Tired of crying and having swollen eyes everyday

[Elsi]

Jenna I can only imagine how much anguish this situation brings you. I wish I had a magic answer that would help you make your granddaughter safe. I think all you can really do is let her know that you continue to care and will be there for her as much as you can be. I suspect she knows, even if she cant communicate that with her mother around. But the love you’ve given her is still there. And it will give her some strength she may be able to build on one day. I hope your prayers are answered and she will be able to be with you again. Big hugs to you.

 

[Jenna0823]

Does CPS know she saw her father dead and is getting no help? How did your sister just give this child back to a drug abuser? Wasnt CPS or a lawyer involved? How did this work? Cant you go for custody?

Yes CPS investigated the situation I was told by the fathers fiancé. My sister had partial custody with the father now deceased. My sister only got custody in 2014 when my daughter showed up to pick up my granddaughter at school high. Since my daughter lived with me with my granddaughter at the time CPS would not let me keep my granddaughter so my sister took her. I offered to make my daughter leave but they took my granddaughter right away. That was th3 beginning of the worst part of this mess. My sister is cold hearted and was not making meals for my granddaughter and not teaching her hygiene and was sleeping until mid afternoon when my granddaughter was off from school. I lived very close by so I got to have her some but my sister was hateful because my granddaughter wanted to be with me and of course I would get into it with my sister when she didn’t care for her properly. That’s why this past May when my granddaughter told her she wanted to move in with me my sister immediately signed over her custody to my daughter who had only been clean a few months. Now my daughter is pregnant with another baby from a third father. A heroin addict that is three years clean supposedly. The judge I guess figured my sister knew what she was doing giving her to my daughter. It was just to hurt me. No lawyer was involved. Nothing I can do until my daughter relapsed again or messes up. My hands are tied

 

[Smithmom]

Again, you talk about this history and separation from your granddaughter as if it dominates your life. It is tragic. But everyone here lives with this kind of tragedy in our lives. Someone mentioned "changing the channel" and you refer to eating chocolate or taking a nap as coping mechanisms. My suggestion is that you think about your life beyond this tragedy and whether you can find better coping mechanisms. Neither is really changing the channel for you.

 

[Jenna0823]

Again, you talk about this history and separation from your granddaughter as if it dominates your life. It is tragic. But everyone here lives with this kind of tragedy in our lives. Someone mentioned "changing the channel" and you refer to eating chocolate or taking a nap as coping mechanisms. My suggestion is that you think about your life beyond this tragedy and whether you can find better coping mechanisms. Neither is really changing the channel for you.

That’s very true. It seems to be all I think about more so at night as I talk to god before bed. I guess it is hard for me to change the channel as it feels like I am walking away or giving up on my granddaughter. She was a huge part of my life and I admit a great source of my happiness. Perhaps I need counseling for this to help me get unstuck. I appreciate you pointing out that it is consuming me. I don’t want that to rob me of my life and happiness in my future.

 

[Smithmom]

Just a suggestion but getting unstuck is often helped by making goals, putting a schedule together and following through. Getting into counseling is a good goal. Finding a counselor in the next 3 days a good schedule. Making one call a day a reasonable plan. It's just baby steps in the right direction.

Changing the channel isn't meant to be about changing direction. Its a reference to watching tv. Something unpleasant may come on tv. You can choose to stay on that channel and get absorbed into something negative. Or you can choose to change the mood in an instant by switching to another channel. Its making a choice to move from bad to good in a flash. Your thoughts may go to bad history and you can get absorbed in it. Or you can switch the channel and think of something positive. So maybe pray for your grandaughter briefly and then move on to thankfulness for all the good in your life.

 

[Jenna0823]

Just a suggestion but getting unstuck is often helped by making goals, putting a schedule together and following through. Getting into counseling is a good goal. Finding a counselor in the next 3 days a good schedule. Making one call a day a reasonable plan. It's just baby steps in the right direction.

Changing the channel isn't meant to be about changing direction. Its a reference to watching tv. Something unpleasant may come on tv. You can choose to stay on that channel and get absorbed into something negative. Or you can choose to change the mood in an instant by switching to another channel. Its making a choice to move from bad to good in a flash. Your thoughts may go to bad history and you can get absorbed in it. Or you can switch the channel and think of something positive. So maybe pray for your grandaughter briefly and then move on to thankfulness for all the good in your life.

I have been listening to sermons by Rick Warren and Joyce Meyer every night while relaxing or reading about this stuff on the internet to help me work thru it. I can accept my daughters behavior because it is all I have gotten from her for 17 years now and my sister it’s been ongoing for about 4 years. As hurtful as it is I can switch that off easily but my granddaughter was like my own child that I tried so hard to always protect because of all my daughter put her through. I miss her so much. It hurts my heart. And she doesn’t reach out to me at all so that really hurts as we were so close. I guess she is happy to have her mom back right now as it’s been about five years since she lived with her or really spent any time with her. But there is always chaos and drama daily with my daughter so it’s got to be like walking on eggshells for her. I don’t miss my daughter at all. I am used to this treatment and with her being in and out of jail and rehab and on drugs I feel I haven’t had her in 17 years. Plus honestly it’s peaceful to not get caught up in the daily chaos and drama that she puts you through. So perhaps I will find a counselor and I do make sure I am grateful for all I have but more so grateful for the peace and quiet I have finally after many years. Her not talking to me right now is peaceful. I should be enjoying it more. I can’t let it consume me or steal my peace and happiness. Thanks for helping me. Hugs

 

[Jenna0823]

Jenna I can only imagine how much anguish this situation brings you. I wish I had a magic answer that would help you make your granddaughter safe. I think all you can really do is let her know that you continue to care and will be there for her as much as you can be. I suspect she knows, even if she cant communicate that with her mother around. But the love you’ve given her is still there. And it will give her some strength she may be able to build on one day. I hope your prayers are answered and she will be able to be with you again. Big hugs to you.

Thank you so much. I can’t lose hope for her to be with me again. I miss her terribly and just want to protect her and keep her from becoming like her mother. Sadly all I can do is show her love and pray that god keeps her safe. I will always hope to see her again and just hug her so tight. I just need to take care of myself and allow myself to be happy in the meantime no matter what the outcome is. Hugs

 

[BusynMember]

Have you told this entire story to a lawyer? I would not accept anythong that may possibly be changeable. And you never saw a family law attorney to see if this csn change. So you dont know.

I tend to be proactive and not give up. I cant believe that no lawyer was involved in all this. It doesnt sound right. And the child had no lawyer either? They are called guardians.

I dont believe your grand is so happy to be with your daughter...she is horrible. She is a mess. Your grand may be scared of her or angry that you dont have her. She doesn't know what happened. Kids like stability. Then grand had your mean sister and back again. Her head must be spinning. She cant possibly understand this.

Custody battles usually require lawyers, guardians, sometimes a trial. My son had to fight for 50 percent of his sons time. He needed a lawyer. It worked.

The whole custody bit with your grand sounds fishy. Like a Friday fish fry. Like something is wrong.

Your granddaunghter doesnt understand why she isnt with you. Just because somebody gives birth to you, that does not make the person able to be a mother. Your daughter has not been a mother to any of her kids. The courts know that some mothers are unfit. That is why so many kids are in foster care, not that foster care is good....I digress.

I do think you should talk to a family law attorney. About this whole mess. It is never a good idea to go to court without representation. Grandmothers can sometimes be named legal guardians. Your daughter is already known to CPS. My guess is the Judge, with you without representation, decided you cant have cistody because she will see her mother if you do. And you without representation did not let the judge know otherwise.so sister got custody. I do t have a clue how Daughter got custody back with her history.

You need a lawyer.

Its worth a try.

Goof luck!

 

[Jenna0823]

Have you told this entire story to a lawyer? I would not accept anythong that may possibly be changeable. And you never saw a family law attorney to see if this csn change. So you dont know.

I tend to be proactive and not give up. I cant believe that no lawyer was involved in all this. It doesnt sound right. And the child had no lawyer either? They are called guardians.

I dont believe your grand is so happy to be with your daughter...she is horrible. She is a mess. Your grand may be scared of her or angry that you dont have her. She doesn't know what happened. Kids like stability. Then grand had your mean sister and back again. Her head must be spinning. She cant possibly understand this.

Custody battles usually require lawyers, guardians, sometimes a trial. My son had to fight for 50 percent of his sons time. He needed a lawyer. It worked.

The whole custody bit with your grand sounds fishy. Like a Friday fish fry. Like something is wrong.

Your granddaunghter doesnt understand why she isnt with you. Just because somebody gives birth to you, that does not make the person able to be a mother. Your daughter has not been a mother to any of her kids. The courts know that some mothers are unfit. That is why so many kids are in foster care, not that foster care is good....I digress.

I do think you should talk to a family law attorney. About this whole mess. It is never a good idea to go to court without representation. Grandmothers can sometimes be named legal guardians. Your daughter is already known to CPS. My guess is the Judge, with you without representation, decided you cant have cistody because she will see her mother if you do. And you without representation did not let the judge know otherwise.so sister got custody. I do t have a clue how Daughter got custody back with her history.

You need a lawyer.

Its worth a try.

Goof luck!

When I found out about my sister giving her partial custody back I called the courts. I asked them if they check the arrest history and the background of my daughter and they said yes they do. I felt for sure that would mean she wouldn’t get her back. But she did. And now that my granddaughters father died my daughter gets $1100 social security survivor benefit each month. But my granddaughter doesn’t have a tv in her room. She always had one to play video games on. Why can’t she buy her a $99 tv to use? She has to wait until my daughter or her boyfriend aren’t watching it to play games which she likes to do and connect via FaceTime with the friends and my son that she had to move away from over the past year. She misses her friends and told me she doesn’t play outside there because it’s cold. Well she played outside everyday before with kids on the street playing street hockey. It’s hard to tell if she is happy. I am sure she wonders why her mother doesn’t talk to her little brother but I am positive my daughter tells her a lie and blames it on the the father or whatever. It’s always a lie. My daughter works evenings so granddaughter spends them at home with the boyfriend/baby daddy. Last year he tried to help my daughter get off heroin and told her probation officer so my daughter in turn told police he beat her up. She did that twice to him. My granddaughter heard about that and assumed that he beat her up. Wonder what she thinks now. Either he really did beat her up (which I saw text from her saying she was setting him up) or she knows her mother lied. Great choices for a little girl. Lord help her.

 

[BusynMember]

Why .not a lawyer? It takes one to get change. You will not get anywhere without one. Although granddaughter not having a TV wont matter in the eyes of the court. They care about parental fitness.

If you cant afford one or for some reason dont want a lawywr to help you....I am sorry for your sadness but nothing is likely to change. You need legal representation to get anywhere and you cant be afraid to take on your daughter. Thats what I would try anyway.

In no way should you encourage your daughter to go near your grandson. He is in a stable home with his father and she is unlikely to take good care of him. Legally the father is not likely to lose custody anyway. These days men and women are equal in family court. The mother has no more rights than the father.

 

[Jenna0823]

Why .not a lawyer? It takes one to get change. You will not get anywhere without one. Although granddaughter not having a TV wont matter in the eyes of the court. They care about parental fitness.

If you cant afford one or for some reason dont want a lawywr to help you....I am sorry for your sadness but nothing is likely to change. You need legal representation to get anywhere and you cant be afraid to take on your daughter. Thats what I would try anyway.

In no way should you encourage your daughter to go near your grandson. He is in a stable home with his father and she is unlikely to take good care of him. Legally the father is not likely to lose custody anyway. These days men and women are equal in family court. The mother has no more rights than the father.

I am deathly afraid of my daughter. She is very vindictive. She has done so many things to me that are criminal and extremely scary. In 2014 I was raped and I moved away because the rapist was stalking me. I moved far away. My daughter went to him and gave him my new address and other info in exchange for $800 obviously for drugs. My granddaughter was with me. We could have been hurt. I moved to be safe and the court case for him was going on. Yes I won. But I could have been hurt for telling the police what he did to me. I ran through the woods after the rape with him chasing me. And my daughter gives him my address. ? She could do that again. Or tell the police I am harassing her. Or lie and say even worse. She had her ex that has her son arrested years ago when she was arguing with him and she banged her head repeatedly on the steering wheel then called police telling them he beat her. Thank god for him the parking lot has cameras. She is scary. My poor granddaughter

 

[BusynMember]

I see

Okay. I am so very sorry. What your daughter did to you is evil, for those who believe in evil. I cant imagine how scary she is both to you and to.anyone who crosses her.

It is safe to.assume that your daughter has no conscience at all. Most people could not do what your daughter did to a stranger or enemy let alone her own mother. It is maybe a step away from murdering you. In fact what she did could have seen you dead.

Under these circumstances my best heartfelt advice is to break all contact with her. Since you are rightfully afraid to make any move to get custody of your granddaughter there is nothing you can do for her. You wont forget her but you cant help her so probably the best you can do.is to get into serious therapy and work on moving on. Worrying about your grandkids wont save them at all. Making moves against your daughter may see you dead and who knows what she would dp to the grandkids if you did get custody.

Your grandson is safe. His father should not allow contact with his mother....ever. She is apparently.a threat to everyone in her path. Unless she ends up in long term prison, which may yet happen, she is unsafe for everyone in her space.

You have done all you can safely do for now. Does your son know who she really is? He could be in danger too if he maintains contact woth her or sees her.

I have been on this site over a decade. Very few adult kids seemed as dangerous as your daughter does. There have neen a few I remember....almost all girls, strangely. But some boys.

There are times whem our adult kids give us no choice but to break contact. I feel really badly for your grandlids but anyone who has to live with her and see her will either turn out a bit like her or run away ASAP. But the people in our court system and CPS did not save her from her dangerous mother. She may yet go to.you one day when she is grown. Or sooner.

Until then my opinion is you are not able to do anything against your daughter without extreme risk.

Do get into.therapy and do your best learning to live with a daughter like this in.the background and accept that for now I you can not save your grand.

Your sister sounds loke a piece of #### too.


Please take care and het help to save yourself. Your daughters behavior is not ypur fault!

Love and light!

 

[Jenna0823]

I see

Okay. I am so very sorry. What your daughter did to you is evil, for those who believe in evil. I cant imagine how scary she is both to you and to.anyone who crosses her.

It is safe to.assume that your daughter has no conscience at all. Most people could not do what your daughter did to a stranger or enemy let alone her own mother. It is maybe a step away from murdering you. In fact what she did could have seen you dead.

Under these circumstances my best heartfelt advice is to break all contact with her. Since you are rightfully afraid to make any move to get custody of your granddaughter there is nothing you can do for her. You wont forget her but you cant help her so probably the best you can do.is to get into serious therapy and work on moving on. Worrying about your grandkids wont save them at all. Making moves against your daughter may see you dead and who knows what she would dp to the grandkids if you did get custody.

Your grandson is safe. His father should not allow contact with his mother....ever. She is apparently.a threat to everyone in her path. Unless she ends up in long term prison, which may yet happen, she is unsafe for everyone in her space.

You have done all you can safely do for now. Does your son know who she really is? He could be in danger too if he maintains contact woth her or sees her.

I have been on this site over a decade. Very few adult kids seemed as dangerous as your daughter does. There have neen a few I remember....almost all girls, strangely. But some boys.

There are times whem our adult kids give us no choice but to break contact. I feel really badly for your grandlids but anyone who has to live with her and see her will either turn out a bit like her or run away ASAP. But the people in our court system and CPS did not save her from her dangerous mother. She may yet go to.you one day when she is grown. Or sooner.

Until then my opinion is you are not able to do anything against your daughter without extreme risk.

Do get into.therapy and do your best learning to live with a daughter like this in.the background and accept that for now I you can not save your grand.

Your sister sounds loke a piece of #### too.


Please take care and het help to save yourself. Your daughters behavior is not ypur fault!

Love and light!

See I thought now that my daughter is clean off the drugs since January and is pregnant that maybe her heart has softened. She knows my granddaughter wanted to live with me so I guess she feels threatened by that. She can put on an act of being very sweet to people but even when she moved out of my brother in laws house in May she stole his vacuum and trashed the bedroom there. Then told my granddaughter they were moving out because he was setting up cameras to do creepy stuff when in reality it was because his valuables were missing. She has blocked him as well. Big thanks he gets. I always forgave her because I thought the drugs were to blame for her evil yes evil behavior. My Christian friends say the devil has her. I believe it. Prayer I hope will save my precious granddaughter. The boyfriend went back with her he told a friend because she blamed the drugs for what she did to him and she presented a beautiful picture of a great life together. Boy is he in for a surprise. Especially when she has the baby in a few months. She relapsed with the other two kids and works two jobs to avoid taking care of them. It stresses her out too much to be a mother. Lord help my granddaughter and the new baby. Makes me so afraid for them. The best thing would be for them to be with me and learn what a good fruitful life is and definitely counseling for my granddaughter. Hugs to you

 

[Smithmom]

The key to finding happiness in this situation in my opinion is in the AA prayer. You accept that you cannot change your daughter. Giving her money is usually trying to change it. Have you accepted it? Are you trying to change the situation with your grand? You're seemingly doing neither change nor acceptance. Is this true? If neither then you cannot find peace.

Keeping your grand safe is certainly the right thing to do. But putting the responsibility on yourself to keep her from the wrong path isn't right. We cannot keep our childeen from themselves. The path she ultimately takes will not be because she was or wasn't with you.

Worrying about whether she has a tv in her room, how much time she spends outside, etc is not helpful to anyone. Detachment is key here. When these thoughts come to you change the channel.

 

[BusynMember]

The devil, which I don't believe in but its fine if you do is in your daughter at least in spirit. I do think praying helps us cope! I do strongly feel there is a higher power!

But I dont think anything will fix your daughter. She does not appear to have a normal heart or goodness in her. Some people dont and its best to stay away. Things that soften most hearts like babies dont move your daughter.

I dont think the drugs did this. Lots of others take drugs but they dont do what your daugjter did and does to hurt people that way. Your daughter in my opinion is different than even other drug addicts, sober or not.

I think you need to protect yourself and stay far from your daughter.

I am very sorry. I know a very nice man who has a daughter like yours. He has one very nice high achieving daughter too. Who knows why this happens? The man and his wife havent seen this dangerous daughter in years. They dont want to. She was once arrested for beating up her mother. Her diagnosis was ASPD.

I think Smithsmom had some very good ideas. We stand with you. But I agree that your changing and accepting is the key to happuness. You have to accept that you can not change the situation. Then move on with the heavy help of therapy/AA or both. NAMI too is good. NAMI may help you to understand ASPD, what they know and what they recommend you do. NAMI is The National Alliance for the Mentally Ill and they help family members of the person to cope.

You seem to be screaming out for help and there IS help for you. Please grab onto help's hand and accept what is there for you. Try to help yourself rather than taking on the futile task of changing your daughter or saving your granddaughter. Right now it is unsafe to do either and your life is precious and you matter!

 

[Jenna0823]

The key to finding happiness in this situation in my opinion is in the AA prayer. You accept that you cannot change your daughter. Giving her money is usually trying to change it. Have you accepted it? Are you trying to change the situation with your grand? You're seemingly doing neither change nor acceptance. Is this true? If neither then you cannot find peace.

Keeping your grand safe is certainly the right thing to do. But putting the responsibility on yourself to keep her from the wrong path isn't right. We cannot keep our childeen from themselves. The path she ultimately takes will not be because she was or wasn't with you.

Worrying about whether she has a tv in her room, how much time she spends outside, etc is not helpful to anyone. Detachment is key here. When these thoughts come to you change the channel.

I dont think i can change the situation with my granddaughter but i feel like i am leaving her in the lions cage. When my daughter relapses i will pounce on that opportunity to get her. My friends say maybe god has a reason for this. Maybe my granddaughter is going to be like my daughter and i am being saved from many more years of torment. I have accepted my daughter is not a nice person. I had hoped she has a conscience by the recent stuff she has done while clean prove she doesnt. I am trying to accept my granddaughter is not with me because i wont be able to get her until my daughter messes up again. My son said ‘mom she is a screw up just wait it out’. I do need help processing this. I have put out some contacts for a counselor and maybe an Alanon group. Its so hard missing my granddaughter and i love her and just want her to have a great life. Until i can successfully and safely do anything i need help accepting it and as you said changing the channel. How do i do that?

 

[Jenna0823]

The devil, which I don't believe in but its fine if you do is in your daughter at least in spirit. I do think praying helps us cope! I do strongly feel there is a higher power!

But I dont think anything will fix your daughter. She does not appear to have a normal heart or goodness in her. Some people dont and its best to stay away. Things that soften most hearts like babies dont move your daughter.

I dont think the drugs did this. Lots of others take drugs but they dont do what your daugjter did and does to hurt people that way. Your daughter in my opinion is different than even other drug addicts, sober or not.

I think you need to protect yourself and stay far from your daughter.

I am very sorry. I know a very nice man who has a daughter like yours. He has one very nice high achieving daughter too. Who knows why this happens? The man and his wife havent seen this dangerous daughter in years. They dont want to. She was once arrested for beating up her mother. Her diagnosis was ASPD.

I think Smithsmom had some very good ideas. We stand with you. But I agree that your changing and accepting is the key to happuness. You have to accept that you can not change the situation. Then move on with the heavy help of therapy/AA or both. NAMI too is good. NAMI may help you to understand ASPD, what they know and what they recommend you do. NAMI is The National Alliance for the Mentally Ill and they help family members of the person to cope.

You seem to be screaming out for help and there IS help for you. Please grab onto help's hand and accept what is there for you. Try to help yourself rather than taking on the futile task of changing your daughter or saving your granddaughter. Right now it is unsafe to do either and your life is precious and you matter!

Yes i do need to be safe. Its peaceful without her contacting me. But it cost me my granddaughter who I always protected and loved and charished and supported and provided for. I gave way more than I should have to my daughter i know that but i was fooled and lied to and manipulated. Yes i need help badly. But i am doing better than a few months ago. Night time i feel sad. I am a nurse and love my work so i have easy days emotionally. I need to accept what she really is. And stay the heck away from her. And just be there when my granddaughter needs me. I send her cards thru the other grandmother and get to say hello to her when my son is on FaceTime every once in a while with her. Its hard to accept that she is gone right now. I need to let go and accept it. Thank you for helping me