What Would You Do? Go Fund Me account for Difficult Child's wife

[SeekingStrength]

We have not spoken to Difficult Child, now 38 years old, in several years. It was an awful separation with a lot of emotional and verbal abuse, mean emails, etc. ----when we stopped giving $$.

He married about a year ago. We learned this when an acquaintance stopped at our restaurant table one night and mentioned it.

The wife has reached out to husband a couple times, asking for help with Difficult Child. husband never responded.

For some reason, I Googled daughter in law's name last night and found a Go Fund Me page, set up by her. She has recently been diagnosed with breast cancer; it sounds serious. She gives enough details about the clinic, etc. that it all sounds legit. She has a daughter from a previous relationship and apparently was pregnant when diagnosed and had a medically induced miscarriage because of how the chemo would affect the fetus.

I cannot find a way for husband and me to give anonymously to Go Fund Me. As husband says (and I totally agree), "I do not want to open that door." Yet, it seems so calloused not to help in any way. If we could figure out how to give totally anonymously, we would do that. Our hearts are focused on the wife and her daughter.

Your thoughts?

As always, thank you so much for your wisdom and clearer thinking.

SS

 

[Albatross]

Ouch, once again. I'm sorry, SS. I know you were smarting from daughter-in-law asking Hubs for guidance regarding Son, and now this. I totally understand your wanting to help, but also totally agree with your and Hubs' position. Getting involved will open doors, either practically or emotionally.

Obviously this is not on you or Hubs. I think if you absolutely feel called to help, it would not be done from any place of guilt or responsibility for Son.

I see what you mean about Go Fund Me; you might be able to keep your donation anonymous from the public, but not from the organizer.

IF you feel called to help, has she given enough detail in her Go Fund Me to avoid the middle man, so to speak? Maybe mail a money order (anonymously) toward her expenses at the clinic she specifically mentioned?

BUT...I also think that doing so is going to open doors emotionally. Maybe (assuming you feel you absolutely MUST respond as a moral choice) it might be safer to be further from home, emotionally speaking? Maybe to make an anonymous donation to a breast cancer research fund, the daughter's school, etc.?

I'm not sure what I would do in that situation, honestly. It's a tough one. In any other situation you would of course write a check, but with an estranged difficult child...

 

[Nomad]

Double check. I am fairly sure there is a way to give anonymously. I too would hesitate to open that door.

Agree...you can call the clinic and see if you can make an anonymous donation toward her bills.

 

[SeekingStrength]

Thank you both, so much. I Googled the clinic and it is totally free for cancer patients. That is a wonderful thing and I do not know that our state has such a place. (Difficult Child and his wife live 1500 miles away.)

husband and I are still mulling over ideas. Your input is much appreciated.

 

[AppleCori]

Do you have a friend (preferably one that lives in a different state from you) that you could wire money to, so that they could put the money onto the account in their name?

 

[Copabanana]

Hello Seeking

I have no thoughts as to what to do, as your decision would be entirely personal. But my immediate reaction to the circumstances was one of doubt and concern. I am unclear why. Let me see if I can find direction here.

Is it because really you have had no involvement with this woman? Why would you go there, considering all of the pain and ugliness with your son? While she is almost a stranger, to view her as such, would be a mistake, I think. (see below)

Is it because of the blatant plea for sympathy and dependency of a go fund me campaign? (I have a negative bias about this. Even though people I respect have done this.) Is it because I fear this could all be a scam? (I mean, consider the track record of your son. It pains me to write this.)

To me, the ONLY reason that my heartstrings would be touched by these circumstances would be guilt, yearning, or a sense of responsibility. I think that reacting based upon any one of these catalysts would be to open a can of worms.

In reality this woman is a stranger. But not really. The confusion and the danger arise from this chimera of opposites: She is a stranger but she is your daughter in law. If she were only a stranger, of course, you could give to her, without risk. You would be completely emotionally safe. If she was a "real" daughter in law, there would be clarity, too. But this is a daughter in law you have had no real contact with, the wife of a man, your son, who has only hurt you and your family. Continuously. Relentlessly. Unconscionably. (I am feeling anger here on your behalf that your son has put you in this painful situation.)

Given the ugliness of what has come before, it is unlikely that you will ever have a relationship with this woman. But that does not mean that there do not exist the yearning, the wanting to have had relationship. The wanting to offer help and protection. This is where the risk entails. The emotional extension that such a gift could create. In you.

I believe that the only circumstance in which I would consider giving assistance would be the mending of the past by your son.

He has it within his power to reach out to make amends. He has within his power to ask YOU for help. He has it within his power to take responsibility to humble himself to help his wife. Has he done any of this?

This is HIS wife. This is NOT your daughter in law. Your son has done none of the things that would establish this woman as anybody related to you. There is no real relationships on which to base your wanting to take responsibility even in a small way. Such emotions, such responsibility would only be based upon your desire. Desire is a very, very fragile emotion on which to take action. Even anonymous action.

That is why I feel so hesitant here. To take this step would be to create relationship, through wishing, even anonymously. When in reality there is none. Which is to say that relationship happens even when it is only imaginary and secret. We create it by our wants and our needs.

We are the only ones responsible for creating these invisible bonds of want and yearning. Why go there?

There is a reality to be faced. There is dirty water under this bridge. For as long as I have been on this site there has been extreme ugliness and cruelty on the part of your son towards you. Your son has done nothing at all to acknowledge his misdeeds, or to atone for them. Let alone to restore relationship or to foster relationship with the woman who is his wife.

I would have real hesitancy to open this door, even in a symbolic way.

I am sorry that you continue to suffer at your son's hands. Even indirectly.

 

[WiseChoices]

I have been mulling over my response to this post for days as I was feeling what Copa wrote but couldn't put it quite into words.

I also feared that it might be a scam because you really don't know this woman and the fact that she is with your son could mean they are scamming together. Addicts are highly skilled manipulators.

You still secretly feel you should help .Anon Anonymously but still helping and it's important , I think, to look at the motivation behind it.

I, too, feel a little ambivalent towards Go Fund Me campaigns. The truth remains that we are all responsible for our own business, and being fully self supporting brings us the dignity and the self respect we need to be fully functioning adults. It's also about a reliance on a power greater than ourselves. Faith that things will work out no matter what, that my needs will be met and supplied. GFM campaigns rub me a little bit with poverty consciousness and abundance is available to anyone. It's limitless .

The fact that you are thinking so long and hard about this makes me wonder whether you really want to contribute or wether you yourself are sensing something off about it.

At the end of the day, only you know what is right for you and how you wish to proceed . If you have a believe in a Higher Power , I would ask for guidance in prayer and listen for an answer in meditation. If no answer comes, I do not proceed in my own life.

You will figure this out. You will be guided to what is best for you and all involved. Love and light.

 

[BusynMember1]

I tend to be trusting and I do what I feel is right. If it turns out to be a scam, I at least followed my heart.I meant well I would probably send a card with a note that I am sorry and that this is just for for the one time. My heart would make me do it even with the risk. If I couldn't be anynamous I would still do what I felt was right, even if my stomach lurched.

If your son starts to bother you, you stopped contact before and can do it again. I think you have to follow your gut and do what you feel is right, whatever that is or is not. If God is in your life I agree with Wise and would definitely have a talk with Him first. He will guide you.

God bless.

 

[Copabanana]

I tend to be trusting and I do what I feel is right.

I agree with you Busy. This is how I have operated in my life.

Because I was not spiritually connected, to base my choices and actions based upon intuition has not always served me. Only in my work was I well served by this and where a spiritual life, for me, was born.
,
I only want to add a few more thoughts about this situation that seeking finds herself in.

I guess one could look at it this way: To act from a full heart, from love, that one would want to have for a daughter in law, would be to define oneself from the strongest and best of what could be. And of course Seeking and her husband would act without seeking anything in return. But I believe it would take the strongest of people to not suffer some by doing this. Until they could let go again, what they would have wanted with their child. This would be, I guess, turning the other cheek, and offering only love and care.

But to hesitate to open oneself up to this, would be oh so understandable. Even in anonymity for me there would be pain. But then again, there is already pain.

There remains the issue of anonymity and the feelings of husband who does not want to go there. I think Seeking owes most consideration to her husband, who has suffered so with her at the hands of his son. Should you decide to donate, I like apple's idea to do so in the name of somebody else.

I was not on the board for all of what has happened with your son, Seeking, but I remember enough. I would feel sad to see you reach out even indirectly in a way that your son could interpret as a desire to connect, unless he had made some sort of reparation.

Your son has free will. Free choice. At any point he could make this safer for you. At any point he could make it so that his wife could benefit from your support, financial, and moral. He does not do so.

What I write is not coming from the spirit of tit for tat. I comes from the place of writing on the wall.

We live our lives in circumstances that are real. We also live our lives with hearts that yearn for more. When these paths cross where there is danger there can be real potential for harm and hurt.

 

[BusynMember1]

My wonderful young son who died had cancer, so I am probably thinking differently from others and maybe should not be taken seriously. I see that "C" word and it breaks my heart.

I guess maybe I should not have responded. This was so long ago and my child went very quickly after being diagnosed, but he suffered so much he begged us to let him die. It still hurts so much. Even Kay behaved better at the time and tried to help and cried for him. I would have easily died myself to save him.

Whatever you decide to do, SS, you have my support and prayers.

 

[Copabanana]

I am probably thinking differently from others and maybe should not be taken seriously.

My heart hurts so much for you busy, that you suffered such a broken heart, and that your son suffered so. Of course you would experience this differently.

I guess maybe I should not have responded.

This is not so. Seeking and every other person here deserves the fullness of all of our experience to understand her situation, her feelings, and the range of potential outcomes, good and bad.

Your posts always provoke me to think and feel more, with more simplicity or complexity, but always with greater heart. I know Seeking would feel the same.

 

[WiseChoices]

I am so sorry, Busy. You have been through a lot in life. Sending you love.

 

[SeekingStrength]

All of your input is helpful. We appreciate each and every response, as every one of you has valuable things to consider.

Apparently, Difficult Child's wife was a student of husband's many years ago. While husband does not remember her, he had hundreds of students through the years. The family seems to be fairly poor. Her daughter is what really pulls at us. She looks like such a sweetheart in photos (and her name is the same as one of my grandmothers).

I have thought long and hard about finding a friend, from out of state, to send money to - so that they could donate anonymously. So far, no luck. The biggest obstacle, ironically enough: friends or family who would probably think they were "doing the family a favor" to let Difficult Child and his wife know we sent the $$. Estrangement like ours seems unfathomable to folks who have not walked it.

We are still thinking....

Much love to you, Busy. Hugs. Thank you for your input from your painful experience.


SS

 

[BusynMember1]

Wise and Seeking, I kindly thank you both. Part of trying to rescue Kay was because we could not bear to lose another beloved child. But now we pray that she doesn't kill herself and we know we can no longer stay in her drama. As I often say, it is hard. I don't know how we would stay in control without God.

Blessings to all