Thoughts on a will

[Mamacat]

My husband and I rewrote our will today. It has been signed and notarized, but I'm still not satisfied with what we did regarding my 45 year old difficult daughter. We are a second marriage. He has two children and I have two. They're all functioning on their own except my daughter. We have helped her much, much more than any of the others. We gave her a car probably worth about $4,000. Since then we have given lots of money, physically rescued and moved her several times. She took the girls and went to Colorado. I gave her close to $900 in the month of September, the month she went to Colorado. Then came the request to sign for apt. And I said no and that was it. No more communication on her end. She goes through money. I honesty don't know what she does with it. Often supports a deadbeat boyfriend. My two granddaughters have had Christmases with no presents. If she's speaking tome, I usually provide Christmas and birthdays. A year ago she told me she needed transportation. She couldn't go to work, needed a vehicle. By the way, she works sporadically gets upset with someone at the job and quits. She's has a college degree I told her no and she called me, blamed everything on me. The usual manipulation.... Famiy helps family, etc. She stopped talking tyo me again. This went on for several months. In the meantime I'm working the steps of CODA I send her an amends letter. I got a text she accepted my amends and I could come see the girls. Eventually i ended up "selling" her my car. (Another one) Time was about 6 years between the two cars. I didn't want to give it to her. I made that clear. No problem abusive\deadbeat boyfriend was gone, she was going to get a full-time job, would pay me every month. I PD for 2 months insurance. She owes me around $5,000. That's a lot of story, but now it's time to do our will. I left her out and gave her portion to be divided between the two girls for use for an education or if not when they turn 23. I was going to give her my diamond engagement ring, but insteasd gave it to my son. I'm concerned that she would just blow the money on I don't knowwhat....marijuana, wine, abusive boyfriend (she's back with him again). It's not a lot of money. We're hoping to spend it having fun. If I did leave her portion to her, she would need to have the amount of the loan taken out and given to the other three.
BUT, I don't like this. I'm not doing it to get back at her. I just would love for the money to go for a good purpose. Is that controlling from the grave? I don't like anything about this. I don't want problems between her and her brother. They don't speak now. I hate this!
Any advice.

 

[Tanya M]

Hi Mamacat,

My husband and I did our will a couple of years ago. My son, my only child is going to be 35 next month. He has 2 children that he abandoned 6 years ago.
We put our estate into a trust for our grandchildren. They will not have access to it until they are both 30.

It was and easy and not so easy decision to make. We love our son very much but like you, we have given and given with no appreciation in return. I know that if we left money to our son he would blow through it. My husband and I have busted our butts over the years working hard to have what we have.

Much thought was given to this before we made our decision. If we would leave everything to our son what would that look like? Our son would have quite a bit of money and would probably live pretty well for a while but when money isn't managed well it will run out. Our son would end up in the same situation he's in now, homeless and broke.

When we met with our lawyer to go over everything I asked her how common it was for parents to leave their children out of their wills, she told me it's much more common than people realize.

The best way to not have any issues between her and her brother is to make sure your will spells it out. Ours says specifically that our son will receive nothing for reasons known only to myself and my husband and that it cannot be contested. Also, you are under no obligation to share with your daughter the decision you have made.

((HUGS)) to you......................

 

[Mamacat]

Thank you for your response Tanya. That makes me feel a little better. We left her $10 that feels nasty to me, but we read that she should be mentioned. If not she can contest saying we forgot Her. I ike yours better. I'm going to have to come to an acceptance of the realty of the situation.

 

[Copabanana]

I left her out and gave her portion to be divided between the two girls for use for an education or if not when they turn 23.

I think this is responsible. If my son had children, I would do the same.

BUT, I don't like this. I'm not doing it to get back at her. I just would love for the money to go for a good purpose. Is that controlling from the grave?

No. It's taking responsibility from life to do the right thing. We try not to set our kids up for self-harm. It is hard.

 

[AppleCori]

Remember, if something changes with your daughter, you can always amend your will. It is not written in stone.

In the here and now, you have done the responsible thing.

Don't stress about it, enjoy your life!

 

[pasajes4]

You did the right thing. In my case I added a letter to be given to my son. It is a letter of love from mother to son. I did not mention any of the heartache his choices have caused. He will probably not read it. He will get a small sum of cash.
My daughter will receive her portion before my death. He will have no knowledge of the size of her portion.

 

[recoveringenabler]

s that controlling from the grave? I don't like anything about this. I don't want problems between her and her brother. They don't speak now. I hate this!
Any advice.

You obviously agonized over the details of the will trying to be fair and rational......I don't think that is controlling, I think that is loving and thoughtful. None of this is black and white, we all have to maneuver through this as well as possible for our own well being and you've done a good job of it.

Because of my difficult daughter, I agonized over our will too. Like you I hated doing it, however we worked through it and after much ruminating we found a plan that felt right.

I'm going to have to come to an acceptance of the realty of the situation.

That's the bottom line isn't it? "Acceptance of the reality of the situation." Sigh. Mamacat, we're all doing the very best we can....... and it's hard,.......what would be a relatively simple task for parents of typical kids becomes monumental for us......let yourself off the hook and as you said,

We're hoping to spend it having fun.

Go spend it having fun!

 

[Mamacat]

Thank you for all of your responses. I'd like to say they made me feel better, but the truth is I'm still dealing with the situation. I know better days are cvcvoming as I continue to let go. It seems I move forward and then I cycle back a little. I think if I could change one thing right now, it would be to leave her a little more money, like pass said, A smalll sum of cash. Right now it's $10, which to mean seems very rude. We did that so she won't think we forgot her and contest. I think I'd be happier with something like $1000. I know I can always change it if things improve between us, but I don't know how I could ever trust thast she had indeed changed. It would take some time. Words mean nothing anymore. I also like the idea of writing a letter as pass suggested. Again, thanks for the help and support. Sending love to all of you.

 

[Mamacat]

Thank you for all of your responses. I'd like to say they made me feel better, but the truth is I'm still dealing with the situation. I know better days are cvcvoming as I continue to let go. It seems I move forward and then I cycle back a little. I think if I could change one thing right now, it would be to leave her a little more money, like pass said, A smalll sum of cash. Right now it's $10, which to mean seems very rude. We did that so she won't think we forgot her and contest. I think I'd be happier with something like $1000. I know I can always change it if things improve between us, but I don't know how I could ever trust thast she had indeed changed. It would take some time. Words mean nothing anymore. I also like the idea of writing a letter as pass suggested. Again, thanks for the help and support. Sending love to all of you.

 

[susiestar]

I think what you did was not only the right thing but the responsible thing. I doubt she will learn, but your grands might. They will learn that you love them, that not being in their lives wasn't your choice and you wanted to do what you could for them. I would leave a letter to them, explaining that you love them and wanted to be in their lives but were not allowed to be. That you want them to use the money for their education and to better their lives, that their mother got her share of the inheritance while she was alive and she chose to spend it on her boyfriend and on other things.

 

[BusynMember]

I'm not leaving my son who has cut off all contact more than mentiononing he gets $1. OR A LITTLE MORE NECESSARY. everyone else will be divided equally.

If you don't act like I'm your mother ( and to me there is responsibility in that to maintain somewhat pleasamt contact) I'm not. I havent met his children. Haven't talked to him in over twelve years now. That's not how family members treat one another.

 

[Verydistressedmomofodd]

Your doing the right thing but most importantly what your feel is best for now. Congrats on even being able to discuss and allow yourself to complete such a task no mother is ever able to. God bless

 

[mtic]

Thank you for sharing this. My husband and I are going to be redoing our wills very soon. I can't imagine my son getting a dime right now, so not sure exactly what terms we will decide upon.

 

[SeekingStrength]

husband and I have agonized over the will thing. We left everything pretty much 1/3 between the 3 kids. We left our Difficult Child our "oldest car", whatever that may be. We also named the two offspring who are nice to us as beneficiaries on any accounts (checking, savings, 403b)....not that any of those accounts amount to much. It does mean a few more $$ to them that Difficult Child will probably never know about We have no desire to hurt him, but <sigh>.

I understand completely.

 

[Kathy813]

My husband and I recently had a will made. We struggled with how to handle it but are happy with what we decided. First of all, we have spent a huge amount on rehabs, halfway houses, rent, etc for our difficult child over the last 13 years. It just didn't seem fair to leave what we had left split equally between our two daughters.

So we stipulated that an equal amount of what we had spent on Difficult Child would go to our youngest daughter. What was left after that would be split between the two. We also stipulated that any amount that went to our oldest daughter (Difficult Child) would be split in thirds given now, at 35, and at 40. After that, she is on her own with it. My best friend agreed to be the person in charge of dispersing the money so that difficult child wouldn't badger our younger daughter to give her the money.

We did that hoping it would keep her from spending it all immediately and hoping by 40 she would be more responsible with money.

We were very up front and explained exactly what we had done with both daughters. Difficult child took it very well.

We are very fortunate that Difficult Child is doing very well. She will celebrate her 11 month sobriety date on February 1st and is doing great at her full time job. I am cautiously optimistic. But regardless of what happens, once I am gone I won't know if she squanders the money and it won't be my problem.

 

[KTMom91]

Hubby and I need to get things in order...we're both in our mid-fifties, he has two sons, I have Miss KT, and there are things that need to be addressed that can potentially be difficult for the kids to unravel.

Though they all had Difficult Child behaviors, at different times in their younger lives, we are very grateful that all three no longer fall under that category. Miss KT's bio father (aka Useless Boy) is still being supported by his 90 year old mother. Yeah.

 

[Ironbutterfly]

Thank you for all of your responses. I'd like to say they made me feel better, but the truth is I'm still dealing with the situation. I know better days are cvcvoming as I continue to let go. It seems I move forward and then I cycle back a little. I think if I could change one thing right now, it would be to leave her a little more money, like pass said, A smalll sum of cash. Right now it's $10, which to mean seems very rude. We did that so she won't think we forgot her and contest. I think I'd be happier with something like $1000. I know I can always change it if things improve between us, but I don't know how I could ever trust thast she had indeed changed. It would take some time. Words mean nothing anymore. I also like the idea of writing a letter as pass suggested. Again, thanks for the help and support. Sending love to all of you.

If 1,000 would make you feel better, you could have it where they only get 100.00 a year for 10 years. That way they don't blow it all at once. Just a thought.

 

[GStorm]

Thank you for all of your responses. I'd like to say they made me feel better, but the truth is I'm still dealing with the situation. I know better days are cvcvoming as I continue to let go. It seems I move forward and then I cycle back a little. I think if I could change one thing right now, it would be to leave her a little more money, like pass said, A smalll sum of cash. Right now it's $10, which to mean seems very rude. We did that so she won't think we forgot her and contest. I think I'd be happier with something like $1000. I know I can always change it if things improve between us, but I don't know how I could ever trust thast she had indeed changed. It would take some time. Words mean nothing anymore. I also like the idea of writing a letter as pass suggested. Again, thanks for the help and support. Sending love to all of you.

Take care if you, your husband, son & those grandchildren. Like my family tells me, and I am still working on it..."Enough is enough!"

 

[LauraH]

Here's what i'm doing with my will. If I die first my husband gets everything, period. If my husband goes before me then my son (my only other beneficiary) gets everything...BUT...my niece, who is competent and caring, will be the "custodian" of whatever my son inherits. She will disburse whatever amount he legitimately needs when and how she sees fit. I trust her completely. She won't be just handing over a ton of money to him, it would be gone within a week. But she won't let him starve, either, especially if h'e's making a real effort to stand on his own two feet. I don't know if she'll put him on a monthly allowance or what, I'm leaving that totally to her discretion. I won't have much to leave behind, but it could be as much as $10,000 - $15,000, and to my son it's unlimited wealth. He would go nuts buying the latest iPhone, new clothes, drugs I'm sure, you name it. And it would be an excuse for him not to work as long as the money lasted. I'm breathing easier knowing that won't happen with my niece at the helm. And since my son is prone to angry outbursts when he doesn't get what he wants, I'm adding a clause that if he gets belligerent with my niece over the terms of the will, he's out of it completely. (I'm rethinking that part, though, since it's almost inevitable that he will put up a fight so I might just be setting him up to inherit nothing)

Maybe you could do something similar for your daughter? Have a trusted family member or attorney control whatever you leave her?

 

[Mamacat]

This is an update. The relationship with my difficult daughter is much better. I'm leaving on Saturday to visit her and my granddaughters. It will be my second trip since reconciling. She has left an abusive relationship and is in counselling. The will has been redone to include her. She is working hard to take care of herself and my granddaughters. Things do change. It hasn't been easy though. Much love to all of you as we find our way through difficult times.