M
ML
Guest
SS/J is still living with us. husband and I are seeing a therapist regularly to help us (mostly husband) learn that it is more loving to be tough and set boundaries than to enable a 27 year old. This is so hard for my sweet husband who has always had an avoidant type personality which led him to use alcohol for so many years as a coping mechanism.
I know husband has guilt with how he parented, heck many of us do. So it is hard for him to basically say "J, be gone from the nest" because I believe to him it feels like he is abandoning him in some way. Their relationship is so odd. J doesn't have any respect for his father as an authoritative figure in any way. I don't know if he ever did and that's just the result of their relationship dance over the years. J is verbally abusive to his father and that becomes tense and difficult for me. Plus it sets a tone in my home that I do not want for manster. Whatever anger J has towards husband may be justified but I don't have to be subject to the fallout and neither does my 11 year old son. They can work it out some place else.
The kicker is that since we've started these talks (which J has avoided every time by changing the subect) he's become more respectful and less angry. That's the good part. He's even been cordial to manster and enaged him in converation. I see improvements and I wonder myself if I should back off on my demands that J be gone by the end of January. husband told told me he felt ganged up on in our last session with therapist. I don't know how to avoid that. We're pressuring him to do something that, while he agrees is the right thing, is so painful and difficult.
I don't want J to feel unloved or abandoned. But their dymanics are unhealthy for me and for my house. I've never been comfortable with making demands for myself. I am more comfortable putting others and their needs first. So we're all outside of our comfort zones here. I just keep telling myself I have to do what is best for the child in the home: manster.
The bottom line is J is 27 years old. He has lived in our basement collecting unemployment, has been drinking and playing, has not contributed and has basically reverted back 10 years to an angry teenager with a sense of entitlement. I have come to feel like a prisoner in my home. I can't do it any more. I'm not sure what my plan "b" is if husband can't follow through with the plan but I guess I'll have to figure that out soon.
I'll give an udpate soon. Thanks for the ongoing support.
I know husband has guilt with how he parented, heck many of us do. So it is hard for him to basically say "J, be gone from the nest" because I believe to him it feels like he is abandoning him in some way. Their relationship is so odd. J doesn't have any respect for his father as an authoritative figure in any way. I don't know if he ever did and that's just the result of their relationship dance over the years. J is verbally abusive to his father and that becomes tense and difficult for me. Plus it sets a tone in my home that I do not want for manster. Whatever anger J has towards husband may be justified but I don't have to be subject to the fallout and neither does my 11 year old son. They can work it out some place else.
The kicker is that since we've started these talks (which J has avoided every time by changing the subect) he's become more respectful and less angry. That's the good part. He's even been cordial to manster and enaged him in converation. I see improvements and I wonder myself if I should back off on my demands that J be gone by the end of January. husband told told me he felt ganged up on in our last session with therapist. I don't know how to avoid that. We're pressuring him to do something that, while he agrees is the right thing, is so painful and difficult.
I don't want J to feel unloved or abandoned. But their dymanics are unhealthy for me and for my house. I've never been comfortable with making demands for myself. I am more comfortable putting others and their needs first. So we're all outside of our comfort zones here. I just keep telling myself I have to do what is best for the child in the home: manster.
The bottom line is J is 27 years old. He has lived in our basement collecting unemployment, has been drinking and playing, has not contributed and has basically reverted back 10 years to an angry teenager with a sense of entitlement. I have come to feel like a prisoner in my home. I can't do it any more. I'm not sure what my plan "b" is if husband can't follow through with the plan but I guess I'll have to figure that out soon.
I'll give an udpate soon. Thanks for the ongoing support.
