Totally drowning as a parent

[Searching for answers]

In the beginning of November I was cooking dinner when my 12 year old son came downstairs and told me that my 15 year old son and my 10 year old daughter was doing something funny. I looked at him and said funny how? Like sexually! I called my other 2 children down still cooking dinner trying to keep collecting I said someone needs to start talking and now. My 15 year old son (who has Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD), adhd, ptsd and impulse control) told me that he and his sister had been doing sexual acts for 5 years!

So at this point I feel it is necessary to give you some background. I had only had full custody of my children for 2 1/2 years. I left my ex husband in 2011. My ex husband was abusive and I had suspected at that time of him sexually molesting my daughter. He was on drugs and erratic. I left him a few times before but was always talked into coming back. So I took the kids with me to my father's which was out of state but the safest place to be. When I got to my father's I immediately got a restraining order for the kids and I. Long story short the court gave him custody. I never stopped fighting for my kids. After a horrible abuse incident involving his step son I got full custody of my kids via a CHIPS petition. Since I have had custody my kids have been in weekly individual therapy. My 2 boys also have had mental health socail workers. No one saw any evidence my son molesting my daughter. My daughter did show signs of being molested but I believed it was due to my ex. I have full transparency with the counselors and social workers because all I wanted to do was help my kids.

After finding out that my son had been molesting my daughter I called my therapist who is my daughter's therapist as well. She told me that I needed to call the police and getting my daughter checked out. So I called the police and told them to meet me at the hospital. My son was taken into custody that day. He is currently in a residential treatment facility for sexual issues. My issue is that the treatment facility keeps talking about reunification. I have major issues with this. I don't believe I could have done anything more to prevent this from happening. My children were never left alone. I haven't dated in a long time totally focusing on the kids. I never left them home alone. My therapist wants me to come up with stipulations or things my son needs to work on for reunification. Any ideas on what I could do to guarantee the safety of my daughter with my son living in the same house?

 

[BusynMember]

If it we're me, I would hire an attorney to keep son out of home. That's a ridiculous risk for your young daughter... She has been molested enough. Dad and brother.

This therapist doesn't sound too smart. Your son was probably also molested or watched his dad do it to his sister. That's how most kids become predators. As sad as it is, your son still needs tons of help and there is no way to protect daughter for sure if he is there.

We had a similar situation and we didn't know either. Once we found out the kid had to leave. We did not feel we could know for sure that we would know if he started again. Our littles were too terrified of his constant threats to kill us all if they told on him for them to be good sources of info. Plus our kid also messed with vulnerable other kids...we are lucky other parents didn't sue us for damages. You are liable for a minor childs deeds.

 

[Searching for answers]

Thanks for the response. My therapist I happen to love. The only reason she told me to get a list together is to challenge the facility because they are so pushing on reunification. Yes I am leaning heavily towards a group home for my son I was hoping to get input to challenge the facility. If no one speaks up we can't improve the process. I won't need a lawyer because I have final say on what happens in my house.

 

[BloodiedButUnbowed]

I agree that reunification is a bad idea for all the reasons you and others have listed.

Is your daughter aware that there is even a possibility, however small, that he is due to be released? How is she taking this news?

When does your son turn 18?

 

[Searching for answers]

My son won't be released until at the earliest next January. Oh my daughter loves her brother isn't scared of him and wants him to come home. My son is very aware that his chances of coming home are very slim. What I am looking for is challenges for him, his therapist and the facility. Because they don't get it! I am not sure if they have never had a proactive parent or what. We have a reunification parent meeting next Sunday. I need questions that are valid but will make everyone think. Let's improve the process at the very basic level.

 

[Triedntrue]

I have not experienced this situation firsthand but i agree that you need to consider your daughters safety. I would think that if she is not safe she could be taken away from you for that reason. I think the group home sounds like the best idea for all concerned. There is no reason that if you wish to stay in touch with your son you can do it by visiting and not involve your other children. I do know of an adult woman who was molested by her stepfather the mother refused to believe her and she left as soon as she could. She is completely alienated from her mother her children have never been to her mothers house same with her brothers kids. Lesson you have to protect your kids. You are doing that. it is a shame that due to circumstances beyond your control it is from another child.

 

[AppleCori]

It seems like your son has several things going on with him. Will he be able to support himself and live on his own as an adult? Rather than reunification, I might want to talk to them about finding him a permanent, supervised living situation for adults with disabilities and sex-offender tendencies.

I think the professionals are short-sighted on this. Your daughter loves her brother but, as she goes through puberty and comes into a greater understanding of what happened to her, she might have some different insights.

It just seems like they are not looking out for her best interests.

I have pondered your question, but I just don’t see how even a 100% guarantee that this will never happen again would be enough to allow him back into the home where your daughter lives.

 

[Copabanana]

I believe job corps accepts 16 year olds. It is a free, federal residential job training program located at sites across the country. They accept disabled and special needs youth. Some of the trainings are fantastic.

There is no reason for son to live in the house to rejoin the family. He more than anybody knows why he cannot come back to the house. It would be cruel to him to bring him back. Let alone confusing to daughter.

I would not under any circumstances permit son to live again with daughter. Or daughter with son. The risk would be yours. You would never have one minute of peace. Your daughter could well act out too.

I would get an attorney if it was me and it came to that.

Reasons: well being of all 3 kids. And you.

What a mess. You are a hero.

PS. If there was no other way I would forfeit parental rights. You would be protecting your eldest as well.

 

[Searching for answers]

It seems like your son has several things going on with him. Will he be able to support himself and live on his own as an adult? Rather than reunification, I might want to talk to them about finding him a permanent, supervised living situation for adults with disabilities and sex-offender tendencies.

I think the professionals are short-sighted on this. Your daughter loves her brother but, as she goes through puberty and comes into a greater understanding of what happened to her, she might have some different insights.

It just seems like they are not looking out for her best interests.

I have pondered your question, but I just don’t see how even a 100% guarantee that this will never happen again would be enough to allow him back into the home where your daughter lives.

I totally agree and this is what I am suggesting. His p.o. and others know exactly where I stand but the therapist at the facility is really pushing it. Next Sunday they have a reunification parent meeting that the therapist thinks I need to go to. I need more ideas that challenge them. Because there are a lot of other boys there. I guess the other parents just got with the steps and don't make waves. Give me really tough questions!!

 

[Searching for answers]

I believe job corps accepts 16 year olds. It is a free, federal residential job training program located at sites across the country. They accept disabled and special needs youth. Some of the trainings are fantastic.

There is no reason for son to live in the house to rejoin the family. He more than anybody knows why he cannot come back to the house. It would be cruel to him to bring him back. Let alone confusing to daughter.

I would not under any circumstances permit son to live again with daughter. Or daughter with son. The risk would be yours. You would never have one minute of peace. Your daughter could well act out too. It is not only eldest at the his point.

I would get an attorney if it was me and it came to that.

Reasons: well being of all 3 kids. And you.

What a mess. You are a hero.

PS. If there was no other way I would forfeit parental rights. You would be protecting your eldest as well.

I will check into them thank you so much.

 

[Triedntrue]

the Center for Sex Offender Management (1999) the following are other common traits among juvenile sex offenders.

• Difficulties with impulse control and judgement

• High rates of learning disabilities and academic dysfunction (30% to 60%)

• Mental illness: up to 80% have a diagnosable psychiatric disorder
Looked up some traits maybe these will give you a basis for some questions

 

[Searching for answers]

the Center for Sex Offender Management (1999) the following are other common traits among juvenile sex offenders.

• Difficulties with impulse control and judgement

• High rates of learning disabilities and academic dysfunction (30% to 60%)

• Mental illness: up to 80% have a diagnosable psychiatric disorder
Looked up some traits maybe these will give you a basis for some questions

Thank you. My son has issues with impulse control. He was originally diagnosed with adhd with severe issues with impulse control, he also has been diagnosed with odd,Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD),ptsd it's seems to change every time a new person gets involved. About 2 years ago when he was in a psychiatric ward they told me he was kind of like a real life Sheldon Cooper. He is highly intelligent when it comes to books. But he doesn't have a lot of common sense. "Normal kids" would stop touching stuff it's hot or stop doing something if they got a bad reaction. Not my son!! When he was a toddler he would go put himself in time out with the timer to the exact time and then go do the bad thing. But he is a good kid and has a sweet heart. He honestly was never malicious about the abuse it was a game that they both played. She being younger by far didn't know any better is a victim.

 

[Baggy Bags]

I'm sorry I can't help you with any questions. It's mind-blowing that anyone would think it's feasible that your son go back to your home.
I feel terribly for all of you. The love you have for your children comes through in every single word you write.
How fortunate that you are all getting help. You sound so strong, I hope you are managing to get some down time. (((hugs)))

 

[Searching for answers]

I'm sorry I can't help you with any questions. It's mind-blowing that anyone would think it's feasible that your son go back to your home.
I feel terribly for all of you. The love you have for your children comes through in every single word you write.
How fortunate that you are all getting help. You sound so strong, I hope you are managing to get some down time. (((hugs)))

Thank you and I agree. I am a single parent. My 12 year old has conduct disorder and well let's say my house is never boring. It has been about 4 months since my son was in the home. My daughter still isn't talking about it much. My eldest son has issues on top of the sexual ones it is just too much for one person to handle.

 

[Copabanana]

Totally drowning. Not!

You are doing phenomenally, dealing with a situation nobody, I mean nobody could handle. Most of us would shut down. But not you. Most of us would be curled up in bed in a fetal position. Not you.

You stay present and connected and available and compassionate with each child.

Almost all of us are here with one child and the few with more deal sequentially, typically. I can think only of one mom who deals with two. And you? Three. And having fought for them and having been through unthinkable things yourself. .

And to me what is truly remarkable is how you seem to be able to accept and see each child as s/he is without judgement and shame or anger, not imposing your own needs onto each or reacting to them from a victim stance.

Honestly. I am filled with admiration.

 

[Copabanana]

I do not think there are ways to guarantee your daughter's safety should your son return. And this is not because your son is a predator. Both children will be cued to resume their sexualized relationship by the situation itself. It would be a set up. Almost like giving consent.

We have seen this before where professionals have coerced parents...where there was danger. One can only believe that the system sets this up.... To make parents responsible and liable and to minimize expenditures.

If it were me and son's program speaks of reunification I would say from the get go: we will work on family reunification in a neutral and supervised setting, in a treatment setting, with professionals nearby. But not in our residence. When my son is placed in specialized housing, we can continue family reunification in a supervised neutral place. Period. End of story. It is not in my son's best interest to return home.

You cannot be on the defensive with them. You set the terms. You know best.

When there has been abuse or misconduct between parents, or involving kids, the district attorney in my town insists that visitation transfers be at the courts with officers and social workers nearby.

How is this different?

This is not about harming your son. It is about protecting and supporting him.

 

[Copabanana]

This is a boundaries issue.

Until our kids are mature and strong enough, conscious and sufficiently well-controlled, in themselves and the world--they depend on us, their parents to maintain boundaries to protect them. Even when we no longer can. Part of the reason CD flourishes is that so many of us struggle in this responsibility far longer than should be age appropriate.

As toddlers we restrained them from running into the street. We contained them with playpens. As they get older the nature of the boundaries changes. But we stil are called upon to hold the line. At least as long as we are legally responsible.

There are times when nothing we do can make them safe with us. And the action we must take is selfless and against what we would want or others feel we should do.

This is the set up of bringing son home. With one fell swoop any safe container vanishes. For son, you, daughter. You know this. There is no way all the responsibility (and potential culpability) should be placed on your son. The situation will trigger him. Will trigger your daughter. Will trigger you. For no good reason. Why go there? For what?

There is history that cannot be erased. His, hers, yours, younger son's. It can be integrated and dealt with. Over time. But re-immersion to me is not the answer. Not at home where there are triggers but no safeties or stops.

That is cruel to him. It would be the situation which would be culpable. But your son would be the fall guy.

I would resist it with all my might. For him. Most of all.

We are responsible in the last resort to maintain them safe. That is what your intuition is telling you.