elizabrary
Well-Known Member
My daughter had her baby when she was 19 also- that was nearly 10 years ago and the first 5 years were very difficult. Her boyfriend was also significantly older than her and had another child that he did not provide for or have a relationship with. He was also abusive to my daughter. The good thing is that after just a few months of living with him with the baby she wanted to get away, so I moved her in with me. Big mistake. She wasn't over him and went back to him shortly after. A few months later, same story. I moved her and her daughter in with me again. It was horribly difficult. She was in no way ready to be a mother and resented having to take care of the baby. It was too much for her to get benefits, as she couldn't pull it together enough to provide the necessary paperwork. She got jobs and lost them, etc. It was terrible. She met a guy on the internet and moved with the baby out of state to live with him. That year she called me on Christmas screaming that I should have sent her money to come home for the holidays. WTF??? That was about the point where I realized I needed to find a better way of dealing with her. I started reading every book and article I could find on similar situations and that's when I found this site. About 6 months later she showed up with my granddaughter on my doorstep at 2 am. When she moved in this time I wrote up an agreement with the basic rules I expected her to follow to stay with me. I had her sign it. She made it a few months, then broke a rule and I put her out. She didn't think I would do it, but I did. She left my house with nothing and nowhere to go. It was terribly difficult, but I knew I had to maintain the boundaries I set. I also called my parents immediately and told them not to give her any money. I gave them the abbreviated version of what was going on. They are very wealthy and I didn't want them softening the blow for her. I still don't know if they helped her or not.
At an rate, she floundered for several years- jumping around jobs, couch surfing, dating whoever, partying. It was very hard to watch and I worried a lot about my granddaughter. I called CPS on her probably 5 times. Eventually she got and maintained housing, kept one job, got sober and attended AA. She is now back in school. She finished her freshman year at community college and is starting her sophomore year at the university in our town. She just had her second child and her relationship seems relatively happy and stable. Her life has certainly not been what I hoped for her, but she seems to have figured it out pretty well at this point. I know this can all collapse tomorrow, so I appreciate things when they are good. I have also learned to keep my mouth shut. Her journey is hers, not the one I would choose for her. When she asks my advice I usually say something neutral like, "You're a smart woman. You'll figure it out." If I hadn't learned to set boundaries and focus on myself rather than her, I don't think she would be where she is today. We have a much better relationship now.
My advice to you is to be prepared. Hopefully things will go well for your daughter. But if not, be prepared with an agreement if she wants to move in with you. Mine had basic stuff like have a job in 2 weeks, pay 30% of your income towards household expenses, ask at least 3 days in advance if you want me to babysit, etc. Realize that if you set up this agreement with her you have to be willing to stick to it and put her out if she doesn't follow it. Also, realize she might abandon the baby with you. I worried about that but my daughter never did it. If she leaves the baby with you and doesn't return on time find out what length of time makes it legally abandonment and then call authorities to report it. Also, keep a journal of all of your interactions with her and the baby. Anything weird that happens- if you question if she is taking proper care of the baby, if either of them are being abused by the father, if she seems high or drunk when caring for the baby, etc. You might need that information later if you involve CPS or the police. Feel free to PM me with any questions. I've been through this and I know what it's like. I also got as much information about the father as I could- I got his police record, his Social Security number, employment, etc. He did some really sketchy things to my daughter after she left him like taking all of her personal documents- driver's license, Social Security card, birth certificate- it was a nightmare getting all that again. He also took the baby and ran off with her one time. My daughter took him to court after that and the judge required supervised visitation. Things like that were difficult because my daughter was suffering PTSD after getting out of a violent relationship and needed support and guidance as to what to do. She was also very young. It's really hard. I could tell way more stories about the things we went through. I know how stressful this is. Sending peace to you.
I should also add my granddaughter is a wonderful child in spite of all she has gone through. She attends private school and has to work hard, but keeps her grades high and has many friends. She is kind and compassionate, funny and thoughtful. And she is a nationally ranked gymnast. When I think of all she went through when she was very young it's amazing that she has turned out so well. I am very, very proud of her.
At an rate, she floundered for several years- jumping around jobs, couch surfing, dating whoever, partying. It was very hard to watch and I worried a lot about my granddaughter. I called CPS on her probably 5 times. Eventually she got and maintained housing, kept one job, got sober and attended AA. She is now back in school. She finished her freshman year at community college and is starting her sophomore year at the university in our town. She just had her second child and her relationship seems relatively happy and stable. Her life has certainly not been what I hoped for her, but she seems to have figured it out pretty well at this point. I know this can all collapse tomorrow, so I appreciate things when they are good. I have also learned to keep my mouth shut. Her journey is hers, not the one I would choose for her. When she asks my advice I usually say something neutral like, "You're a smart woman. You'll figure it out." If I hadn't learned to set boundaries and focus on myself rather than her, I don't think she would be where she is today. We have a much better relationship now.
My advice to you is to be prepared. Hopefully things will go well for your daughter. But if not, be prepared with an agreement if she wants to move in with you. Mine had basic stuff like have a job in 2 weeks, pay 30% of your income towards household expenses, ask at least 3 days in advance if you want me to babysit, etc. Realize that if you set up this agreement with her you have to be willing to stick to it and put her out if she doesn't follow it. Also, realize she might abandon the baby with you. I worried about that but my daughter never did it. If she leaves the baby with you and doesn't return on time find out what length of time makes it legally abandonment and then call authorities to report it. Also, keep a journal of all of your interactions with her and the baby. Anything weird that happens- if you question if she is taking proper care of the baby, if either of them are being abused by the father, if she seems high or drunk when caring for the baby, etc. You might need that information later if you involve CPS or the police. Feel free to PM me with any questions. I've been through this and I know what it's like. I also got as much information about the father as I could- I got his police record, his Social Security number, employment, etc. He did some really sketchy things to my daughter after she left him like taking all of her personal documents- driver's license, Social Security card, birth certificate- it was a nightmare getting all that again. He also took the baby and ran off with her one time. My daughter took him to court after that and the judge required supervised visitation. Things like that were difficult because my daughter was suffering PTSD after getting out of a violent relationship and needed support and guidance as to what to do. She was also very young. It's really hard. I could tell way more stories about the things we went through. I know how stressful this is. Sending peace to you.
I should also add my granddaughter is a wonderful child in spite of all she has gone through. She attends private school and has to work hard, but keeps her grades high and has many friends. She is kind and compassionate, funny and thoughtful. And she is a nationally ranked gymnast. When I think of all she went through when she was very young it's amazing that she has turned out so well. I am very, very proud of her.
Last edited:
