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Therapist: the pain of FOO will last forever...in some degree
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 744569" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Copa, your post is so potent it will take me days to process. Wow, the brilliant psychologist really came out there, and a lot of it was more on target than any psychologist I ever saw and more than I ever figured out on my own.</p><p></p><p>The only thing a I dont see is that I was the healthiest. I was born with something .....be it Aspergers or something else on top of a childhood anxiety,/mood disorder. Something was off. I needed love and help. I got neither. I begged for it.</p><p></p><p>Although most people can not remember their lives before five, I can. I have clear memories of about two walking with my dear grandmother down a street, holding her hand, wearing some white bonnet and a jumper with black background and pink flowers. I remember visiting my mother at work. She had her own dance studio. Cool huh? I could never dance <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /> She quit working after my brother was born.</p><p></p><p>I also remember shaking in my bed and the rumbling in my tummy for no reason other than I was born to have anxiety. And later on I remember not saying the right things to school peers and being shunned for it. Teachers got mad at me too. They would tell me "Dont you ever say that!" I didnt know what I had said wrong.</p><p></p><p>My social skills and learning disabilities made me an outcast at school as well as at home. My brother was also an outcast for poor social skills and other things that I dont know. He got sick at 12 with Crohns Disease so he looked ill and got meanly teased for that and had few friends before that too. At that time we were both loners. I still rather be just with my family and i am basically a loner. Did I ever tell you I was a writer? I used to write for hours at home. Way into the night. I was known as a good writer and a good singer and very creative at school, even though I was disliked.</p><p></p><p>My brother and I were both sports fans and played together and were very close. I miss that part of us. He moved out East and we grew apart.</p><p></p><p>My sister seemed the healthy one. Although I realized later it was an act. She can still put on a healthy, nice mask. I think she is the least healthy though.</p><p></p><p>I digress.</p><p></p><p>I was very damaged as a child. I needed a mother to help me with my problems that scared and puzzled me and, no, she didnt and, no, she wasnt enough. And she would call me horrible names for acting disturbed or just because she could, and I started to resent her early although I loved her so much. But not without resentment. That started early. I used to call her out on being a biotch to me in high school and she would retaliate with worse.</p><p></p><p>My Dad was absent and not that caring but I always loved him. He didnt play favorites to the end. For that alone I will.always adore him. I always loved him more than my mother.</p><p></p><p>I see every member of my family as very distirbed including me. I got healthy later, after years of therapy. After I married T.</p><p></p><p>My ability to unconditionally love has always been deep, maybe because I got that love from my grandmother. We were both able to deeply love and we were so close.</p><p></p><p>What my sister offered me was certainly puzzling, an on and off relationship, not enough. It never lasted before she got angry again and called the cops, which was so vicious. It is not something me or most people would have thought of. I never would have thought of cops because I wanted to stick it to her lol. Who does that? She did ...over an email. Often. I remember the cop would come over looking bored to tell me not to send her any more emails. She is very not okay.</p><p></p><p>While she CAN do the right things, I dont think her heart is very big or that her heart is always in her deeds. I often think she sometimes does the right thing for show. She likes to be admired. We wont even get into her anorexia which is a mental illness borne of vanity. She is 58 and still thinks she is beautiful. You think she would get over herself by now.</p><p></p><p>She is so skinny my ex ran into her then asked me if she had a grave disease. Never outgrew the anorexia. I truly never remember her sitting and eating a meal. Ever.</p><p></p><p>My brother is nice but also damaged in the intimicy department. It is rare for anyone to have reached 60 years old without ever having lived with a SO. He never has had one.</p><p></p><p>My parents were both intimacy challenged.</p><p></p><p>When I talk about this to T, my hub, which isnt often, he always says the same thing. "if you were not nice I would not be here 23 years later and your kids love you." I am the only one out if my siblings and mother to have had a long loving marriage. And we do. You would think T would get on my nerves a bit or vice versa now that we are retired, but we are BFFs. We enjoy being together. In our entire marriage we had maybe three bad fights. And nice reconcilliations! But we never fight.</p><p></p><p>So I cant think my FOO is my fault. Nobody at all would like me if it were my awfulness, and I have no doubt that my family of choice loves me and my volunteer friends like me too.</p><p></p><p>I guess my family I picked can love deeply enough for me to be satisfied arend I can love them back without expecting a fight or a snub. And I do need that. I am fortunate enough to live near two kids who I am very close to. Princess is a best friend who texts all the time. Bart calls every day. I do ferl the love. So why do I worry about FOO?</p><p></p><p>I think we all do sometimes.</p><p></p><p>I think your analysis was the best I ever read. I am going to print it out. I will never get that degree of wisdom again.</p><p></p><p>I thank you, Doctor. You are a doctor, rigjt? Of psychology?</p><p></p><p>I would give you the biggest hug ever if you were here.</p><p></p><p>G-d bless. Update us on your situation with J. I hope things are better!!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 744569, member: 1550"] Copa, your post is so potent it will take me days to process. Wow, the brilliant psychologist really came out there, and a lot of it was more on target than any psychologist I ever saw and more than I ever figured out on my own. The only thing a I dont see is that I was the healthiest. I was born with something .....be it Aspergers or something else on top of a childhood anxiety,/mood disorder. Something was off. I needed love and help. I got neither. I begged for it. Although most people can not remember their lives before five, I can. I have clear memories of about two walking with my dear grandmother down a street, holding her hand, wearing some white bonnet and a jumper with black background and pink flowers. I remember visiting my mother at work. She had her own dance studio. Cool huh? I could never dance :) She quit working after my brother was born. I also remember shaking in my bed and the rumbling in my tummy for no reason other than I was born to have anxiety. And later on I remember not saying the right things to school peers and being shunned for it. Teachers got mad at me too. They would tell me "Dont you ever say that!" I didnt know what I had said wrong. My social skills and learning disabilities made me an outcast at school as well as at home. My brother was also an outcast for poor social skills and other things that I dont know. He got sick at 12 with Crohns Disease so he looked ill and got meanly teased for that and had few friends before that too. At that time we were both loners. I still rather be just with my family and i am basically a loner. Did I ever tell you I was a writer? I used to write for hours at home. Way into the night. I was known as a good writer and a good singer and very creative at school, even though I was disliked. My brother and I were both sports fans and played together and were very close. I miss that part of us. He moved out East and we grew apart. My sister seemed the healthy one. Although I realized later it was an act. She can still put on a healthy, nice mask. I think she is the least healthy though. I digress. I was very damaged as a child. I needed a mother to help me with my problems that scared and puzzled me and, no, she didnt and, no, she wasnt enough. And she would call me horrible names for acting disturbed or just because she could, and I started to resent her early although I loved her so much. But not without resentment. That started early. I used to call her out on being a biotch to me in high school and she would retaliate with worse. My Dad was absent and not that caring but I always loved him. He didnt play favorites to the end. For that alone I will.always adore him. I always loved him more than my mother. I see every member of my family as very distirbed including me. I got healthy later, after years of therapy. After I married T. My ability to unconditionally love has always been deep, maybe because I got that love from my grandmother. We were both able to deeply love and we were so close. What my sister offered me was certainly puzzling, an on and off relationship, not enough. It never lasted before she got angry again and called the cops, which was so vicious. It is not something me or most people would have thought of. I never would have thought of cops because I wanted to stick it to her lol. Who does that? She did ...over an email. Often. I remember the cop would come over looking bored to tell me not to send her any more emails. She is very not okay. While she CAN do the right things, I dont think her heart is very big or that her heart is always in her deeds. I often think she sometimes does the right thing for show. She likes to be admired. We wont even get into her anorexia which is a mental illness borne of vanity. She is 58 and still thinks she is beautiful. You think she would get over herself by now. She is so skinny my ex ran into her then asked me if she had a grave disease. Never outgrew the anorexia. I truly never remember her sitting and eating a meal. Ever. My brother is nice but also damaged in the intimicy department. It is rare for anyone to have reached 60 years old without ever having lived with a SO. He never has had one. My parents were both intimacy challenged. When I talk about this to T, my hub, which isnt often, he always says the same thing. "if you were not nice I would not be here 23 years later and your kids love you." I am the only one out if my siblings and mother to have had a long loving marriage. And we do. You would think T would get on my nerves a bit or vice versa now that we are retired, but we are BFFs. We enjoy being together. In our entire marriage we had maybe three bad fights. And nice reconcilliations! But we never fight. So I cant think my FOO is my fault. Nobody at all would like me if it were my awfulness, and I have no doubt that my family of choice loves me and my volunteer friends like me too. I guess my family I picked can love deeply enough for me to be satisfied arend I can love them back without expecting a fight or a snub. And I do need that. I am fortunate enough to live near two kids who I am very close to. Princess is a best friend who texts all the time. Bart calls every day. I do ferl the love. So why do I worry about FOO? I think we all do sometimes. I think your analysis was the best I ever read. I am going to print it out. I will never get that degree of wisdom again. I thank you, Doctor. You are a doctor, rigjt? Of psychology? I would give you the biggest hug ever if you were here. G-d bless. Update us on your situation with J. I hope things are better!! [/QUOTE]
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Therapist: the pain of FOO will last forever...in some degree
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