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Trying to Detach...again
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 747360" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Hi Beta, I am so sorry that you or any of us are dealing with this. It is tough to have our kids grow into adulthood with issues that shift our relationship with them. </p><p>With me it is akin to a grieving process, the difference being our kids are still walking this earth. That makes it infinitely more difficult, because there are <em>possibilities. </em></p><p>Trying to make sense of any of it is mind boggling, because it makes no sense. I can say, it’s the drugs, or mental health issues either caused by drug use or maybe pre existing, who knows? </p><p>Whether it be a biological child, or adopted, the plain truth is that none of us could have imagined <em>this</em> being down the road as we held them, poured all of our love and hearts toward raising them. </p><p></p><p>Simply put.</p><p>Kids grow up and seek their own lives.</p><p></p><p></p><p>My eldest is 39, I have not seen or spoken with her since last summer. The other day, she called her sister asking if my number had changed, said she was thinking of visiting. It’s been a few days.............nothing. </p><p>It becomes at times like a cruel game. I don’t think that is always their intent, but.......</p><p> I have to look at what <em>my reaction is. </em></p><p>I have to admit, fear of reconnecting is there, yes I miss her, but so not the chaos and drama. Hope that maybe she is ready to get off the streets? Relief that she is alive. Wondering what she <em>wants</em>. </p><p>Then I judge myself as cold and indifferent. Then I defend myself, reminding myself that it has been a long hard road and I have to protect my heart. So much more running through my head, as I go about the daily grind. </p><p>All of this over a phone call that wasn’t my conversation in the first place. </p><p>Round and round we go.</p><p>And so it is.</p><p>It has been years for me, with two off the rail adult kids. </p><p>So, I try to honor my own feelings and process them. Each time, I get a little stronger. I have my moments, slip ups, I fall. I get up. </p><p>I feel you, the sadness, dismay, wanting to keep relationship, the yearning for things to be, just <em>regular</em>. Wanting to know how your son is doing, the unanswered questions just running rampant. We have all gone through, and sometimes (for me at least) still go through this.</p><p>This is the thing. Keep working on yourself, build yourself up. You walk this path and you are not alone, but you will figure out a way to make it <em>your</em> journey.</p><p> I have to believe that there is something to be learned from being here. That’s the only way I can make some sense out of it all. Maybe it’s that along the way in raising them, we’ve lost a part of ourselves. We lose more of ourselves iniatially trying desperately to solve issues we have absolutely no control over. Then even more as we become their targets, and allow abuse.</p><p>Maybe in finding our way back to ourselves, to our own potential and meaning, we shine the light for them to do the same.</p><p>(((Hugs)))</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 747360, member: 19522"] Hi Beta, I am so sorry that you or any of us are dealing with this. It is tough to have our kids grow into adulthood with issues that shift our relationship with them. With me it is akin to a grieving process, the difference being our kids are still walking this earth. That makes it infinitely more difficult, because there are [I]possibilities. [/I] Trying to make sense of any of it is mind boggling, because it makes no sense. I can say, it’s the drugs, or mental health issues either caused by drug use or maybe pre existing, who knows? Whether it be a biological child, or adopted, the plain truth is that none of us could have imagined [I]this[/I] being down the road as we held them, poured all of our love and hearts toward raising them. Simply put. Kids grow up and seek their own lives. My eldest is 39, I have not seen or spoken with her since last summer. The other day, she called her sister asking if my number had changed, said she was thinking of visiting. It’s been a few days.............nothing. It becomes at times like a cruel game. I don’t think that is always their intent, but....... I have to look at what [I]my reaction is. [/I] I have to admit, fear of reconnecting is there, yes I miss her, but so not the chaos and drama. Hope that maybe she is ready to get off the streets? Relief that she is alive. Wondering what she [I]wants[/I]. Then I judge myself as cold and indifferent. Then I defend myself, reminding myself that it has been a long hard road and I have to protect my heart. So much more running through my head, as I go about the daily grind. All of this over a phone call that wasn’t my conversation in the first place. Round and round we go. And so it is. It has been years for me, with two off the rail adult kids. So, I try to honor my own feelings and process them. Each time, I get a little stronger. I have my moments, slip ups, I fall. I get up. I feel you, the sadness, dismay, wanting to keep relationship, the yearning for things to be, just [I]regular[/I]. Wanting to know how your son is doing, the unanswered questions just running rampant. We have all gone through, and sometimes (for me at least) still go through this. This is the thing. Keep working on yourself, build yourself up. You walk this path and you are not alone, but you will figure out a way to make it [I]your[/I] journey. I have to believe that there is something to be learned from being here. That’s the only way I can make some sense out of it all. Maybe it’s that along the way in raising them, we’ve lost a part of ourselves. We lose more of ourselves iniatially trying desperately to solve issues we have absolutely no control over. Then even more as we become their targets, and allow abuse. Maybe in finding our way back to ourselves, to our own potential and meaning, we shine the light for them to do the same. (((Hugs))) Leafy [/QUOTE]
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