Big Bad Kitty
lolcat
That's right.
Let it go. Enjoy the peace.
You hear that? It is peace. Ahhh.
Let it go. Enjoy the peace.
You hear that? It is peace. Ahhh.
to bail or not to bail?
- Thread starter standswithcourage
- Start date
witzend
Well-Known Member
You can't be making a mistake when you do nothing, because it's not your problem. It's his.
Remember my eyeliner tattoo? It's a little dark for a girl who doesn't wear much makeup. I should have gone with the brown.
Just thought I'd say in case you decided you might want to try it...
Scent of Cedar II
New Member
I would be agonizing over what to do just as you are now, Stands.
Where is your husband in all this?
Barbara
Where is your husband in all this?
Barbara
standswithcourage
New Member
My husband says no. He says he is afraid that if he runs or gets kicked out it would be more trouble for him and that we would be responsible for the money. I am not sure. I havent called the bondsmen yet. I am going to let the guy from the Triune Ministry go see my difficult child again. I havent been but twice in 2 months. That is a real first for me. Normally I would be going at least once a week. this time has been harder to go up there. Yes - I want to do what he needs for help - I dont know if the longer he stays in there if it is doing more harm than good but I know he cant get street drugs and he had better not be getting them! I just dont want to neglect something that might help him. Does that make sense?
DammitJanet
Well-Known Member
Stands...
He can get ordered to rehab through the courts and while that still would be considered voluntary, they can tell him that if he manages to get himself kicked out of the program or walks out then he goes straight back to jail or prison. Sometimes that is what it takes to give them the incentive to stay.
He can get ordered to rehab through the courts and while that still would be considered voluntary, they can tell him that if he manages to get himself kicked out of the program or walks out then he goes straight back to jail or prison. Sometimes that is what it takes to give them the incentive to stay.
goldenguru
Active Member
Stands~
Was your son all so interested in attending residential treatment prior to getting sent to jail?
Previously in this thread you mentioned that he had done crack in jail. (???)
So - if he is still doing drugs, I would say that he's not ready to embrace sobriety yet.
Sitting in jail can be a part of his recovery stands. For many addicts, it is one of the most important parts. Let him figure this out.
When he does get out - if he's really serious about recovery there will be many programs available to him.
Remember your job. To love him. To pray for him. To allow him to learn that his choices carry consequences.
Was your son all so interested in attending residential treatment prior to getting sent to jail?
Previously in this thread you mentioned that he had done crack in jail. (???)
So - if he is still doing drugs, I would say that he's not ready to embrace sobriety yet.
Sitting in jail can be a part of his recovery stands. For many addicts, it is one of the most important parts. Let him figure this out.
When he does get out - if he's really serious about recovery there will be many programs available to him.
Remember your job. To love him. To pray for him. To allow him to learn that his choices carry consequences.
Scent of Cedar II
New Member
GG is right, Stands.
Even when you feel you should be doing more, your job is just what GG posted to you.
If it were me, I would print that part of GG's post out and tape it to the fridge or near the phone ~ maybe on the mirror in my bathroom. So much of the battle we parents face has to do with our own expectations of ourselves as parents. It's as though we cannot rest, cannot take joy in anything, as long as one of the kids is in trouble.
It was important for me to learn to disregard those feelings. I needed to do that because when the base of the problem is a child's addiction, the old rules no longer apply and nothing makes sense.
I drove myself to distraction for the longest time.
Years.
Like a pebble tossed into the water, the disturbance created by the addiction of a family member affects every member of the family ~ even extended family.
Whatever our addicted children might have accomplished is not going to happen, now.
For the parents, and for extended family as well, the reality is jail time or losing touch with the addicted member altogether, or trying and trying to help to no avail.
The fallout from the addiction touches all of us, brands and marks us.
That is why it is important for us to remember, just as GG posted, what our roles are.
Where can our energies make a difference, really make a difference?
If we can remember our roles, if we can accept that, much as we want to help, want to change things back, want to make everything alright again for our children, we can't, then we can put ourselves and through us, our famiies, back on the path toward wholeness again.
I may print GG's words out for myself!
I still need to remember that.
And I still forget, and start falling back into wanting to help.
Barbara
standswithcourage
New Member
Dammit Janet - that would be great if they would order him to rehab but I am wondering if they will give him the chance again? That is why I wonder if we should "put" him there so at least he will have a chance - but we have "put" him there before and it didnt work - I dont know!!!!!
everywoman
Well-Known Member
Stands, even if you spend the money to put him in rehab---his criminal case still stands. He will still have to do the time when he gets out of rehab. Just because a person goes to rehab, doesn't mean his jail sentence is wiped away. Any help he can get in rehab---he can also get in jail---if he looks for it and wants it.
standswithcourage
New Member
OK - I guess I was just looking for the "best" place for him to get some help - counselors, etc. instead of the worst. Just me thinking again. thanks for the insight. Tonight he called from a cell phone someone let him use. He said he was working in the jail. He sounded good and said he was doing good. He still wants me to contact his doctor and get his last prescription of Xanax filled. I really dont know what to do about this. He seems to think they will give it to him there but I dont. I told him that - wyhy would they give an addict an addictive drug!
Big Bad Kitty
lolcat
Susan, that should give you your answer right there. He does not need Xanax. He needs to get clean.
If you bail him out, he can run.
If you leave him there, he can decide to get clean WHEN HE IS READY and get clean on HIS timetable. In the meantime, he can't run. You won't be out the money. And he will not be getting into any more trouble.
See where I am coming from?
Hugs.
If you bail him out, he can run.
If you leave him there, he can decide to get clean WHEN HE IS READY and get clean on HIS timetable. In the meantime, he can't run. You won't be out the money. And he will not be getting into any more trouble.
See where I am coming from?
Hugs.
meowbunny
New Member
Stands, I don't get it. You say you don't have the money to pay his bail but still worry about whether you should. You get the same advice over and over and still ask the same questions. You know he needs to do these things for himself and yet you want to do them for him.
He's an adult with an addiction. He's not a little boy with a hurt knee. He's not going to quit because you want him to or even because the court orders him to. He's got to want to quit. You have proof positive that he doesn't want to quit or he wouldn't be asking for the Xanax. Even in jail he's trying to get his drugs. What is this saying to you? Shouldn't it be screaming he's in the safest place he can be? Even a rehab center isn't going to help right now. He wants his drugs. He'll say and do anything to get them. He hasn't changed. Don't you think it's time you did?
Quit worrying about what you think you should do for him. Start doing things for you, your husband, your son at home.
He's an adult with an addiction. He's not a little boy with a hurt knee. He's not going to quit because you want him to or even because the court orders him to. He's got to want to quit. You have proof positive that he doesn't want to quit or he wouldn't be asking for the Xanax. Even in jail he's trying to get his drugs. What is this saying to you? Shouldn't it be screaming he's in the safest place he can be? Even a rehab center isn't going to help right now. He wants his drugs. He'll say and do anything to get them. He hasn't changed. Don't you think it's time you did?
Quit worrying about what you think you should do for him. Start doing things for you, your husband, your son at home.
Big Bad Kitty
lolcat
^ what she said. Verbatim.
rejectedmom
New Member
Well I for one wold be leary about paying to spring him to go to rehab. I have been there done that and it didn't work. FYI if your difficult child really wants to kick his addictions he CAN do it in jail. I have never heard of a jail that didn't have AA meetings. I would let him stay in jail It might be a good deterrant for relapse when he does get out. It seems to be working for my difficult child anyway. -RM
standswithcourage
New Member
I am going to let him stay. My husband says we are not bailing him out and I agree. Especially since he still wants the Xanax. I know he probably thinnks he needs it but I really dont. I do not imagine they will give it to him anyway. So - other than that - he called fronm someones cell phoone while he was working in the kitchen - asks me what I am doing - asks about if I contacted his doctor about his Xanax - asks me if I talked to the PD - etc., I said I talked to the PD about 3 weeks ago and he doesnt say anything - I said Have you? Also I said if he thinks he needs his medicine - he needs to the be the one to write a letter to whoever - It gets me so anxious - I dont know why - and then he says maybe the judge will give hiim time served if he has good behavior! That is all we need - him back on the street, no job, etc - free with time served - no help - I know if he wants help he will have to get it himself - no matter what the court says - they are the legal part - he is the part that needs to help himself - I just know I cant have him live here - that is the part I hate to face again - No you cant live here! I am so tired to facing that - it feels awful but at the same time I cant go through that again - neither can our easy child son - why cant difficult child just say he doesnt want to live at home - so I will let him stay where he is - I just hope they dont let him walk - they are crazy if they do. :rolleyes:
