One other thought, a thought, not a judgment. If I were going away for 5 years, and knowing that I was not going to see my child for 5 years, I'd be with that child 24/7. I'd have a camera on me taking hundreds of pictures, flying kites, making sand castles, fishing, etc, etc, wouldn't matter what, I'd be cramming memories in the child's head. I can tell you that before my open heart surgery my kids were desperate to get rid of me.
The Insanity Continues...
- Thread starter Toomanytears
- Start date
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Thats the point. Smithsmom, you are an amazing involved mom who never deserts her kids. The love you have for your boys just melts off the page.
Grandma wants Grandson to be close to Dad but Dad is doing nothing to be close to his son. Wow, he left for Christmas and knows he will be in jail a long time. That is HIS lack of caring.
Its sad Dad needs pushing to be with his son and then he failed to do it. He left.
Son is no functional father. As an adoptive Mom, I guarantee you that a father has to do a lot more hard work than deliver the sperm. That is easy.
i am not judging lovely Grandma. But son? Yes, I am. I am saying he is making no effort ti be close to this little boy at all and he will now be away from him for years. I judge that father isnt all that interested in his son. Its not judging him as BAD. Im judging him as an indifferent father. Its a fact, not an emotion.
I dont know if this will ever change.
Grandma wants Grandson to be close to Dad but Dad is doing nothing to be close to his son. Wow, he left for Christmas and knows he will be in jail a long time. That is HIS lack of caring.
Its sad Dad needs pushing to be with his son and then he failed to do it. He left.
Son is no functional father. As an adoptive Mom, I guarantee you that a father has to do a lot more hard work than deliver the sperm. That is easy.
i am not judging lovely Grandma. But son? Yes, I am. I am saying he is making no effort ti be close to this little boy at all and he will now be away from him for years. I judge that father isnt all that interested in his son. Its not judging him as BAD. Im judging him as an indifferent father. Its a fact, not an emotion.
I dont know if this will ever change.
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toughlovin
Well-Known Member
Oh I feel for you and all of this and all this drama. Yes you definitely need to take care of yourself and be there for your grandson. Having a son who has skipped town on probation and done similar things (although not with the kind of time to serve as your son has) my guess is your son is either looking to have some good times with the freedom he has left or he does not plan to show up for his sentancing.
So be prepared for whatever and take care of you and grandson. This is not on you at all.
So be prepared for whatever and take care of you and grandson. This is not on you at all.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
I think differently than some of you. Son is in torment and feels himself to be walking the plank and cannot bear to be saying goodbye to his son. He knows his responsibility. He knows his guilt. He's not the only person alive who seeks to run from that which is extraordinarily painful. I am not justifying what he does. But I understand it.
I agree with the others. I do not think it is helpful to judge. Help with boundaries and self-preservation, yes. But the world is not black and white. It is messy. We do the best we can.
I agree with the others. I do not think it is helpful to judge. Help with boundaries and self-preservation, yes. But the world is not black and white. It is messy. We do the best we can.
Copa, I agree that it's horribly difficult to face saying good bye to any family. Like I said, I did face this myself in a more difficult situation. Again, no judgments. But I do feel its the parent's responsibility to make it easier on the child. We don't tell the child more than they need to know. But as parents I think we should bury our own feelings and do what is best for the child. What is best is a matter of opinion of course. My opinion is that when an 8 year old (mine were 3, 6 and 8 when I had surgery) may not see his father again until he is 13 or 18 that time spent/ creating common interests/ memories, is important. My opinion is also that when a single person with children, such as myself, has satisfied their other obligations (my career and extended family), their focus should be on their children. In my case at the time I had to fill a freezer, make sure that bills were paid for months in advance, schedules and child care set for months in advance, birthday gifts for son and coming kids parties, etc, etc. It was a lot. But as a parent I wanted my kids' lives to continue as close to normal as possible. My belief was that I would survive and be non-functional for 6 to 8 weeks. Worked out to be a bit longer and coverage less reliable than promised. Was torture actually. I was 41.
Again, this is me. I don't know anyone else's situation. I'm just thinking about what I would do facing prison time. And its my 21st open heart anniversary in 2 weeks so its on my mind this time of year. I scheduled my surgery for Dec 29 so I could spend xmas with the family and kids... making those memories.
Again, this is me. I don't know anyone else's situation. I'm just thinking about what I would do facing prison time. And its my 21st open heart anniversary in 2 weeks so its on my mind this time of year. I scheduled my surgery for Dec 29 so I could spend xmas with the family and kids... making those memories.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Well ....i am not perfect but am not quitting the boards.
This is not about you Copa
This is not about you Copa
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DoneDad
Well-Known Member
Back to the OP, seems you can’t control what a 36 year old man does or doesn’t do. Where you can make a difference is with your grandson - which it sounds like you are doing! Keep your focus there. And keep yourselves sane and healthy!
As far as worrying about your son’s court appearance, let him worry about it. It’s his responsibility, not yours.
As far as worrying about your son’s court appearance, let him worry about it. It’s his responsibility, not yours.
Toomanytears
Active Member
I have read all the previous posts. I don’t know if I’m just exhausted or just a novice re: the dynamics of these boards, but my hope is that I have not created any contention among the supporters here.
You ALL have contributed useful information and guidance. I have not felt judged by any means - exactly the opposite. I feel like I’ve been called out of my denial.. like “how dare they know what I’m feeling into the depths of my soul.”
Yes. My son is and has been absent. Yes, there was a time he was a GREAT father. Active in his activities, school functions, homework, chores, bedtime reading & prayers. He is not this person any more. His relapse/crime has stolen it all away. His marriage, home, friends, family, completing college, employment, and his son. He is “walking the plank” and fighting depression. But he also had the past year to make meaningful changes and has not.
Please, please continue your contributions. They are ALL so meaningful and have given me more strength than you will ever truly understand. Thank you and I will sign off this topic now.... (( Big Hugs)) to you all.
You ALL have contributed useful information and guidance. I have not felt judged by any means - exactly the opposite. I feel like I’ve been called out of my denial.. like “how dare they know what I’m feeling into the depths of my soul.”
Yes. My son is and has been absent. Yes, there was a time he was a GREAT father. Active in his activities, school functions, homework, chores, bedtime reading & prayers. He is not this person any more. His relapse/crime has stolen it all away. His marriage, home, friends, family, completing college, employment, and his son. He is “walking the plank” and fighting depression. But he also had the past year to make meaningful changes and has not.
Please, please continue your contributions. They are ALL so meaningful and have given me more strength than you will ever truly understand. Thank you and I will sign off this topic now.... (( Big Hugs)) to you all.
Triedntrue
Well-Known Member
This is a very hot topic for many of us on an emotinal level. We can all say what we want about what her son should do in our opinions. We all have excellent reasons to believe as we do but neither we nor her can control her sons actions. Our job is to offer suggestions to support her in a difficult situation. I believe that each of us has valuable input but she needs to use that to make her own decisions . if members fight it is not helpful in my opinion.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Nobody caused any trouble here.
Ive been here over ten years. Once in a blue moon someone gets offended and in my opinion there was nothing to be offended for. We have always been good about telling our points of views and our differences give the poster different things to maybe think over. We can disagree
So what?
In the end it is up to the poster to do what she wants to do and thinks is right for her situation
The only reason."i* deleted my post was because I didnt want to cause contention,bit I dont think anything written here is contentious or was contentious. I should not have deleted my posts.
Please, all kerp giving your points of views. There is no way to please everyone all the time. This is a public forum and if we mean well, we are allowed to write what we believe without fearing that somebody wont like it. Or we shouldnt worry about it.
This is not the first time somebody got huffy and left the board. This is such a great forum. It is a loss for the few people who choose to leave.
Copa you are so valuable that if YOU dont stay I will send you a pleading PM You said nothing wrong and we love you here. You dont want me to grovel, do you? Its not pretty!
Ive been here over ten years. Once in a blue moon someone gets offended and in my opinion there was nothing to be offended for. We have always been good about telling our points of views and our differences give the poster different things to maybe think over. We can disagree
So what?
In the end it is up to the poster to do what she wants to do and thinks is right for her situation
The only reason."i* deleted my post was because I didnt want to cause contention,bit I dont think anything written here is contentious or was contentious. I should not have deleted my posts.
Please, all kerp giving your points of views. There is no way to please everyone all the time. This is a public forum and if we mean well, we are allowed to write what we believe without fearing that somebody wont like it. Or we shouldnt worry about it.
This is not the first time somebody got huffy and left the board. This is such a great forum. It is a loss for the few people who choose to leave.
Copa you are so valuable that if YOU dont stay I will send you a pleading PM
You said nothing wrong and we love you here. You dont want me to grovel, do you? Its not pretty!
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RN0441
100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
We are all so passionate about each other here and sometimes things may come out not exactly as we intended.
I know that no one means to judge.
I will add my two cents and say I'm so very sorry for what you are going through. I agree that I would not help your 36 year old son at all. Period. He left. He has to figure out how to get back. I'd probably tell him to hitch a ride. I would be angry. I think being angry is good in this situation. It helps.
My son just turned 23 and returned to our home after a 13 month faith based program. I fight NOT to do for him. It is VERY hard. I know that.
Sometimes we have to get the hell out of their way and let them figure it out. Figure it all out.
I think that your grandson is very lucky to have you!
I know that no one means to judge.
I will add my two cents and say I'm so very sorry for what you are going through. I agree that I would not help your 36 year old son at all. Period. He left. He has to figure out how to get back. I'd probably tell him to hitch a ride. I would be angry. I think being angry is good in this situation. It helps.
My son just turned 23 and returned to our home after a 13 month faith based program. I fight NOT to do for him. It is VERY hard. I know that.
Sometimes we have to get the hell out of their way and let them figure it out. Figure it all out.
I think that your grandson is very lucky to have you!
Tired out
Well-Known Member
I actually agree with all the different opinions. I don't think there is one right thing here.
If your 36 year old son has been a good dad in the past and now is drug clean he knows what a mess he has created. He is probably scared sh!!tless. about being in prison for who knows how long. The stuff that must be going through hi mind is probably terrifying. Should he be putting his son 1st. Of course , but still I feel for him. I wish he had woke up before it got to this point. I don't know much about sentencing. if he gets 5-10 does he really serve 5 years? Where we used to live it was 10% of the sentence if good behavior and parole board thought there was true change and remorse.
My 2 cents. I am saying prayers for you, your son and grandson. I am praying good comes out of all of it in the end and everyone comes out ok.
I can't say I am super religious. I do pray and do believe in supreme intervention.
May peace be with you.
If your 36 year old son has been a good dad in the past and now is drug clean he knows what a mess he has created. He is probably scared sh!!tless. about being in prison for who knows how long. The stuff that must be going through hi mind is probably terrifying. Should he be putting his son 1st. Of course , but still I feel for him. I wish he had woke up before it got to this point. I don't know much about sentencing. if he gets 5-10 does he really serve 5 years? Where we used to live it was 10% of the sentence if good behavior and parole board thought there was true change and remorse.
My 2 cents. I am saying prayers for you, your son and grandson. I am praying good comes out of all of it in the end and everyone comes out ok.
I can't say I am super religious. I do pray and do believe in supreme intervention.
May peace be with you.
Toomanytears
Active Member
Tired out.. thank you. I agree with you. I appreciate ALL of the input offered by the “team members” in this forum. As stated above, I draw strength from the different opinions and share them with my husband in the quiet hours of the evening.
I feel terrible that contention seemed to briefly show its ugly head over my story.
He will serve a minimum of 5 yrs. and then begin a parole hearing prior to the 5 yr date. If approved, he will be released at the 5 yrs minus any treatment time the courts may give him credit for while receiving treatment prior to his incarceration. If not approved for being a repeat offender, he will be reviewed every 6 months til the 10 yr mark. He has never had any disciplinary issues in the past.. in fact he has been exemplary. He does well in a very structured setting.
As of this am, we are waiting to see if he makes a flight this afternoon. He has business to take care of. Reviews of treatment centers to get credit for time, sign POA documents to manage finances of house and medical while away.
Yes, his thoughts are panic and realizing that manipulating can’t and won’t change a thing this time. We pray he faces it head on (this is his 3rd state incarceration but by far the longest sentence yet) ... and he doesn’t choose to do something incredibly sad or final.
Thank you again. (( Hugs))
Tired out
Well-Known Member
Even at 36 I am sure it is a lot of swallow. I hope he showed up today as planned.
Maybe the 5 years and being away from the female he has been seeing will be a good thing. I hope he makes good use of him time and can take classes and come back into society ready to live a good live and be a role model for his son.
Maybe the 5 years and being away from the female he has been seeing will be a good thing. I hope he makes good use of him time and can take classes and come back into society ready to live a good live and be a role model for his son.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
Please share an update toomany. Did he make the flight?
All of us care, here.
All of us care, here.
Toomanytears
Active Member
I’m sorry friends. I had posted a brief update on the forum ‘A Letter from an Addict to his family” a day or two ago.
As of this morning, still with girlfriend. His license ID we sent priority express mail (that required a signature) last Thursday can not be found at the Post Office. After reviewing reviews for this PO it appears this happens more frequently than not. Filed complaint with USPS - up to 72 hrs to resolve. Currently, no record of tracking #.
girlfriend is packing up her house and electric may be cut off today. This news was relayed from son to husband yesterday.
This ID is the ONLY way he can get back home ... ordered another just in case but can take up to 2 weeks. Mid January is “S” day for him, or a warrant is issued.
I feel myself pulling back from all human contact. I trust no one. I’m sad. I come across as a frown laden scowl faced b**ch. Will I everrr recover? This has changed me forever, I’m afraid.
Thanks for checking on me - ((Hugs))
As of this morning, still with girlfriend. His license ID we sent priority express mail (that required a signature) last Thursday can not be found at the Post Office. After reviewing reviews for this PO it appears this happens more frequently than not. Filed complaint with USPS - up to 72 hrs to resolve. Currently, no record of tracking #.
girlfriend is packing up her house and electric may be cut off today. This news was relayed from son to husband yesterday.
This ID is the ONLY way he can get back home ... ordered another just in case but can take up to 2 weeks. Mid January is “S” day for him, or a warrant is issued.
I feel myself pulling back from all human contact. I trust no one. I’m sad. I come across as a frown laden scowl faced b**ch. Will I everrr recover? This has changed me forever, I’m afraid.
Thanks for checking on me - ((Hugs))
mentalcase
New Member
Toomanytears - my 17 year old son has court as well- I was actually hoping he would forget and not show up and he'd be arrested. I know in jail he is off drugs and I know where he is. Pretty sad huh? But here we are. It's not easy dealing with all this. Take good care of yourself and let things happen. You have done all you can. The ball is in your son's court now. You are stronger than you think. Look at all of you have gone through and you are still here! You will get through this too. We all do, some how or another.
I know it's frustrating trying to help from far away. Seems like lots of obstacles - I know your plan is to have your son spending xmas at home with grandson, making nice memories. Maybe that's not God's plan. Maybe son needs to feel pain of messing up and not being there for grandson. Maybe that will motivate him to change. Maybe more stuff needs to happen with crazy girlfriend for him to see she's not good for him. The thing is...we don't know the big picture.
My son isn't going to school, doing drugs, facing felony charges, going from one friend's house to another. All I see are bad things...but maybe this is what needs to happen for him to get the help he needs. At least that's what I tell myself to be able to go through it and not lose my mind. I have to let go. He's not mine to prop up where I want, how I want, like a puppet. He is his own person and has his own will (he's proven that in spades). I can only pray for him. I've learned that's pretty powerful (even though at first it seemed like nothing). Of course I don't want to watch him suffer- yet I can't control that.
I pray for all our kids and for us too. You are not alone.
I know it's frustrating trying to help from far away. Seems like lots of obstacles - I know your plan is to have your son spending xmas at home with grandson, making nice memories. Maybe that's not God's plan. Maybe son needs to feel pain of messing up and not being there for grandson. Maybe that will motivate him to change. Maybe more stuff needs to happen with crazy girlfriend for him to see she's not good for him. The thing is...we don't know the big picture.
My son isn't going to school, doing drugs, facing felony charges, going from one friend's house to another. All I see are bad things...but maybe this is what needs to happen for him to get the help he needs. At least that's what I tell myself to be able to go through it and not lose my mind. I have to let go. He's not mine to prop up where I want, how I want, like a puppet. He is his own person and has his own will (he's proven that in spades). I can only pray for him. I've learned that's pretty powerful (even though at first it seemed like nothing). Of course I don't want to watch him suffer- yet I can't control that.
I pray for all our kids and for us too. You are not alone.
