Just got back to work yesterday and so busy I was unable to get on the forum and read everyone's posts. Wow. Thank you all SO MUCH for your words of wisdom and kindness and support.
Leafy welcome back if even briefly. We all miss your words of wisdom more than you can image. This girl the most!
So things took a turn when we got to Florida. My son has my phone on his "Find a Phone" which I forgot about (we are on same plan) and once we got into our rental car he texted husband "I see you are in Florida".
OMG! We forgot about that. I felt bad he knew we had lied. Husband did not respond that night. The next day they texted about car issues and son asked if he could come for a few days for the holiday. My husband said he thought we should let him and that he would take the lead. I was NOT emotionally prepared for this but I felt it was the right thing to do in spite of everything.
On Wednesday afternoon he did come and brought his girlfriend who just lost her mother a few weeks ago. When they pulled up I freaked out had horrible anxiety and thought I'd burst into tears but my husband calmed me down and then I was okay. Just think good things. I had not seen him for eight months. He looked good. Grew some and looked scrubbed clean, had hair cut and gel etc. She brought me a little bouquet of flowers and a card and I hugged her first because I am grateful for her. Then I hugged him and it felt good. It had been a long time. During the visit he seemed generally happy and his old self but at times I did see his anxiety come out and this made me very anxious. She however, is the calmest person I have ever seen in my life. She has a calming effect, even on me. She is only 18. She is very quiet. He seems to be doing good at his job and likes it.
My husband and I went boating Friday morning with my sister in law's friends. We said they could stay and swim but we were on vacation and we wanted to enjoy ourselves. That was good for me to be able to do. Son had to work Friday evening and had a 3 hour drive. They were gone when we got back.
I was so relieved. I was very nervous when he was there. Husband felt sad that our son was gone. Obviously he was not as traumatized by everything that happened in the past as I am.
We kept the visit light. girlfriend was always there and that was probably a good thing. As we all know, NOTHING we/I say matters anyway so why use energy to go down that road, again. It's all been said a million times. On a good note, my son did have his share of the rent money that my husband told him he must pay every month. He also has been paying for all of his food and incidentals. We are just helping him with rent right now.
We spent a lot of time at the beach this past week and when I look at the ocean and it's grandness I am humbled and I know that I am just a small part in all of this. In some ways a dark cloud has lifted by seeing my son again but as usual, I always fear what can happen and know that we have been down this road many times and I cannot predict the future. Baby steps. When he decides he is done with it all then he will be and nothing I do can change this. I am working hard to push worry out of my mind and give it to my higher power. The ocean represents that there is a higher power for me. I had a good session with my therapist last night trying to sort out my feelings of wanting to be near him but not wanting to be near him at the same time. We will return to spend Christmas with him in a few weeks.
