I gave him information on a shelter that has an emergency drug intake service. It's close to where he is.
This is a Buddhist practice, as I understand it, Julie Ann. I saw it in the movie "Point of No Return". It will center you. So, take a deep, cleansing breath. Say: "I never did mind, about the little things." Smile.
That's it.
When we suffer and are afraid, our minds begin circling, circling over the same things we already know. If we can interrupt that, we can find a little place, just a little space, to stand.
You can do this little exercise a million times a day and no one will know.
***
How to not be attached to outcome:
Fear: The vanguard of wisdom and courage.
Seek it; stay present: tenderhearted bravery.
***
You alone are enough. You have nothing to prove to anybody.
Maya Angelou
It's okay to not know what to do, Julie Ann.
***
Faith is not, contrary to the usual ideas, something that turns out right or wrong, like a gambler's bet. It is an act, an intention, a project; something that makes you, in leaping into the future, go so far, far ahead that you shoot clean out of Time and right into Eternity, which is not the end of Time or unending time, but timelessness, that old, Eternal Now.
Russ
***
The bow is broken
the arrows are gone
At this critical moment
a feeble heart does not like to beat
with power and force.
A pointed arrow
released from a loosely strung bow
will surely pierce
the King.
Bill Ransom
Julie Ann, you have done everything you can do. You've loved him, you've believed in him, you've kept contact with him through his addiction.
You found the shelter.
I hear your fear that your son may die, this time. I'm so sorry to say it Julie Ann, but you are right ~ he may die, this time.
Or, he may change.
This may be the pivotal event.
If you take him in, take him home, nurse him back to health, that is one kind of pivotal event.
If you don't bring him home Julie Ann, if you love him in place and pray for him in place and do the best for him you know to do and let go of outcome, then maybe there can be a new thing, an unforeseen thing, a totally unexpected kind of pivotal event.
Your son is addicted to something terrible that is riding him hard. That is not something a mother can fix, Julie Ann.
I am very sorry your child's appearance is changing, that he is looking so unhealthy and sad. That must be very hard to see.
That must be a very hard thing, Julie Ann,
***
I don't know how to look at this, either. When we believed it was truly a matter of time, that it was altogether too late, all at once it became a matter of gratitude in having known her and sorrow at how it happened; sorrow at how her life had happened to her, and to me, and to all of us.
But I was just so happy to have known her, at all.
All the rage and stupid anger and everlasting frustration ~ it was like when there was no hope, that was all gone.
Only...our daughter did not die, Julie Ann.
Not only did that so certain event on the horizon not occur, but she made a miraculous recovery. Not only did she make a miraculous recovery, but it looks like she may recover her whole life, Julie Ann. I could never have predicted this in a million years. It was only when I was certain she was dying that I let go of outcome. Had we taken her home, brain damaged and drug addled and sick and addicted, her story would not be the same one it is today.
Love him in place, Julie Ann, if you can do it
, and let go of outcome. Though you are his mother, how this is all going to work out is not for you (or for me) to know. Make room in your heart and in your thoughts for a different outcome than the one you see.
Remember my daughter.
Let go of outcome.
Love him, sorrow over his condition, over this thing that was never meant to be. Hate the heroin.
And let go of outcome.
It is what it is.
Let go.
You must have been a very strong, loving mom Julie Ann, for your son to be still in contact with you at this late stage. I was a strong, loving mom, too. It is harder, this way. But you know what?
This is your child's story. Just because it isn't pretty, just because it is horrifically ugly even,
that doesn't mean that anyone can make us turn away from our children. Leave him in place and let go, Julie Ann. If it happens, if he dies, then you will know how the story ended. Then, you will do the next right thing. Right now, you don't know how the story ends. Right now, you are in the hellfire of it, you and your child and I know how that feels and I'm sorry it's happening to you
but you can do this.
Love him where and how he is, Julie Ann, and let go of outcome. Make room for that miracle you cannot imagine, now. Stay in the moment. Right in the present moment.
Time slows for me when I am suffering. I am all shaky, underneath. I cannot speak one smallest word about whichever child it is, or I will spill the beans and feel ashamed, later. So, I say nothing. I hold tight to the minutes, to the next right thing to do, and let go of outcome.
The Power of Now, Eckhardt Tolle is very good for that.
I post this alot, so you may have read already about what I learned from the suffering of the Mary. Her Son too, had an addiction, in a way. And she had to love and let go of outcome too. And we had a thread going, Child of Mine's Highchair Tyrants thread. And we posted about the suffering of the Mary because Richard Rohr had written about suffering and how to encapsulate and accept it and go on. If you google the Mary, you will find paintings of her. Look into the eyes.
That is how you can learn how to do this ~ how to accept what is for what it is and stay steady state.
I am really so sorry this is happening to your child, Julie Ann. I am glad you have us. The parents here are so strong.
Holding you and your son too, in my thoughts and prayers.
Just love him where he is, Julie Ann, and let go of outcome.
Cedar
This helps me:
