Venting: My "wonderful" weekend (sarcasm by the way)

[BusynMember]

So hubby and I drove to the Chicago area to see my beautiful granddaughter. She is about the same age as Julie was when we first got her from Korea, AND SHE LOOKS JUST LIKE JULIE DID! She is healthy, chubby, baby chatty alert and just the best. That was the good part of my weekend...I got to spend a lot of time with her and she is amazing.

I stayed overnight with Julie and her SO while husband went back to hotel. Husband can't drive at night since he had corneal transplants last year. I mean, he CAN, but he doesn't like to drive FAR at night. And I freak out driving at night because...well, because I am a nervous night driver and it's 3-4 hours away. It didn't matter. We were going to leave Sunday in the morning.

My cell phone rang. It was Jumper, who was in from college to go to her old high school's homecoming. I thought she was over her ex boyfriend, but it turned out she came in specifically to try to get him to hear her out about why she broke up with him. She wants him back, he's a great kid...usually. But he doesn't forgive easily and since sh e broke up with him and truly broke his heart, he won't talk to her. Every time she tried, he walked away. Well, she called us crying, which she never does, then she called again and said, please come home...she can't stop crying and she needs us. She never does that either. I told her to call somebody who knows the story, but she is very private (something that will bite her in the butt if she doesn't change) and even her best friends don't know how she feels. Scared, hub and I left as soon as we could Sunday morning. On the way home, the car started driving funky. Hubby is a mechanic and said a few choice swear words, then told me what was going on. The short of it is we had to drive home very slowly while Jumper kept calling to ask if we were getting closer.

We got home and Jumper was watching the football game and I asked her if she'd listen to me, thinking that my two older kids (Julie and 36) tell me that I give good advice (this is kind of funny that I said it after what 36 did later on). Anyway, she nodded "yes." I gave her a long speech close to what we talk about here (thank you, guys). I told her that she broke up with J. for a reason and that she could not control what he did, but that she could control her reaction to it...that time heals...that she has to love herself more than him...blah, blah, blah. I could tell it worked and she hugged me and was much better and got ready to go back to college.

I was drained.

As soon as she had just driven away, my phone went off and it was 36. He first berated me for not answering the phone in the car (I was probably talking to Jumper or else I just didn't hear it because the truck is loud). Then he moved on immediately to how Junior was getting worse grades in school and the teacher was unhappy with his behavior because he could not sit still or pay attention, although she didn't think it was ADHD (thanks, Teach. I love when teachers become diagnostic psychiatrists). I was surprised because Junior has always gotten good school reports, but, to be honest, the three times I've seen him, I thought there was something wrong with him. He seemed overly hyper, too easy to cry, and I expected this to happen, but was glad when it didn't. Now it has.

Normally I refuse to give 36 advice because he doesn't like my advice. He not only wants advice that is "positive" and makes him "feel good" but he wants me to come up with a great solution. Well, because 36 has joint legal custody with his ex, his situation is complicated. Also, Junior is at a school of choice, not the home address school and the school he is at can decide not to let him come back and he's freaked out that they won't let Junior come back. I guess I said the wrong thing because he hung up on me after a few choice names. I was angry that I didn't have a chance to hang up first I am going to give him a five day time-out for that. But to be honest, this reminds me of how 36 gets when he is nervous or in crisis. Nobody but serial killers are meaner than 36 when he is nervous about something. However, to calm him down in a normal way, like I did with Jumper, isn't possible. He only wants me to say certain things in a certain way...it is hard to explain.

I feel terrible for Junior. But I can't do ANYTHING. I can't even SAY anything because, given his situation, he can't just take Junior to a neuropsychologist of his choosing and he has a court ordered psychologist overseeing the entire family, which ticks him off. So, I was shaking when I got off the phone, not because of 36, but because of the entire weekend and my mood disorder was in "depressed" mode. I never get as depressed as I once did, so that I can not get out of bed and can't eat or sleep or anything, but I do still have ups and downs. I started thinking about suicided.

My mind told me, "You are 61 and still very healthy. What do you have to look forward to? Getting older and sicker and dealing with more problems because life has problems. So why not end it now and call it a life? You overcame a lot and had a good run. Why wait until you are old and maybe senile to end it? It's too hard. It's too hard to fight this mood disorder any longer. Nobody can say you didn't try. Nobody will miss you, except husband and kids, and they will get over it. So think about it." And I did. And I did some more. And I kept on thinking about it. Since I believe in everlasting life and reincarnation, I started wondering if this is when I was SUPPOSED to end my life's journey. Don't try to tell me it's not true...I am convinced it is...and that won't help me at all. Anyway, I'm still here and feel less suicidal today. I am going to call my therapist. I actually had an uptick later in the night. Goodwill Industries, where I work, had a huge sale for workers and the public and I went and got two bags of great stuff for a really low price. I ran into a lot of people I know and, even though I'm an introvert, getting out and being with people REALLY helps me when I'm in a down mode. I need people even though I can only take so much of them. So when I came back home I felt a little better and watched a football game with my husband.

36 tried calling back several times. He is capable of calling ten times in a row. That sent me into a mild tailspin again, but husband got ticked off and turned off my phone, while saying, "He really needs to grow up. What is his problem????" 36 always flabbergasts husband. He can't imagine how somebody his age can be such a big baby and so vindicative and self-centered. Yeahl, well, I can't figure it out either, but thanks, Husband.

I feel better today. Hopefully I can think of good reasons to keep going on at my age. I kept focusing on 61. "You'll get older, you'll get sick, and life is too hard." Ugh. That's how my mind works when I'm in a downhill mode. I am not actively suicidal, but I have to admit I made sense to myself this weekend.

As soon as the therapist gets in, I'm going to call the office just because I can't do anything as drastic as ending it to my husband and kids. My Dad made it to 90 and still has a clear head so I could live many more years in good health. (Sigh) But sometimes life is soooooooooooooooooooo hard

This is what I've lived through so far:

1/36...his entire life has been a struggle
2/adopted an older foster boy who sexually abused my two youngest (Jumper and Sonic) for three years and I didn't know it, which makes me feel like a horrible mother even today. He is no longer with us, but he is married and has just had another baby to perp on. I forgot to mention I checked his Facebook too. I don't even know why I did that. It didn't help and I don't want to contact him.
3/Scott, whom I loved with all my heart and soul, rejected me as his mother.
4/My own mother disowned me and nobody knows why.
5/My sibs think I'm family blacksheep and we have no contact, which makes me feel alone.
6/I have mental health issues that had a very early onset. They have affected every aspect of my life.

Yep. Sometimes life seems very hard, but somehow I always manage to go on. This is probably one of the worst crises I've had in years, at least mentally. No, I don't have a plan nor do I have any intention of really ending it, certainly not right now. But I am thinking, "It's an option down the road."

Ugggggggggggggggh!!!!!
Thanks for listening. Any good thoughts about life after 60 and going on and the stupidity of my thinking would be helpful. Any thoughts at all would be helpful. But if you have none, just knowing I an vent here is nice.

 

[pasajes4]

I too am 61. I have had those same thoughts. I am not in the best of health and it will get worse. My mother is in her 90's and still going strong in spite of being an alcoholic. My life has been one disaster after another.

I refuse to let my dark side win. I look for the blessings in the here and now. I believe that I still have purpose.

((((HUGS)))) my friend. You are loved by many people you have never met. You have made difference in my life. Your wisdom is a gift that you share freely with others.

 

[BusynMember]

Thank you so very, very much. I love you all.

Can this please be moved to Parent Emeritus?

 

[2much2recover]

. I was surprised because Junior has always gotten good school reports, but, to be honest, the three times I've seen him, I thought there was something wrong with him. He seemed overly hyper, too easy to cry, and I expected this to happen, but was glad when it didn't. Now it has.

Maybe the whole problem with the GS is being caused by the difficult child. If he is as mean as you say, maybe something is being done to the child that hasn't come out yet. Also, I watch a documentary on You Tube by nuero scientists this weekend and I was surprised to learn that socio's can't stand to be accused of anything morally wrong or that puts them in a moral in-superiority light. Kind of explains why sometimes he is willing to hear what you are saying and other times angrily denying advise. Anything that makes him look bad is going to be met with an angry outburst, denial and a revisit of history.

I understand the deep depression that goes with living with, or being surround by so many dysfunctional people, when it seems like we can't find the answer to fix the situations we turn the blame back on ourselves. I heard that depression is really anger turned inward. Makes a lot of sense in this situation because so many of the behaviors going on in your life are beyond your control. I am glad to hear you have reached out for help and that your suicidal thoughts are diminishing. I too have felt like throwing in the towel but every day gets better because the things that go on are not my fault - when this hits - I have one choice only - WALK AWAY. NO CONTACT until you get your depressive/anger and rage directly pointed to the "right" people instead of swallowing it within yourself.

 

[BusynMember]

My son is actually very lenient and overly indulgent to his son, but gets upset whenever Junior talks about his mother and stepfather. I think though that Junior is upset with his entire life. His mom ran off with another man when he was four and she did not come home for a while. Then, when she did, she left and moved in with New Honey and forced Junior to accept him. Recently, difficult child let some bipolar woman who was not stable move in with him and Junior really loved her, but she had to move out because she and difficult child were not getting along. Not smart. Now his mother is pregnant and he could be reacting in one of many ways to it. Also, genetics are huge and he's got bad cards from both sides of the family.

When I saw him, I did not see a stable little boy. I saw a little boy who cried a lot and was super-active, over the top. And this was before the divorce. The last time I saw him, over two years ago, his parents were still together. He was not particularly defiant and he isn't now. His teacher calls him inattentive and unable to sit still, but he is not talking back to her or breaking rules.

You know what? difficult child lives two states away and won't drive Junior up halfway to meet me so I don't even know Junior. I will never know Junior because difficult child has no real desire to make it possible for me to see him more than once every five years and when I suggested Skype, he just said he doesn't have it or know how to do it. Whatever.

This whole issue just makes me angry so I'm going to stop now, but thanks for your true observations 2much. Without a doubt, difficult child has an tisocial traits. His son is an extension of himself, or so he thinks. It's kind of sick.

 

[recoveringenabler]

MWM, I moved all the posts to PE.

Wow, you had a lot going on this weekend! The good, the bad and the ugly. I can see why you slipped off the rail, or perhaps saying you were pushed might be a better way of stating it. I'm sorry the depression kicked in and the suicide thoughts, I can understand why that happened and I am so sorry you had to feel all of that.

I can relate to some of what you were feeling, I haven't slipped in to the suicide thoughts, but turning 65, having my granddaughter leave, moving out of the town I lived for 32 years and having my daughter have a warrant out for her arrest, sent me into a tailspin too, so I get it.

The getting older thing had me in a strange new arena too, I see what you're talking about. Perhaps looking at it as a life transition we haven't experienced yet would be helpful, at least that's how I am identifying it.

Those of us in our 50's and 60's on this site have been at this with our kids for a long time........and like you, some of us come from dysfunctional backgrounds........you know, in some ways, how can we NOT go off the rails sometimes? It's a lot to deal with. We're only human, and life has a lot of struggles. Allowing where we are at any given time helps the feelings to gently subside. Talking it out helps, like you're doing with us and will do with your therapist. Like everything else, it is what it is.

You and me and a bunch of us here have done a lot of work on ourselves, we've had therapy, changed our responses, worked through some very difficult issues and really, we've come out the other side and for the most part, enjoy a peaceful life with joy and laughter. That is a lot to be proud of and feel accomplished about. You've not only done all of that MWM, but you take all of it and use it to support others who are struggling on this path.

I also believe in karma and reincarnation. My understanding is that if we are still here then we have not accomplished our life "mission." As Pasa said, there is still a purpose.

You, like me now, are an empty nester and in our 60's, the purpose has now changed, the mission is different. It's a whole new chapter. We're in the "hallway" between the chapters in our lives and, I think, this is a big transition. A very big transition. Life transitions take a little time to maneuver through.

I feel as if I am walking through a gateway now, leaving the past behind, blessing it.............and walking through the portal in to a new arena where my energies are now directed in different and new areas.............where I am the priority. It is an entirely new adventure MWM. For whatever remaining years we have, let's meet them with passion and excitement..........live fully in the present moment and let the past go. We already did all of that........it's an ending, but also a beginning.

You've been through so much MWM, so much. Me too. Let's let it go and move into these wisdom years with grace and delight. I'm right there with you.

And, MWM, like everything in life, this too shall pass.

 

[BusynMember]

RM, your post had a profound and positive effect on me. I had no idea anyone else here shared my beliefs either

Thank you for everything you do here and for what you have done for me.

Thanks everyone for what you all do.

Life experience, good and bad, is positive to pass along to others...maybe they can learn from it???

 

[pasajes4]

Life experience, good and bad, is positive to pass along to others...maybe they can learn from it???

AMEN !

 

[GuideMe]

However, to calm him down in a normal way, like I did with Jumper, isn't possible. He only wants me to say certain things in a certain way...it is hard to explain.

Wow, reading this was like reading about my own child. She is the same way MWM and says the EXACT same words 36 says to you about my advice. Uncanny I tell you.

 

[GuideMe]

36 tried calling back several times. He is capable of calling ten times in a row

Maybe it's time to slowly detach from the phone as well. Maybe this turned into a manic habit for both of you to be on the phone about everything all the time? Maybe co-dependency as well?

 

[GuideMe]

About the suicide feelings, you know I felt the same way yesterday. You're not alone (((hugs)))). Reminds me of that Jack Nicholson meme that goes around facebook "the less you give a f***, the happier you'll be".

 

[recoveringenabler]

A little levity for you MWM.

 

[2much2recover]

I had no idea anyone else here shared my beliefs either

I share them too. In saying that may I add for you, get YOUR Warrior on! Fight for yourself and those you DO love and trust. Ever hear of "The Warriors Prayer" by Stewart Wilde? I use it as a guideline for my life. Here is a beautiful You Tube video of the poem set to music and images:

 

[BusynMember]

Wow, 2Much, THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!! That was so powerful and it spoke to me and brought me to happy tears. That is EXACTLY what I needed this morning. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

 

[2much2recover]

I am glad you liked it - try to look at it until you can absorb it. I worked really hard on two parts of it for dealing with difficult child. "In softness
I have strength" and (being true to myself and who I am - I don't have to fight ugliness - I CAN LIVE MY LIFE) and "In conflict I walk away" means for me NO CONTACT with those who would destroy my peace of mind and spiritual harmony.

 

[BusynMember]

2much, I do that now. Sometimes I backslide like I did when I heard that Junior is having problems...after all, although I have only seen him three times, he is a child and I wanted to pass along what I learned working within the school district so that my son knew more than I had known. I'm sorry I tried. I won't make that mistake again. I am not going to talk to him again until I feel strong enough to do so.
When one is depressed, we only see the dark side of life. Today I feel better; I feel strong. Some of the things that made me tired, now make me feel like a survivor. I have survived, and very well, having early onset mental health issues. I have survived having 36 and we actually still have a relationship and I know he loves me, even though he loses it sometimes and is selfish to the core. Scott left us, but he was adopted at age six and, although I loved him like a son, he didn't bond. That is actually quite normal for older child adoption. I let him go long ago and survived and still have three top notch adult children...Jumper, Sonic and Julie...and now a beautiful grandaughter. Yes, a child we adopted sexually abused Sonic and Jumper, but they got extensive help and are both doing extremely well. Julie had also been assaulted at a friend's house by a stranger at age eight. She has decided, per herself, not to let that define her and has made a good life for herself and I am so proud. It's true that I don't have friends that I would consider FRIENDS, but I have my little family. Those are blessings. Many people don't have what I do. I have to live or they will be destroyed. Suicide destroys people in a way that natural death does not. So there!!!!

I am going to work today. I like my job. The people are nice. That is another blessing.

Usually I can stay focused on these pluses and strengths of not just me, but my family unit. This weekend, I was in a down cycle and there was a lot going on for one weekend. But I survived last weekend too.

Jumper is getting a new tatoo. I asked her what it will say and she said, "Family above everything." Of course, being the sentimental softie I am, I cried...lol.

 

[recoveringenabler]

2M2R, wonderful video, thank you for sharing it!