Update:difficult child's been kicked out of school for the year

[Mom2oddson]

To catch everyone up:
Aug 06, difficult child told lies so that difficult child-mother in law would take him in. difficult child continued to be a difficult child and almost destroyed mother in law/father in law's marriage. They wanted us to take him back in Dec 06 - we refused. Said you wanted him for the school year - you have him.

July 07, difficult child moved back in. He didn't like our impossible rules (maintain a C- average to have a life). At the end of Oct 07 difficult child declared that he was old enough to run his own life. He was an adult. We decided to agree with him. Our pocketbook was closed to him. He could run his own life. With in a week he was living with his 15yr old girlfriend. (At least she's 16 now).

The beginning of April difficult child go kicked out of school. He couldn't get back in until a parent came to help him get back in. husband decided to be nice. It lasted for 2 days before he was kicked out of school until next year. husband won't rescue him this time.

So, here he is, 17, living with his girlfriend. Her parents are difficult children too. They have three different houses in three different counties and never stay at the same place for more than a week. Most of the time difficult child and his girlfriend live alone in this house. Anyways, he has no education, no job, no desire to get a job, he's started smoking.... I have no idea what is going to happen to him. And husband says he is NOT moving back home if girlfriend kicks him out.

Most of the time, I do pretty good being detached. I'm enjoying my life with the other two kids. We laugh in our house now. There are times that difficult child is on the back burner of my mind. But, there are days that I just want to cry because my heart is broken over difficult child.

Someone here once said "The stakes are so high with our difficult children that whether or not they like or love us is beside the point"... that always kept me trying. But now, I have to change my thought patterns. I can't help difficult child. He refuses help. He refuses to help himself. And still my heart breaks because I love him so.

 

[WhymeMom?]

Have stood in similar shoes, YOU WILL GET PAST THIS...... Until he wakes up and tried to find a different way to live things won't change. Getting kicked out of girlfriends house would be a positive thing because that might make him see that he can't make it on his own with no job, no education and no place to live. They have to fall down before they get up.....its never easy with difficult children..... Sending peaceful thoughts your way......

 

[meowbunny]

For many of our kids, they really do have to hit bottom before they even begin to try. For now, he isn't even close. It is heartbreaking for us. We're stuck on the sidelines watching the train coming down the tracks and are helpless to push our kids to safety. They. won't. let. us. They'll let us let them use us. They'll let us bail them out time after time but they won't let us teach them what they need to survive. So, it is the hard way for them. Stinks, but .....

I really do understand your pain, worry, fears. At least you've found a way to have some laughter and joy in your home. As much as possible, leave him on the back burner. When he comes to forefront, grieve and then let the grief go when you can. You're entitled to the happiness. The sadness is reasonable.

 

[Mom2oddson]

Being surrounded by people with PCs, you don't get the understanding that you get here. Thank You!! I really needed the comfort that you give me.

I needed someone who would understand my grief and still understand why I can't do anything about it. I've heard too many "well, don't let him's" lately.

If and when difficult child hits bottom, I just hope he isn't so stubborn that he grabs a shovel and keeps digging! It's going to be a very hard road. He threw his glasses away a couple of years ago. He'll be out of contacts in a couple of months. He's 20/80 without the contacts. Don't know how he'll even be able to see to get around when he runs out of contacts.... Don't know what he's going to do when he wears out all of his clothes, especially when he's too good to wear anything but Abacrombe or Holister. They don't have those at good will all that often....

I have a feeling that it's going to be a very long road too. difficult child is the master charmer. He'd be a perfect con-man. The parents of all his friends think he is the sweetest kid they ever met. They would come up to us in the store to tell us how wonderful our boy was and how much they just love him. As long as he can keep charming people, I don't see him hitting bottom for a long while.

 

[meowbunny]

Sounds kind of like my daughter but she would wear her welcome out quickly and never had anything lined up for when she was told to leave. A few times of this and mom finally saying no more to financing her return home and she finally got smart.

So, it may take him a long time to hit bottom but unless he turns himself around, bottom he will hit -- sooner or later people figure out the truth and basically say you ain't family, there's the door. He really does sound a lot like mine -- not on drugs, just things age means entitlement and, of course, an absolute refusal to be responsible. Remember, my daughter cycled through the house and friends off and on for 3 years. This time around, she moved out of the house the right way -- got a good roommate (steady, dependable, quiet), signed a lease, is working full time. As strange as it sounds, I truly think your son will do the same thing. It just takes the being truly homeless for a few days or more to get the message across that this is not the way to live. The one thing you may have to do (I did) was let him know that he was loved and welcome to come home when he was truly ready to follow the rules (and don't kick yourself if you let him in and he goes back to old ways very quickly ... it's a large learning curve).

HUGS

 

[Star*]

Mom2OddSon

You now - The thoughts you wrote could have been right out of my own head. The part about being on the back burner and not helping.

Isn't it the most crazy game you have ever played in your life? I mean really - think about it. You have a child like ours, and you do what you think will help him. Then a few years down the road he gets SO unmanageable in his behavior you turn to others for help and you get people that YOU think as a tired, worn out Mom and NOT a fresh psychiatrist with a degree or a teacher, or therapist or counselor - will have not all; but some answers for you? And so you agree to do whatever it is they suggest. You pump your kid full of pills, or you find holistic remedies or both. You go to the therapist, and you drag him along or you go or the whole family goes or all of the above.

And you turn to the school for help and they have butt boring meeting after butt boring meeting and accomplish nothing but a break for them and time out of work for you. Yet we still try. And you come here - and you cry, or you scream or you pray, or you chant or you rattle beads, and you being to nearly head to the crossroads before someone jerks you back into reality and says "No - you've done ALL YOU CAN DO, now you have to TOUGH LOVE him."

And you're left scratching your already tired head asking "Tough what?" "Detachment 101 huh?" "How do I?" "WHY didn't I do this before?" and then somewhere amongst the fabric softner sheets and throwing in another load of clothes that are NOT your son's because YOU are doing the TOUGH LOVE THING and his clothes won't be washed in your home - you sit and cry and s-uck up tears and have that all out snotty nose thing going on and cry so hard you laugh - because you realize - it's not really HIM that is getting the tough love - it's you. And you HAVE to do it for yourself, for your husband, for your other kids, for your dogs, for your parents - because if you don't - and you choose to continue helping him -

???????????????????????????????????????????????????????

It NEVER ends - ever. And then instead of TWO people or more being miserable over his choices (whether you feel he can control it or not, or he's mentally ill, or not, or just going to grow out of it someday and come home arms open) there is just him, and his choices, and his life, and it's HIS....and you find accepting THAT on some level is how you are really dealing with letting him go. Because as a Mom - they're never out of our minds. Not long. They're ours. Their small hands, their little soft voices, their hair, their boo-boos, their past their present their future - it's all there. We just have to turn it off before it consumes us and we're left NOT being of any use.

And then that makes us feel guilty - so we learn not to talk about "HIM" or "Wonder what he's doing today" to almost anyone in the world but the people here - because we know if we bring it up in our homes - we get "the look" and we dont' dare want the "look". The "Look" means we're thinking about him and that may lead to crying and that leads to others getting mad because we're having a moment to remember our dreams that we laid down to allow our children to live their own lives while we live ours, just not in the way we had dreamed it when they were born. So many changes and so many dissapointments - it's hard some days to swallow or breathe when you hear someone talking about their kids and his or her accomplishments. Maybe envy - maybe hate, maybe just longing for any or some of what everyone else seems to have, but we got ripped off.

And THAT is how I know where you are coming from - THAT is how I know what the back burner is. And that - is how I feel most days about my own son who I hope is in the category that "eventually grows up and comes home with arms open" because I doing the best I can without my kid who I think should be here and should have had school plays and little league and pictures, and birthdays and Christmas' and Easter and prom, graduation - and while I MISSED all those things - I'm ever hopeful because he is alive and I'm doing the TOUGH LOVE. Or more aptly Parent Survival Skills. I don't think our dreams ever really go away - we just adjust them until there isn't anything worth adjusting.

Hugs and Love to you -You aren't alone.
Star

 

[KTMom91]

Star*...you said exactly what I have been trying to say. And you said it beautifully. Thank you.

 

[Abbey]

Great advice. The only thing I could add is a caution that some people's 'rock bottom' is a LOT lower than we can tolerate. Heck, my bottom is not getting my Taco Bell every day.

Fingers crossed for your family. Glad you're getting some peace.

Abbey

 

[Mom2oddson]

Star, what you said has been running through my head all day. It's so true - down to the snotty nose thing during laundry.

We love our kids SO much and nothing will ever change that. But the dreams do change. Right now, if he lives to see his late 20's I'll be thrilled!

Thanks for sharing your heart Star.

 

[susiestar]

I am sorry your son is having to hit rock bottom to learn to survive. It is so hard on moms.

Star, you are so very eloquent, thank you.

I am sending a basket of hugs and cyber treats.

Hugs,

Susie