Confused, there are separate types of custody. I know this for a fact. One is primary physical custody where one parent is primary or both share equal physical custody. Two is legal custody where one parent makes the decisions and often this is shared 50/50 as well. If it is, both parents are supposed to agree before a decision is made such as which sports a kid can play or if the child needs medications for his ADHD. I can tell you that many parents do what they want in their own homes and don't tell the other parent about it and often the kid doesn't either. If they do tell, you still need to go back to court to fight for legal custody. Even if you get this, often the other parent still doesn't do it and the teen age kid, who doesn't want medications, doesn't tell. See? Very complicated.
Added to this is teens make more choices on their own and court doesn't try to control everything like when the kids were small. I believe last is medical custody which can also be shared....which doctor to see etc. This is often screwed around with too and you have to go back to court and hope the child listens to what the judge says. The child can say "I don't want to see a therapist and I won't get in the car. You can't make me go." And nobody can make a kid talk to a therapist even if he us at his appointment. Or carry a six foot tall teen to the car. And the cops won't either. Teens are so much fun (sarcasm)
Another thing. The longer you wait to file in court about this, the more that Son living with Dad and going to school there becomes *status quo." This is very important in custody cases. The longer your son is there the harder it will be for you legally to get a Judge to order him back. And if Son is doing better in school, the Judge will like that.. so ...lastly
I was not going to say this but I sort of agree with Copa. If your son is happy there, for any reason, in my opinion he could regress and fight you forever if you drag him home . It is hell for my sister. Now about Dada drinking...
Sadly, because Dad is a substance abuser, your son is at high risk to become an addict even if he moves back with you. Peers also have beer and drugs. Hopefully he won't go there for anyone or any reason. But he will be exposed. I am on board with letting him maybe stay and seeing how it goes. To get him back you will need to go to court and that is costly. I hope you have money or a way to borrow some. We lent one sister mone for her lawyer.
Your son may enjoy male contact now. Boys do like knowing their fathers. They interact in a male way. It's not the same as Mothers. Are you married so he has a male caretaker with you?
This situation will be complicated no matter what. Most of us have had the pain and cried the tears and later on second guessed our decisions. Trust me, we get it . Trust me, we have been you.
Lastly even if your son lives with Dad until 18 you will always be Mom. My guess, having raised an unstable daughter, is that your son will go back and forth between you and Dad and have some hard times ahead no matter who he lives with. It's the nature of most "different" children, then "different" adults. But there is no ending to write. Some kids turn it around. There is no way to predict.
For your own self I again recommend Al Anon and/or private therapy. There should be some sliding scale therapists near you.
This is not just about your son. YOU are sad and upset and need and deserve some real life quality support. You are torturing yourself, like we all do. I refused therapy for ten years. My daughter's outcome so far is that she is in her 30s and homeless, but my grief over her almost caused a divorce and almost ruined my relationships with my two other nice kids and my grandkids. Getting help for me saved the family, except for my homeless daughter. And she ran off to the other side of the country, won't talk to us because we cut off the money finally, and thinks she is perfectly mentally well (she is NOT). But it is what it is. As life is for all of us. We deal. We learn to accept. It takes time.
Hoping you start taking good care of yourself. The only person you can control is you. It is the same for all of us once more. Get your hair done. Visit someone you love. Walk in nature. Go to a loving church if God is in your life. Give your son and your own life to God. Let God handle all of this.
God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I can not change,
The Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.
I wear a necklace with this prayer on it. Keep reading it. It makes so much sense even without God being mentioned.
Hugs.
