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When the ‘good’ one falls off the rails
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 743908" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I just found this:</p><p></p><p>As a psychologist specializing in trauma and <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/post-traumatic-stress-disorder" target="_blank">PTSD</a> (Post <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/trauma" target="_blank">Traumatic</a> <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/stress" target="_blank">Stress</a> Disorder) I've had firsthand experience <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/coaching" target="_blank">coaching</a> clients whose past experience feeds their current <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/fear" target="_blank">fear</a> of success. For them, the excitement of success feels uncomfortably close to the feeling of arousal they experienced when subjected to a traumatic event or multiple events. (This feeling of arousal can be linked to <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/sex" target="_blank">sexuality</a>, in certain cases where trauma has been experienced in that realm, but that is not always the case.) People who have experienced trauma may associate the excitement of success with the same physiological reactions as trauma. They avoid subjecting themselves to excitement-inducing circumstances, which causes them to be almost phobic about success.</p><p></p><p>There is another layer to the fear of success. Many of us have been conditioned to believe that the road to success involves risks such as "getting one's hopes up" - which threatens to lead to disappointment. And many of us-especially if we've been subject to verbal abuse-have been told we were losers our whole lives, in one way or another. We have internalized that feedback and feel that we don't deserve success. Even those of us who were not abused or otherwise traumatized often associate success with uncomfortable things such as <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/sport-and-competition" target="_blank">competition</a> and its <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/ethics-and-morality" target="_blank">evil</a> twin, <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/jealousy" target="_blank">envy</a>.</p><p></p><p>In order to have a healthy relationship with success (and it's flip side, failure, or disappointment), the first step is to learn to differentiate between feelings of excitement and a "trauma reaction."</p><p></p><p>I know I have had a lot of trouble because I felt I did not deserve good things in my life. I also felt sometimes I would lose what I had if I succeeded. In other words, that there was a price to be paid if I succeeded. </p><p></p><p>N might be very afraid, and not know it. He might fear that he will fail, or not measure up. So he is sabotaging it before he even gets there. He may feel great anxiety. This is not uncommon. He may feel afraid of the responsibility. That if he takes on this success he is boxed in. Who knows?</p><p></p><p>Maybe he needs the therapy, too. </p><p></p><p>But the thing is, I do not see him really when the chips are down, wanting in a conscious way to give up his family. Maybe this is wishful thinking. But that is not the picture of him I have.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 743908, member: 18958"] I just found this: As a psychologist specializing in trauma and [URL='https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/post-traumatic-stress-disorder']PTSD[/URL] (Post [URL='https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/trauma']Traumatic[/URL] [URL='https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/stress']Stress[/URL] Disorder) I've had firsthand experience [URL='https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/coaching']coaching[/URL] clients whose past experience feeds their current [URL='https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/fear']fear[/URL] of success. For them, the excitement of success feels uncomfortably close to the feeling of arousal they experienced when subjected to a traumatic event or multiple events. (This feeling of arousal can be linked to [URL='https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/sex']sexuality[/URL], in certain cases where trauma has been experienced in that realm, but that is not always the case.) People who have experienced trauma may associate the excitement of success with the same physiological reactions as trauma. They avoid subjecting themselves to excitement-inducing circumstances, which causes them to be almost phobic about success. There is another layer to the fear of success. Many of us have been conditioned to believe that the road to success involves risks such as "getting one's hopes up" - which threatens to lead to disappointment. And many of us-especially if we've been subject to verbal abuse-have been told we were losers our whole lives, in one way or another. We have internalized that feedback and feel that we don't deserve success. Even those of us who were not abused or otherwise traumatized often associate success with uncomfortable things such as [URL='https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/sport-and-competition']competition[/URL] and its [URL='https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/ethics-and-morality']evil[/URL] twin, [URL='https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/jealousy']envy[/URL]. In order to have a healthy relationship with success (and it's flip side, failure, or disappointment), the first step is to learn to differentiate between feelings of excitement and a "trauma reaction." I know I have had a lot of trouble because I felt I did not deserve good things in my life. I also felt sometimes I would lose what I had if I succeeded. In other words, that there was a price to be paid if I succeeded. N might be very afraid, and not know it. He might fear that he will fail, or not measure up. So he is sabotaging it before he even gets there. He may feel great anxiety. This is not uncommon. He may feel afraid of the responsibility. That if he takes on this success he is boxed in. Who knows? Maybe he needs the therapy, too. But the thing is, I do not see him really when the chips are down, wanting in a conscious way to give up his family. Maybe this is wishful thinking. But that is not the picture of him I have. [/QUOTE]
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When the ‘good’ one falls off the rails
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