updating daily-Day 10, my son, in 1st detox, ?'s

[ck1]

JMama: I don't have experience with this, but I do have a few thoughts. As I was reading your posts, I kept thinking to myself, "difficult child needs to get away from girlfriend when he gets out". He may not have used with her, but it sounds like she made him want to use! That has to be nearly as bad as hanging out with the same people you used with because the thoughts, desires, memories, are still there. If your instincts tell you that's probably what needs to happen, then you're probably right. Unfortnately, you may not be able to make that happen.

Also, this is just a thought so please forgive me if it's not a good one, but have you considered getting a formal court-order for visitation? I know she won't like that but that's her problem, not yours. If you have a court-order, then you'll get to see your granddaughter and not have to deal with girlfriend's drama. Plus, you'll have regular visits with granddaughter and always know how she's being taken care of.

 

[jmama45]

JMama: I don't have experience with this, but I do have a few thoughts. As I was reading your posts, I kept thinking to myself, "difficult child needs to get away from girlfriend when he gets out". He may not have used with her, but it sounds like she made him want to use! That has to be nearly as bad as hanging out with the same people you used with because the thoughts, desires, memories, are still there. If your instincts tell you that's probably what needs to happen, then you're probably right. Unfortnately, you may not be able to make that happen.

Also, this is just a thought so please forgive me if it's not a good one, but have you considered getting a formal court-order for visitation? I know she won't like that but that's her problem, not yours. If you have a court-order, then you'll get to see your granddaughter and not have to deal with girlfriend's drama. Plus, you'll have regular visits with granddaughter and always know how she's being taken care of.

Well you are right that difficult child needs to get away from her when he gets out, but he is so into his life with her that I dont see it happening. He is so involved. He doesn't realize it is for his own good. He also has a problem in his head that he is determined NOT to be a seperate parent, he wont live in another house than his child... of course he knows right away he cant live with her, but he is 100% going back. Me and his father were not together since he was 3 mos old, and difficult child says he will never do that. He needs to see sometimes it has to be that way.

I am sure I can court order visitation, BUT so far she is 100% letting me have the baby and enjoys her breaks. Her son is off with his father almost half the week all the time. I think at this point, I need to not rock that boat. Then I could lose her and difficult child and be alienated. She hasnt done anything bad to me at all. I just know she wont like me telling her what she needs to do to help difficult child, ie. stay away and that is gonna be a mess. I dont know how I am gonna work with her for difficult child and dg and not get caught up in her drama. I plan on making some decisions on dealing with that after xmas.

 

[BusynMember]

You deal with it by letting her work it out. She's an adult and not your responsibility, nor is your son anymore at his age. Their issues are THEIR issues and they need to work them out. She doesn't sound too stable--poor baby. But if she was stable, she wouldn't have put up with your son. At some point, you may have to step in and decide if you want custody of the baby. I sense that, down the road, the baby may be in a bad way.
But right now I'd enjoy Christmas. You didn't cause her problems and you can't and in my opinion shouldn't fix them or even try to fix them.
As for not sleeping etc. my best guess having had a daughter who I thought was only doing pot is that your son has done A LOT more than pot and is having trouble with withdrawals. Drug addiction is a symptom of mental illness so I'm not convinced he doesn't at least suffer from depression, but, no matter what, I wouldn't help him unless he walks the walk besides talking the talk. My daughter would talk the talk and I'd believe her (how dumb of me). She's the one who tells me, now that she's clean, "Never trust a drug addict. THEY LIE." And she did. ALL THE TIME.

 

[jmama45]

You deal with it by letting her work it out. She's an adult and not your responsibility, nor is your son anymore at his age. Their issues are THEIR issues and they need to work them out. She doesn't sound too stable--poor baby. But if she was stable, she wouldn't have put up with your son. At some point, you may have to step in and decide if you want custody of the baby. I sense that, down the road, the baby may be in a bad way.
But right now I'd enjoy Christmas. You didn't cause her problems and you can't and in my opinion shouldn't fix them or even try to fix them.
As for not sleeping etc. my best guess having had a daughter who I thought was only doing pot is that your son has done A LOT more than pot and is having trouble with withdrawals. Drug addiction is a symptom of mental illness so I'm not convinced he doesn't at least suffer from depression, but, no matter what, I wouldn't help him unless he walks the walk besides talking the talk. My daughter would talk the talk and I'd believe her (how dumb of me). She's the one who tells me, now that she's clean, "Never trust a drug addict. THEY LIE." And she did. ALL THE TIME.

Thanks for the reply. Yes difficult child was snorking perks and graduated to OC's. His sleeplessness is def withdrawal.

Well difficult child called. In my letter I told him that I would be attending midnight mass and that he would be there, in my heart with me and to think about that while I am there. He soo LOVED that!

He got yelled at today by an officer, because he jacket wasn't hung up in his locker, he woke him and since sleep is rare, it was fun. I love that, that is what he needs, not to be comfy!

I am not sure how I will be tomorrow, but today stinks! Just knowing he isn't here- darn this is not fun. I have the party here, so everyone will be here except him. I guess I will just hug the baby tighter tomorrow.

He said he had a class today, he played basketball too. WOW 2 things in one day!

I wish they wouldn't let them use the phone for 30 days. He needed that. Imagine wondering what everyone is thinking and feeling and all that. Stinks that he gets even that much relief. I am learning... I am trying to do the right things. I actually didnt answer girlfriend's call yesterday, I just needed a break. I am good about my limit, I take care of myself well. Hopefully I can get through this ok too.

 

[ck1]

I totally understand not wanting to upset her and I agree with you. But, if you think that this might be something needed in the future, doing it now while things are good, may work in your favor. It's great that she trusts you and enjoys her breaks. I would encourage this as much as possible and start documenting how often you have your granddaughter. Unfortunately, some people use their children as bargaining chips or try to punish you and not let you see her.

When my difficult child was maybe a year old, his dad and I were engaged and supposed to be getting married a few months later. I knew this wasn't going to happen because he was so abusive, I just wasn't ready to tell him yet. He thought things were going well. I told him I was updating my will and I needed him to sign a paper. He did, giving me full physical and legal custody. I don't know if he didn't realize it or didn't care, but since then I've always had full custody. If I did this after I broke up with him or while we were fighting, he wouldn't have signed because he would have wanted to give me a hard time. Not my proudest moment, but I did what needed to be done to protect my baby and that I have never regretted.

I know today will be hard without your son...I hope you able to enjoy your day though!! Merry Christmas! :santa:

 

[jmama45]

Thanks! I dont see her ever keeping me from the baby. Her osn is over his gm all the time, she knows she needs the help. She made me the best present! I picture she scrapped and framed and it says "Grandma's Baby Girl" it is sooo awesome! She is letting me be a big part of the baby's life, so I do not feel I need any visitation order. And I know if she gets to a point where she has to keep my son from seeing the baby by her, she would trust me to have him visit when I have the baby, we almost had to do that once and she was ok with it.

I would of done what you did too. Smart move! I worked for the better, so it must of meant to be.

 

[jmama45]

Christmas was no fun (see my "extended family post)

but is response to a post on their about difficult child calling girlfriend so much (free calls yesterday) and he has been calling her a couple times aday.

Oh and girlfriend did mention he said he only has 4.00 on his phone acct for her and what was he going to do becuz talking to her was the only thing getting him through this. She said although it was "ahh, how sweet" she said she felt he was calling too much and I told her I was thinking the same and that I was going to talk to her about it after xmas. She said she has been thinking about it all along. We agreed he needs to miss her and the baby and not know what is going on at home. So we will have to have that conversation and make a desicion and I am not looking forward to it with either of them. He may just turn to his father for more phone money? I dont know. If I wasstrong, I would ask her to stop talking to him and I could stop taking the calls too. That would make him insane though. And I do not know how that would work if I need to know what he is planning when/if he gets on Jan 15th... he talked about coming here, I do not want that unless he goes to residential place first and the judge may order that sort of thing. I don't know if I should be at court or not? I am sure girlfriend is going and difficult child said she is dropping the charges, but the DA will go with them I am sure. Not sure why she is dropping them??? And his father will go, and he doesn't talk to me at all, so difficult child can use us since one doesn't know what the other is doing. He is an enabler as is his wife.

 

[jmama45]

Day 10...

I haven't heard from difficult child or girlfriend since xmas day. Nice break I tell ya! I know his phone acct for her is 0 now. I know he has classed now too. The holidays made it for a late start with those.

Not much else new. I am going for a massage today, I do know how to treat myself, that is not an issue with me :smile:

 

[jmama45]

Day 11

difficult child told girlfriend the other day that he thinks he will need to be "watched" when he gets out. He says he knows tempation will play a part in it all. She was saying him coming here would be good for him. I have the baby once a week overnight and he can see her then. He said he cant only see her once a week... I explained to her that he has to realize he ant jump into seeing them everyday right away. He "should" be busy with school and work and meetings and all. He has no car and she lives 45 mins from me. She agreed. I think he just isn't thinking of all that will be different when he comes out. But I think betwen her and us, we can get him to realize his life will be different that he thinks.

I missed difficult child's call but husband got it and talked to him for the first time while in there. They had a good convo about everything. I was glad because I know husband wants to help, but he is NOT a fool and wont put up with any junk from him. We dont know what will happen, where he will go when he gets out, but husband agreed to have a talk and decide if we are willing to take a chance of him coming here. If so, we will then sit down with girlfriend and get her on board to our expectations on difficult child and her.

I dunno, time will tell. But I am a firm believer in "failure to plan is planning to fail"!!!

 

[witzend]

jmama, can I suggest that rather than updating daily on the same thread, you update with a new thread as new days come and go? As in a new topic "Day 11 in Residential Treatment Center (RTC)".

I think you might get a better response that way, as people will know for sure that you have something new to say. It also might help you to come to look at your son's situation from a different viewpoint.