Update on dtr that got sent home from boot camp

[ksm]

It's been a month...and it has not gone well.

After her first week home she started spending the night at friends instead of coming home. So we told her that living with us was a chance to get on her feet...by getting a job, taking a class, reinstating CNA license (it expired earlier this year and she hasn't worked as a CNA for over a year), volunteering, etc.

After two weeks of her coming home sporadically, we said you must come home by 10pm Sunday to Thursday, but she could spend Friday and Saturday with who ever, where ever. And that she had to get up and get dressed and "adult" on week days.

Well that didn't happen. She had been having a guy dropping her off each morning at 7am, then sleeping all day, taking two hour baths, getting up and going out. Last night we told her if she left she had to be home at 10. Didn't happen. Came home at 7 and we told her either follow rules or live elsewhere. She said she would grab a few things from her room and she left, saying, she would let things settle down for a couple days. husband told her it was her choice.

The sad thing, she got a call from the bowling alley for an interview at 1pm today. I have no clue how she will get there. If she has clean clothes, etc. this guy lives 20 miles away in a rural area. Her cell phone probably won't work. I know it's not my problem but it sure hurts that someone who will be 20 in 3 months can't grow up.

I am tired of feeling used...we provide a home, laundry facilities, a stocked fridge, meals, driving to hunt for jobs, cell phone. And in one month she has unloaded dishwasher twice and washed two loads of her clothes. I guess she just keeps wearing dirty clothes as I refuse to do her laundry.

I am taking a trash bag to her room and putting dirty clothes in it. Putting clean clothes in the suitcase she used to move in and moving stuff to the garage. That way when she wants stuff, I can set it on porch and not have to deal with her. In two days I will not be changing the rules for her.

We had told her if she got a job, we would try to be more flexible. I am open to suggestions...

Ksm

 

[Jabberwockey]

Sorry to hear this KSM but really, the only way for her to get her fecal matter together is away from your house. For whatever reason, our Difficult Child's just CAN'T seem to grasp the fact that we don't owe them squat besides love and love DOESN'T mean letting them do whatever, whenever, and giving them money whenever they want it.

 

[ksm]

Thanks Jabberwocky. I was stoic until I attended a funeral today, a friend from church. Almost every child and grand child wrote a brief letter about their dad/grandpa. About their wonderful relationship, the fun times, how much they loved and respected and will miss him.

I sat there and wondered what would be said at mine? "She kicked me out before Christmas". She won't ever put it in the context that she left a nice home because she wanted to spend the night with the guy of the week.

I couldn't stop the tears during the funeral, not for the loss of a church friend...but for the loss of my hopes and dreams.

 

[Lost in sadness]

I am so sorry for you... Your last paragraph has just had me sobbing! This is exactly how I am feeling in one sentence! Hugs for you xx

 

[Jabberwockey]

I sat there and wondered what would be said at mine?

Doesn't matter in the slightest. If she's hateful, she's still a Difficult Child. If she's not, then she's figured things out. While the latter would be better, you still need to take care of you either way.

 

[susiestar]

your granddau has shown you over and over that she isn't ready to value what you value. She wants to live the party life from the comfort of your home. If you are fine with that, what you are doing will work. If you are not fine with that, then you probably need to change something. Only you can decide what.

I still remember my mother telling my brother to go and live on what he could earn if he was so determined to not go to college or get any training past high school. I think your granddau needs to spend some time living on her own resources and dealing with her own problems without having you chasing her around to fix her problems. She doesn't value what you do for her. Not the laundry, or the help with the car, or the nice home, or the full fridge. She loves you, in her very limited way.

My brother took over 20 years to realize that my parents didn't throw him out on a whim. That they did this in response to his behaviors. He had to get sober and get his life straightened out and stop lying to himself to see what a messed up kid he had been.

Your granddau may not say nice things to you for a long time. I am so sorry about that. It is what difficult kids do. In time she might come around, if she straightens out. Or she might not. The difference is that you will have a much better quality of life if you stop chasing her around and working harder to fix her life than she is.

She doesn't think her life is broken. She doesn't want it to be fixed. Until her life is hard, she won't change. All the things you provide, keep her trapped in the cycle of addiction. I don't say that to be mean. The full fridge and clean laundry and nice home are things you provide from a place of love. Sadly, they make her life easy and comfortable. They don't help her break her dysfunctional cycles or learn the hard lessons about the way she is living her life. A big part of the reason that SWOT's daughter cleaned up is because her life got super hard super fast. I don't think you can make your granddau's life that hard, but you can make it a lot harder than it is right now.

Why not go into Grambo mode but turn Grambo loose on granddau? Put Grambo between granddau and the comfy life so that granddau has to put up or go live her choices? You have given her chance after chance after chance. When is too much enough? When do you count?

Why are you not as valuable as she is? Financial planners always say to pay yourself first. One therapist I had told me to do that emotionally also. Set aside what you need for yourself and make everyone respect that. It made a big difference to our quality of life when I started to do that. It was a small adjustment for the rest of the family but it improved overall peace and happiness greatly. Put yourself first for a while. It is NOT NOT NOT selfishness. It is just plain smart. Haven't you earned it after all of these years?

 

[BusynMember]

I am always amazed at how many of our difficult loved ones think that their lives are perfect as long as they can party as they like. They are not like us. They think in the now only.
It's like the Scarlett OHara in Gone With the Wind only in a bad way. "I'll think about that tomorrow."

The list of not now...tomorrow..

Jobs
Careers
Adulthood
Quitting drugs
Doing chores
School
Taking showers
Etc.

These are things that I think WE think about, but they don't and I don't even believe it is out of meanness...i think it is more their me centric lives.

I do not think they ponder how WE feel...our fear, our pain, our betrayal. I don't think WE are even thought about unless we won't give money, threaten to make them leave or otherwise block their path to "fun." I disagree that people in the throes of this mindset are upset that we are sad, or even think about it, until we get on their way.

When they quit/reform/mature THEN we are finally thought of. Not until...we are until just a pain in their necks. Ruining their fun.

I just think life is to them an endless party and if it bothers us, they don't know or care. Unless we try to stop it.

Let us not forget "pot is good for you and the answer to all ills. It's not a drug. So I smoke it rather than take my psychiatric medications. Pot is GOOD! It is natural. It helps me, although I have no future right now..."

Their mindsets are nothing like ours. Couch surfing, taking gifts from kind folks whom they later kick in the pants is not seen as bad on them...they see the good Samaritans as unfair in the end. "They turned on me! Not fair!" Things like panhandling don't shame them. Looking disreputable is fine, even an asset, if they are even aware. I think of my beautiful daughter dressed all in black with black smudged eye make up and black lipstick and nails. I told her it makes a bad impresion. In her drug fog she said, "If they judge me, I dont want to know them anyway." Grrrrr.

Often hygiene means little to them. They can stink! But they don't care. May not believe they smell. As that one commercial says, become nose blind to body odor.

We are talking about young to middle age adults here, not children. I admit I was embarassed to be with daughter when she looked like she was trying to mimic a witch (not Wiccan, but the Wicked Witch of the West.)

Anyhow how different she thinks and looks today.

Just some thoughts on the peculiar thinking patterns and values of our difficult adult kids. It is hard to meet them in the middle when they are on a different planet from us. Sorry to veer off topic.

Carry on.



.

 

[Littleboylost]

KSM
My heart feels that the tears you shed are for the fact that you know what you need to do,know how shard this will be and the sorrow that your DGD is just not ready to change.

It is indeed time for you Stand our of her way.

Hardest thing we do is knowing what is right to do carrying this out and having the strength to maintain it.

I am sending the biggest hugs and support your way KSM. You are not alone!!

 

[ksm]

Older D c is out of the house now. She did call last night and asked if she could stop by and pick up more of her things. She was pleasant, problem because she brought a friend with her. They had to get "party" clothes. Go figure.

She has lived like this when she left our home after high school graduation and moved in with my son.

It's also a mirror image of her bio mom...who moved in with my son, already pregnant with her. I guess DS thought he was rescuing her. After a few years bio moms behavior continued and she started couch surfing. I hate seeing history repeat itself.

I am detaching. It just hurts, because I know she would be so better off if she was to get treated for bipolar. On a high manic phase now...but will be crashing soon... Vicious cycle.

I agree with every ones comments. Luckily, younger D c isn't being difficult right now! Yea. The other stressor in my life is my adult son has a serious medical condition and living with extreme pain.there is no surgery to correct this. He has spinal cord damage and a condition called arachnoiditis. The nerves in spinal cord are clumping together. His SS application was denied this month, but at least we got the state medical app approved. But, finally got an Rx for a pain patch, only to find out state ins won't pay for it. He is pretty much home bound now. 43 years old, has had two spinal fusions in the last 16 years.

So, one child who won't work, and one who wants to, but can't.

Going to be a difficult holiday season.

Ksm

 

[ksm]

I think your granddau needs to spend some time living on her own resources and dealing with her own problems without having you chasing her around to fix her problems. She doesn't value what you do for her. Not the laundry, or the help with the car, or the nice home, or the full fridge. She loves you, in her very limited way.

The main problem is...she won't really suffer after moving out (and she did leave...and we boxed up her stuff). She is an attractive 19yo. She always seems to have some guy who is willing to let her move in. Of course, the longest lasted 4 weeks.

Then she will find another sucker. Life won't be that hard for her. Her mom lived this way from age 15 to 50. Both can be very charming and friendly, but it is a facade.

I have been going to AlAnon to deal with younger D c...but the info works for both.

Ksm

 

[Copabanana]

ksm. this is very sad.

i will go to al anon this week, too.

it really is true the heart of it that our children live their own lives not ours or the ones we dream for them.

when i think about it this is the very thing that this forum is about. our coming to grips with and accepting this very hard truth. this for sure has been the case for me.

 

[Littleboylost]

KSM
It’s as tough as and I am so very sorry your DGD can not see through the veil of her MH issue and not repeat the past. It is as you once said like a train wreck in slow motion that we can observe and do nothing to stop.

I am so very sorry for your sons conditon. That is a young age to be so disabled with such horrible pain. I have back troubles (Herniated L3,4 and 5) I have only had trapped nerve issues twice and they both resolved without surgical intervention. The absolute worst pain I have ever had and the dibilitating inability to move around. Truly horrible.

Allow yourself to grieve for your loss and yes detach. We all know what to do and why to do it. That doesn’t make it any easier to do.

Sending you warm hugs. Do something totally different for yourself this holiday.

 

[susiestar]

If this is how she wants to live, she has the absolute right to live that way. It is just sad to see the potential go to waste, isn't it? Use what you learn in alanon to move on and find other things to do with your time and energy, and other people to love. People who will actually love you back.

 

[Sam3]

Ksm,

FWIW, know that on the side of the guys/men she cycles through their might be a Mom shaking her head and wishing her son wouldn’t seek out these dysfunctional relationships.

My son and his ex (who met in treatment, and were together sober for a year) seem to be back together and I’ve been praying that he doesn’t pull her into the downward spiral.

I thought there couldn't be any fresh source of potential shame left, but that is one.

I realize its my sons circus not mine, and it takes two to tango (son and ex), but actually it would feel better to be able to apologize on behalf of my son and these guys who may not want “well” gfs.

I’m sorry. I find the whole thing very unbefitting a man.

 

[ksm]

I know, my son tried to rescue her mom 20 years ago...I remember him saying she had a tough life and her parents wouldn't help her. Now that I know her parents they tried to help her for years...got her cars, set her up in apartments, cleaned up her messes when she moved on. Her younger brother told me how they were always wrapped up in her drama (he was 10 years younger) and he felt like he never got the attention he deserved.

My son had to declare bankruptcy after marrying her. Then the next guy did the same thing, too. Lost his home and his newer truck. It's like they suck all the life out of the guy, then move on to the next victim. Glad she is in prison now.

Ksm

 

[Copabanana]

i think in terms of a lock and key.

another way i think of it is that unconsciously we mold our "face" to speak to those we wish to attract to meet our inner needs and to feed our deepest motivations. whether dependency. appetites. responsibility or the reverse.

this is life. each will either take in feedback from life experience, change, and alter course. or not.

it is no different for us.

 

[New Leaf]

KSM, You have done just about everything you can and more to try and help your daughter. I am so sorry.
I am going through a huge case of "It is what it is" and wrestling with the emotional part tied to it all, for the moment.
Our kids grow up and choose.
Whether they choose well, or not, in the end all, is up to them.
I am glad you are goin to Al anon, and it is helping you.
I am sorry for your sons condition. Living with back pain is very tough.
Sigh.
Wishing you peace of mind.
Do something kind for yourself.
It has been a long hard road.
Our kids will choose as they do.
But, so can we.
(((HUGS)))
Leafy

 

[Sam3]

I know, my son tried to rescue her mom 20 years ago...I remember him saying she had a tough life and her parents wouldn't help her. Now that I know her parents they tried to help her for years...got her cars, set her up in apartments, cleaned up her messes when she moved on. Her younger brother told me how they were always wrapped up in her drama (he was 10 years younger) and he felt like he never got the attention he deserved.

My son had to declare bankruptcy after marrying her. Then the next guy did the same thing, too. Lost his home and his newer truck. It's like they suck all the life out of the guy, then move on to the next victim. Glad she is in prison now.

Ksm

Sounds like your son was hoping to rescue but otherwise healthy.

I was speaking to a situation when the guys aren’t themselves emotionally healthy and seek out women who enable that or make that seem ok. I don’t like the idea of a man exploiting anyone, but especially a vulnerable woman in that way

In fact in a very non-alanon move, I allowed myself one phone call with my sons ex to let her know I don’t think my son is good for her at the moment —but hopefully one day he will be again.

I also allowed myself to text my son once to suggest he man up as it relates to her. — either sober up and be the strength she needs, or leave her alone until he’s in a healthier place.

 

[ksm]

Difficult Child has been gone for 5 days now. She did stop back by Friday evening to get some party dresses...

She's been on FB. Posted a picture of her kissing the guy. I am guessing that is where she is staying.

I wonder if she will contact us by Christmas. I am betting yes, because she will want gifts. And probably more clothes...

Ksm

 

[Littleboylost]

KSM
Not an easy situation by any stretch of the imagination. If we had Difficult Child Academy Awards you would get the one for Best Supporting GM/M

Dealing with their chronic behaviour is not easy.