Trying to Understand

[mother101]

Hello, I am new to the sight. Thank you for accepting me. My situation is very complicated and I am trying my best to understand why my Daughter is acting the way she is. So let me start my story from happenings right now. My Daughter is 42 years of age. She is an only child, married with 3 beautiful girls. I love my daughter, but she has it in her head that I am a Narcissist. I have read nearly every blog she has written on the sight in Facebook called "Surviving Daughter's of Narcissistic Mother's". I have read other internet blogs she has joined. Some things she says is correct, but 75% of what is written is mostly fabricated. Words she has added or taken out to make her the victim. She lost her Dad to Cancer in 1996. From there our relationship pretty much went South. She made me a No Contact Family member in June 2020, I have tried for two years now to reconcile, but in December of 2021 finally gave up. I surrendered my life to Christ and was Baptized in Dec 2021, but worshipped Christ since I was Diagnosed with Lung Cancer in 2011. I am a Cancer Survivor all thanks to My Heavenly Father, Husband, Sister, Step-Daughter's and Doctor's. My daughter communicated but still had distance. My question for you is this, what would you do if you were in my shoes. Please, I only want Positive feedback. If this were your daughter and you truly wanted the relationship what would it take as you wait her out to see if she will come to you. Thank you!

 

[BusynMember1]

I have one daughter who won't talk to us because we cut off the money supply and it was very painful at first. I suggest joining Facebooks Estranged Parents sites and/or joing a Zoom Families Anonymous Meeting (you can find them all on then internet) and definitely a therapist to help you help yourself. I see a therapist and go to a 12 Step group on Zom and am feeling good. This sad estrangement dynamic is a pandemic now, with all the internet junk about "toxic, narcissist parents" out there. Family is not what it used to be.
Going after estranged kids is more apt to tick them off than bring them back (see the MANY estranged parents FB sites). Unfortunately the sadness of estrangement is difficult and nothing magical changes them but you have all the power to change yourself and feel whole again. I recommend reading everything you can on the topic. Most estrangements are very similar, especially their made up memories of how you raised them. The fact that your daughter still communicates at all is a plus. Some do not.


I am sorry you are on this path and that I can't tell you what to do to get her to return. I know that's what you want to hear. You have probably done everything there is to do t.o repair the relationship. There are only finite things you can do.

Love and hugs.

 

[good vibes]

Victim Mentality can be a serious issue. Unfortunately, it can be a by-product of self help type groups. A person becomes immersed in the belief that they are helpless, that they are a perennial victim and others are to blame for their actions. So, it can be the opposite of the desired outcome which is to deal with the past to empower the person going forward. The internet blog may be an attention seeking activity. You don't necessarily need to deal with it - the internet is a place of fantasy for many people, sadly, to many, their cyber fantasies can become confused with real memories. I would stop reading those blogs, they're causing you pain. I know this is hard as it's one of the few connections to her, but it isn't healthy for you. If you can't go 'cold turkey', at least consider a break. Use your faith to prevent yourself from peeking.

So, should you reach out again? Yes, things always change and you never know what is happening with her own daughters and when she begins to identify your parenting traits within herself, but you'll also have to respect her decision if she doesn't want to engage. As her mother, you should play the 'adult' role in seeking reconciliation. Children sometimes have trouble with letting go, responsible adults know that skill. If you have a breakthrough, here's some thoughts on handling the victim mentality. You should empathize with pain caused by actual events, but you should never allow a falsehood to stand as fact. She may become combative and insist, victims often insist on their victimization - some may have internalized false events to the point of believing them. However, you just shouldn't allow it. It's also ok to talk about your pain if she makes untruthful allegations to you. She's actually making a victim of you. You want to emphasize that you want to have a relationship with her, but you have to have boundaries based on the truth. It may not work, but if you don't set that boundary, it'll be hard to have a relationship with her that isn't based on vilifying you.

 

[Nandina]

Hi Mother101,

I’m so sorry your daughter chooses to hurt you this way. I don’t know that I can give any advice you haven’t already tried to mend the relationship. But I would not give up as long as she is open to some communication, and it is not hurting your heart so much that you are having trouble coping. But I would definitely insist on being treated with decency.

If I may ask, what is your relationship with the grandchildren? Do you get to see them or does your daughter use them as pawns? Are they old enough to maintain a relationship with you on their own?

I had some thoughts about at least trying to maintain contact with them if you can, sending letters or cards, gifts, etc. If it were me, I would want to make sure my grandchildren knew who I was and that they were loved. After all, they are going to grow up someday and it’s possible they might want to know me.

But what I understand from being on this forum is that as punishment estranged children will do their best to keep the grandchildren estranged as well.

As others have said, please get support in whatever method works for you and be good to yourself. And as you are a praying person, continue to pray for the relationship to heal. I will pray too and will keep you and your daughter in my thoughts. Keep posting.

Many hugs