What I wanted to say vs. What I said

[BusynMember]

Isn't it a shame that we either have to be untrue to ourselves to be accorded the honor of communicating these abusive and self destructive adult children of all ages?

Son was calling me up to three times a day to get "support" from me about his legal case that he is going to win. This is a short version of how a conversation usually went vs how I have been handling it now. I don't want to lose my son, but since I dont fool myself either into thinking this relationship is a normal relationship.

The old way:

Son: (being a typical male drama queen) I gave up my entire 30s, nervous and on edge, to be in court for Grandson. Now our judge was voted out and will the b@#%& be granted another continuance? I cant take it. I always feel sick, like im gettibg ulcers. I wish Lawyer would call and at least tell me what happens now.,"

My oldish way: "I don't care who the judge is. Your case is rock solid." I don't know this but he likes feel good responses from me and often hangs up if I say the wrong thing, usually the truth which is,"I really don't know."


I thought of "the grey rock" and when he's been trying to engage me now I am too tired of this baby show to play the game. I've been saying,'I really don't know" or just listening, even after he says,"so you with-o t help?"

I can't help. Every sentence I say is unacceptable so I said I'll let you get it out but I have no words of wisdom.' I no longer tell him that he has to get help or stop obsessing about this every day. That he is needlessly letting this ruin his life. He sees no responsibility in his dilemma, no way for himself to stop torturing himself. Any suggestions are metbeith abuse.

The calls have dropped to maybe one short call every three days. I suspect, as I keep this up, it will be less and less.

I am relieved. He needs to figure this out himself. Never once do I hear,"so how are you doing,mom?"

He is a very negative force in life and I'm trying hard to put that behind me. I love him. I will always love him. But he is the only negative in life now.

From now on, he wants to talk to me? No hanging up and more silly cheerleading. I have let at least half his calls go unanswered.

I JUST WANT PEACE!!!

Thanks for letting me vent. My interactions with him are so different than those of my other adult children. I no longer care if he calls me.

Sad for all of us who feel this way.

 

[Snow White]

SWOT, you are always here to lend an ear/shoulder, give hugs and offer sage advice. You always seem to have the right answers and yet you struggle just as much as we do. Never feel you can't vent to us. You are so valued here!

I'm sorry that your son continues to try and take, take, take from you but doesn't offer anything back to you. It is heartbreaking.

Good for you to start limiting your interaction. No interaction = no negativity for you. Nothing is being gained in your conversations with him. It's a broken record, playing over and over again. Like the saying goes, "If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten." One of the two has to change - and that has to be YOU! You deserve to have peace.

My daughter hasn't called since I cut short her ranting phone calls a couple of weeks ago. I am relieved in one way but yet anxious as to what might be coming around the corner. I love her so much but I can't continue this cyclical pattern of abuse.

One day, I want to paint my "Grey Rock" another colour....one that makes ME happy! It will take a while to get that place but I won't give up trying!

Hugs to you.

 

[Mamacat]

Isn't it a shame that we either have to be untrue to ourselves to be accorded the honor of communicating these abusive and self destructive adult children of all ages?

Son was calling me up to three times a day to get "support" from me about his legal case that he is going to win. This is a short version of how a conversation usually went vs how I have been handling it now. I don't want to lose my son, but since I dont fool myself either into thinking this relationship is a normal relationship.

The old way:

Son: (being a typical male drama queen) I gave up my entire 30s, nervous and on edge, to be in court for Grandson. Now our judge was voted out and will the b@#%& be granted another continuance? I cant take it. I always feel sick, like im gettibg ulcers. I wish Lawyer would call and at least tell me what happens now.,"

My oldish way: "I don't care who the judge is. Your case is rock solid." I don't know this but he likes feel good responses from me and often hangs up if I say the wrong thing, usually the truth which is,"I really don't know."


I thought of "the grey rock" and when he's been trying to engage me now I am too tired of this baby show to play the game. I've been saying,'I really don't know" or just listening, even after he says,"so you with-o t help?"

I can't help. Every sentence I say is unacceptable so I said I'll let you get it out but I have no words of wisdom.' I no longer tell him that he has to get help or stop obsessing about this every day. That he is needlessly letting this ruin his life. He sees no responsibility in his dilemma, no way for himself to stop torturing himself. Any suggestions are metbeith abuse.

The calls have dropped to maybe one short call every three days. I suspect, as I keep this up, it will be less and less.

I am relieved. He needs to figure this out himself. Never once do I hear,"so how are you doing,mom?"

He is a very negative force in life and I'm trying hard to put that behind me. I love him. I will always love him. But he is the only negative in life now.

From now on, he wants to talk to me? No hanging up and more silly cheerleading. I have let at least half his calls go unanswered.

I JUST WANT PEACE!!!

Thanks for letting me vent. My interactions with him are so different than those of my other adult children. I no longer care if he calls me.

Sad for all of us who feel this way.

 

[Maisy]

I pray you get the peace you seek. You deserve it! If only we had a switch in our brains to turn all of this off. Heaven on earth!

 

[Mamacat]

I was gonna quote part of what you wrote SWOT, but instead I think I quoted the whole thing, which is fine because it rang so true for me. I had to choose my words so carefully and be so supportive when ii really wanted to say "what the heck are you thinking?" I was told "you don't get to tell me what to do." Oh yes, but who was the first person she called when you know what hit the fan? And guess, who was always there to help? Sometimes me alone or sometimes husband and I. My husband would say, she make these decisions andf we're lerft to pick up the pieces. And then there were the times I'd sneak and help her without telling my husband. And then she had the nerve to say, you don't support me, you don't understand me, you don't accept who I am, you judge me. Are you kidding? I wish I could take back the thousands of dollars we gave her. I wish I could get back the sleepless nights, the wasted days of my precious life that I gave up to "help" her. Thank God above that she stopped speaking to me. I've even gotten to the point of thinking that not seeing my granddaughters is a small price to pay. I love my life. I'm excited about it. For the first time, I feel like my life is mine. I hope to see my granddaughters some day. But in the meantime, let 'er rip! This 71 year old girl is going to live!!!!!!

 

[Mamacat]

By the way, what is "grey rock"?

My new motto for now is " what you don't know can't hurt you!"

 

[Snow White]

Mamacat - The Grey Rock I was referring to was posted by Cheerwyn in one of my prior posts:

One technique in detachment is called Grey Rock. Become the Grey Rock. Rather than flame out with a huge argument with the difficult person, just be the most boring, unengaging, meh person you can be. People with borderline, narcissistic, anti-social, and histrionic traits feed off of the drama and look to constantly engage and provoke to fill their own bottomless pit of need.

So if you're the most boring, non-dramatic grey rock around, they will move on to more shinier objects.

This blog post explains it pretty well, and if you Google there are some other posts out there.

http://www.lovefraud.com/2012/02/10/the-gray-rock-method-of-dealing-with-psychopaths/

The post addresses sociopathic behavior, but it really can be helpful in dealing with other personality disorders.

You sure summarized some of my feelings, too, Mamacat.

And then there were the times I'd sneak and help her without telling my husband. And then she had the nerve to say, you don't support me, you don't understand me, you don't accept who I am, you judge me. Are you kidding? I wish I could take back the thousands of dollars we gave her. I wish I could get back the sleepless nights, the wasted days of my precious life that I gave up to "help" her.

This 71 year old girl is going to live!!!!!!

I sure hope that when I get to age 71, I'm as enthusiastic as you are!!! You go, Girl!

 

[BusynMember]

Thank you so very much.

It sucks to have to worry about what you say to somebody you love. And you're right. It is a broken record, as they said when there were records...sigh.

If I hear I can't or that's stupid or "I want positivity, not reality" one more time, I might scream. Seriously, today he said. ,"I don't want you to make me doubt my lawyer ever again."

I finally told him that if I couldn't say what I felt like saying to him that I didn't want to talk to him, that it was too hard and I was done doing it.

I mean it too. Thanks again.

 

[Echolette]

SWOT,

I'm sorry that man is so frustrating to you. It is annoying to be used as a vent...sometimes my ex used to call me when he was on a long drive, because he was bored...it was so obvious that he was just using me to keep boredom at bay, I resented it. My son, from jail, keeps his calls short...he just wants to hear my voice, and always hangs up after 5 minutes, because he knows I don't like to just hang on the phone.
If he doesn't want to hear what you have to say he needn't call.
You are right to draw a line. And I definitely would not put up with "thats stupid".
He is beating you down, and making you feel devalued. You are putting a stop to that, refusing to let anyone, even your son, make you feel worthless, like what you say is stupid or useless or not right.
Good for you for seeing it.
Good for you for stopping it.
Spend your time and love and effort on the ones who value you.
We value you here.

Hugs to you, warrior woman.

Echo

 

[BusynMember]

Echo....thanks. trust me. I am tired of it. I need to stop it. And I never thought I'd get to this point but I've had it.

 

[RN0441]

SWOT

I don't have any experience with this but I agree with the others, I'd probably not answer most calls and limit my interaction with him. I have pulled away from my own son that I love very much too for different reasons. But in the end we really can't control them, only how we react to them!

 

[Albatross]

SWOT, great for you! I am glad you set those boundaries. You sure deserve better than being the foil for his frustration, all because his case, his ex-wife, his lawyer...the universe in general, evidently, are not to his liking at this particular moment.

Yeah, what's up with that, SWOT? Why haven't you fixed the universe yet?

Kinda odd, isn't it, that the one he consistently berates for not saying the "right" things is the one he calls when he is upset?

Sheesh.

I am so glad you told him no more. You sure do deserve better.

 

[BusynMember]

Well...he has no friends And burned all of his bridges in the family.

It is peaceful without the endless calls. It just ramped up because his judge, who has been voted out of office anyway, just got a D W I and assault charges so son is afraid his case, who h has already been two years long, will be pushed back and that the new judge will be against him.

"It figures. Everything always goes against me."

I have started telling him I don't understand the legal system and I refuse to spend hours on the phone speculating and trying to be positive.

Thanks to all who answered.