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Trying to Detach...again
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<blockquote data-quote="newstart" data-source="post: 747341" data-attributes="member: 22416"><p>Dear Beta, I feel your hurt and pain and I understand each and every word you have wrote. There are no words to describe the intense pain, agony and confusion a mother feels when being disrespected and horrified by the actions of an off track adult child. No matter what we fill our time and energy with our child keeps coming to the forefront because the love for them keeps coming to the forefront. I work on just that, trying to find balance and try to mend my heart on a regular basis. I cry often and lately at least once a day, the tears clear my head and I feel the pressure release. I do have to tell you that when I made the decision to cut ties with my daughter for 3 months, I mean cut and severed, I felt immediate relief and I gained my self respect back. I cried often sometimes 3 times a day but dealing with her awful attitude and abusive words were too much for my heart. My daughter treated me so bad that I am embarrassed to admit I had tolerated it as long as I did and I worked on it and with it for many years until I just could not do it anymore. I took down the pictures of her in my home and completely disconnected from her and if she decides to ever get to those levels again, I will cut her out again and she knows this.. The way she treated me was a living death and I had to make it end.</p><p></p><p>After a while and with me being absent she began to change slowly and for the better. I was ok if that was going to be the end of our relationship because the abuse was so bad that it was making me ill in all areas. Do I really want a person in my life that is so awful?</p><p></p><p>How I allowed her back into my life is a wonder of the world. I love her dearly but hated the abuse. Had I not seen a definite change I would still not be talking to her.</p><p>Beta, I understand that nothing or no one can take the place of your child, a child you have given your all to. The rejection is what is so painful and the fact that most of us have done nothing but been kind and loving to that child. I would NEVER allow anyone to treat me like my daughter did, I would never have anything to do with them yet I made exceptions for my daughter.</p><p></p><p>I have read so many stories that these troubled children take major advantage of their aging parents. I have to constantly protect myself and finances from my own daughter.</p><p></p><p>When my son was alive I knew 500% that he would have had our best interest in mind when making decisions about our care. I trusted him knowing that he loved us deeply and would never abuse or harm us in ways that our daughter has. Even though my son was almost 14 when he passed, he was mature, loving, kind, honest and genuinely cared deeply for us and all his loved ones. I miss him so much. </p><p></p><p>Just the other day I told my daughter I would buy her a pair of pants for her up coming birthday. She grabbed 3 pair and put them in my cart. I said one pair of pants.. I paid for all 3 of them and did not say a word because I was afraid of a major fight. I am ashamed of myself for not sticking up and saying I was going to pay for just one pair. This week I am going to therapy to find out why the H I did not stick up for myself when she was taking advantage again. It is close to my son's death date and I get feeling very weak and not wanting conflict. I am actively working on this problem of mine and doing away with it.</p><p>Sorry to get off track with your post Beta, just want you to know I know the depth of your pain, my deepest sincere prayers are with you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="newstart, post: 747341, member: 22416"] Dear Beta, I feel your hurt and pain and I understand each and every word you have wrote. There are no words to describe the intense pain, agony and confusion a mother feels when being disrespected and horrified by the actions of an off track adult child. No matter what we fill our time and energy with our child keeps coming to the forefront because the love for them keeps coming to the forefront. I work on just that, trying to find balance and try to mend my heart on a regular basis. I cry often and lately at least once a day, the tears clear my head and I feel the pressure release. I do have to tell you that when I made the decision to cut ties with my daughter for 3 months, I mean cut and severed, I felt immediate relief and I gained my self respect back. I cried often sometimes 3 times a day but dealing with her awful attitude and abusive words were too much for my heart. My daughter treated me so bad that I am embarrassed to admit I had tolerated it as long as I did and I worked on it and with it for many years until I just could not do it anymore. I took down the pictures of her in my home and completely disconnected from her and if she decides to ever get to those levels again, I will cut her out again and she knows this.. The way she treated me was a living death and I had to make it end. After a while and with me being absent she began to change slowly and for the better. I was ok if that was going to be the end of our relationship because the abuse was so bad that it was making me ill in all areas. Do I really want a person in my life that is so awful? How I allowed her back into my life is a wonder of the world. I love her dearly but hated the abuse. Had I not seen a definite change I would still not be talking to her. Beta, I understand that nothing or no one can take the place of your child, a child you have given your all to. The rejection is what is so painful and the fact that most of us have done nothing but been kind and loving to that child. I would NEVER allow anyone to treat me like my daughter did, I would never have anything to do with them yet I made exceptions for my daughter. I have read so many stories that these troubled children take major advantage of their aging parents. I have to constantly protect myself and finances from my own daughter. When my son was alive I knew 500% that he would have had our best interest in mind when making decisions about our care. I trusted him knowing that he loved us deeply and would never abuse or harm us in ways that our daughter has. Even though my son was almost 14 when he passed, he was mature, loving, kind, honest and genuinely cared deeply for us and all his loved ones. I miss him so much. Just the other day I told my daughter I would buy her a pair of pants for her up coming birthday. She grabbed 3 pair and put them in my cart. I said one pair of pants.. I paid for all 3 of them and did not say a word because I was afraid of a major fight. I am ashamed of myself for not sticking up and saying I was going to pay for just one pair. This week I am going to therapy to find out why the H I did not stick up for myself when she was taking advantage again. It is close to my son's death date and I get feeling very weak and not wanting conflict. I am actively working on this problem of mine and doing away with it. Sorry to get off track with your post Beta, just want you to know I know the depth of your pain, my deepest sincere prayers are with you. [/QUOTE]
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