Well I'm back and being stupid still...again!!!!!!!

[DammitJanet]

Robby...you cant stop his hurts...only he can. You have no idea why he acts the way he does. He can decide on his own to either be happy or wallow in despair. If he is in pain over his biomom on some deep level...well...he can access therapy as an adult if he ever wishes to heal.

Work, shop, investigate someone...keep yourself occupied. Heck...I will give you my ex's name and you can practice investigating him...lmao.

 

[Ephchap]

Robby,

I'm so sorry to hear that things haven't gotten better with difficult child. As you know, he has to be the one to decide to turn it around. Not easy on our mama bear instincts to protect, but it's part of growing up, which he obviously needs to do.

Sending hugs. It sounds like this is a very tough time for you.

Deb

 

[saving grace]

Robby, there is nothing wrong with you. Nothing at all! Do NOT own this! I read your post and I could have written it word for word about my own life. Its not a good feeling, it hurts like heck and we just want it to stop. I cant put mine out either. I am afraid that he has no where to go. Your not alone.

BUT with that said husband comes first. Let him do this. Trust him.. support his decsisons. It is hard hard hard.

We are here to support you every step of the way.

Hugs

Grace

 

[witzend]

I hate to say it Robbie, but I'm with your husband. All I can say is that once they are gone, it gets easier and easier to not feel badly about it. And the longer you wait to kick them out the harder it is to do it.

I know that deep down in your heart you know that this is the right thing to do. It's a matter of the devil you know winning out over the devil you don't know. The thing of it is, if you don't kick him out, that devil will never go away. When you do it will only get better.

Be strong, stand by your husband, and do what you have to do. If it makes you feel better you can honestly look your difficult child in the eye and say "I don't have the heart to do this, but dad is going to leave me if you don't go and I have to protect myself. I need and love your father and your job is to grow up and be on your own."

 

[Hound dog]

Robbie

You're not stupid dear. You're a Mom who loves her son and wants to help him. The problem is that he has to want to help himself, until he does nothing anyone does will matter. It's a tough thing for a mommy heart to take.

Let husband take the reins on this one. I wish I could make it hurt less.

((((hugs))))

 

[Suz]

Robby, I wish you would stop being so hard on yourself. Each of us has these moments of excruciating doubt. And each of us loses our resolve at times. I think it's important to know what our Achilles heels are with our kids. It's the only way we can learn about ourselves and then have a jumping off point to know what the next step should be. That's why I said I didn't understand- I wanted to make sure you did.

You and I have a big thing in common. We both "project" on to our difficult child. I used to project my feelings as being Rob's feelings. And they weren't---they were mine alone.

You seem to be doing the same... "I think difficult child is so hurt that his biomom doesn't care? He has never said as much...just something in my mind..how I would feel."

It's so easy to do. And what you are saying and feeling makes so much sense. But you have no idea if, in fact, they are really how he is feeling...and, even if it is true, he is an adult now and how he is behaving is socially unacceptable...and I'm confident that he knows it, too (you know those Drill Sergeants made sure he knew how to behave!!!)!

I guess I worry most about the damage being done to your relationship with your husband. I watched my marriage go down the tubes because of disparate opinions on how to raise Rob and decisions made. It was a little at a time. It whittles down your strength. It whittles down your self esteem. It whittles down your resolve. It makes you start to look at each other as the possible reason for why your child is the way he is, instead of making the child responsible for his actions.

I know I'm rambling. I'm sorry. You are not a mess. You are a touch off balance right now but you will regain your footing. I have confidence in you.

Valentine's Day is approaching. I think someone already suggested a getaway for you and husband. Can you manage it? It sounds like the timing couldn't be better to re-establish your union.

Big hugs,
Suz

 

[Coookie]

Thank you all... :frown:

"I don't have the heart to do this, but dad is going to leave me if you don't go and I have to protect myself. I need and love your father and your job is to grow up and be on your own."

Witz, I am going to say this, or something very close to it.

difficult child has filled out 2 applications this week and is waiting for some info from ITT Tech...I don't know if that will change husband's mind or not. I'm going to just try to stand back and sit on my lips...that could be tough...standing.. :smirk:

Suz,

You are right about the projecting. It is very similar to not believing that they are who they really are and looking deeper for another reason for their actions.. :crazy:

I am extremely hard on myself. Angry that I have fallen back into the same old trap with difficult child. :mad: Thought I was further along than that. :mad:

difficult child is supposed to take his drivers test today..hopefully he will get up and do it. Please hold a good thought.

I am going to try to plan a getaway for Valentines. Work schedules do not coincide too well right now but I'm sure I can work something out. :cool:

Thank you all again. I will let you know about the test.

Hugs

 

[TYLERFAN]

Congratulations on passing! :bravo:
Shall we all call you "Coookie P.I." now? :bravo:
You are feeling the deepest kind of Fear....fear of what will happen to your son if he is on the street. I have to absolutely agree with what the others have said...."difficult child's always seem to find a place to go." They tend to survive. I know that is no guarantee.....and mine suffered unimaginably on the street. She was younger and didn't pass boot camp. Which by the way your difficult child did. That in itself is an accomplishment worthy of him having alot of survival skills.
I know it's hard.

Blessings,
Melissa *

 

[ScentofCedar]

Losing our marriages, beginning to think less of our husbands and ourselves ~ these are the signposts of the battle we are all fighting, Robbie. It is so hard to watch a child self-destruct. That is what difficult child is doing. Beating ourselves up for that is not going to help them or change them.

What you are doing now ~ working, going to school, making your own life bigger and your own spirit stronger ~ those are the things that will help difficult child in the end.

It helped me to make a conscious effort to steer my emotions, Robbie. I could not help but see my husband with tarnished eyes when he failed to save the day. What I was able to do is to see success in another light. husband successfully cherishes me, successfully loves his children and does the best he knows through dark, dark times.

If you are going to lose your marriage, Robbie, lose it on your own terms ~ not because difficult child managed to worm his way back in and destroy it.

Let difficult child go. Tend your husband and your home and see what happens, next.

Set a date by which difficult child must leave. Tell him you have allowed time for him to work, get his license, save enough for an apartment. Pick three months, or a year or a week ~ but set a date.

Whether he does those things or not, make him leave on that day.

His choice.

That was the only way we could do it, too.

If you have to pay for an apartment DO IT.

Barbara

 

[rejectedmom]

Cookie, I didn't see this post yesterday. I did see that difficult child did get his licence today and posted to that thread. I see you are being very hard on yourself. That is only going to make you more depressed. I also wonder if you are trying to show your difficult child that he was loved just as wholly by his step mother as anyone ever could be by a bio mom. The thing is, he knows that, your husband knows that and you know that too.

For years you have been in the care giver mode. But your difficult child doesn't need a care giver anymore. He needs a strong caring person to stand up to him and force him to take care of himself. You didn't think you could do that so your husband said he would and you agreed to let him. I think you just need to reaffirm within yourself that that is the best thing and you will get your strength and resolve back.

I am sure your difficult child is depressed as well he should be. He screwed up royally and he is going to pay for that in many ways throughout his life. But catering to him and allowing him to wollow in self pitty isn't going to make anything better. You know that. And to choose that over your husband doesn't make any sence at all.

You can be kind and nurturing toward your difficult child without being enabeling. You are a smart and wonderful and caring person. Let yourself be that. Go on with your life suport yur husband's limit setting and reast easy in the knowledge that you and he are acting out of love. -RM

 

[SunnyFlorida]

Sorry for how you are feeling Robby. Been so self absorbed lately that I haven't been around.

Three words Robby....let it go.

husband is handling difficult child....let it go.

Concentrate on husband and let difficult child go.

Your husband cares for you so deeply. You did a fantastic job of raising difficult child. Whatever difficult child's thoughts are to his biomom is for him to figure out when he's up to it. Right now you need to remember that you were there for all his needs growing up. You successfully did your job. Now it's time to let husband manage the rest and for you to be at husband's side supporting his decisions.

I'm not sure why you've fallen back as your resolve was so self assurred a while ago.

Sending some cyber support and gentle hugs to re-energize you. :smile: :warrior: