Very disappointed. 19yo DGD pregnant...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by ksm, Sep 14, 2019.

  1. elizabrary

    elizabrary Active Member

    My daughter had her baby when she was 19 also- that was nearly 10 years ago and the first 5 years were very difficult. Her boyfriend was also significantly older than her and had another child that he did not provide for or have a relationship with. He was also abusive to my daughter. The good thing is that after just a few months of living with him with the baby she wanted to get away, so I moved her in with me. Big mistake. She wasn't over him and went back to him shortly after. A few months later, same story. I moved her and her daughter in with me again. It was horribly difficult. She was in no way ready to be a mother and resented having to take care of the baby. It was too much for her to get benefits, as she couldn't pull it together enough to provide the necessary paperwork. She got jobs and lost them, etc. It was terrible. She met a guy on the internet and moved with the baby out of state to live with him. That year she called me on Christmas screaming that I should have sent her money to come home for the holidays. WTF??? That was about the point where I realized I needed to find a better way of dealing with her. I started reading every book and article I could find on similar situations and that's when I found this site. About 6 months later she showed up with my granddaughter on my doorstep at 2 am. When she moved in this time I wrote up an agreement with the basic rules I expected her to follow to stay with me. I had her sign it. She made it a few months, then broke a rule and I put her out. She didn't think I would do it, but I did. She left my house with nothing and nowhere to go. It was terribly difficult, but I knew I had to maintain the boundaries I set. I also called my parents immediately and told them not to give her any money. I gave them the abbreviated version of what was going on. They are very wealthy and I didn't want them softening the blow for her. I still don't know if they helped her or not.

    At an rate, she floundered for several years- jumping around jobs, couch surfing, dating whoever, partying. It was very hard to watch and I worried a lot about my granddaughter. I called CPS on her probably 5 times. Eventually she got and maintained housing, kept one job, got sober and attended AA. She is now back in school. She finished her freshman year at community college and is starting her sophomore year at the university in our town. She just had her second child and her relationship seems relatively happy and stable. Her life has certainly not been what I hoped for her, but she seems to have figured it out pretty well at this point. I know this can all collapse tomorrow, so I appreciate things when they are good. I have also learned to keep my mouth shut. Her journey is hers, not the one I would choose for her. When she asks my advice I usually say something neutral like, "You're a smart woman. You'll figure it out." If I hadn't learned to set boundaries and focus on myself rather than her, I don't think she would be where she is today. We have a much better relationship now.

    My advice to you is to be prepared. Hopefully things will go well for your daughter. But if not, be prepared with an agreement if she wants to move in with you. Mine had basic stuff like have a job in 2 weeks, pay 30% of your income towards household expenses, ask at least 3 days in advance if you want me to babysit, etc. Realize that if you set up this agreement with her you have to be willing to stick to it and put her out if she doesn't follow it. Also, realize she might abandon the baby with you. I worried about that but my daughter never did it. If she leaves the baby with you and doesn't return on time find out what length of time makes it legally abandonment and then call authorities to report it. Also, keep a journal of all of your interactions with her and the baby. Anything weird that happens- if you question if she is taking proper care of the baby, if either of them are being abused by the father, if she seems high or drunk when caring for the baby, etc. You might need that information later if you involve CPS or the police. Feel free to PM me with any questions. I've been through this and I know what it's like. I also got as much information about the father as I could- I got his police record, his Social Security number, employment, etc. He did some really sketchy things to my daughter after she left him like taking all of her personal documents- driver's license, Social Security card, birth certificate- it was a nightmare getting all that again. He also took the baby and ran off with her one time. My daughter took him to court after that and the judge required supervised visitation. Things like that were difficult because my daughter was suffering PTSD after getting out of a violent relationship and needed support and guidance as to what to do. She was also very young. It's really hard. I could tell way more stories about the things we went through. I know how stressful this is. Sending peace to you.

    I should also add my granddaughter is a wonderful child in spite of all she has gone through. She attends private school and has to work hard, but keeps her grades high and has many friends. She is kind and compassionate, funny and thoughtful. And she is a nationally ranked gymnast. When I think of all she went through when she was very young it's amazing that she has turned out so well. I am very, very proud of her.
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    Last edited: Sep 16, 2019
  2. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    RN0441 - I think she is probably 3 to 4 weeks along. He got out of jail 5 weeks ago... About the only thing I am doing is telling her about community resources, and paying the $30 copay to see her OB/GYN later this week. I am driving her to some appointments as she does not have a car,

    She did ask for a ride to the Salvation Army to get food. You can only get food every other month. I was amazed at the amount they got. Two boxes of hot dogs. I think there were 12 pkgs per box.

    Of course, boyfriend doesn't eat hot dogs, oh well, I told him he wouldn't starve. He reminds me so much of my older DGD...I think he may have FASD. I don't know if his mom drank during pregnancy, but she drinks a lot now! He totally lives for the moment, dropped out of school, can't hold a job...

    I'm trying to really not give advice. DGD knows she could move home in an emergency, but he will not be allowed to live in our home. Ksm
  3. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    JayPee - he probably walked with her to the convenience store...but without an ID he can't purchase them. They did talk to Salvation Army and got info from a church that helps people get an ID.

    It's so frustrating that over a year ago he was "trying to get an ID." At least over 14 months he got his SS card and birth certificate!

    There are lots of red flags. I fought this since she was 14. It might have just made her more determined to be with him.

  4. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Copabanana - I think both of them are doing pretty good with their substance abuse issues. He gets random tests as part of his probation.

    His time in jail was due to not paying fines and not taking anger mgt class. So far, I have not seen any bruises on her arms. I wish I could change her mind, but I've decided to step back and let them figure this out.

    I know that helping her invariably helps him. So we will not give money. But I've told her about WIC, food stamps, Medicaid. I'm only willing to help her get benefits that others in her position can get from the state/community.

    I kind of hope that the doctor tells her she's further along than 5 weeks.then it wouldn't be his child. Awful thing to say, but I wish it wasn't his, as now, even if she breaks up with him, this will connect them for the rest of their lives. He has always been able to manipulate her. If it was not his, he would be more likely to walk away.

    I've tried to tell her that since he and his wife had a child removed from them (born premature and positive for drugs) that she would be under extra scrutiny.

    I don't think she believes me. Ksm
  5. DaisyC1234

    DaisyC1234 Member

    I really feel for you. My daughter is going on 26 and currently pregnant with her 2nd child and still has no place to live. She and my grand daughter have been staying with us since April. I didn't find out she was pregnant until she was about 6 months along. Before I found out she was pregnant I told her she has to figure out her living situation by the end of September. She is on WIC and got on the states medical plan. She now has my parents car because they are king and queen of enablers and I haven't spoken to my parents since my mom decided to call me and question the deadline I gave my daughter. It's been really "fun" these past couple of months.

    I do not want her there because she's the type of person who takes advantage of the situation. She thinks because my 15 year old son is home she can take off and leave my grand daughter with him. He loves his niece to death and would never say no to watch her, but he doesn't quite understand why we need to say no.

    I have a feeling that September 30 will come a go with no movement from her and then here come the excuses. She still has not received her Pell Grant money yet so she can get a place to live like she said, but feels no sense of urgency to really do anything about it. I asked if she has a plan B and she says no plan B, just need to leave.

    Hang in there. There is a lot great people on this site and it's helped me so much. I struggle with feeling guilty and like I'm the bad person for giving my pregnant daughter a deadline as to when she needs to be out. My grand daughter is turning 3 next week, so I think she's had plenty of time, 3 years or actually longer, to get full time job and a place to live.
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  6. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    Is she still going to class? Does she like it? Is she doing homework, etc.?
  7. DaisyC1234

    DaisyC1234 Member

    Yes she's been going to class. She seems to like it. Yes, she does homework, but plans poorly and expects me to watch my grand daughter, which I don't mind, but I can't keep doing it. Both of my other children play golf and I'd actually like to do things I like to do. She thinks we are her live in nanny's.

    She has to complete community hours this week, 30 to be exact, to keep her license, which she should have been doing all month. So she thinks she's going to do all 30 this week before the due date....really. She's going to screw it up or my parents will come into the picture and probably pay it.

    I have an indoor camera facing the living room and kitchen area. She's still laying on the couch at 11am doing nothing.
  8. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    So she's due next week? If they have to induce she may not be able to. Sadly, I expect grandpa is going to open up the checkbook. With swollen ankles, etc., I don't see her being able to do much. I don't blame her for wanting to lay on the couch and do nothing, but the community service sentence was given months ago. Maybe she can get an extension.
  9. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    She is newly pregnant. She is not due.
  10. DaisyC1234

    DaisyC1234 Member

    I meant that the community hours are due this week sometime, all 30 hours, and she's just now going to all of them she said. The baby is Due on October 22.

    She still have a month to go before the baby comes.
  11. JayPee

    JayPee Sending good vibes...


    I really feel for you. You've got your work cut out for you. It's tough enough for me to stop enabling my Adult Sons, who have their own set of issues but I can't imagine the level of guilt and responsibility you must feel with the 2nd grandchild on the way and your daughter not stepping up to her responsibilities.

    This just adds another layer to the problems.

    Maybe you could put together and give her a family itinerary. Let her know you will be gone such and such a time and so won't your 15 yr. old son so she'll have to hopefully think a head a little bit. Stick to your schedule and she'll see you are serious. Besides, it's important for you to take care of yourself and by not waiting around to see what "she" does she'll have to do something if everyone is gone when she decides she wants to complete her community service in marathon fashion (been I know what you're going thru).
  12. DaisyC1234

    DaisyC1234 Member

    Oh I feel really guilty, but she has options as to where she can go. I am going to impose a 3 days notice on babysitting and no more than twice a week. She likes to take off in the middle of the night to go help this boyfriend at work and my grand daughter comes to my room crying cause she can't find her mom, so she just sleeps with us the rest of the night.
  13. JayPee

    JayPee Sending good vibes...

    I like it. You sound strong and have conviction!
  14. DaisyC1234

    DaisyC1234 Member

    Thank you, but my parents don't think so. Apparently I'm not helping enough. I am sure buying her a car and giving her unlimited use of my credit card, maybe even giving up my master bedroom would really make them happy.
  15. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member


    Your parents are wrong on this one.

    Stick to your timeline.

    Your daughter won’t get better by being catered to and enabled, and allowed to shirk her responsibilities. This will only lead her to believe that she is entitled to have her way, no matter the cost to others.

    Most women nowadays work a full-time job while pregnant, and often have other kids and other responsibilities to take care of. No sleeping on the couch all day.

    If your parents want to enable her, that is their business, sadly. But don’t make it your problem.
  16. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member


    I’m sorry to hear that your dgd is pregnant. She is choosing a hard road for herself, sadly.

    I hope you will continue with your plans for retirement with your hubby.
  17. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    A lot of bad things could happen in three weeks. I always sound like the eternal pessimist. Has her doctor counseled her and tried to prepare for this possibility? I certainly hope it all goes well. Until she's past the first trimester, a lot could happen.
  18. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    She sees the OB/GYN this afternoon. I will take her to the appointment, and I believe boyfriend is going, too. I will drop them off and let them do this on their own. Except for the copay. I have the application for Medicaid almost filled out, just need her to answer a couple questions and sign and take it back to the office I picked it up from.

    She says she's stopped smoking, then said she's only smoking a few puffs off someone else's. Sigh. I'm not happy about the pregnancy, but I expect both of them to step up and give this child the best chance for a healthy life,