Update of difficult child and treatment

[Nancy]

I haven't posted an update lately because I don't know what to say, but here goes.

difficult child lost her Thursday social outing and her home pass this weekend. Seh has not been doing her assignments, has been sleeping in and not going to her sessions and has been sneaking out visiting the guys in their house. They think she is havign sex with several of the guys. The guys call her the 'name of center' ****. She talks trashy and will let any guy do whatever with her. She missed her individual therapy which is most important. She can;t get her fourth step completed.

So she called and said she would stay until tomorrow when we came for family day but won;t stay another week. I told her she couldn't come home until she completed the program and this was her old ways of breakign the rules and then getting mad when she got caught.

So I am going to family day with a heavy heart tomorrow, not knowing what we will find. At any rate she is scheduled to come home a week from tomorrow and it looks like she won't be living here long with that behavior.

Nancy

 

[klmno]

Hold on- it sounds bad, I know, but really, this is a typical stage. The main thing will be keeping her in an inpatient place until she's past it. If that can happen, great. If it can't- talk to the authorites there now to see about a step-down place. But don't write her off for this- she can't come back to what she had before, I agree, but don't throw the towel in just yet- this really is a typical "bump". What's most important right now is to maintain adequate therapeutic support thru it. I tried to sleep for days- it is emotionally exhausting and a person feels like giving up. If the person was trying to "fool" the program, they wouldn't be overwhelmed and sleeping. It's the fact that they are "feeling" it that makes them want to shut down.

 

[tawnya]

I'm so sorry, Nancy. All of this has got to be "killing" you.

But, I do agree where there is breath, there is hope.

I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

 

[barneysmom]

Maybe the key is the fourth step, which we knew was going to be icky and bring up a lot of garbage. Hopefully she will be able to regain her balance and perspective regarding this step. Do you think it's elements of the fourth step (specifically) that are holding her back? I liked klmn's insight that she wouldn't be sleeping if she was trying to fool the program. Maybe encourage her that she can do the fourth step, and see if she will give you clues as to her true motives for all these "slips."

She has been doing so well -- my son slips up like this too. The infamous all-or-nothing thinking. He's "perfect" for awhile (we don't encourage perfection as I'm sure you don't) and then tonight had a rage and was abusive towards our dog. Blew my mind. He did get himself back in balance though.

Jo

Hope your visit went OK. Did the staff have any insight?

 

[slsh]

Nancy - I'm sorry she's see-sawing again.

It seems like a whole lot of self-sabotage is going on. The end is in sight, success is in sight, finishing something is in sight, so the obvious move (at least in my little corner of gfgland) is to blow it all the heck out of the water. Much easier to work the program when she's smack in the middle of it - but with discharge looming, the responsibility is that much closer to being on her shoulders and it's much safer for her to revert to old behaviors.

It's a really old and ongoing story with- thank you. Maddening to watch. Heartbreaking actually. Even when I've point-blank pointed out how he *consistently* and seemingly intentionally makes the wrong move right before he finishes something, he seems incapable of avoiding that pitfall. I think it's tied, for thank you at least, to that old demon of non-existent self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness. It's not something I can fix, though heaven knows I've tried for years to get him to understand that he really does deserve good things/feelings/a good life. It falls on deaf ears.

I hope she'll catch herself, Nancy, or that someone will call her on it and she'll actually hear.

Many hugs to you.

 

[klmno]

This is such a common thing in these programs- her tdcoc there will know how to help her work thru it. Sometimes the therapist will let the person stay miserable for a few days first though, just to help motivate them. LOL!

 

[gottaloveem]

Sending ((((HUGS)))) for your worried and scared heart and hoping your daughter stays with the program.

Lia

 

[Nancy]

You are right, all of you. I am so fortunate to have you put things into prespective and help me understand. The staff feels she is self sabotaging, that everytime things go well for her she makes it blow up because she doesn't feel she deserves it. And the fourth step is giving her trouble. She doesn't want to face the things she has done in the past so it's easier just to avoid it. The inappropriate behavior with the boys has always been a problem. Her self esteem is so low she looks for attention in every guy who will give it to her.

We had a good session. She admitted she has been slacking off and putting no effort into the program this past week but promised to finish her fourth and fifth step by the end of the week. Her counselor is setting up an appointment with pastor betsy in hopes she can get difficult child to figure out what is stopping her from success.

Nancy

 

[klmno]

Her counselor is setting up an appointment with pastor betsy in hopes she can get difficult child to figure out what is stopping her from success.

And this is the key and something that is and will always be speicifc and personal- not to be shared with everyone, not even you. This is the importance of a good treatment program and letting her be in misery for a while, supported, writing it out, etc. It helps her work thru mental processes that she wouldn't be able to work thru otherwise. They know what they are doing there. Just stand back and let it go. It isn't always going to be one accomplishment right after another- it's a process that is very difficult and emotional, as well as rewarding. I would be more worried about her if she seemed to be gliding thru it- it's a bad sign when it appears that way. Kind of like someone who's supposed to be on a diet- if it always seems easy to them and they seem so happy about it all the time, it makes a person wonder if they are really sticking with it, Know what I mean?? Rehab is hard- not because it's supposed to be a punishment (albeit courts people don't get that) - it's hard because it pulls at everything inside a person and that is why it is so personal and recommended not to ever reveal all that to the people in your life- so take take it personal if she doesn't.

 

[Nancy]

I won't. I respect the confidentiality of a person with his/her spiritual advisor.

Nancy

 

[klmno]

I'm glad you read what I meant to say- which was not to take it personal. LOL! I'll get off my soapbox now- I am sure this whol;e process is keeping you on edge and unnerving for you at times, too.

 

[DDD]

You know I am sending supportive caring thoughts your way. It's a heck of a road to travel. DDD

 

[Ephchap]

Nancy,

Hang in there. I know that sounds easy and it's not. The self-sabotage - yes, many of our difficult child's have been through it. I used to ask my difficult child if he didn't like things going well, as each time things started to look up, it seemed like he'd mess up on purpose. Whether that's true or not, hard to say.

What I do know is that most addicts do backstep a bit. As I've heard each time my difficult child has been in different programs, that's a part of the process. The backsliding does help them move forward.

Like I said, it's not easy to watch our loved ones go through it, and it's certainly not easy on us.

Hugs to you and your family, as I know how all encompassing working through the addiction process is on everyone.

Deb