Unloading...

[blackgnat]

Hello, to my good friends. I haven't been on here for a while and haven't had the "need" to, since Aaron died. That's not really true-I haven't found the support that equals anything like I had here, when he was alive and we were all going through such hell.

It's 9 months today since he was found dead of an accidental overdose. Just sat down against someone's garage wall and gave up his spirit.The autopsy and toxicology reports said he had Oxycontin, crystal meth, marijuana and alcohol in his system. I have no medical education, but it seems like he was kind of healthy, believe it or not. I don't think it was suicide, my theory is that he took as much as he could every day and if he woke up the next day, he'd just do it all again and if he didn't, then that was okay, too.

It's hard not to be haunted by the way he lived, how tormented he was, why did he make the choices he did, how sad and afraid he must have been. Yet he kept on refusing help. I haven't really had the courage yet to go over my posts here, but I know it'll help-I just can't seem to find the balance between wanting him not to be dead (but I guess to be living on MY terms, i.e. taking the clean and sober path) and remembering what a fun and smart guy he was when he was straight and also reminding myself of all the he put me through, how much space he took up in my head, how afraid I was of him, how cruel he could be, etc. Who was the REAL Aaron?

I'm not sure why I'm writing this-I just remember him telling me that he was treated like a rat on the streets. He was loved, had a great childhood, etc but there was a hole in him that could never be filled and he chose to run with the feeling that he was worthless.

I'm sorry to be using this incredible site as a sounding board and a therapy session, but I have always found so much help and caring and compassion here that it was the only place I could think of, to unload the way I'm feeling today. So many people say, "Well, he's out of his misery now", but for some reason, that doesn't really comfort me. I'd like to see and hug and kiss him one more time and I will NEVER feel that I did as much as I could. I'm so sorry I couldn't save him from his demons...

Peace and love to you all and thanks for reading.

 

[BusynMember]

Blackgnat, I am so glad to hear from you. For pity sakes, vent all you like! That is why we are here! I feel as if I knew Aaran a little from your posting....and your love and caring were so obvious. You gave your dear son your heart on your sleeve, even at your worst. And his. I am sure he knew how much you loved him and still do.

Post whenever you like or feel the need.

Love and prayers.

 

[BloodiedButUnbowed]

Thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry for the loss of your Aaron. On Labor Day, we very nearly lost our youngest son to a suicide attempt. Thank God he did not succeed. He is still hospitalized and continues to recover.

Everyone here gets it like nobody else can.

Peace be with you.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Good to see you BG. I'm so glad you've joined us again. Your voice is so valuable.

I can't imagine the sorrow and pain you've felt these last months......you've lived the nightmare we all face here. Your words and sentiments are vitally important for us to hear.....thanks for sharing your journey.

I am so very sorry for your loss. I've thought about you often over the months, always sending you prayers and warm wishes. I think your pondering is all in the realm of reason and sounds to me as if you are attempting to reconcile the irreconcilable..... what we do a lot of around here.....

I recall reading many years ago that we come here to complete a mission and when that mission is complete, we leave. You don't know how many lives your son touched, or what his destiny was, perhaps he completed his destiny, his mission. He loved you BG, that came across in your posts. He would want you to have peace of mind. There's no figuring any of it out. There are not always reasons or justifications, we don't always get to understand......

I'm sure this has been a nightmare for you of epic proportions. And, it likely doesn't feel this way, but you sound clear and on your way thru this sorrow. It is a hard place to be but you are evolving.

You really did do everything possible to save your son. There is no more you could have done, or said. You had no control over his choices. Let the guilt go.

Let the guilt go.

There is nothing else you could have done to save him.
He was the master of his ship.
He made his choices.
You don't have to suffer anymore.

Sending you heartfelt prayers for peace of mind, serenity and comfort. God bless.

 

[Lil]

BG, I can't imagine your pain and sadness and I'm just so sorry for your loss. I can't think of a thing you could have done that you did not. I pray you do find comfort eventually.

Please, come and vent any time.

 

[Tanya M]

Hi BG, so good to hear from you.

You have had to deal with the worst kind of pain. All you have been through, you sound good. I think it's very healthy that you are taking time to reflect and that you are being real about it, not sugar coating it.
I'm so glad that you are here sharing with us. You will always be part of this little "family" we have and you share anytime you want.

Sending you lots of love and hugs!!!!

 

[so ready to live]

BG-hugs. I remember your post when Aaron died and I think many of us swallowed hard thinking "that may be our son someday". From reading back I too know you did all you possibly could. I believe the real Aaron was the funny, smart one who had a great childhood and knew he was loved. His demons didn't come from you, his response to them was not a reflection of you. Hold yourself ever so gently as you walk through this and thank you for sharing with us, it means more than you know. Prayers.

 

[RN0441]

BG

I also have though of you often and am so glad you have stopped by to say hi.

I'm sure it's impossible to make any sense out of any of it. I cannot make sense out of our son and his choices either. He also had a great childhood and has a loving family. We are still not giving up but it is truly exhausting. It does not sound like your son did that on purpose.

You area good mother and did everything you could have done to save him. God had other plans for him. You must find peace with that.

We are mothers but we do not control the universe (not my quote but I like it).

 

[Albatross]

BG, it is so nice to "see" you here. I have wondered so many times how you are doing. It is hard to believe it has been 9 months.

I too think that the "real" Aaron was the fun and smart Aaron, but his overarching need to get out of his own head space pushed the "real" Aaron down. It is so hard to understand the addict's brain, but I too think that, though the addict was cruel and frightening, Aaron loved you very much.

And I like to think that on the other side he has been able to see all of this clearly, to "fill" that hole that no one could access, and to find peace.

I am not sure one would *EVER* stop wondering if they did enough after surviving the death of their child, BG. Those feelings are completely normal and completely understandable, regardless of how much we did or didn't do. But I followed your posts closely and I know that you did everything, EVERYTHING, a mother could have done.

I hope you will continue posting and keeping us updated on how you are doing.

 

[pasajes4]

I am sending you gentle hugs and prayers for peace. I can not imagine the pain of losing your beloved son to his addiction. We are here for you. I think that everyone on this site always wonder what else could we have done to help our children. Sadly, we don't posses that power.

 

[pigless in VA]

Black gnat,

Yes, the people here are a soft place to land, regardless of the circumstances.

I think some people are resistant to love. They cannot feel what we feel for them, and they cannot value themselves.

I lost my husband, Lloyd, the same way you lost Aaron: to the substances. He turned his back on me and his children to chase highs which quickly turned to lows. He said things to me that were inexcusable. I found my journals from that time and was blown away by the things I had forgotten. I suggest that you allow more time to pass before you reread your posts here. It is simply too soon and your pain too raw.

There really isn't any comfort to be found when someone you loved lived a miserable life. I keep reminding myself that I don't want my life to be like that. I want joy and love and peace.

 

[Littleboylost]

BG
We are in he throws of this madness.

When you say
He was loved, had a great childhood, etc but there was a hole in him that could never be filled and he chose to run with the feeling that he was worthless.

It reaonaltes with me. There is a hole in my child I can not fill. We can not fill. We gave him a great childhood also.

These days it's hard to feel anything but stressed and sad. Working on detachment.