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Substance Abuse
Update on my adult son
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 759272" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Hi Trying. I am sorry there is so much suffering with all of this: for all of us. My story is not that different. I continue attached to my own son but not nearly so much at the effect of how he lives. For example, for the last few days, he has been living with M, my ex, in a home I own. He would have been homeless and our state is besieged with corona. I think he knows it's short term. At least he mouths these words. We are staying on him very strongly, to enforce our rules, not his. It is a constant battle.</p><p></p><p>All of which is to say that those of us here know what your life has been with your son because we have lived with and are living with our versions of the same thing. The cycle will continue, as long as they choose to live their lives as they are. And we will continue at the effect of their chaotic, irresponsible, self-destructive, or self-limiting choices when we are near them, define ourselves by their choices, or insist upon believing that we can make a difference. We can't. Only they can.</p><p></p><p>We can choose, because we are their parents and we love them and because we accept varying degrees of responsibility--to help them--when they are vulnerable, despairing or destitute. This does not mean that we can change them or their lives. It only means we have chosen to sacrifice for a limited and defined time, because we choose to, from a humanitarian and loving impulse. </p><p></p><p>Unfortunately, when I do this, my son seems to believe that he has conned, manipulated or deceived or controlled me through his magnetic and overpowering charm or intelligence or power; instead of recognizing that we have taken pity on him, and are driven by our hearts. It's OK. I am very little any more under the illusion that I have power or control. What I have is a heart for my son.</p><p></p><p>What I have learned is that my heart for myself is the most important. And it sounds like you have come to this place too. Where you have begun to live from your own compassion and awareness for yourself, your heart, your pain, your needs. And to begin from this place. This is where most of us come to on this site, sooner or later. It took me many years. I am glad you checked in Trying. Be well.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 759272, member: 18958"] Hi Trying. I am sorry there is so much suffering with all of this: for all of us. My story is not that different. I continue attached to my own son but not nearly so much at the effect of how he lives. For example, for the last few days, he has been living with M, my ex, in a home I own. He would have been homeless and our state is besieged with corona. I think he knows it's short term. At least he mouths these words. We are staying on him very strongly, to enforce our rules, not his. It is a constant battle. All of which is to say that those of us here know what your life has been with your son because we have lived with and are living with our versions of the same thing. The cycle will continue, as long as they choose to live their lives as they are. And we will continue at the effect of their chaotic, irresponsible, self-destructive, or self-limiting choices when we are near them, define ourselves by their choices, or insist upon believing that we can make a difference. We can't. Only they can. We can choose, because we are their parents and we love them and because we accept varying degrees of responsibility--to help them--when they are vulnerable, despairing or destitute. This does not mean that we can change them or their lives. It only means we have chosen to sacrifice for a limited and defined time, because we choose to, from a humanitarian and loving impulse. Unfortunately, when I do this, my son seems to believe that he has conned, manipulated or deceived or controlled me through his magnetic and overpowering charm or intelligence or power; instead of recognizing that we have taken pity on him, and are driven by our hearts. It's OK. I am very little any more under the illusion that I have power or control. What I have is a heart for my son. What I have learned is that my heart for myself is the most important. And it sounds like you have come to this place too. Where you have begun to live from your own compassion and awareness for yourself, your heart, your pain, your needs. And to begin from this place. This is where most of us come to on this site, sooner or later. It took me many years. I am glad you checked in Trying. Be well. [/QUOTE]
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