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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 749040" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Hi New Leaf. Jeez. It's never easy. There is this: I'm not sure that a 14 year old can give consent.. I will look into it. I just checked. While a 14 year old in your state cannot give consent to sexual activity, there is an exception for close in age partners, so it looks like there is this loophole. I would think this is one of the questions to ask the attorney and also the extent that legal responsibility for the sex act in a time you were not involved, could be grandfathered in to you. I mean. How could you be responsible for acts you could not be responsible for because you weren't in the picture?Y</p><p>I think that these are important questions to ask now, not later. I think this boils down to whether or not you feel that the eldest is in dialog with you about this, has some awareness and movement towards consciousness and collaboration. I think by the end of the summer you will both know. I don't think it would be a wrong thing to actually talk to him about these questions.<em> How would I deal with your opposition? What about this anger? How can we work together to reduce the fighting.</em> And actually wrestle with this stuff NOW rather than after this is a done deal. I mean. </p><p></p><p>Would you want to take on something that is not working? It is like volunteering to step into FOG. <em>Why would you do this? </em>Your taking on these kids will not bring your girls back. It is not a do over to get it right. That can't happen. I mean, it could turn out right for you and these kids but it can't rewrite history with your girls. I think you need to work very hard to confront in yourself what your motivations are (deeply). So that they don't come back and bite you.</p><p></p><p>I adopted my son 29 years ago. I am dealing only now with what my real motivations were, and the fantasies I had. I don't regret it. But for myself and for him I wish I had been less unconscious.</p><p></p><p>I think a lot about a concept I cal<em>l the river of life.</em> It's like. There are forces that push us in our life. Currents. That are the real deal. This is the truth of our life. What we could not have stopped or gotten away from. I am not saying there is not free will and deciding to alter course. There is. But you need to think about these kids. And yourself, too. Would their coming to you be the river of their lives? Would it be yours? Or would you be fighting against the current?</p><p></p><p>You live so much of your life in the sea and around it. You feel and know what it tells you. I think if you think of the situation in these terms you will know.</p><p></p><p>I am thinking more about the sex part. I mean, you might not be responsible for babies conceived before your tenure, you would be, it seems for post-guardianship. This is something that grandson would need to confront. I know this sounds wildly implausible. But if he won't or does not want to curb himself to some extent, <u>to be with you, </u>you need to face that now, in my view.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 749040, member: 18958"] Hi New Leaf. Jeez. It's never easy. There is this: I'm not sure that a 14 year old can give consent.. I will look into it. I just checked. While a 14 year old in your state cannot give consent to sexual activity, there is an exception for close in age partners, so it looks like there is this loophole. I would think this is one of the questions to ask the attorney and also the extent that legal responsibility for the sex act in a time you were not involved, could be grandfathered in to you. I mean. How could you be responsible for acts you could not be responsible for because you weren't in the picture?Y I think that these are important questions to ask now, not later. I think this boils down to whether or not you feel that the eldest is in dialog with you about this, has some awareness and movement towards consciousness and collaboration. I think by the end of the summer you will both know. I don't think it would be a wrong thing to actually talk to him about these questions.[I] How would I deal with your opposition? What about this anger? How can we work together to reduce the fighting.[/I] And actually wrestle with this stuff NOW rather than after this is a done deal. I mean. Would you want to take on something that is not working? It is like volunteering to step into FOG. [I]Why would you do this? [/I]Your taking on these kids will not bring your girls back. It is not a do over to get it right. That can't happen. I mean, it could turn out right for you and these kids but it can't rewrite history with your girls. I think you need to work very hard to confront in yourself what your motivations are (deeply). So that they don't come back and bite you. I adopted my son 29 years ago. I am dealing only now with what my real motivations were, and the fantasies I had. I don't regret it. But for myself and for him I wish I had been less unconscious. I think a lot about a concept I cal[I]l the river of life.[/I] It's like. There are forces that push us in our life. Currents. That are the real deal. This is the truth of our life. What we could not have stopped or gotten away from. I am not saying there is not free will and deciding to alter course. There is. But you need to think about these kids. And yourself, too. Would their coming to you be the river of their lives? Would it be yours? Or would you be fighting against the current? You live so much of your life in the sea and around it. You feel and know what it tells you. I think if you think of the situation in these terms you will know. I am thinking more about the sex part. I mean, you might not be responsible for babies conceived before your tenure, you would be, it seems for post-guardianship. This is something that grandson would need to confront. I know this sounds wildly implausible. But if he won't or does not want to curb himself to some extent, [U]to be with you, [/U]you need to face that now, in my view. [/QUOTE]
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