i am so sorry this is so long, but i did not know how to give a clearer picture. i had to sentd it in 2 posts as it was to big
I say we had our own lives, this is true, she started university, i worked full time. Any attempts i made to show interest in what she was doing were always met with her giving nothing away. At that time she was studying photography, and i told her i would love to see some of her work, but she always blocked this. The only time i did get to see some, was on a couple of occasions, when she needed, my computer for some reason or another. She showed irritation to me if i asked any questions on this. Whenever i tried to tell her anything about my life, she never wanted to know, whether it was good or bad.
In 2003, i was diagnosed with breast cancer, so my times with my family became more precious,
The only saving grace in this was my granddaughter, i was able to show interest in things she was doing, and was involved in all aspects of her life. I loved seeing her happy at Christmas, her birthday parties and seeing her have fun in school plays and sports days. i still had my own life separate from this, but these were special times i looked forward to.
By 2006 things started to break down, when medication was making things difficult at work, and they were not sympathetic to my needs, and i eventually acknowledged my partner and my best friend preferred each others company to mine (deep down Id known this for years, but was not strong enough to face it), even though i knew it was futile, i was desperately trying to hang on to my relationship, i think i was more scared of being alone, because i knew if i ended the relationship i would also lose my best friend.
In early 2007 my daughter started dating one of my work colleagues, so she no longer seemed to need me. i was happy for her, but was worried, because i knew this person, and i did not believe he would treat her that well, but i knew i had to support any decisions she made. i understood i would not see my daughter and granddaughter as much, but i did still need to see them reasonably regular. By that i mean I would have accepted anything that was offered, but nothing was offered.
Eventually everything started to get on top of me, and my GP signed me off work with stress. I rarely requested support from anyone, but this was a time i needed support, instead of me giving support.
my partner was spending less time with me, and more time with my friend, and any attempts to address this was met by they were only friends and doing nothing wrong. when i tried to talk to my daughter about this, she seemed to think they were doing nothing wrong, so i felt that i was wrong, for wanting my partner with me, instead of him being with my friend.
I was becoming more and more isolated, and my confidence and self esteem plummeted, a few friends visited at first, but that was mainly so they could complain about work. These friends agreed that what my partner and friend was doing was wrong, and they told my i needed to get them, out of my life. I knew they were right, but i also was scared that i would be alone.
I made many attempt to keep contact with my daughter and granddaughter, and she agreed i could have my granddaughter stay over some weekends and school holidays. This happened a few times, whereby my daughter would drop her off, then get the next bus home, she would pick her up next day or the day after, but when she got to my house it was still the next bus home. This made me feel my daughter did not want to spend any time with me.
Even though she had a partner she still rang me for money, although not as much as she had done in the past. i loved having my granddaughter, but i was lacking adult company, and was finding it hard to make new friends, because i was now finding it financially difficult to do the things i used to, and i was becoming more depressed, because i felt so bad about myself. This resulted in me avoiding going out of the house.
The more i stayed in the harder it was to go out, even though i pushed myself to get some shopping done.
It was Christmas that year that i finally realise how little i meant to the people in my life. My partner told me he had decided to spend Christmas with his son in another town. He said this was because he hadnt had Christmas with him for years, as he had spent them with me and my family. (i must point out hist daughter and his grandchildren always came to mine). i understood his need to spend Christmas with his son, but could not understand why he had not invited me along. When i challenged this, he said well you will be spending it with your daughter like you always do. This was going to be the first Christmas she had not come to me, because she now had a partner. By early December she had not invited me to spend Christmas with her, even though she knew i would be alone. I told her that i did not know what i could do for Christmas, and her response was i suppose you can come to us if you want. I was gutted, by this, and told her this made me feel unwanted, and she became very angry with me, saying she had never said she did not want me there. I spent that yr alone. deep down i think it was her partner who did not want me there, and he was giving her a hard time, whereby if she invited me she would upset him, and if she didnt she would upset me.
My partner return in the middle of January and my relationship finally broke down id February, as i predicted i also lost my best friend. I still saw my granddaughter at times, and very quick glimpse of my daughter as she dropped her off and picked her up.
In may 2008 my daughter told me she was pregnant, and the baby was due in September. I felt so left out of this, and could not understand why she had not told me earlier. When i told one of my friends from work who occasionally visited me, she said she already knew, but had been told by my daughters partner, not to tell me. when i asked my daughter why she had not told me, she said they had not told anyone. She said my friend from work was lying and she had not known. I did not believe my daughter, sad to say i know, but i had to let this incident go. I asked if i could see a scan picture, she said i could, but never brought it to show me. she kept saying she forgot it. I stopped asking after a while, and i still have not seen it. My grandson is nearly 5 now. Again this makes me feel worthless, and unwanted.
I tried telling her that there is a problem between us, and would love to resolve it, but she denies there is and says i am just looking for excuses to argue, and that the only problem was me. i asked her how or what could i do to improve our relationship, and she said there is nothing because nothing is wrong.
As things continued to deteriorate for me i tried to get help, and GP arranged counselling, one of the things the councillor asked me to do was to try and arrange quality time with my daughter, and try to combine that with me leaving the house. I asked my daughter if she could do this with me, but she refused stating she does not have time and i lived to far away. I suggested that maybe she could possibly try to make a little time, maybe 1 afternoon, every 6 weeks or so, but this was still refused. A neighbour agreed to do this with me, but it hurt when she asked me why my daughter could not help me. i was embarrassed to have to admit i was worth so little, that i could not be given one afternoon to try and help me get out of the rut i had got into. I suggested to my daughter that it might help if i moved nearer, and she agreed it might., as she said she has to shop locally anyway.
It took some time, but i eventually managed the move, in December 2010, may i add with no help from my daughter.
The first few weeks, seemed to go ok, but still there was no quality time, It was get groceries and get home, but i saw this as a start. On some occasions i could go out alone, but on the occasions i was struggling i would ring her and ask if she was going shopping. It soon became apparent that this deemed a chore to her, and she would say yes, but you have to hurry because i dont have time. I tried telling her how it made me feel, but that only instilled anger in her. i decide to try and stop asking her if she was going, and sometimes she would ring me and ask if i needed to go, if i said yes, it was still followed by the you will have to hurry i dont have much time.
Even though she said very little to me, she did start complaining about her partner, over a few things, which confirmed my earlier thoughts it was him restricting time she spent with me. Because the things she was complaining about where similar things, but just about how he is with other people. When i voiced this she said this was not the case, when it so clearly was.
In my daughters words not mine, in front of others , he pretends to be the perfect partner, father, and step father, but when others are around he is the total opposite. I dont doubt that this is true, because he was the same when i worked with him. I was his senior, and when i came on duty he went to great lengths to make sure i knew what a good worker he was, and how he had gone beyond the call of duty, whilst putting down his counterpart, i think he wants me out of the way, because he cannot pull the wool over my eyes, and i see him for what he is. I never used my knowledge against him, and always tried to make the best of things with him. Birthdays and Christmas i never left him or his other children, and he would say thank you and tell me how much it meant to him to be accepted in this way, but my ex never buys him or his kids anything which upsets my daughter.
Although i tried to include him, it was soon very obvious that he did not want me to be included, after much effort on my part my daughter agreed to try and include me and she started to invite me for tea, i loved that she was making an effort, but it was always at a time when he was not around. It was not easy for her, either as she would have to come out and meet me, as i could not get that far on my own, and she also had to do the same for me coming home. I appreciated her efforts, and told her this. There was 2 occasions when she asked me, to go, and i had to decline because i was ill. She seemed to understand this at the time, but i have recently had this thrown back at me how she tried to include me, but i kept refusing so she stopped asking. I pointed out to her that it was 2 occasions, when i was ill for s weeks, but she seems to have forgot that. She sees only that i refused to go, so she decided not to ask me anymore. I feel that she used my refusal as an excuse to get out of asking me.
Last year my daughter organised a birthday party for my grandson, but did not invite me and when i asked if i could go she said she was not inviting adults, i tried to accept this, but it hurt, because i knew adults would be there. Very few adults leave their 4yr olds in the care of 1 adult at a party. At Christmas i was denied access to my grandsons school concert, i understand she may need space, but i get fobbed off with feeble excuses. This year i did not get an invite to my granddaughters party, so i asked if i could go, (by the way i am very close to my granddaughter and she had already asked me if i was going, and i told her i would love to but it was up to her mum). i was told no because adults were not being invited. Again i tried to accept this, even though it hurts me to miss these special times in the childrens lives. I was devastated a few days later while out getting some shopping with my daughter, and she was stopped by a friends, whereby they proceeded to discuss what a fab party it had been. This makes me feel that it was not because adults were not invited, it was because she did not want me there. I did not say anything because i did not want to have to face her anger if i did, then a few weeks ago she told me it was my grandsons 1[SUP]st[/SUP] sports day at school, but she was upset because she could not go herself, as my granddaughter had something on the same day. I said that i could go and she told me it was okay, as his dad was going to go. I said i would still like to go and see him. A few days later she told me that the school had told her she did not have to send him, as he does not join in with things, so i asked her what she was doing and she said she did not know. I asked again a few days after that, and she still said she did not know, so i asked her to let me know. I felt that she was avoiding discussing this with me, and i also believed her partner did not want me to go. She ranh me on the afternoon after sports day, and all i said was i guess you decided not to send him, to which she replied yes she did, i was so hurt, that i said i guess i wasnt wanted there, and she got so angry with me, and said she did not know i wanted to go, and she was not a mind reader.
Following this, i tried to reduce any time with my daughter, because I felt she was struggling to cope, and asked her to leave her mobile on just in case i got in a panic. I must add that i have not yet needed to ring her, even though i have felt shaky and anxious instead of her rushing me, its now me rushing to get there get what i need and get home as quick as i can,
Throughout all of this, i am good enough to borrow money off even though i am on benefits, i am good enough to babysit when she needs it, i am good enough to buy them presents at the special times, but i am not even good enough to be saved a bit of cake. Please dont think i am gripping about a bit of cake, this is not so. Its the lack of inclusion followed by the lack of consideration. If she could only say i am sorry mum there was not enough cake, i would be the first to say dont worry i understand, instead she said nothing, so i said what no cake? And she snapped at me and said there wasnt enough.
She kept ringing me, but because i would not accept she did not know i wanted to go she constantly got angry with me. i keep telling her that this cannot go on, if she does not want me in her life, i will back off and let her get on with it, or if she does want me in her life then we have to work out a way were we can minimise hurting each other. She insist there is nothing to work out and i need to stop being evil to her. She will not do anything to resolve this, which has resulted in me withdrawing from her completely. I have told her that i will happily discuss a way forward, but i cannot continue the way we are.
This leaves me feeling pretty worthless, unwanted and constantly hurting, which in turn is impacting on my health. I want to move forward, and i know i need help to do this. I also acknowledge that the help does not need to come from her, but i am struggling to seek help when she clings on to me for the things she wants off me. this is the reason i have come here.
I dont believe my daughter is happy, and i think she feels trapped, her home seems to be constant conflict, mainly between her partner and my granddaughter, My daughter has told me, he never has time for her, and picks on her for everything she does that he doesnt like. He is not the same with his own 3 children. This results in my granddaughter kicking off, which in turn results in my daughter getting angry with her partner for picking on a child, but then she also gets angry , my granddaughter for kicking off. My granddaughter at 12 yrs old already thinks her family hates her. When my daughter complains to me how badly behaved my granddaughter is, i try to say that maybe this is because she feels an outsider in the family, but again this seems to anger my daughter, because she sees me as favouring my granddaughter condoning her bad behaviour. It is only since her mum and i have stopped talking, that my granddaughter has opened up to be about how much she dislikes her mums partner, and wishes her mum would leave him. I feel so disloyal to my daughter for allowing my granddaughter to say these things, but i also feel my granddaughter needs to be able to vent these thoughts in a safe place. My granddaughter is always well behaved for me, and respects my rules.
