Twisted Thinking

[Nomad]

Can you relate?

Last night difficult child got into a MAJOR fight with her new boyfriend. Soooo loud that stuff was broken, no doubt other people heard....repercussions could be felt (what a surprise...NOT!). She basically shows no remorse and/or accountability for this fight...although she was the one doing all the yelling, etc. NO understanding at all that her actions/behaviors continue to lead to horrible turmoil. It's not other people...it's her...but she ain't gettin it!

The fight was about who had the worst childhood. difficult child comes from a two parent home and was very much wanted, lived in a nice neighbohood, went to private school when she messed up at public school, had many friends in her youth, expensive tutors when she needed them, had a housekeeper when she was messy teen, had a therapist and a psychiatrist....most of her life....and she has a roof over her head currently. (not in our home though!)
Her boyfriend (seems nice...who knows) has two drug addicted parents and lived mostly in poverty with his grandmother and moved out when he was 18 always struggling to find a place to stay.

difficult child is currently playing the card that her childhood was very difficult.

Sigh.

So, have you all heard this one before? Why would anyone argue that their life is WORSE than yours? More excuses...and this one is just sooooooo TWISTED and exaggerated it is ridiculous.

They called us for help...we ignored them. Felt bad for the boy. Eventually they worked it out...but it did get rather ugly for a short period of time. If there are repercussions...so be it.

A good friend of mine says her difficult child sister learned about repercussions for bad behavior around the age of 40.

I can only hope that it is sooner than that....only time will tell and only difficult child herself can do this work.


Sigh and UGH.

 

[CrazyinVA]

Oh yeah, I can relate. "Cause and effect" seems to be a pretty subjective term to our difficult children. It's more like, "well if you hadn't said that to me, I wouldn't have had to yell at you!" The concept of "agreeing to disagree?" Even more foreign.

I hear ya, big time.

 

[DammitJanet]

Both Cory and Jamie's women are like this. Drama queens to the max. It makes me tired.

I keep saying I cant figure out why they would pick such women but people turn and stare at me. What? Me!

Mumbles to self....yeah...boys marry their mothers...yeah yeah.

 

[Star*]

This is a simple case of "I want to be the victim, pity me, I'm not getting enough attention, I think I see that kids who have horrible parents in after-school movies get attention by the boatload from everyone and I want that." Loosely put? It's a whizzing contest and she wants to win.

The best thing to do? Exactly what you did. Stay out of it. If this man insists on playing house with your grown daughter (notice I did not say boy or girl because at some point when they go out on their own and set up house they need to be given the latitude of GROWN, ADULT and treated as such) then he should be told flat out:
You're a grown man living with a grown woman- handle your business.
She should be told flat out:
You're a grown woman living with a grown man, grown people don't call Mommy and Daddy to solve things for them. - handle your business.

I'd leave them with that thought.

 

[Hound dog]

The high point to all this? At least she's not living with you. lol

((hugs))

 

[TheyAreLegallyAdultsNow]

I recognize it! Very familiar behavior for my difficult children. Hang in there Nomad!

(((((((((((((HUGS!!!)))))))))))))

 

[TheyAreLegallyAdultsNow]

Great advice Star!

 

[Nomad]

Thanks everyone.
Star...great comment (s). Awesome wisdom and enjoy the humor (whizzing.....heee hee).
As a side note...husband and are content with our response (or should I say non-response) to that call.
It was stressful, but we knew immediately how we were going to handle it.
TALAN...had a feeling you might relate. (Hugs).
Crazy/VA...Cause & Effect....Yep, either they can't see a connection or the connection is twisted. Similar to what Star says. difficult child has to make us out to be bad guys and she out to be the victim. This gets her off the hook when it comes to responsibility. She doesn't feel good about her own personal abilities. And she uses the idea that she is a victim as a coping mechanism. Without this excuse, her coping mechanism is gone and she will have to do the hard work of asking for help IF needed, working very hard, being responsible, accountable and most importantly...moving forward.
Janet...Had to chuckle & smile when you said that some folks say boys marry their moms. Who knows, really, However, that made me feel good. 'Cause our son married a really nice girl who husband and I both like. (Thank G-d). Our son is really straight laced (another Thank G-d) and I think his decision on the type of gal he married had much to do with who he is, etc. Hang in there...

p.s.
Just stumbled across this...."Shallow men believe in luck, strong men believe in cause and effect."
Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

[Star*]

That Ralph - SO wise a man ever was.

 

[TerryJ2]

Coming in late here ... I'm so sorry about difficult child's continuing issues and so glad you didn't get involved.
Interesting, great comments here.
Keep breathing, Nomad.