The difficulties of detachment

[wantpeace]

I was completely stressed out over my difficult child all week because of his court hearing. It was affecting every aspect of my life. I read Janet's post last night and woke up thinking more about it this morning. I even had a conversation about it with a friend. I felt weight lifted off my shoulders and was more relaxed today than I've been in awhile. I know some people probably took offense to Janet's message, but I needed to hear it at that exact moment. Driving ourselves crazy to help our difficult children when they're not open to helping themselves is likely a waste of time. I was thinking about the big trouble makers in high school (the "burnouts") and most of them are doing well now. I know the drugs kids are doing now are much more harmful, and I don't intend to ever accept any drug use. I just feel like this is consuming every once of my energy and killing my positive spirit. Life is too short, and I'd like to enjoy it for change.

Thanks for your perspective, Janet.

Hugs,
wantpeace

 

[DammitJanet]

I knew when I wrote this I was going to ruffle a few feathers and I didnt want to do that. However, just because a difficult child isnt doing drugs does not mean that they are in any way less of a dangerous situation. I had people threatening Cory's life several times from the time he was a young teen all the way up till really...he is still in a dangerous part of town. There are home invasions in the neighborhood he lives in now. When he was in 8th grade and was breaking into peoples houses not so much to steal stuff but to watch their TV's and eat food so we didnt catch him at home, we had several people threaten to shoot him if they caught him in their homes again. Shoot first and ask questions later. That was comforting especially when we begged them to just call the law on him. We had one man show up at our door with a loaded semi automatic pistol trying to beat down my front door and it was all I could do to keep him from pushing past me to get in my house because he was absolutely convinced Cory had broken into his shed and stole some of his tools two or three weeks before he came over. Couldnt have been Cory. Cory only came home from a group home 2 days before. The man wouldnt listen though and he was shoving that gun up under Cory's chin and threatening to blow his head off until Tony went in and got his shotgun out and held it to his head. Meanwhile Im on the phone to 911. I fully expected Cory to die before he was 25. Many of his friends did. I think he has the death announcements of 8 or 9 of his close friends. So if you think its only parents of substance abusing kids who have to worry about death and what their kids are doing, its not true. Other difficult child's are in just as big a risk. Heck, I worry daily about what could happen at any time to Jamie simply because of his job. First because he was a Marine and now the nutcases out there gunning for people on the deputy sheriff's dept.

 

[Nancy]

Janet for me it is not that non drug using difficult children may be involved in dangerous activities, it was the statement that we are too involved in our difficult children lives. That statement can be made about every member who comes to this board because that is what brought us here. Yes we have the watercooler forum to talk about non difficult child related things but let's face it most of the time we are talking about our difficult children. It does not mean we don't have other lives that don't revolve around our difficult children. It's just that our difficult children substance abuse is what we talk about here. I don't discuss all the non difficult child related activities or thoughts I have every day.

When you first came to this board many years ago it was because of your difficult children. Now many years later they have grown and left home and yes you worried about them in the marines or being a cop and that didn't mean you were too involved in their lives. Our difficult children are playing russian roulette every day, they are not just in a dangerous job, they are holding a gun to their heads and firing. We know the only two ways out of addiction are jail or death. Those are two awful options and it takes time for us to accept them. So it's hard to hear that we are too involved in their lives, even when we are struggling every day to detach and we know the outcome is very likely death.

The other thing I wanted to mention is that I am sure there are support boards for parents of servicemen and policemen where they talk about the fears they have for their children. That support is what brought them to that board. If they detached from them enough they would not need the board, right? So in essence the fact that we are here means we need the support to help us deal with this, and once we have detached most of us would probably stop posting. I can't imagine wanting to talk about drug use ten years from now when I no longer have contact with my difficult child because of her addiction.

Janet I never thought other parents whose children are involved in dangerous jobs did not have to worry. That has never crossed my mind or my lips and I would never tell a parent in that situation to stop worrying.

Nancy

 

[Kathy813]

Heck, I worry daily about what could happen at any time to Jamie simply because of his job.

Of course you are worried about Jamie since he is in a dangerous job. Does venting here mean that you are too involved in his life? Of course, not. All of us with children using drugs are worried about our children and coming here is a way to deal with that worry in a healthy way.

I don't think any of us obsess about our difficult child's 24/7. I teach full time, tutor 5 students a week, and teach two online classes. Believe me, I really have very little time left over to obsess about my difficult child. husband and I often go out to dinner with friends and go on vacations. I also spend time with my easy child and enjoy watching her become a successful adult.

difficult child is only one part of my life and I am sure that is true for the vast majority of us.

 

[CharlestonGal]

It's interesting, for years I have been counseling the family members and friends of drug users and alcoholics to detach themselves emotionally from the behavior of their child, spouse, relative, friend and I intellectually understood how difficult that is. I had imagined how I would feel if it were my husband, my sister, my child, my friend, but now that's it's me, I'm at a whole new level of understanding the depth of the personal devastation of watching a loved one's dreams, potential and aspirations go down the drain as they turn their back on healthy choices. It is incredibly painful and disappointing. I think part of the reason we become "overinvolved" is because WE want to stop hurting. We want to stop feeling disappointed and sad and scared. And we think the only way we can stop hurting is to stop the behavior of our loved one who is causing the hurt. So really, not only do we love and want to protect our child from their own folly we also want to stop our own hurting.

We can move to a personal place beyond hurt even if our child continues to self-destruct, and we can heal ourselves independent of what our child does or does not do. I think we all understand that concept on some level, if only intellectually. The execution is very difficult, however. Our child is literally part of us and we feel their pain almost as if it's our own. If we're lucky enough to have a easy child child, there is no danger in being close to them, identifying with them, sharing our lives with them, being "overinvolved". It is when our child is behaving in ways that hurt not only themselves, but us as well, that being "overinvolved" causes us pain. It is not painful at all to be overinvolved or close with a easy child and I think it's somewhat natural to be attached to your children. Asking people to detach is what does not come naturally, particularly when trying to detach from a child who's in trouble. It would be so much easier to detach from a easy child, nudge them gently from the nest, and smile with pride as they fly away. That is not at all true with a difficult child. There is no pride in watching them fly away; there is only the paralyzing fear and realization that the little chick is not prepared to fly, much less soar. Nudging them out, and watching them crash painfully to the ground is a profoundly difficult thing to do.

 

[Signorina]

I don't think any of us are over involved. And I don't think it needs to be a contest over whose kid is at most risk or whose child has lost the most or even which parent has done too much or not enough.

We're here because we care about or kids and we are worried about them. And we see the freight train barreling at them and they won't hear the horn. We're here because our kids aren't making a conscientious decision to put themselves in harm's way-they are checking out of life, out of their loving families with no thought to AND NO CONCEPT OF the price they will pay. We're here because treatment is our best shot and brightest hope and has a myriad of choices and even the best treatments have a high failure rate.

This is my box. I don't wear a sign around my neck that says I am the mom of a burnout and I am missing my boy. I don't call him when my heart is breaking. I spend 23 hours a day living my life, working my job, parenting my younger boys, being a friend, a mother and a partner and lover.

When I am here, I'm here because it's supposed to be a judgment-free, SOFT place to land. I know there are parents on other boards who don't get it-that's why I am on this board. To be with parents of addicts who DO UNDERSTAND how I feel and don't judge me as a bad mom because my kid is a loser who is stoned all the time.

 

[Calamity Jane]

Every one of the parents here on this board, no matter the forum, share heart-rending troubles, concerns, enounters, etc. We're all each other's sisters and brothers in a way, one big, dysfunctional family lol. Similarly, brothers and sisters in any loving, big family may not share the same opinions on alll subjects, and how to slog thru them, but we all accept each other's perspectives - we're not cookie cutter replicas of each other - we're unique, yet cohesive, Know what I mean?? I've not really had the impression that anyone here is looking to select their own experience as a "one size fits all" theory. We should always feel comfortable saying our piece in a respectful, gracious way, and thank goodness, we can certainly do that here.

 

[DDD]

CG I appreciate the thoughtfulness of your post and, of course, I have been there done that with the most loved easy child morphing into something entirely unexpected. It's still painful and it has been ten years. Sigh.

on the other hand, as much as we all support detachment I think you are too new to this family s.a. road to utilize or attempt to utilize full detachment mode. Although I really truly don't envy you. you are still in a place of hope. Protecting yourself is important but she is so young and so new to the difficult child road that I encourage you to explore every option that "could" help reverse this course. It can happen. It has happened. It is more likely to happen if you can maintain the bond and your emotional equilibrium.

Many of us have spent most of our savings exploring programs, new interests etc. A few have had success. My only success has been that I have been able to keep the one on one loving bond. Yep, he used alot of drugs, he became an alcoholic, he was arrested and in the local jail. All those things I never ever anticipated to be part of my life. Yet he "owns" his choices and his consequences and tells counelors as well as bad fanny friends "My Mama is the most important person in my life...with-o her I'd probably be in prison."

Guess what I'm trying to say is protect your emotions but try to remember who she really is and by your actions let her know you believe she'll be OK again. Sorry, a bit rambling, but sincere. DDD

 

[toughlovin]

I agree Janet we all worry about our difficult children and what might happen to them. I totally recognize that. I will always worry more about my difficult child than my easy child because he has a habit of making bad and dangerous choices. If he ever does get his life together then I am sure his career will involve danger of some kind because he loves risk and danger. That is who he is, so no matter how together he is I will worry about what could happen to him. I can accept that in a way... but at least if he is sober and overall doing well he has a better chance of surviving. The drug use adds a whole other layer of worry.... and wondering if he will end up ODing or in a gutter somewhere. I am not even worried about jail anymore as I know I can live with that.

This past couple of days have been hard in the detachment department for me. I check his phone records to see if he is still alive. I had not seen anything on there since Saturday... nothing. I went off and had a nice couple of days with my easy child looking at colleges... I was determined not to let my worry about difficult child get in my way too much. We got home early (I have a very sick looking eye and needed to get back to see the doctor this afternoon). I checked the phone records and he got some texts early this morning but there was no response. It just left me feeling so worried... wondering if he has ID or is he lying dead somewhere and someone took his phone.

I was trying to decided what to do and finally made the logical decision to call him before I tried calling anyone else! So I called there was no answer.... but a few mintues later he did call me back. I am sure he was hoping that somehow I would rescue him and I very consiously did not. He has lost his cell charger so his phone is dying and he is keepign it off. I told him to keep in touch and let us know how he is doing, that we care about him and that was it. But at least I know he is still alive.....

The answer for us is detachement but it is so counter intuitive. I don't think any of us here is over involved.... but not all of us are detached because developing detachment is a process and a very difficult one at that. It is not a normal process in my opinion. My easy child is growing up, will go to college etc... she will move away and yet I am sure we will stay close but our relationship will change in a natural way... it is already changing in a natural way. She is getting more and more freedom like she should be.

But I am not going to be sending her to live on the street with no support from us at the age of 20 and that is what I am having to do with my difficult child. It does not feel natural or normal or anything... and yet I think it is necessary but oh so heartbreaking.

And I have to keep doing what I can for me and keep enjoying my life.

TL

 

[Nancy]

TL reading your post brings tears to me eyes. I can feel your fear when you see he is not answering texts or your call. The thought of him roaming the streets is unbearable, and yet you must. At least I know my difficult child has a roof over her head, no electricity or food but it is a roof. Remember when our kids were little and someone would be mean to them? We felt like they were being mean to us, becuse what happened to our children happened to us, we felt it, we worried about how they felt, we wanted to make it better, we wanted to protect them from that. And as they got older they learned how to protect themselves....at least our easy child's did. Our difficult child's got stuck and so we still feel everything they feel as if it is happening to us, and we have to clsoe our minds to those feelings, push them out, so that we can go on living and not completely fall apart.

You are so right about our easy child's. Nothing gives me more pleasure than to watch my easy child blossom into the wonderful young lady that she has become. I believe every parent wants to know their children will be OK, that they will be able to take care of themselves and be happy in life. I don't think most parents can rest until they feel that. I know I would hate to die feeling like I do about my difficult child's future.

I have been watching a pair of eagles raise their eaglets and the one thing I learned from them is that from very early on they try to teach their young to survive. If one of their eaglets does not fight for his/her share of the food or become assertive to fend off their siblings attacks, they are left to die, the parents stop feeding them. Even the eagles understand that their young needs to be self sufficient to survive and if they aren't they know that their life will be short. Sometimes I wish I could detach like the eagles and let nature take it's course but that's what makes humans different.

I am sorry that you are hurting so much, that all of us are hurting so much.

How was the college visits? Did you have any first impressions?

Nancy

 

[DammitJanet]

Obviously the meaning in my post was completely missed and for that I am truly sorry. I must not have worded it well and that is entirely possible simply because I have issues with wording things now. I am not as good with wording things as some of the members on the board. I think if I could actually speak to someone in person you would understand what I was trying to say. Unfortunately that isnt possible.

 

[toughlovin]

The college visits were good.... mostly they were kind of exploratory trying to figure out what kind of college she wants... so it gave us some good food for thought. My easy child is so open to everything she will do fine wherever she goes....and it makes it hard for her to narrow things down but we can't possibly go look at every college in the US for her to decide... we need to narrow her choices!! LOL.

And I know what you mean about not wanting to die until we know our kids are ok. I remember when my mom died, she told me she was at peace because although she would miss watching her grandchildren grow up she knew that both her kids were happy and doing well...... and that gave her peace. I guess it is lucky that difficult children substance abuse problems didn't really start until after that...because she would have worried about him I am sure.

Janet - I think I did understand what you were saying... I was just trying to express the extra layer substance abuse adds to all of our worries. My difficult child will probably always be a difficult child, that is who he is, but the SA adds a whole other level of problems.

TL

 

[Nancy]

TL that's the reason why I don't even tell my dad anymore what's going on with difficult child. He thinks she is still in recovery and doing well. He's 92 and I want him to think his kids and grandkids are all doing ok. I don't know why I care so much, he hasn't been the nicest person or won any best dad awards but I think about the end and don't want that on his mind.

College choice is difficult, especially if she is so willing to explore everything lol. Does she know what she wants to study? I'm glad you had a nice time.

Nancy

 

[rejectedmom]

TL, I remember taking those trips with my easy child it was so much fun and so very exciting. Enjoy this time it is precious. -RM