Went Too Far, The Saga Continues...

[Skool Teacher]

I'm back and it's been a while. I put my child out in February 2016 and it's been relatively peaceful without her here. I say relatively because I did get a visit from her once and the lady that she is staying with came over with a truck load of BS and my daughter went off on me because she was put out and refuses to take any of the responsibilities for why I put her out. She thought I was playing with her and that surely I'd let her come back. She's faked 2 seizures and has racked up a mountain of hospital bills that were covered by insurance, thank God. She's asked to come home now twice and I've told her no each time and to continue to work and save her money so she can get her own place and transportation. I know she is working, don't know if she's saving money or is even close to getting her own place. I had dinner with her once and she looked emaciated, had the worse clothes on that she own and is still way too concerned about others, social media and this disrespectful boy she is now broken up with. I was really heartbroken after seeing her because her life didn't and doesn't have to be this way but I don't know how to help her anymore after all the lies, disrespect and her stealing from me. I still worry about her and am not sure if or when I'll a call telling me something devastating.

Now I'm writing because I'm still very stressed out even with her not being here there still things going on that affect me and my sanity. The lady that she lives with calls me at least once or twice a week either stating something that my daughter is doing that she doesn't like or with some plea for help or some type of negative update about her. I entertained her calls initially but now when she calls I don't answer. This lady leaves these long winded messages that are so long the answering machine will cut off. Now when the phone rings it stresses me out because I never know when she is going to call and what she is going to say about my daughter.

The lady's son was my daughters boyfriend they've broken up now but my daughter still lives with the lady. I don't know how she got mixed up with this group of dramatic misfits but she's there and Lord knows what is going on. I thought the lady was ok but now I feel like my daughter should get away from them. She has been in two accidents since she's been with them and this lady son doesn't live with her but she's allowing my daughter to stay with her. Strange and weird. The lady said she put her son out because he hit her and because he called her a . So I'm thinking what is he going to do to my daughter if he clearly doesn't care about or respect his mother? The lady charges my child rent and gas money for taking her to work. The one good thing about her being with this lady is that my child is going to work.

My daughter called me Sunday, left a message that she wanted to talk. I called her back and braced myself for what she might say. She wanted to come back home until she receives money from a settlement from one of the accidents she was in. I told her no and to see if she could stay with one of her friends until she could get her own place. She said I was missing the point and hung up. The phone rang again and her ex-boyfriend left a message basically telling me off, cussing me out and telling me F' me that I sucked as a mother. I blocked his number. I emailed my child and told her don't call me anymore and I'd keep praying for her.

Hours later, I thought about what occurred with the phone call from her ex and I reached out to her again via email and told her she needed to leave there and stay with someone else until she can afford to get her own place. I offered to help her move when she is ready but coming back home was not an option. I haven't heard back from her.

The lady called me again today with some long winded message wanting to talk to me and meeting me somewhere and that my child lost her license and she's sick and needs help and needs to go to the hospital at some point for help....

I'm very TIRED of this crap! I don't want to block this lady from calling but I feel like if I don't I'm going to lose my mind. My daughter is not here but I'm still dealing with her BS with others involved now. The only reason I haven't block the lady from calling is so I at least know what's going on with her. Now, it's all too much and this lady calls me like a child telling on another child. I want to scream at her each time she calls...."What in the HELL do you want me to do?" You are letting this 21 year old live with you and you choose to deal with her BS, why do you feel the need to keep telling me everything that happens with her??????

Please give some insight on how to deal with this latest round of crap that keeps occurring. I'm at my wits end on how to deal with this other than to keep ignoring this as best I can or completely cutting all communications with this lady and my daughter to avoid the stress and drama that comes each time either of them call or try to communicate with me.

Is this ever going to stop? Will my daughter ever get her damn life together?

 

[rebelson]

I am sorry you're dealing with this. I can envision your story re: the woman calling you, you not wanting to block her. I totally get that. I have a few questions.

Does she really suffer from seizures? On medications?

What does the woman say is wrong with your dtr, health-wise right now?

Does your dtr have a drug or etoh problem?

How long until her settlement comes?

 

[slsh]

Hi Skool Teacher. Gentle hugs - it can be just as (if not more stressful) to have them not living with us as when they are living with us!

First off - a list of canned responses to have by the phone to help you maintain detachment.

As far as the mom.... sigh. Honestly - it makes me nuts to hear this stuff. Went through it with my son's girlfriend's mom many years ago. She would call me and just gripe and gripe about X, Y, and Z. I just took it and um-hmmmmed a lot and bit my tongue, but what I *really* wanted to say to this nut case was... well, I think you know exactly what I wanted to say to her, LOL!

this lady calls me like a child telling on another child. I want to scream at her each time she calls...."What in the HELL do you want me to do?" You are letting this 21 year old live with you and you choose to deal with her BS, why do you feel the need to keep telling me everything that happens with her??????

And when I refused to "fix" whatever the problem of the day was, she would launch into her "I could never send *my* kid away" spiel because she was a much better mom than me. What-the-heck-ever.

Daughter's ex should definitely be blocked.

For me, it took a really concentrated effort to just stay out of it all. I was lucky in some ways because son didn't call often, so aside from the crazy mother, I was (and still am) blissfully ignorant of much of what was going on in his life at that time. One of the hardest things to learn was to just keep my mouth shut. On the rare occasion he called asking for advice or to complain about his life, any advice I gave was just 100% wrong, so... yeah, I eventually learned to just bite my tongue and keep my opinions to myself.

Daughter knows how to get herself to hospital if she's sick. You don't need to be involved - she's 21.

When daughter calls with her ailments/drama, let her know you're concerned, and you hope that she feels better soon, and thank goodness she has insurance/a job/whatever positive applies to the situation. You're letting her adult, as she should be adulting at this point.

You have the right to have a peaceful life. No, the worry doesn't ever really go away, but.... it is absolutely unnecessary for you to get sucked into the drama. It takes practice to master detachment. While you're working on it, I'd keep the lines of communication open with her, but in small doses. When the poor me pity party starts, after you point out the positive tools/resources she has available to her, remember that batch of cookies you're burning, or that your toilet is overflowing, or whatever.

And I'd tell ex's mom that she needs to discuss this stuff with your daughter, not you.

Again, many gentle hugs to you. This stage of my kid's growing up was the hardest and most stressful for me, but it will pass.

 

[Tanya M]

Hi Skool,

My heart goes out to you. I know how frustrating it is to deal with all of this.

I put my child out in February 2016

This is where I think the "verbage" needs to be changed. When parents say "I put my child out" or "I kicked my child out" it has such a negative tone to it and that in turn sets the "tone"
I much prefer the saying "I have liberated you"
We liberate our adult kids so that they can live their own lives.
If your daughter, the boyfriend or anyone else makes a comment to you about your "putting her out" calmly tell them that you did not "put her out" you "liberated her so that she can live her own life"

I still worry about her and am not sure if or when I'll a call telling me something devastating.

I hear you! For myself the only way I was able to find peace with this was to truly accept that yes, someday I may get a phone call with the worst news on the other end. I came to realize that yes, something bad could happen because of the lifestyle my son lives but my wasting precious energy worrying about it will change nothing, it will only rob me of peace and energy.

The lady that she lives with calls me at least once or twice a week either stating something that my daughter is doing that she doesn't like or with some plea for help or some type of negative update about her.

Just as we have to set clear boundaries with our adult kids we also have to set boundaries with other people in our lives. My suggestion is to write down your response, that way when she calls you will be ready and won't get tongue tied.
I would suggest telling her something like this: "My daughter is an adult, I have no control over her choices and cannot help you"
If she persists, just keep reading that same line over and over. After the fourth time, I would say something like "someone's at the door, gotta go, bye"

I thought the lady was ok but now I feel like my daughter should get away from them.

Skool, you may not like the situation she is in but there is nothing you can do. Your daughter has made the choice to stay with these people and for the time being they are allowing her to stay.
Trust me on this, if she isn't staying with them, she very well might be staying with someone else that is just like them. I've been there too many times with my son. It is best to separate yourself from the choices she is making. I know how hard it is but you cannot control her.

My daughter called me Sunday, left a message that she wanted to talk. I called her back and braced myself for what she might say. She wanted to come back home until she receives money from a settlement from one of the accidents she was in. I told her no and to see if she could stay with one of her friends until she could get her own place. She said I was missing the point and hung up. The phone rang again and her ex-boyfriend left a message basically telling me off, cussing me out and telling me F' me that I sucked as a mother. I blocked his number. I emailed my child and told her don't call me anymore and I'd keep praying for her.

Well of course she wants to come home. She has gotten a taste of what it's like to not be sheltered under moms roof. Here's the thing with these difficult adult children, they want to comfort and safety of living under our roof BUT they don't want to follow or respect our rules and boundaries.

The only reason I haven't block the lady from calling is so I at least know what's going on with her.

This is a double edged sword. You want to know yet you don't want to know.
For myself, I have learned that it is best for me to not know. I do not need to know all that goes on with my son. My son is an adult, it's his life and his choice how he wants to live it.
I do not hear from my son very often, only when he has access to free wifi then he might post something on Facebook. Today, he posted something very simple. All it said was: he has the ideal employment and is the happiest he has ever been. I liked the comment to let him know I saw it but I do not comment or ask any questions. The reason I don't ask any questions is because I may not like the answer. For all I know he found employment working on a pot farm. His life, his choice, none of my business.

I know it's hard to separate yourself from your daughters chaos but you are getting there. You are doing the right thing by not answering every time she calls.

Hang in there!! You can do this.

((HUGS)) to you...........................

 

[slsh]

Tanya said it all, so much better than I. Yes, yes, and yes!!!

 

[TheWalrus]

I was really heartbroken after seeing her because her life didn't and doesn't have to be this way

Neither does yours. Sometimes we need to be reminded of that.

 

[detachingmother]

My first thought when I read this was, hmmmm....go with the seizure disorder and get some seizure medications for daughter. Many of the seizure medications act like antidepressants and mood stabilizers. I sometimes use whatever creative ways I can conjure up to get the end goal done. Anyway....

I get it. You are just done. I don't have much to add and got more from reading Tanya's suggestions. I always do tell other people who call me about my son's behavior things that she has suggested. Truly, your daughter is an adult, and who is anyone to try to tell you to continue enabling your daughter.

Great suggestions about flipping the way "kicking the kid out" to your are liberating your daughter. Love that.

 

[Skool Teacher]

I am sorry you're dealing with this

I am sorry you're dealing with this. I can envision your story re: the woman calling you, you not wanting to block her. I totally get that. I have a few questions.

Does she really suffer from seizures? On medications?

What does the woman say is wrong with your dtr, health-wise right now?

Does your dtr have a drug or etoh problem?

How long until her settlement comes?

How long until her settlement comes?

Hi Rebelson,

No she doesn't suffer from seizures and she is not on medications. The lady just says that she's sick and she's said this more than once. She alluded to seizures and some convoluted story about her son had seizures and blah, blah, blah. She always says she's sick and will eventually need to get some help. I'm assuming that means mentally but she never says what is so-called wrong with her. My daughter drinks and smokes weed. On social media she often boasts of taking 'perkies' or 'xanies' so I assume that she is taking pills too. My daughter has never said when 'said' settlement is supposed to come--if this is actually true...

 

[Skool Teacher]

Hi Skool,

My heart goes out to you. I know how frustrating it is to deal with all of this.


This is where I think the "verbage" needs to be changed. When parents say "I put my child out" or "I kicked my child out" it has such a negative tone to it and that in turn sets the "tone"
I much prefer the saying "I have liberated you"
We liberate our adult kids so that they can live their own lives.
If your daughter, the boyfriend or anyone else makes a comment to you about your "putting her out" calmly tell them that you did not "put her out" you "liberated her so that she can live her own life"


I hear you! For myself the only way I was able to find peace with this was to truly accept that yes, someday I may get a phone call with the worst news on the other end. I came to realize that yes, something bad could happen because of the lifestyle my son lives but my wasting precious energy worrying about it will change nothing, it will only rob me of peace and energy.


Just as we have to set clear boundaries with our adult kids we also have to set boundaries with other people in our lives. My suggestion is to write down your response, that way when she calls you will be ready and won't get tongue tied.
I would suggest telling her something like this: "My daughter is an adult, I have no control over her choices and cannot help you"
If she persists, just keep reading that same line over and over. After the fourth time, I would say something like "someone's at the door, gotta go, bye"


Skool, you may not like the situation she is in but there is nothing you can do. Your daughter has made the choice to stay with these people and for the time being they are allowing her to stay.
Trust me on this, if she isn't staying with them, she very well might be staying with someone else that is just like them. I've been there too many times with my son. It is best to separate yourself from the choices she is making. I know how hard it is but you cannot control her.


Well of course she wants to come home. She has gotten a taste of what it's like to not be sheltered under moms roof. Here's the thing with these difficult adult children, they want to comfort and safety of living under our roof BUT they don't want to follow or respect our rules and boundaries.


This is a double edged sword. You want to know yet you don't want to know.
For myself, I have learned that it is best for me to not know. I do not need to know all that goes on with my son. My son is an adult, it's his life and his choice how he wants to live it.
I do not hear from my son very often, only when he has access to free wifi then he might post something on Facebook. Today, he posted something very simple. All it said was: he has the ideal employment and is the happiest he has ever been. I liked the comment to let him know I saw it but I do not comment or ask any questions. The reason I don't ask any questions is because I may not like the answer. For all I know he found employment working on a pot farm. His life, his choice, none of my business.

I know it's hard to separate yourself from your daughters chaos but you are getting there. You are doing the right thing by not answering every time she calls.

Hang in there!! You can do this.

((HUGS)) to you...........................

Thank you Tanya M. You said it all and all of your insight has given me much comfort. I didn't sleep well last night and wrestled with going to get her and putting her either in some type of treatment facility or just finding her an apartment near her job. I cried a lot last night and this morning but I know I need to just step back and let her navigate her life and stay out of it.

 

[Sister's Keeper]

Skool,

Perkies and xanies are percocet and xanax, so, yes, I would assume that she is abusing pills, too.

Oddly enough, people with both personality disorders and addiction fake seizures. The addicts, obviously, to get drugs, and benzodiazepines (valium, ativan, xanax) are used in an emergency situation to "break" a seizure.

I think the others are right. I think that you need to have a "script" when this other woman calls. "My daughter is an adult, she is responsible for herself." or something of the the kind.

 

[TheWalrus]

My daughter is both an addict and has a personality disorder. She claims she has seizures. I have never seen one, and she never had them growing up or as a teenager. She never had these "seizures" until she had been moved out for over a year. Interestingly enough, when she brought them up, she would bring up getting disability. She also brought it up when she mentioned someone she knew who received benefits for being bi-polar.

I hate to say it, but she lies and manipulates so much, I really never know what to believe. The only thing I know is true is that she is a drug addict. Does she have seizures? Does she have a disorder? I wasn't always the most supportive or believing because of her history of lying. To be honest, I still wonder how much or how severe things are, as she receives disability and several drugs for her "various" issues.

 

[Skool Teacher]

Skool,

Perkies and xanies are percocet and xanax, so, yes, I would assume that she is abusing pills, too.

Oddly enough, people with both personality disorders and addiction fake seizures. The addicts, obviously, to get drugs, and benzodiazepines (valium, ativan, xanax) are used in an emergency situation to "break" a seizure.

I think the others are right. I think that you need to have a "script" when this other woman calls. "My daughter is an adult, she is responsible for herself." or something of the the kind.

Sister's Keeper, I don't need a script now. I officially blocked the lady from calling me yesterday. I'm to the point now, I just really don't want to know anything anymore. I will not be receiving or entertaining anymore calls from this woman. Tired of being stressed out by someone I don't even know. And I assumed from the first fake seizure that she did it to get attention and to get drugs and you just confirmed that my assumption was probably right. Thank you for your response.

 

[BusynMember]

Good for you.

This really is not your problem. (The woman). She offered your adult daughter a place to stay and how the two of them deal with it is between them.

I'm so glad you gave yourself a break.

Have a peaceful day.

 

[so ready to live]

Hi Skool. Great job protecting you.

Tired of being stressed out by someone I don't even know

As I've read your post I so felt "oh my gosh, does she really need one more person telling her about her daughter?" Let alone someone you don't really know. People and their drama. we've all had enough for a lifetime. I know that those who have not been there often have lots of advice but this lady needs to know to deal with your daughter not you. Now you are making it clear that you are "not her keeper".

She wanted to come back home until she receives money from a settlement from one of the accidents she was in. I told her no and to see if she could stay with one of her friends until she could get her own place. She said I was missing the point and hung up.

sounds so familiar...we are always missing the point and there's always until...until my settlement, until my tax return, until I get paid...until pigs fly. I actually read your initial post to my hubby last night and he winced in pain. Ugh. Our son also has been out since Feb. and has contacted us once. Hubby saw him, I chose to not be home. It's best just to know he's breathing but to not interact with him for me. I know I can't take it. I was so close to the edge of a breakdown before he left.
Walrus said it best-- No her life doesn't have to be this way and neither do ours. I kind of felt "slapped" when I read that but It is the most truthful, isn't it? You deserve better. It's odd that if anyone else treated us the way our kids do, we would have no qualms about separating from them. We would do it quickly in whatever way seemed appropriate. When our kids step on us with disrespect of every form and we continue to engage we teach them it's o.k. It is not o.k. for me anymore. Does it hurt? Sure, but it is right. I hope holding your ground is empowering for you, you've done all you can. Prayers.

 

[Skool Teacher]

Hi Skool. Great job protecting you.
As I've read your post I so felt "oh my gosh, does she really need one more person telling her about her daughter?" Let alone someone you don't really know. People and their drama. we've all had enough for a lifetime. I know that those who have not been there often have lots of advice but this lady needs to know to deal with your daughter not you. Now you are making it clear that you are "not her keeper".
sounds so familiar...we are always missing the point and there's always until...until my settlement, until my tax return, until I get paid...until pigs fly. I actually read your initial post to my hubby last night and he winced in pain. Ugh. Our son also has been out since Feb. and has contacted us once. Hubby saw him, I chose to not be home. It's best just to know he's breathing but to not interact with him for me. I know I can't take it. I was so close to the edge of a breakdown before he left.
Walrus said it best-- No her life doesn't have to be this way and neither do ours. I kind of felt "slapped" when I read that but It is the most truthful, isn't it? You deserve better. It's odd that if anyone else treated us the way our kids do, we would have no qualms about separating from them. We would do it quickly in whatever way seemed appropriate. When our kids step on us with disrespect of every form and we continue to engage we teach them it's o.k. It is not o.k. for me anymore. Does it hurt? Sure, but it is right. I hope holding your ground is empowering for you, you've done all you can. Prayers.

So Ready to Live, thank you for your response. I believe I've had several breakdowns and currently living through one now. I'm able to function thru these breakdowns but barely. I'm a teacher and I have to be able to turn on for my students and this is how I'm able to continue to get up and function thru all of this crap with my daughter. But I know without a doubt, I've had multiple breakdowns (undiagnosed). Today is my wedding anniversary and I'm truly in no mood to celebrate. So I've got to reach down and pull something from somewhere to be ok for my husband when all I want to do is cry and stay in bed. I do thank you sincerely for your kind words and it's good to know I'm not alone in this struggle. I appreciate your prayers and know I'm praying for your family as well. There is a rainbow somewhere for us right???

 

[so ready to live]

Skool...do it for your students, do it for your husband. There is truth in "fake it till you make it". Speak it out loud and to yourself that you are going to be alright. You will be alright. Yes, there's a rainbow-perhaps hidden by clouds but it is there just the same. Hang on. If you do, I can. Prayers.

 

[GoingNorth]

Actually, if she is dependent on "xannies" (Xanax, alprazolam), and is suffering withdrawal occasionally, she very well could be suffering drastic personality changes, extreme irritability, AND SEIZURES. Withdrawal from Percoset (Oxycodone with-acetaminophen) is opiate withdrawal. It'll make you sicker than a dog and you may wish you were dead, but it won't kill you.

xanax and other benzo withdrawal can be lethal.

 

[Skool Teacher]

Actually, if she is dependent on "xannies" (Xanax, alprazolam), and is suffering withdrawal occasionally, she very well could be suffering drastic personality changes, extreme irritability, AND SEIZURES. Withdrawal from Percoset (Oxycodone with-acetaminophen) is opiate withdrawal. It'll make you sicker than a dog and you may wish you were dead, but it won't kill you.

xanax and other benzo withdrawal can be lethal.

Going North, this could explain some these extreme moods that she seems to be going through. I didn't know any of this. Thank you.

 

[GoingNorth]

You're very welcome. The two drug classes where withdrawal MUST be done under close medical supervision and ideally with the use of medications to control symptoms are alcohol and benzodiazepines, of which Xanax is one.

Withdrawal from either can cause fatal seizures or lethal spikes in blood pressure. In addition, benzo withdrawal can cause mental disturbances that can take a year or two to get over and some people do not get over them completely.