what do i do

[saskia]

My 19-year-old son lives with me and today was bad.
He wanted me to lend him money and I refused (i do not have it to lend) and kicked off creating a row and even going out to the street shouting obscenities at me.
He called my family, trying to blackmail me and made a row with his girlfriend, blaming me for it all.
He recently dropped out of university and got a job,then moved in with his older sister,but then refused to give her any money for living expenses, after 4 months. Now he's back with me and threatening me,to expose me as being fake.
I went through an extreme high conflict divorce, which is not complete yet (after 5 years) and he has taken over where his father left off.
I have a partner who works away,and is due back tomorrow. He is threating to split me and my partner up etc.. I'm not worried re my partner but i just want peace. I only get peace when i do what my son wants.
He pays no money into my home and spends his money on himself.
He says i have to keep him,even though he has more expendable income than me.
What can i do or say to him,hes totally irrational,i appreciate all help

 

[Crayola13]

If he's 19 you certainly don't have to keep him. Tell him it sounds like he's miserable living with you, and explain that because it wasn't a happy living environment with his sister, maybe living alone without roommates, family, girlfriends, etc. would probably be the best situation for him. It doesn't sound like he has the skills to get along with anyone and should live by himself. He works and could rent a cheap room.

 

[BusynMember]

Why do you let him live with you? in my opinion at his age he knows you are upset with his baby tantrums and threats to ruin you and no explanation is necessary to make him leave. I don't know if there are tenancy laws where you live. Get him out ASAP. He is a real threat to you and you won't have peace until he is gone. In the U.S. you can take out a restraining order on a threatening person. I don't know the laws where you live. If you can protect yourself legally, do it. If not buy a security system and protect yourself the best you can.

Make him work with the government for benefits and housing. I wouldn't home him or give him another dime. He is off the rails. Let him learn the hard way. Most young adults like him don't learn at all when we are nice to them or giving to them and they must learn one way or another. You are not his mat to stomp on. Don't listen to his nonsense. Don't be his doormat.

Our responsibility ends at 18 in the U.S. if our child is doing well we usually are happy to extend our help beyond that. But no abiser deserves to live under our roof.

Sister did the right thing.

This is domestic abuse by a child. Far more common than most know. Take your power back. Maybe talk to a counselor at a domestic abuse shelter.

I ask again...why is he still with you? He doesn't have to live with you. He is taking advantage of you. I k ow you love him he is your son, but he needs to learn to love others and be a decent adult. That will never happen under your roof.

Love and light!

 

[Triedntrue]

Does he say why he needs money? Could he be using drugs? I agree you should not give him money you don't have. Can he go live with his father? It is hard to say what you should do without knowing why he is doing this. It might be a good idea to seek counseling. If he won't go you should consider going for the support. I realize i have given more questions than answers. Maybe others will have better suggestions.

 

[Copabanana]

I will be direct. Each of us has had to deal with a variation of this. But this has to stop.

There is nothing to talk about with him. I would not engage in conversation. I would not listen to his abuse. I am not judging but you are permitting this.

You are the mother. This is your home.

This man is deliberately threatening you. Extorting you. Attempting to blackmail you.

Why would you negotiate with a home invader?

Obscenities? How dare he?

Please keep posting. It helps.

I am so so sorry this is happening to you. You do not deserve this. From your ex. Not at all. From your son. Even less.

 

[BusynMember]

The obscenities alonr forced me to take a no contact stand with my son for a few days. And they were not even directed at me. I hate the c*** word and had warned him before. He now controls himself when we talk. No swearing. Calm. He is pretty nice to me now.

He isn't as horribly behaved as your son but he is 40 years old and still likes to vent to me which is okay as long as he is civil.

But he can't live with me ever again. Fortunately he has a good job and is not a threat to me or himself. I understand your fear. But if you don't take a stand your son will keep abusing you. How is that good for either of you?

You can't change your son, but you can change how you respond to him and you don't have to house him.when he is not working or helping you and is abusing you.

Nothing changes if we don't change.

Good luck!

 

[AppleCori]

Hi and welcome, saskia

As you have probably already figured out, your son likely is not going to change while living in your home.

While the situation is intolerable for you, it seems to be working just fine for him.

He is holding you hostage to his moods and demands by his bullying, manipulation, threats, blackmail, extortion, intimidation, etc.

He mainly gets what he wants or there is h*ll to pay.

The best thing you can do for him is to not give in to him, and have consequences for his behavior. If he can’t live in your house and contribute like every other adult is expected to, its probably time for him to leave. His behavior is so extreme, it could escalate into violence, if it hasn’t already.

You may need to get the police involved.

Let us know how you are doing.

Apple