the police.

My daughter now has a probation office because of fighting, and couple of other charges.

When she would leave in the evening now mind you her curfew not set by me is 6pm during the week and 7pm on weekends. I would call the cops and they tell me all the time there is nothing they can do to call her po if she is not home by 2pm to call them back and they will file her as a runaway. She only disappeared once for 24 hours.

i was also instruct to go down to the family court house and file a unruly charge against her that is the only way to get her infront of the judge.

I did call her po, she had us come into her office and gave her 15 hours of community service if she doesnt serve that then we are going back infront of the judge.

Her po also put us intouch with a program that is free if you dont have medicaid mst crisis intervention program they come to house 2 days a week avaible for us 24/7 will help us look for her if she disappears. We just started this so I dont have any feed back yet. She is not on drugs she has to do surprise drugs test for her po.

The police will do nothing unless the po put out a warrent for her arrest that is the only time the cops will do something for her disappearing. The time she didnt come home for 24 hours the cops found her brought her home she wouldnt get out of the cop car they told my husband to get her out of the car, she kicked him infront of the cops then they were able to take her away for domestic violence to jail for 3 days because it was a friday and she had to wait till monday for a hearing..

They are really no help what so ever. I have called them every time she gets out of controll and even thought they do nothing its a saftey net for us because they record every call they get.

 

[myfirstandlast]

Bad turned to worse.

I kicked her out today.

I left the house for 20 minutes and came home to the police. DS-14 was just home from his grandparents where he'd been for a week, and daughter-11 was home for a day between camping trips, so I took the day off to be with them.

Like I said earlier, chores were not getting done, so I went out to mow. My son shows up outside crying and holding his side. He said daughter-16 punched him. I said to myself, I'm done.

After the police talked to all three of them, I was told that daughter-16 provoked him for no reason and he snapped and went after her, and since he admitted to hitting her also, they were "mutually combative" so there was nothing for the police to do really, left it for the parents to sort out. Hubby got home from work as the police were leaving and got the short story. Came to talk to me and I said, "You're not going to like this, but I want her out."

DS-14 is going to be starting counseling for his temper; I don't mean in any way to downplay his role by being the first to get physical, but he was not bothering the girls and was harassed on purpose for no reason. The officer gave him a stern lecture about juvy for domestic violence and I hope got through.

daughter-16 asked the officer if she could talk to him outside before he left, after he was done talking to them about their actions and behavior. I overheard part of it through the window, which was the same outrageous lies I've grown accustomed to ... I didn't hear her say that her dad punched her, not that she didn't but I didn't hear it ... but lied about all of us and said how she was really good until she was moved out here against her will (never mind that mom agreed to it) and how we're all so mean to her and she's been trying sooo hard to change ...

I pulled the officer aside after that and explained some of the things we've dealt with over the past few weeks and months, the drugs and sneaking out and running away and stealing and false claims and how she came to live with us BECAUSE she was mixed up with drugs and running away and failing school and physically assaulted her mother ... it just kills me to hear her lies after we have given and tried and been lied to and crapped on.

He said that she needs to get into the court system before they could do any more, and couldn't believe she hasn't been yet with all the problems with drugs in school and running away. I said she keeps getting a slap on the wrist, and I'm scared (for her) of what comes next. The last guy she ran off with was extremely unstable and she could have wound up in a ditch somewhere.

So, she got what she wanted. She was spiraling downhill fast here, nothing we did was helping, and it was tearing us apart ... I just hope that my husband will forgive me for giving up.

 

[Charmedpea]

Hugges to you.

Hubby said once out of anger get out. We were told by police we cant do that because she was a minor and we could go to jail.

But if she left without premission, stayed out all night, or snuck out everytime we just called her po and filled an unruly charge against her.

She has not snuck out in 3 weeks at least that I know of. One time it was like in those tv commercials do you know where your child is. But this was no commercial this was a cop at my door sunday @ 4:30AM. Found her at a park in a car with-2 guys.. The cops told me that they were trying to find something to pin on the guys in the car but there was really nothing if i wanted to pursue it they would but nothing would happen and I would be wasting the courts and my time.
So i just keep reporting to the po. One of these days if she not going to fly right she will find her self behind bars.

The mst people told me also that her punishment has no meaning if I dont stick to it. Or its something that she cares about.

Huggs to you, keep your head up.

 

[myfirstandlast]

The update to this is that after she moved back with her mom, she returned to the same friends that were trouble before, missed a lot of school and failed most of her classes. She'd post photos of herself online, clearly under the influence of something, running around at all hours of the night, and then be "sick" the next day and not go to school. She was about to quit school, 10th grade. And then she wound up pregnant.

Switched over to the alternative ed school. Continued to miss a lot of class, barely passed to the next grade. In fact I don't understand how she passed, she missed class about a third of the time, but that's how they operate I guess.

Fortunately, it seems she was able to quit partying, although I really was worried she would continue, just more sneaky. Things didn't work out with the father. She has another boyfriend who seems to be a good influence. She had her baby last month. She's still living at home and her bio-mom is struggling. Baby daddy is not in the picture. She was supposed to go back to school today but I see she didn't. Don't know what's up there.

Our relationship has never been the same. She and her dad are okay though. Baby is big and healthy. Boyfriend seems to be a good kid.

Whether she stays away from drugs remains to be seen. She was supposed to be breastfeeding but isn't. Lots of excuses for why she's not... latest being she is on some medications from her doctor for a month and then she can breastfeed again... but she's not pumping... soooooo that pretty much makes no sense. That was the one thing I was hoping would keep her clean for a while longer.

Not attending school as we were told. Not even a half day total out of the past four days. I warned hubby that he will hear screaming when we stop paying support to her mother when she turns 18 if she's not in school. (Been paying support voluntarily since she moved back with her mom, there is no court order since we waived support when she moved in with us.)

She was hinting that she was needing money last time we saw her and the baby. Said she was out of diapers and needed more on the way home. Said she can't get on any assistance because it would reduce her mom's assistance. Looking for an apartment, but has no job. I'm afraid reality hasn't quite hit home yet.

 

[Jena]

hi,

I read thru most of your posts and responses. You wrote in beginning she was abused by her ex step father. What type of abuse? verbal, physical or sexual? All her actions seem to be one kid out of control due to what happened to her and i speak from experience on this one unfortunately.

Is she being brought to any type of therapy right now at all? not family therapy just for her?

 

[Jena]

i just read your last update. ok that's sad. i'm so sorry but have to say what a good person you are for sticking in it not running away and trying to help this kid.

 

[myfirstandlast]

hi,

You wrote in beginning she was abused by her ex step father. What type of abuse? verbal, physical or sexual?

Is she being brought to any type of therapy right now at all? not family therapy just for her?

Mostly verbal from what I understand. Possibly some physical, or at least may have witnessed that against her mom.

She's been hanging with the "partying" kids and I understand she was providing some of her painkillers to them, to crush and snort. So back in with the druggie crowd for sure. What a shame.

She runs out of diapers, formula, wipes, nursery water or something else every time she visits, every other weekend. She has assistance that pays for everything but diapers, so it sounds like ... bad planning? Her mom holds her assistance card so we have to buy whatever it is she runs out of. I gave her a case of diapers for Christmas. Merry reality.

When she's over, she sleeps in until noon. daughter-13 gets the baby when she wakes up and entertains him so daughter-17 can sleep ... and from the way she gets frustrated when she can't get him to stop crying, I think her mom intervenes and cares for him a lot of the time when she's at home.

Her school attendance has been very poor, missing from 12 to 20 days out of every 28 days. Grades, unsurprisingly, mostly failing. I understand she may have just begun counseling, and this week she's been in school each day. Hope whatever has changed "sticks."

 

[toughlovin]

I just read through this whole thread. What an ordeal you have all been through before. My reaction is this has a serious drug problem....and until she deals with that things probably won't get better. Our court system is definitely flawed but for some kids it is the only way they will get help. So if she does anything else that make you consider calling the police I would do it. I alsonwould not give her ANY money. If she needs diapers, give her diapers but don't give her cash. Also if you can find an Alanon meeting, especially a parents meeting go....and take your husband. This has been a huge help to me.